Post by swagnusswagnusson on Jun 25, 2019 0:48:32 GMT
Hello, great and useful site Ive been lurking for a while but didnt want to co9me and mess your forums up by postiung irrelevant stuff, I'm still not sure I'm goiung to be diagnosed ADHD, but I made some important first steps on a road to somewhwere, somwewhere mbewtter hopefully
My GP is very understanding, all my local GPs down here in a rural Devopn village have been vbrilliant.
I'm sorry about the wall of text, Ive justr reprinted the 'notes' my GP asked me to make about some relevant symptomss before I went for my appointmant today
Will try top keep updated, theres a lof of psychological stuff, not just ADHD related i'ver been trying to deal with over the last few years, will be discussing marriage, divorce, prolific drug use, and the quality of my erections amongst other fascinatinbg topics
My GP is very understanding, all my local GPs down here in a rural Devopn village have been vbrilliant.
I'm sorry about the wall of text, Ive justr reprinted the 'notes' my GP asked me to make about some relevant symptomss before I went for my appointmant today
insertNotes for GP appointment. Dr T , Local Medical Centre.
10 months since breakdown and diagnosis of severe depression and severe anxiety.
Tried Citalopram for 2-3 months, just made me sleeeeeep.
Switched to venlafaxine, also makes me sleepy, Still taking venlafaxine.
tried CBT with DAS , very nice woman, got on well, but neither of us felt the CBT was right, she suggested counselling.
Anti-depressants are just not having effect.
The only effects are the side effects, and the cessation effects if I miss a dose. I hate the side effects, massive weight gain, Lethargic, clumsy, unbalanced, no sex drive, inability to achieve erection if I do have sex drive, and on the rare occasions I can I'm unable to orgasm. Which obviously makes my self-esteem and depression even worse if anything. And not helping keep a bond with my occasional partner, I can't offer financial stability I have no work and even a physical relationship is eluding me now. The only benefit I can feel from *taking* the venlafaxine is that I won't get brain zaps within 2 hours of *not taking* a dose. Very low motivation, desperately anxious still same levels as before. Not seeing friends, struggling.
I was going to see about change of meds or possible new talking therapy....CBT wasn’t useful, and counselling really not helpful, I don’t have a problem talking about my issues and am an obsessive reader and understand the psychological difficulties I have and their connections with absent caregivers, and attachment/abandonment/neglect issues. I understand how recent medical issues have brought back memories of early years developmental issues I try to meditate when I can, but not very successfully when my head is so full of noise.
Anyway I came across a few people online talking about undiagnosed ADHD/ADD in adults leading to employment difficulties, marital problems, financial issues etc, and they end up presenting as depression/anxiety. And not responding to the AD meds or therapies. Lots of friends, colleagues, customers have joked with me 'are you ADHD?' in the past, when they've been listening to me tangent off topic, or watching me sit with my knee bouncing up and down. I'd laughed it off without really knowing what they meant, apart from being a bit eccentric maybe.
So I went to see Dr H a few months ago, he dismissed it and said I should give the venlafaxine more time. I have. And it’s definitely not helping it's making things worse. I know people in your profession must get really pissed off with patients self-diagnosing and considering themselves better able to do so after a week of reading anecdotal evidence on reddit, than their GP who's studied for 5(?) years at Uni and many hours clinical practice and professional practice etc.
But I would like to be referred to the Devon Autism And Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (DANA) Services, in Exeter for an assessment for Adult ADD. There was no awareness of this or screening for it in the 70's when I was at school and I made myself pretty invisible anyway. I'm certain, it's the root cause of this breakdown and the events leading to it, and looking back over my life it has always been there, turning everything to , er, poo in my wake, relationships, lovers, friendships, jobs, education, and I think it’s this compounding of dashed hopes, and failed dreams , a sense of underachievement, again and again, so predictably that's led to this episode being so problematic. I've talked about an 'impending sense of doom' I've had it since my teenage years, a constant certainty that everything’s going to go against me, and I think losing my marriage, my home and my business last year has been the final kick in the teeth. Yes, on the face of it , loss of marriage and home and employment at my age will be a huge indicator for a depressive episode. I'm not in any way criticising the initial diagnosis by yourself.
