Post by misstupelo on Jul 20, 2016 21:30:03 GMT
Hello All,
I need some advice please.
I've just come out of a 10 year relationship with someone who I now think has ADHD. In fact I already wondered about this years ago and we talked about it, but then he never did anything about it and we just let it go. Our relationship went from that of two equals at the beginning to me taking on almost the role of a mother while he reverted to some weird 15 year old self, forever the grumpy, needy and difficult teenager.
So I was the breadwinner, organiser, carer, but also the critic, the nag, the pushing parent. While obviously he's a wonderful person a lot of the time, with many talents - he's very creative - these 10 years have taken their toll on me and I just cannot go on.
And while he ticks pretty much every single box on an ADHD checklist, what I have probably struggled with more than anything is his drinking and the lies around the drinking. At the beginning he was drinking a lot, worrying amounts and he would hide whiskey bottles around the house. After he stopped working and I started taking complete control of our finances, I was able to also exercise more and more control over his drinking. But it required a massive effort, and all my trust had already been eroded by his constant lies.
And every single time he had access to money the first thing he'd do is go out and drink and then try and hide it from me. So I just got so worn out, and even though we talked and talked about this over and over a million times, there was no change and I got to the point where I was thinking, I can't go on like this.
So I finally broke up with him.
Now he has no job, no money, and nowhere to go. So what do you do now? I said, right, you can stay here (even though this relationship is over) until you sort yourself out. And there's only one rule, no alcohol. But of course he drank again. So I kicked him out (not really, I made sure he could go to a friend).
But then the friend kicked him out. So then his brother took him in. And the brother laid down some rules, the most important one being, no alcohol. And he followed those rules and knuckled down and found himself a job. I was amazed and so happy. And then a few days into the job he started drinking again.
And so the brother kicked him out. And I said, no, you can't come back here. And so he ended up checking into a hotel. And while he was in the hotel he was in an accident, so had to take lots of time off work. And with being off work and only just having started the job, there's no job security, so he can't move on.
So guess what, after two weeks in the hotel, he's run out of money, and now he's back with me. Staying here "temporarily". Until he can return to work. And then he supposedly will move into a flatshare. But honestly? It's not looking good.
Since he's been back here, we've been talking a lot about ADHD again and we've now looked into it properly and we've read some books, and he totally recognises himself in the texts he's read. And boy do I recognise myself in the writings of the non-ADHD partners. It's like they're writing about us, our life together and about him and how he ticks.
But now finally my questions (loads) and what I really could do with some advice on. It's the drinking vs ADHD really.
When I got totally desperate I contacted the AA and Al-Anon and the message that is communicated back to me quite clearly is that I need to step away and let him get on with it, that he will never stop drinking until he hits rock bottom, that he is an alcoholic and that he literally needs to end up by himself on the streets before he'll work it out.
Obviously easier said than done.
But I am now wondering, if someone has ADHD is there not something else the matter? Is the drinking something that needs to be looked at in conjunction with ADHD? Will it not be utterly destroying and do nothing at all if someone with ADHD hits rock bottom? Will someone with ADHD hit rock bottom and then look for help? How when they don't ordinarily get anything done or organised? Or is it actually my fault that he gets nothing done, because I keep doing it for him?
Is there any help available with accommodation? We're in London. Is there somewhere for him to go if he gets fired and can't stay here any more? Should I worry? Everyone around me seems to say it's not my problem any more. But I don't know whether they'd be able to make someone homeless. Especially someone you think is vulnerable.
Argh. I don't know what to do. Are there other people on here who are alcoholics with ADHD? What happened to you? If you could share that would be so great.
Thanks already for reading this rather long post.
I need some advice please.
I've just come out of a 10 year relationship with someone who I now think has ADHD. In fact I already wondered about this years ago and we talked about it, but then he never did anything about it and we just let it go. Our relationship went from that of two equals at the beginning to me taking on almost the role of a mother while he reverted to some weird 15 year old self, forever the grumpy, needy and difficult teenager.
So I was the breadwinner, organiser, carer, but also the critic, the nag, the pushing parent. While obviously he's a wonderful person a lot of the time, with many talents - he's very creative - these 10 years have taken their toll on me and I just cannot go on.
And while he ticks pretty much every single box on an ADHD checklist, what I have probably struggled with more than anything is his drinking and the lies around the drinking. At the beginning he was drinking a lot, worrying amounts and he would hide whiskey bottles around the house. After he stopped working and I started taking complete control of our finances, I was able to also exercise more and more control over his drinking. But it required a massive effort, and all my trust had already been eroded by his constant lies.
And every single time he had access to money the first thing he'd do is go out and drink and then try and hide it from me. So I just got so worn out, and even though we talked and talked about this over and over a million times, there was no change and I got to the point where I was thinking, I can't go on like this.
So I finally broke up with him.
Now he has no job, no money, and nowhere to go. So what do you do now? I said, right, you can stay here (even though this relationship is over) until you sort yourself out. And there's only one rule, no alcohol. But of course he drank again. So I kicked him out (not really, I made sure he could go to a friend).
But then the friend kicked him out. So then his brother took him in. And the brother laid down some rules, the most important one being, no alcohol. And he followed those rules and knuckled down and found himself a job. I was amazed and so happy. And then a few days into the job he started drinking again.
And so the brother kicked him out. And I said, no, you can't come back here. And so he ended up checking into a hotel. And while he was in the hotel he was in an accident, so had to take lots of time off work. And with being off work and only just having started the job, there's no job security, so he can't move on.
So guess what, after two weeks in the hotel, he's run out of money, and now he's back with me. Staying here "temporarily". Until he can return to work. And then he supposedly will move into a flatshare. But honestly? It's not looking good.
Since he's been back here, we've been talking a lot about ADHD again and we've now looked into it properly and we've read some books, and he totally recognises himself in the texts he's read. And boy do I recognise myself in the writings of the non-ADHD partners. It's like they're writing about us, our life together and about him and how he ticks.
But now finally my questions (loads) and what I really could do with some advice on. It's the drinking vs ADHD really.
When I got totally desperate I contacted the AA and Al-Anon and the message that is communicated back to me quite clearly is that I need to step away and let him get on with it, that he will never stop drinking until he hits rock bottom, that he is an alcoholic and that he literally needs to end up by himself on the streets before he'll work it out.
Obviously easier said than done.
But I am now wondering, if someone has ADHD is there not something else the matter? Is the drinking something that needs to be looked at in conjunction with ADHD? Will it not be utterly destroying and do nothing at all if someone with ADHD hits rock bottom? Will someone with ADHD hit rock bottom and then look for help? How when they don't ordinarily get anything done or organised? Or is it actually my fault that he gets nothing done, because I keep doing it for him?
Is there any help available with accommodation? We're in London. Is there somewhere for him to go if he gets fired and can't stay here any more? Should I worry? Everyone around me seems to say it's not my problem any more. But I don't know whether they'd be able to make someone homeless. Especially someone you think is vulnerable.
Argh. I don't know what to do. Are there other people on here who are alcoholics with ADHD? What happened to you? If you could share that would be so great.
Thanks already for reading this rather long post.