Re: Do i cope too well to have ADD? « Reply #48 on Nov 7, 2009, 2:09pm »
Hello again everyone,
I know it's been months since I was here last and you probably dont remember me!
Since I've been away, I have not really got any closer to confronting my suspicions about ADD, although I've continued to see the effects of whatever my 'issue' is in my everyday life..
Having finally made it out of the mad stress that was my undergrad literature degree, I for some reason decided to put myself back into that same high pressure environment.. by doing a cinema studies MA.
I guess I thought because movies are my passion, I would find it easy to get on top of my work and stay organised.. like my passion and excitement about film would energise me and fill my whole life with purpose and motivation and solve everything..
nope.
I struggle to do the reading, I zone out in class discussion, I can't express my thoughts clearly, or even develop my ideas satisfactorily in my head. The rest of my life is a mess too because when Im not procrastinating I feel i should be doing course work rather than tidying my room or doing laundry or talking to friends / going out.
I know why i signed up for another year of this.. I was scared of going into the real world and it being even harder to cope there... at least if i screw up my degree it only affects me so other people wont get mad at me.. if i screwed up on a job Id have people yelling at me, and i cant take that... I didnt want to go out there and cause myself anxiety by trying to live up to the demands of a competitive high pressure job.. and i also didnt want to have to make the depressing choice to take a 'slacker' job like working on a bar or repetitive and basic office-admin work because i cant handle anything else.. And even in my better moods when i saw a slacker job as an opportunity to relax, discover 'myself' and learn to appreciate life and encourage enthusiasm for life/culture/whatever... I didn't know if i believed that would happen or if i'd just feel guilty for not pushing myself to achieve more..
anyway, so now im back under pressure, face to face with my inadequacies, so obviously im looking into ADD again to try to find a way to excuse all my failures..
this time im not just going to spend my time surfing the net and wondering.. im going to a GP on tuesday and Im GOING to ask for a referral to the bristol adult adhd clinic.
what i really want is a lightning quick diagnosis, then to get treatment and for all my concentration/organisation issues to go away..
i know in reality its not that simple
and im starting to think, that once ive got the ball rolling on tuesday, i also need to seriously consider dropping out of my course.. or at least deferring..
because I am under so much stress, and so unhappy with my life at the moment, with my inability to do this course properly.. it's making me depressed, causing low self esteem, damaging my social life..
im starting to think i really do need to take a break, take on a few more shifts at my current 'slacker' part time job so i can support myself and not rely so much on my dad, and just live life with a bit more simplicity for a while.. just try to ENJOY it for a while rather than trying to always be GOING somewhere..
I dont know. I feel like that's what i want to do, but the fear of the shame of 'quitting' and of my parents and friends' reactions.. is stopping me from thinking of it as a real possibility.
sorry to go on, i should save all this babbling for my counsellor..
im worried im going to have to persuade my GP of my problem rather than just asking for and getting a referral. do i have the right to a referral or do i have to convince him?
also, is there a long wait for an appointment at this place?
and does anyone know HOW they assess people for ADD at the bristol clinic? just talking? or are there tests?
Re: Do i cope too well to have ADD? « Reply #49 on Nov 7, 2009, 2:14pm »
Oh also, I read about adhd and central auditory processing disorder on gina pera's blog and it REALLY struck a chord
i have always had trouble hearing people's words clearly and focusing when there's background noise and absorbing verbal information...
this quote in particular sounds just like me:
The stress of knowing that communications are going badly only makes things worse for the adult with ADHD, especially when it comes to talking about personal issues, according to my friend Carl, who along with his wife was diagnosed eight years ago. "With stress, ADDers tend to get 'brainlock' and realize there's no hope of expressing themselves and having a 'real' conversation the way you want," Carl says. "So, they frantically search for the right thing to say to make it go away, since they can't express what they're really feeling. They can't even define or focus on what they're feeling, let alone talk about it to anyone else."