My intended outcome would be a prescription for medication to stop me constantly feeling stressed and distracted, and for coaching support to try and turn around a lifetime of bad habits and hiding/minimising/coping/avoidant behaviours and maybe rescue a few years of normalcy before I shuffle off.
Childhood, under 12, found it difficult getting accepted in new social groups, find small talk, chitter chatter impossible and very boring. (and still do to this day) Terrible problems sleeping at night. Used to lie awake night after night visualising patterns and imagery in wallpaper. . Went for assessment once as I was pulling hair out. MY mother tells me when I've asked her that they 'didn’t know' what was causing it. chronic nail biter, and scratcher and picker of scabs to this day.
Very bright at primary school, went to a private 2ndry school. Oxbridge prep type place. Rarely completed homework, found many ways to get away with it throughout school. Mainly by being as invisible as possible. Days were painfully slow lessons just didn't seem to connect to my brain. Except maths, I loved O level maths, the logic and systems and patterns. At 16 got an average 6 O levels, things getting worse, I had worked out how to truant without detection, throughout the 6th form left school with a single grade D A level, way below early indications no chance of Uni but I was secretly very pleased as I realised academia wasn't my thing... couldn't read novels, unless they really hit a nerve, in which case I'd stay awake for 24 hours to finish it. Couldn't revise for exams, would sometimes try but it was pointless, really didn’t know how to do it, couldn’t hold the info. reading novels was a waste of time, even long movies to an extent, I just couldn't hold all the relationships and locations in any order.....I could speak pretty fluent French, but failed A level due to the critical writing exams, for texts I hadn’t read.
Okay this might not be in my records, I mentioned to Dr H, but
Started smoking age 14,
drinking regularly from age 15, drank very heavily from age 18-26.
Cannabis first use age 16, by age 19 was daily, until age 45.....
Stimulants from 19, and often daily use, mainly d-amphetamine, later cocaine, and other DRI/NDRI compounds MDPV, A-PVP, and others. Mostly functional doses, I didn’t realise at the time though.
LSD at age 18, psilocybin and LSD through 20s.
MDMA, and many other phenethylamines, and most major cathinone drugs. Recreational high dose weekend use, weekly right through my 20s and into 40's (but not such high doses as got older). (occasional brain zaps after a heavy multi dose binge but not nearly as disturbing as the venlafaxine brain zaps )
Coffee I drank from the age of about 13 but caffeine has never kept me awake at all. Caffeine has no stimulant effect on me.
Daily stimulant and THC use never interfered with life, nobody noticed, I just felt 'good' nothing recreational apart from occasional days where I’d just tip the dose past what would be described as functional by accident, but at weekends yes bigger doses and fun. But most my 20s the days started with a coffee with low-dose amphetamine stirred in. I remember I used to sit and I’d feel the calming effect, the clear headed effect kind of slowly flow from my head over my whole body, was a very physical indicator. Then I could just get on with the day like anyone else and have a good nights sleep. Before I 'discovered' amphetamine, I'd invariably sit drinking coffee, have another , then end up watching Supermarket Sweep and missing my work bus, getting into work late flustered, feeling guilty and stressed.
I never understood why speed wasn’t something EVERYBODY took, I managed to keep the house clean, I worked well, still struggled with paperwork and bills though.
Nobody, family, friends, employers, would have told you I was under the influence of drugs. In my 20s went from one job to another , usually burnt my bridges at each one and either got fired or left before they could fire me. Punctuality, absence, failure on paperwork, office jobs, loathed them.
MOST successful, career wise period of my life age 27-34 I was teaching at colleges in the Midlands, getting MORE work, eventually Head of English at xxxxxxx college, and completed a lev 7 teaching diploma. Those 7 years were also the 7 years I was using cocaine daily, before work, in my office at college, while doing paperwork at night, just a line, but kept me focused and shut out the clatter and jangle and distractions. was also using it recreationally at weekends. This was the period I noticed I slept much better using stimulants, all through my childhood and teens Id had very poor sleep hygiene, I could take cocaine and be asleep an hour later. I realised this on a day when I hadn’t taken any and just couldn’t sleep. And cocaine meant I could complete the 5000 word dissertation we'd had 7 months to do in 21 hours and got it in on time in true ADD style. Also in true ADD style I’d failed to do the bibliography so didn’t get my grade for another 6 months after resubmission.
