Post by Amy78 on Jun 15, 2018 7:52:39 GMT
Hello Forum,
My partner & I have been together for ten years now, we have a son (7), love each other, been through difficult times together and I feel our relationship is strong. We try both to be constructive, yet I feel we hit the same obstacle again, again & again and it tires me out (him too I guess) and even sometimes when I'm upset and hurt I feel like I might feel better if I quit trying and left my spouse, I'm having tears in my eyes when writing this, it is more an emotional reaction of despair as it is a rational one and quitting is not what I really feel I want to do. I'd rather find another solution.
My partner was diagnosed with adhd as a kid, went through Ritalin, stopped it as he wasn't himself anymore and learned other coping mechanisms. His adhd isn't obvious at all, sometimes I forget he processes stuff so differently and thus I guess my expectations are off.
My partner was diagnosed with adhd as a kid, went through Ritalin, stopped it as he wasn't himself anymore and learned other coping mechanisms. His adhd isn't obvious at all, sometimes I forget he processes stuff so differently and thus I guess my expectations are off.
I know how it is to be "different" as I had to learn to live and with depression & anxiety. I've been to therapy every week for 6 years, to find triggers and reconnect with myself mostly. Since I do much better I built my career up and work as solopreneur from home and that allowed my husband to quit a job that was slowly but surely killing his soul.
What sets me off mostly, what is such a recurring disappointment for me, in our relationship is when it comes to planning & organizing. It is like all the big stuff is up to me and I carry all the responsibility on my shoulders. I wish he would take over a few things in that area and take the lead on them, like fixing the hole in one of the floorboards or communicating clearly when I ask him whether he thinks he'd like to come and travel during 6 weeks (I can take my work with me).
Example: Obstacle 1: planning to do something "major"
We have the big chance that I am able to take my work with me & that my grandparents house sits empty, it is close to the sea and I so would love to spend more time there. To me it is a simple thing and a straightforward question to ask someone: Would you also like to spend a month or a month and a half there this summer?
He either says something funny and I feel my serious request gets turned in derision. Or he says a halfhearted yes, just so that I leave him alone. Of course I do not want a forced yes. I want a true answer, I want to know how he feels about it and what HE would like to do. The best I can get is a "we'll see"... I cannot live with that since I need to juggle my clients and appointments and need to plan ahead.
This example is what happened, again, just this morning. On one hand I understand somehow that my request triggers something stressful in my partner, on the other hand I get upset and feel unsafe in my life because of his inability to think about it and tell me what he would like to do.
What can I do better, how can I ask those questions in a different way? How can I go about it differently. This keeps coming up since we are together. I do all the planning while trying to respect his wishes but he can't communicate them clearly t me. I feel like in an impossible place and I want to get out of there.
Sorry for the rant... this needed to come out of my system. Thanks to everyone who read this to the end.
If you live with adhd or have a partner with it, what would you do, consider doing ? Any ideas? Reflections? Am I just a selfish woman ?!
I am thinking about asking external help in counseling, but that counselor would need to know a hell of a lot about adhd, otherwise it would get worse. Did any couple here try that? How was it? How does one find a competent counselor?
Example: Obstacle 1: planning to do something "major"
We have the big chance that I am able to take my work with me & that my grandparents house sits empty, it is close to the sea and I so would love to spend more time there. To me it is a simple thing and a straightforward question to ask someone: Would you also like to spend a month or a month and a half there this summer?
He either says something funny and I feel my serious request gets turned in derision. Or he says a halfhearted yes, just so that I leave him alone. Of course I do not want a forced yes. I want a true answer, I want to know how he feels about it and what HE would like to do. The best I can get is a "we'll see"... I cannot live with that since I need to juggle my clients and appointments and need to plan ahead.
This example is what happened, again, just this morning. On one hand I understand somehow that my request triggers something stressful in my partner, on the other hand I get upset and feel unsafe in my life because of his inability to think about it and tell me what he would like to do.
What can I do better, how can I ask those questions in a different way? How can I go about it differently. This keeps coming up since we are together. I do all the planning while trying to respect his wishes but he can't communicate them clearly t me. I feel like in an impossible place and I want to get out of there.
Sorry for the rant... this needed to come out of my system. Thanks to everyone who read this to the end.
If you live with adhd or have a partner with it, what would you do, consider doing ? Any ideas? Reflections? Am I just a selfish woman ?!
I am thinking about asking external help in counseling, but that counselor would need to know a hell of a lot about adhd, otherwise it would get worse. Did any couple here try that? How was it? How does one find a competent counselor?
Peace out.
A
A