ash
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Hi I'm Ash - 33 - Here to try and become the best person I can be
Posts: 10
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Post by ash on Nov 28, 2016 2:29:12 GMT
Hi all
I'm struggling with a problem I've had forever.
Recently I've been struggling with communication with my best friend. We've been getting into a lot of arguments lately. She;s having a hard time with life at the moment and I completely feel for her, but sometimes I find our discussions a bit overwhelming and I end up losing my temper and saying things sound far worse to her than they do to me. To be honest, half the time I don't actually remember what I say, I just know that I am generally quite clumsy with my words in the heat of an argument.
It doesn't help thats, like me, she's also very sensitive, but she takes a lot of the things I say to heart and it really upsets her.
The next day when everything has settled down, I'm fine and back to normal, but for her, she remembers everything I've said word for word and it makes her very upset. As I said, most of the time, I don't even remember what exactly I've said.
Does anyone know where theres any links discussing this type of thing with ADHD that I can read please?
I would like to know more about it and try and figure out a way of controlling my mouth a little better.
Does anyone else find they have the same problem?
I should probably mention that i am on meds 15mg of methylthenidate Hydrochloride x 3 per day. I don't think thats had much of an affect on this particular situation either way...
Many thanks
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ash
Member's not posted much yet
Hi I'm Ash - 33 - Here to try and become the best person I can be
Posts: 10
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Post by ash on Nov 28, 2016 19:02:29 GMT
Hi ash Sorry to hear that you are struggling with this. Blurting and speaking without properly putting my brain in gear (regarding consequences) is one of the things that causes me the most difficulty in relation to my ADHD. It has been an absolute nightmare in the workplace. I totally understand how distressing this is and that you didn't mean to upset your friend. Unfortunately, it can be difficult for neurotypical people to understand why we react like that. I was disappointed to hear that you don't find that methylphenidate is helping with this - I am due to start on that soon and I had hoped that it would be effective for helping me manage that sort of behaviour. I'm not sure what to suggest, as I have tried just about every self-help book going and had loads of counselling too. I'm usually quite a considerate person, but in extreme stress I just open my mouth and..... I think it may just be something we have to accept about ourselves and perhaps you could try explaining that when you are upset and stressed you have very little control over what comes out of your mouth. Your friend may assume that this is just a 'get-out-of-jail-free-card' for bad behaviour, but hopefully there is also a chance that she may believe that you are sincere. Hi gc7 Thanks for your reply Sorry to hear you have similar experiences. I'm also a very considerate person, but in the heat of a moment I very easily explode... Particularly if it's something thats really getting to me. I'd quite like to read up about this but can't find anything out there at the moment It's a problem I've always had and it sometimes lands me in a lot of trouble. Half the time I genuinely don't remember what I've even said. Occasionally when I hear myself and realise then I'm quick to correct how I may have come across, but unfortunately this happens very little comparatively... With regards Meth. Hyd. I've found that it takes a hold of your concentration... Like a guide in a way and allows you to focus as well as giving an urge to carry out the task / tasks in hand. But don't take it late at night, you'll be up until 6am. Nowadays I try to have my last one around 6pm which is still quite late for some...
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 28, 2016 20:57:40 GMT
Me too! Hence no friends and the ones I had I've lost through this kind of thing
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ash
Member's not posted much yet
Hi I'm Ash - 33 - Here to try and become the best person I can be
Posts: 10
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Post by ash on Nov 30, 2016 2:42:53 GMT
Oh great. The future looks promising...
There must be a way to deal with this. I'm wondering if this is partially a learned response
DO you guys seriously have no friends now? Most of the people who I thought were friends I've since realised aren't worth bothering with. They weren't real friends. However I do have a small handful pf very close friends. BUT, I do have problems... "I've never argued with any of my friends like I have you"... "you're really difficult to be friends with" (Had that one from a few people...
Have any of you met / known / been friends with someone else who has ADHD before?
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 30, 2016 10:27:37 GMT
ash it's the thing I've found most difficult about having ADHD. I know a lot of people and am very sociable most of the time, but don't have any actual close friends . .I've built up barriers and don't let people get close. also I'm very intense, which makes me quite entertaining in small doses, but must be really tiring (I tire myself) in the longer term. It's great when you find someone who 'gets' you and won't take it when you tell them to f***off! . . Arguing/saying stuff you don't mean, but did at the time usually only happens with people I'm close to because I'm usually trying to hold in and police my behaviour. However, I'm well known for being rude (truthful) and saying inappropriate things . . often people find them funny . .but I don't know why I've said them. . I fell out with my oldest closest friend of 30 years a year ago over something that was his fault and he still doesn't think I meant it because I've done the same thing over and over and he knows I usually don't mean it. I've made some lovely friends with ADHD online and have met a few . .it's so nice not to have to police my behaviour or explain it . . I go to a support group too. .