Eventually moved to Devon and lost reliable source so weaned myself off daily cocaine use, but was still buying it, and ecstasy and amphetamine, and various cathinones, pyrovalerones and flouroamphetamines. Pretty much always steered myself to the dopamine releasers and uptake inhibitors.
Working for Royal mail was ideal, no paperwork, very clear structure. All postmen are on a level. I can cope with clear structure,i cant cope when I'm left to my own devices to organise. and back then if you were late they'd send a colleague out in a van to kick you out of bed rather than go down disciplinary routes.
Left Royal mail in 2014 after I broke my neck, this is when I set up my own business and stopped using drugs, including cannabis.
ALWAYS had financial issues, running away from debts, unpaid bills, even library books and fines. Lost count of how many A level evening classes or degree or access courses I started and never finished through my 20s, business plans. Irresponsibly promiscuous for a while, again the dopamine calling.
Have always been late for everything, flights, got to Bristol airport without passports last year, always forget and lose stuff. Even if I allow plenty of time there will always be something to distract me and make me late, something I decide I need to do, or hear on the radio. Takes me a long time and an embarrassing amount of stress to leave the house as I pat down all my pockets and check and double check , then run back inside just before I close the door, then when I’m wherever I am I’ll keep doubting I’ve turned off the oven, the heating etc.
Marriage started really suffering when I stopped using drugs. in fact everything did. I just suddenly found everything too noisy, irritation and all the nonsense in my head which the drugs had kept subdued, or calmed to an extent flooded in and made me anxious, paranoid, mistrustful, and obsessive. I didn’t make the connection as most of the drug use had petered out slowly, but the cannabis use that had always been the constant, that’s the one I stopped last. I can see now it keeps the chatter quiet, I’m constantly answering stupid pointless questions in my head, trying to put questions in order to find out later, totting up sums and working out formulas for working out measurements and by the time I have the answer I've forgotten what the imaginary item I was measuring even was. I put the change down to my change form being a postman to starting my own business, I was working 21 hours a day. Really, 2-3 nights not sleeping at all, a couple of times I'd sleep in the daytime to catch up. I wasn't 'aware ‘of any type of ADD issue I just thought that’s what people do when they set up a new business.
Sleep patterns got worse and worse, partly down to hyperfocus, on anything at all, easily go 3 consecutive days and nights without any sleep, before I have to make myself stop when my vision starts playing tricks on me and I’m nodding off having conversations with the shadow people. When I’m in that state I quite often forget to eat and drink regularly too Hyperfocus/procrastination/avoidance I can be EXTREMELY organised and productive if I decide I want to.... have in recent years spent many nights not going to bed at all, often just researching twaddle, manipulating the google ranking algorithms in my favour, playing games or watching movies, mixing music, learnt how to build PCs form scratch and built my first one within a week of deciding to do so, taught myself how to build a website, taught myself html programming, lots of advanced graphic design softwares, sat all of the Google Data Analysis qualifications, learnt how to extract and refine DMT, read about furniture repairs and French polished a damaged table, writing poems, designed and made a stunt kite, polishing stones, rewiring vaporizers, spent a few days learning how to take apart all models of iPhone and replace parts (I don’t have an iPhone), am an admin on more internet forums and groups than you could think of on very diverse topics, It’s such a normal thing to me now, at nearly 50 I don’t think anything of it, I'll look at the time, 5am, getting light, and just decide I might as well get whatever I’m doing finished rather than stop. Hyperfocus is productive, even if it’s not healthy.
But I never remember family birthday cards, I can’t remember what friends told me last time I spoke to them, their kids names, I have piles of unopened bills and parking fines, I don't have a car now because I always forget where I park it and end up with tickets, Any car I have seems to fall apart in my care after a matter of months anyway. I spent 4 hours cleaning up and polishing a glass cover for my record decks a couple of nights ago, but haven’t washed up since last Monday, I’ve told myself to every time I go in the kitchen. I can't make or take phone calls except in very rare circumstances, so bills invariably end up being bailiff visits and letters so my anxiety spirals.