Joined: Jun 2009 Gender: Male Posts: 1,388 Location: southend, essex, England,Earth
Re: Do i cope too well to have ADD? « Reply #50 on Nov 7, 2009, 2:25pm »
Quote:
I know why i signed up for another year of this.. I was scared of going into the real world and it being even harder to cope there... at least if i screw up my degree it only affects me so other people wont get mad at me.. if i screwed up on a job Id have people yelling at me, and i cant take that... I didnt want to go out there and cause myself anxiety by trying to live up to the demands of a competitive high pressure job.. and i also didnt want to have to make the depressing choice to take a 'slacker' job like working on a bar or repetitive and basic office-admin work because i cant handle anything else.. And even in my better moods when i saw a slacker job as an opportunity to relax, discover 'myself' and learn to appreciate life and encourage enthusiasm for life/culture/whatever... I didn't know if i believed that would happen or if i'd just feel guilty for not pushing myself to achieve more..
Hello Bex ,
It sounds like you are doing a good job of deferrment/procrastination/delaying the inevitable by choosing something that you personally consider easier. You explained it quite simply..
Is it any wonder that people with potential ADHD/anxiety/social avoidance/feeling blue etc, always choose the "that's good enough" approach?
I try not to do that, but then I totally avoided college university for most of the reasons that you state you avoid "the real world" for.
It just goes round and round and the more you think about it the worse it gets.
Unfortunately, the last I heard, the Bristol clinic is rather errrrrr. impotent.
You will have to go private if you want a quick diagnosis of less than 1 year. If you want to do that, then make sure you find a very reputable private specialist, so as to lessen your chances of the NHS overturning the diagnosis and you therefore needing subsequent re-apprasial. The way I see it.......the better the reputation of the private ADHD specialist, the less chance that an NHS "expert" will deny it. This scenario has occurred once to my knowledge so far.
I can't suggest any recommendations personally.
Any serious "professional" will do a suite of tests on you, not just talking.
Regarding your comment about Central Auditory Processing Disorder, you could still have both anyway....... After all, once the information is in your brain, how do you handle it then.....?
Re: Do i cope too well to have ADD? « Reply #53 on Nov 10, 2009, 7:07pm »
Hi bex
Just wondered how your appointment wnt today?
Congratulations on getting your degree, but sorry to hear you're having a hard time with your MA.
It's not unusual for people to delay getting the assessment, even when they have felt fairly certain they "tick the boxes". However it does sound as though you need to have things clarified so you can get on with the rest of your life so I hope your Gp appointment well.
Although it's still an uphill struggle to get an NHS assessment it can be done - you just need to have determination - many people with Adhd have this in abundance!
Re: Do i cope too well to have ADD? « Reply #54 on Nov 11, 2009, 1:24am »
it went.. okay.
it was a very interesting experience.
i was afraid if i didn't start with the word adhd, i would never say it.. id just start talking about my work struggles and self-criticism and stress and sense of being a weirdo and never say ADD and then end up[ being treated for anxiety or depression..
so the first thing i said was 'i want to get a referral to be assessed for adhd'
which i think kind of stunned the guy because he literally sat back in his chair and then went..' okay.. why'
and i KNOW it was totally normal to want to know my history and reasons for thinking i have it. but i felt like i was on the defensive a LOT.
yeah, i remember the next thing he said was something like.. you're 21 years old, you've done very well in school, from the outside you look nothing like adhd.. what is the reason you want assessment? what do you want from this?
and i tried to explain that i dont really care about how i look compared to other people.. i care about my own sense of underachievement, my SPECIFIC experience of my own troubles with concentration and focus and disorder in my mind..
and then he said something about everyone having difficulty studying. everyone finds it difficult
and i tried to say it wasnt just generic 'struggling'.. it was specific, 'zoning out', inability to plan, procrastination, an urge to pursue every distraction,
i dont know.. he tried very hard to be polite,but he basically seemed like he didn't believe me at all.. thought i was just a depressed, anxious, overly self-critical school girl.
i was surprised at how annoyed i got, even at his subtle suggestions that i could be wrong. the fact i was briefly on anti-anxiety meds last year did NOT help me.. im sure he thinks it all comes down to anxiety. though i did tell him i feel like my attention issues are the underlying problem and the cause of the anxiety rather than vice versa.