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Post by marionk on Dec 3, 2016 9:02:37 GMT
Oh great. The future looks promising... There must be a way to deal with this. I'm wondering if this is partially a learned response DO you guys seriously have no friends now? Most of the people who I thought were friends I've since realised aren't worth bothering with. They weren't real friends. However I do have a small handful pf very close friends. BUT, I do have problems... "I've never argued with any of my friends like I have you"... "you're really difficult to be friends with" (Had that one from a few people... Have any of you met / known / been friends with someone else who has ADHD before? That is something I realised in my teens. It was part of my epiphany after getting excruciatingly upset after being bullied one day. Since then I've been very picky as to who I actually consider to be a friend. Basically if someone doesn't like me, I don't want them anywhere near me! I'm not going to break my back trying to have everything perfect, so that Mrs. Snooty-pants can't find fault with me, she can F off and mind her own business! With just one exception, everyone I have considered to be a friend has been thoroughly decent, honest, and considerate. Her views on various things were at opposite poles, and I stayed friends with her for years, partly due to my having no other real friends, and partly because she does have a few really good traits, but in the end her nastier attitudes have made me ditch her permanently. Since realising I have ADHD, I have found that a lot of people in my social circles (i.e. with the same kind of interests as me) are also ADHD! Well, they say they are, but tbh, I never noticed, and compared with someone I met recently (who is actually not dx ADHD), they are all fine! I often wonder how 'normal' or otherwise I seem to other people, especially in the light of the previous paragraph. The chap I met recently, I know other people notice his problems, but they don't seem to have noticed mine, yet to me, he seems to be only slightly worse than me, and actually in some aspects considerably better. Maybe they do notice, but are too polite to make an issue of it. Ahhh yes! I do know people that have noticed and have made an issue of it! I just don't like them! Regards mph, I get limited benefit from it, but stopping me blurting, is not one of them.
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cbf1
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Post by cbf1 on Dec 3, 2016 11:39:01 GMT
I find it incredibly difficult to manage workplaces. I am a passionate worker but due to little bursts of behaviour and outbursts that I immediately regret I rarely make it past probation periods. I'm currently nearing the end of a 6 month probation period within the UK civil service and I have a formal meeting next week with my manager as to why my behaviour is the way it is. I feel like a child, I understand why sometimes my behaviour being erratic as it is can cause concern in such a strict professional workplace, but it's really causing me distress and I guess compounding the problem. I don't even know if I have adhd but reading over the information here I certainly think so, it explains a great deal for the years gone by. I'm terrified of losing my job, I'll be absolutely devastated, it's the first job I can concentrate on certain aspects since it makes me think and use my brain more.
Not really sure what I was posting, probably just venting. Eh!
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Post by hanonymouse on Dec 20, 2016 21:32:27 GMT
Me too! have done it all my life but was only diagnosed aged 41. As seems to be the theme, I have no friends, I talk too much, blurt stuff out and also lose interest really quickly. I fine 'normal' people really boring!
At works once (several jobs ago), I could see from my desk that a rather large director got our of his car and the car raised up several inches and I could almost hear a sigh of relief from the suspension. Out of nowhere, I just blurted out "I wonder when he last saw his penis!" Most of the office were so totally stunned that they couldn't speak, only one person had a mix of shock and laughter on his face and managed to call out my name in the best shocked voice he could muster!
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Post by hanonymouse on Dec 21, 2016 18:32:54 GMT
...and the time at band rehearsal last year when the conductor asked the young drummer to hit the timpani so hard the he might break the skins and I blurted out "You can only break the skin once!" Again, a mix of feigned shock and laughter and with there being kids about, the conductor did great job of glossing over it My problem is that my mouth has a direct connection to my thought process far too often without filter.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Dec 21, 2016 18:50:16 GMT
I often make people laugh without intending to be funny . . .my counsellor in particular . .
and then I have to pretend that I meant it all along and have an incredibly dry sense of humour!
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kilgoretrout
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What did I come here for?
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Post by kilgoretrout on Jan 16, 2017 11:40:30 GMT
I find it incredibly difficult to manage workplaces. I am a passionate worker but due to little bursts of behaviour and outbursts that I immediately regret I rarely make it past probation periods. I'm currently nearing the end of a 6 month probation period within the UK civil service and I have a formal meeting next week with my manager as to why my behaviour is the way it is. I feel like a child, I understand why sometimes my behaviour being erratic as it is can cause concern in such a strict professional workplace, but it's really causing me distress and I guess compounding the problem. I don't even know if I have adhd but reading over the information here I certainly think so, it explains a great deal for the years gone by. I'm terrified of losing my job, I'll be absolutely devastated, it's the first job I can concentrate on certain aspects since it makes me think and use my brain more. Not really sure what I was posting, probably just venting. Eh! I've had all sorts of issues with this in my past. I've learned over time to smooth over some of the rough edges, and hold back a little. It takes a lot of mental effort and often fails. I've got myself into all sorts of tricky situations. However, I work in high pressure, high velocity environments (I was lucky enough to fall into the tech arena during the first internet boom, where I've been working ever since) and an ability to express yourself honestly in a deeply political and often highly complicated environment is frequently highly valued. In fact, I've got a great reputation for it, and people pay me (pretty well actually) to come into their big company and 'call bullshit'. Because of my erratic, semi-obsessive nature, I've picked up a tonne of knowledge in all sorts of stuff, cos I find everything interesting and I'm easily distracted and often get totally hyper-focussed on stuff. That leaves me with an ultra-broad spectrum of knowledge. If you combine that with a bit of self-confidence (when it turns up!) you become a very valuable asset. You just have to find the right job. Since I'm a contractor/consultant, i can delve in and out of roles with little or no repercussion if they go bad. I've been 'made to disappear' from various roles where I was brought in to 'speak the truth' and they didn't like what I said. That's their problem not mine. I only did what I was asked. What I'm saying is that some of your symptoms, although sometimes hard to deal with, can be an asset. Learn the way you are and USE that. You need to employ a certain amount of discipline (hard I know) and manage the way you come across. I frequently have to go around and clear up messes I've made by shooting my mouth off - most people just understand they I am passionate and speak my mind, so it's rare that I cause any major harm. I think this is because people expect this type of behaviour from me, it's why I am there, and they know I'm only trying to help. You're not broken, just wired a little differently. And it's not all bad. Just hang it there.
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