Its an Introduction
The financial thing I have got away with for 20 years as I was married and my wife took care of that, it’s about to crash in all round me. she's well organised and knows I'm not. I can do housework too it’s a kind of guilt thing, I tell myself if I don’t, I'll be letting other people down. But in my own house I'm terrible, even though I’ve been doing it fine for years. Its simple stuff, which I can do, and I'm not lazy it just feels like a complete mental block. However My son stays with me alternate weeks fri-fri and I always mean to spend the Thursday hoovering , cleaning, washing bedsheets, making sure all his clothes are clean, clean towels etc.....this rolls over into Friday.....and I'm running round trying to do EVERYTHING at about 3.30 on Friday when he's due through the door at 4 from school because I've spent the afternoon trying to find out the techniques different clown families used over the years to cram into their clown cars.
I’ve always felt and described myself as useless. A bit of a failure. Yeah, some things have gone well, but they’ve not tended to last. I've got some quite serious financial problems which have snowballed from almost nothing just due to me not returning a form or losing a reference number.
They tell people with ADD to make lists. Ha, I've spent hours in hyperfocus mode having decided a list isn’t flexible enough to break down tasks in order to make things easier and so ended up doing spreadsheets with macros and graphic interfaces, with a short list to act as a key to decipher the main list. As soon as the list is made I press print then decide I need to service my printer. Which involves stripping it down component by component to clean it and reassemble it. And the list is gone from my mind. Lists dont make me do the things on the list, they just serve to remind me how useless I am. In writing. I invariably fail to actually touch any of the really important bits.
Since my business failed again, hyperfocus on making a great product, branding, website, constant contact with customers, constant noise on every internet forum and channel and it was a HUGE success and won awards in its first 6 months but the hyperfocus on the parts of the business I was interested in didn’t extend to keeping records or accounts, (all profit/loss was in my head, as were stock levels). Regulation of the industry meant everything had to be fully auditable all supply chains accounted for etc. It wasn’t sustainable in the end. But obviously, at the time I couldn’t have heeded any warnings as I was hyperfocussed.
Anyway this was a few notes for me to bring to an appointment. There are many more instances of ADD type behaviours I could give you, but this is already turning into a piece of evidence in itself, and I'm only still writing it to avoid doing the washing up and paying the phone bill.
Please keep me informed of progress on this referral
Many Thanks.
OuterSpaceMan quote here
10 months since breakdown and diagnosis of severe depression and severe anxiety.
Tried Citalopram for 2-3 months, just made me sleeeeeep.
Switched to venlafaxine, also makes me sleepy, Still taking venlafaxine.
tried CBT with DAS , very nice woman, got on well, but neither of us felt the CBT was right, she suggested counselling.
Anti-depressants are just not having effect.
The only effects are the side effects, and the cessation effects if I miss a dose. I hate the side effects, massive weight gain, Lethargic, clumsy, unbalanced, no sex drive, inability to achieve erection if I do have sex drive, and on the rare occasions I can I'm unable to orgasm. Which obviously makes my self-esteem and depression even worse if anything. And not helping keep a bond with my occasional partner, I can't offer financial stability I have no work and even a physical relationship is eluding me now. The only benefit I can feel from *taking* the venlafaxine is that I won't get brain zaps within 2 hours of *not taking* a dose. Very low motivation, desperately anxious still same levels as before. Not seeing friends, struggling.
I was going to see about change of meds or possible new talking therapy....CBT wasn’t useful, and counselling really not helpful, I don’t have a problem talking about my issues and am an obsessive reader and understand the psychological difficulties I have and their connections with absent caregivers, and attachment/abandonment/neglect issues. I understand how recent medical issues have brought back memories of early years developmental issues I try to meditate when I can, but not very successfully when my head is so full of noise.
Anyway I came across a few people online talking about undiagnosed ADHD/ADD in adults leading to employment difficulties, marital problems, financial issues etc, and they end up presenting as depression/anxiety. And not responding to the AD meds or therapies. Lots of friends, colleagues, customers have joked with me 'are you ADHD?' in the past, when they've been listening to me tangent off topic, or watching me sit with my knee bouncing up and down. I'd laughed it off without really knowing what they meant, apart from being a bit eccentric maybe.