i was also surprised at how little he seemed to know..
he said something about me being too old to be prescribed ritalin.. how stimulant medication would have the opposite effect on an adult to a child - is that right??
he said something about the 'typical adhd kid' running around, out of control.. at which point i basically corrected him and said many people, particularly girls, dont present obvious signs of hyperactivity and are predominantly inattentive types..
he did admit he knew nothing though.. he said he'd need time to look into it, discuss with colleagues who may have more experience.. and he made a new appointment with me for next week where he would 'ask me more questions'
feels a bit like i have to pass several stages of interrogation before i can actually get taken seriously..
overall though im happy because he did listen to me despite his obvious doubts. he was trying to be polite and he did acknowledge his own inexperience and ignorance.. he didn't laugh me out the door, he's trying to help. so that's good.
but if i dont get a referral to an expert or at least a psychiatrist im gonna be PISSED. OFF.
im considering scraping together every penny i have for private consultation to speed things up if i do get to referral stage.. because i was impatient at the first bloody appointment!! i dont think i can have this wind out over a year..
also.. another small issue.. im doing this through my student health service.. but im dropping out from my course now so i might suddenly get refused in which case i'll have to sort out a new gp and start from scratch... argh!!
god yeah i remember when he said he was struggling to see how my life had been affected and i just suddenly blurted out, quite bluntly, 'well im dropping out from my course now because i cant handle the stress anymore'
of course when he found out it was an MA and id done my BA he spent ages trying to reassure me on how great a 2.1 is, like my issue is some kind of extreme perfectionism.. NOOOOO the problem is it almost KILLED me getting that 2.1 and it was torture knowing how much more i could be capable of if i could just FOCUS!!
anyway, now ive finally started, you're right annie, i am feeling quite determined..
only problem is, im now dreading stage where they say they want to talk to my family, because i cant face telling my family til i have a proper diagnosis, because otherwise i just know my parents (especially dad) are gonna think im being silly and making excuses and being over dramatic and i'll feel embarassed and lose confidence in my belief..
so that's gonna suck...
any time ive mentioned in semi-jest that i think i might be a bit 'ADD' people have dismissed it out of hand..
i know it's probably because people have a stereotypical view of adhd, but it still knocks my confidence that people cant see it in me...
anywho. the first step is made. im happy.
im just dreading seeing people doubt me at every stage along the way.. i felt silly in that gp office, like i was fabricating things, a hysterical hypochondriac.. overdramatic, fantastical, self pitying, whining, lazy.... if i go next week and get more doubt and questioning and 'interrogation'... im gonna crumble.
i ate FIVE, BIG, chocolate chip cookies when i got home.. then watched some columbo.. just to soothe my nerves...
i so desperately want to change my life.. i cant handle struggling for weeks.. months.. and then being told i imagined it all... that this is not the answer.. finding myself still lost... with no help in sight..
Re: Do i cope too well to have ADD? « Reply #55 on Nov 11, 2009, 1:28am »
oh he also said he'd NEVER had someone my age come in and say they thought they had adhd.
he'd only been a doc 9 years but still.. i was quite surprised..
he seemed very doubtful about it even being POSSIBLE it could 'present' this late in life.
i tried to explain it wasnt something i thought had just appeared overnight.. id had it my whole life but now id reached the point where i was struggling to conceal my issues..
but he still didnt seem convinced it could go unnoticed all this time..
which i dont get because it's not exactly culturally accepted that if your kid has trouble getting homework done you take them to the DOCTOR...
Joined: Jun 2009 Gender: Male Posts: 1,388 Location: southend, essex, England,Earth
Re: Do i cope too well to have ADD? « Reply #56 on Nov 11, 2009, 2:18am »
Well, bex,
perfectionism itself seems to be quite draining on oneself.
This document, with plenty of study references, states that perfectionism can predict depression and other issues, purely because of always taking ages to finalise anything. Of course, that does not mean that you don't have ADHD either.....