So I went to see Dr H a few months ago, he dismissed it and said I should give the venlafaxine more time. I have. And it’s definitely not helping it's making things worse. I know people in your profession must get really pissed off with patients self-diagnosing and considering themselves better able to do so after a week of reading anecdotal evidence on reddit, than their GP who's studied for 5(?) years at Uni and many hours clinical practice and professional practice etc.
But I would like to be referred to the Devon Autism And Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (DANA) Services, in Exeter for an assessment for Adult ADD. There was no awareness of this or screening for it in the 70's when I was at school and I made myself pretty invisible anyway. I'm certain, it's the root cause of this breakdown and the events leading to it, and looking back over my life it has always been there, turning everything to , er, poo in my wake, relationships, lovers, friendships, jobs, education, and I think it’s this compounding of dashed hopes, and failed dreams , a sense of underachievement, again and again, so predictably that's led to this episode being so problematic. I've talked about an 'impending sense of doom' I've had it since my teenage years, a constant certainty that everything’s going to go against me, and I think losing my marriage, my home and my business last year has been the final kick in the teeth. Yes, on the face of it , loss of marriage and home and employment at my age will be a huge indicator for a depressive episode. I'm not in any way criticising the initial diagnosis by yourself.
My intended outcome would be a prescription for medication to stop me constantly feeling stressed and distracted, and for coaching support to try and turn around a lifetime of bad habits and hiding/minimising/coping/avoidant behaviours and maybe rescue a few years of normalcy before I shuffle off.
Childhood, under 12, found it difficult getting accepted in new social groups, find small talk, chitter chatter impossible and very boring. (and still do to this day) Terrible problems sleeping at night. Used to lie awake night after night visualising patterns and imagery in wallpaper. . Went for assessment once as I was pulling hair out. MY mother tells me when I've asked her that they 'didn’t know' what was causing it. chronic nail biter, and scratcher and picker of scabs to this day.
Very bright at primary school, went to a private 2ndry school. Oxbridge prep type place. Rarely completed homework, found many ways to get away with it throughout school. Mainly by being as invisible as possible. Days were painfully slow lessons just didn't seem to connect to my brain. Except maths, I loved O level maths, the logic and systems and patterns. At 16 got an average 6 O levels, things getting worse, I had worked out how to truant without detection, throughout the 6th form left school with a single grade D A level, way below early indications no chance of Uni but I was secretly very pleased as I realised academia wasn't my thing... couldn't read novels, unless they really hit a nerve, in which case I'd stay awake for 24 hours to finish it. Couldn't revise for exams, would sometimes try but it was pointless, really didn’t know how to do it, couldn’t hold the info. reading novels was a waste of time, even long movies to an extent, I just couldn't hold all the relationships and locations in any order.....I could speak pretty fluent French, but failed A level due to the critical writing exams, for texts I hadn’t read.
Okay this might not be in my records, I mentioned to Dr H, but
Started smoking age 14,
drinking regularly from age 15, drank very heavily from age 18-26.
Cannabis first use age 16, by age 19 was daily, until age 45.....
Stimulants from 19, and often daily use, mainly d-amphetamine, later cocaine, and other DRI/NDRI compounds MDPV, A-PVP, and others. Mostly functional doses, I didn’t realise at the time though.
LSD at age 18, psilocybin and LSD through 20s.
MDMA, and many other phenethylamines, and most major cathinone drugs. Recreational high dose weekend use, weekly right through my 20s and into 40's (but not such high doses as got older). (occasional brain zaps after a heavy multi dose binge but not nearly as disturbing as the venlafaxine brain zaps )
Coffee I drank from the age of about 13 but caffeine has never kept me awake at all. Caffeine has no stimulant effect on me.