Also, a short but important, respected summary about depression, anxiety and ADHD is below after all the Quote and waffle lol.........
I can't believe how many times I have linked this document in the last 2 days.
I think it really clears the issue, in such a short but powerful document (less than 1 page) from the top dogs, who now understand the snowball syndrome of emotions, dysfunctional thoughts, random behaviour, impulsivity, failure to control what YOU want to learn under pressure blah blah, novelty seeking, drug abuse alcohol abuse, anxiety, depression, where shall I stop.....here......?
QUOTE A significant number of adults with unresolved depression, anxiety or addiction may actually have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), a condition that has been widely considered to resolve in late adolescence.
Armed with the correct diagnosis, adult ADHD sufferers could soon be prescribed Ritalin-style stimulant medications for a range of mental health problems that are not usually associated with the disorder, the Royal College of Psychiatrists’ annual meeting was told today (Friday 4 July).
Stimulant medication is currently only licensed for children with ADHD. However, the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE) is expected to recommend that this class of drug can be prescribed adults with ADHD in September 2008 – following the recognition that the condition persists into adulthood in about 20 per cent of cases diagnosed in childhood. END
_______________________ Of course, if you really want to make an impact with your doc, you can print out all 664 pages of the ADHD NICE guidelines and drop them on his desk from about, say, 10 feet. When the dust clears, you can say "well, do you want to read that, or do you want to start the process by referring me to local mental health psychiatrist and then inevitably an adult adhd specialist, because I am not going to stop until I get to that stage as this is my life, my issue"
Of course, you have to start somewhere and working with the Doctor is something that I did. In the last year I went through.... anti depressants, local mental health psychiatric nurse - atrium clinic counselling 4 sessions, more anti depressants, psychiatrist, psychotherapy.
The psychotherapy only lasted 2 sessions, because by then, with all of my paperwork, I basically made him agree that I should go for an adult ADHD referral before coming back to him (if there was an issue after that) so now, finally, I know that within about 6 months LOL I expect a consultation, out of area funded, at the Maudsley........ job done. Obviously, its six months, but I do have a few other things on the go, so it helps me to get them out of the way, although 6 months, now I write it, is a terrible amount of time to procrastinate and delay......
Joined: Jun 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 1,793 Location: Bristol
Re: Do i cope too well to have ADD? « Reply #57 on Nov 11, 2009, 8:49am »
of for gawd's sake
bex I was having trouble reading to the end of your post because I was getting so annoyed about the things that w****r said to you How frustrating for you!
Re: Do i cope too well to have ADD? « Reply #58 on Nov 11, 2009, 4:12pm »
hey bex,
i'm sure your doc's a nice enough chap, and we can't expect him to know all about every condition. but he should know a little bit about the way drugs work! so for him to say that stimulants have the opposite effect in an adult to a child is retarded!!! -there is no drug in the world that changes it's effect on your 18th birthday!
WELL DONE for going, i remember how hard i found it to go and ask for a referral, i think it took me a year of procrastination before i dragged myself in to the GP's!
don't worry about your next meeting, basically, the GP has an obligation to refer you! so as long as you stick to your guns, you'll get there!...
forgetnotme Member posts quite a bit member is offline
Joined: Jul 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 151
Re: Do i cope too well to have ADD? « Reply #59 on Nov 11, 2009, 4:32pm »
hi bex your thread gave me a lot of inspiration I'm just working on putting together an abridged version of it for you. maybe if you send it to your gp,to arrive before next appointment then he might have a better idea of what's going on. and no it isn't normal or just dizzy women why can't they stay in their place and stop moaning and complaining ok rant over frustration lessening a mite I feel like I want to steal annie's banner and go campaigning how much longer before they get with it
Damn myprinter has run out of ink, was going to get some this afternoon but went for a walk with OH. then came back to work on this again. I know i have another cartridge somewhere but can I find it. but at least I've found some other documents I have been searching for for over a week. will send them to you soon Roland anyway must now stop this and get some ink. be back later . I'm sure i'll remember
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How frustrating for you!