Daily stimulant and THC use never interfered with life, nobody noticed, I just felt 'good' nothing recreational apart from occasional days where I’d just tip the dose past what would be described as functional by accident, but at weekends yes bigger doses and fun. But most my 20s the days started with a coffee with low-dose amphetamine stirred in. I remember I used to sit and I’d feel the calming effect, the clear headed effect kind of slowly flow from my head over my whole body, was a very physical indicator. Then I could just get on with the day like anyone else and have a good nights sleep. Before I 'discovered' amphetamine, I'd invariably sit drinking coffee, have another , then end up watching Supermarket Sweep and missing my work bus, getting into work late flustered, feeling guilty and stressed.
I never understood why speed wasn’t something EVERYBODY took, I managed to keep the house clean, I worked well, still struggled with paperwork and bills though.
Nobody, family, friends, employers, would have told you I was under the influence of drugs. In my 20s went from one job to another , usually burnt my bridges at each one and either got fired or left before they could fire me. Punctuality, absence, failure on paperwork, office jobs, loathed them.
MOST successful, career wise period of my life age 27-34 I was teaching at colleges in the Midlands, getting MORE work, eventually Head of English at xxxxxxx college, and completed a lev 7 teaching diploma. Those 7 years were also the 7 years I was using cocaine daily, before work, in my office at college, while doing paperwork at night, just a line, but kept me focused and shut out the clatter and jangle and distractions. was also using it recreationally at weekends. This was the period I noticed I slept much better using stimulants, all through my childhood and teens Id had very poor sleep hygiene, I could take cocaine and be asleep an hour later. I realised this on a day when I hadn’t taken any and just couldn’t sleep. And cocaine meant I could complete the 5000 word dissertation we'd had 7 months to do in 21 hours and got it in on time in true ADD style. Also in true ADD style I’d failed to do the bibliography so didn’t get my grade for another 6 months after resubmission.
Eventually moved to Devon and lost reliable source so weaned myself off daily cocaine use, but was still buying it, and ecstasy and amphetamine, and various cathinones, pyrovalerones and flouroamphetamines. Pretty much always steered myself to the dopamine releasers and uptake inhibitors.
Working for Royal mail was ideal, no paperwork, very clear structure. All postmen are on a level. I can cope with clear structure,i cant cope when I'm left to my own devices to organise. and back then if you were late they'd send a colleague out in a van to kick you out of bed rather than go down disciplinary routes.
Left Royal mail in 2014 after I broke my neck, this is when I set up my own business and stopped using drugs, including cannabis.
ALWAYS had financial issues, running away from debts, unpaid bills, even library books and fines. Lost count of how many A level evening classes or degree or access courses I started and never finished through my 20s, business plans. Irresponsibly promiscuous for a while, again the dopamine calling.
Have always been late for everything, flights, got to Bristol airport without passports last year, always forget and lose stuff. Even if I allow plenty of time there will always be something to distract me and make me late, something I decide I need to do, or hear on the radio. Takes me a long time and an embarrassing amount of stress to leave the house as I pat down all my pockets and check and double check , then run back inside just before I close the door, then when I’m wherever I am I’ll keep doubting I’ve turned off the oven, the heating etc.
Marriage started really suffering when I stopped using drugs. in fact everything did. I just suddenly found everything too noisy, irritation and all the nonsense in my head which the drugs had kept subdued, or calmed to an extent flooded in and made me anxious, paranoid, mistrustful, and obsessive. I didn’t make the connection as most of the drug use had petered out slowly, but the cannabis use that had always been the constant, that’s the one I stopped last. I can see now it keeps the chatter quiet, I’m constantly answering stupid pointless questions in my head, trying to put questions in order to find out later, totting up sums and working out formulas for working out measurements and by the time I have the answer I've forgotten what the imaginary item I was measuring even was. I put the change down to my change form being a postman to starting my own business, I was working 21 hours a day. Really, 2-3 nights not sleeping at all, a couple of times I'd sleep in the daytime to catch up. I wasn't 'aware ‘of any type of ADD issue I just thought that’s what people do when they set up a new business.
Sleep patterns got worse and worse, partly down to hyperfocus, on anything at all, easily go 3 consecutive days and nights without any sleep, before I have to make myself stop when my vision starts playing tricks on me and I’m nodding off having conversations with the shadow people. When I’m in that state I quite often forget to eat and drink regularly too Hyperfocus/procrastination/avoidance I can be EXTREMELY organised and productive if I decide I want to.... have in recent years spent many nights not going to bed at all, often just researching twaddle, manipulating the google ranking algorithms in my favour, playing games or watching movies, mixing music, learnt how to build PCs form scratch and built my first one within a week of deciding to do so, taught myself how to build a website, taught myself html programming, lots of advanced graphic design softwares, sat all of the Google Data Analysis qualifications, learnt how to extract and refine DMT, read about furniture repairs and French polished a damaged table, writing poems, designed and made a stunt kite, polishing stones, rewiring vaporizers, spent a few days learning how to take apart all models of iPhone and replace parts (I don’t have an iPhone), am an admin on more internet forums and groups than you could think of on very diverse topics, It’s such a normal thing to me now, at nearly 50 I don’t think anything of it, I'll look at the time, 5am, getting light, and just decide I might as well get whatever I’m doing finished rather than stop. Hyperfocus is productive, even if it’s not healthy.
But I never remember family birthday cards, I can’t remember what friends told me last time I spoke to them, their kids names, I have piles of unopened bills and parking fines, I don't have a car now because I always forget where I park it and end up with tickets, Any car I have seems to fall apart in my care after a matter of months anyway. I spent 4 hours cleaning up and polishing a glass cover for my record decks a couple of nights ago, but haven’t washed up since last Monday, I’ve told myself to every time I go in the kitchen. I can't make or take phone calls except in very rare circumstances, so bills invariably end up being bailiff visits and letters so my anxiety spirals.
Its an Introduction
The financial thing I have got away with for 20 years as I was married and my wife took care of that, it’s about to crash in all round me. she's well organised and knows I'm not. I can do housework too it’s a kind of guilt thing, I tell myself if I don’t, I'll be letting other people down. But in my own house I'm terrible, even though I’ve been doing it fine for years. Its simple stuff, which I can do, and I'm not lazy it just feels like a complete mental block. However My son stays with me alternate weeks fri-fri and I always mean to spend the Thursday hoovering , cleaning, washing bedsheets, making sure all his clothes are clean, clean towels etc.....this rolls over into Friday.....and I'm running round trying to do EVERYTHING at about 3.30 on Friday when he's due through the door at 4 from school because I've spent the afternoon trying to find out the techniques different clown families used over the years to cram into their clown cars.
I’ve always felt and described myself as useless. A bit of a failure. Yeah, some things have gone well, but they’ve not tended to last. I've got some quite serious financial problems which have snowballed from almost nothing just due to me not returning a form or losing a reference number.
They tell people with ADD to make lists. Ha, I've spent hours in hyperfocus mode having decided a list isn’t flexible enough to break down tasks in order to make things easier and so ended up doing spreadsheets with macros and graphic interfaces, with a short list to act as a key to decipher the main list. As soon as the list is made I press print then decide I need to service my printer. Which involves stripping it down component by component to clean it and reassemble it. And the list is gone from my mind. Lists dont make me do the things on the list, they just serve to remind me how useless I am. In writing. I invariably fail to actually touch any of the really important bits.
Since my business failed again, hyperfocus on making a great product, branding, website, constant contact with customers, constant noise on every internet forum and channel and it was a HUGE success and won awards in its first 6 months but the hyperfocus on the parts of the business I was interested in didn’t extend to keeping records or accounts, (all profit/loss was in my head, as were stock levels). Regulation of the industry meant everything had to be fully auditable all supply chains accounted for etc. It wasn’t sustainable in the end. But obviously, at the time I couldn’t have heeded any warnings as I was hyperfocussed.
Anyway this was a few notes for me to bring to an appointment. There are many more instances of ADD type behaviours I could give you, but this is already turning into a piece of evidence in itself, and I'm only still writing it to avoid doing the washing up and paying the phone bill.
Please keep me informed of progress on this referral
Many Thanks.
OuterSpaceMan quote here
Will try top keep updated, theres a lof of psychological stuff, not just ADHD related i'ver been trying to deal with over the last few years, will be discussing marriage, divorce, prolific drug use, and the quality of my erections amongst other fascinatinbg topics