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Hi all
Nov 10, 2019 3:49:36 GMT
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Post by jumprope85 on Nov 10, 2019 3:49:36 GMT
Hey, the name is Mike and I’m new here. I’m a 35yo and working in a responsible and sensitive government job. I am relatively highly functioning and have a lot of achievements to show for my career. On the one hand I’m widely viewed as being very good and I can kind of getting into this weird obsessive state where I just hyper focus on a project and give it 200% effort, often working Excessive hours like 75-80 hrs a week much to the detriment of my daughter.
Sadly thought I can choose when this hyper focus will happen.. it just happens at random. It could be work,, or I could obsess over a musician, or a book, of a genre of music etc,
On the flip side I didn’t 99% of my time procrastinating and fail to get my admin/paper work completed no matter how hard I try . Whe people talk to me, no matter how hard I try listen I find my mind wanders, I stare in to blank space thinking a kit my own issues and it’s so bad yeah seconds later I will realised I have absolutely no clue or recollection of what they were talking about. This causes I guess a type of forgetfulness which annoys work colleagues minor annoying but partner finds it infuriating and takes it as deliberate Disrespect as thought I don’t care what she had to say and can’t be bothered to listen whereas in reality I’m trying hard to listen but just can’t.
As if the problems it’s causing my personal life are bad enough, my unusual personality comes across as insensitive and I have a habit of accidentally blurting things out and talking over others in a rude manner.
It has been this way since I was well under 19.: which is probably why I have no friends. Sadly I’ve never been diagnosed and I am currently at I’m on a waiting list about a million years long to be assessed and I just don’t Have any money to pay for a private psychiatrist as all ml eh going ok my 2yo angel. My GP offers no help. I’ve no idea what to do and am at wits end. Just seems to be getting worse and worse and at this rate worrying I’m going to lose my job and my family .
So any that that’s meZz thought I’d join and see if I could find any support or tios
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adz04
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 32
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Post by adz04 on Nov 10, 2019 7:32:47 GMT
Hi mate,
That resonates with me alot.
I'm in the same boat and the wait is excruciating. Impatience isn't the right word to describe it.
I also work in a government organisation and I'm currently in trouble at work aswell. I've got a disciplinary this Tuesday for Gross misconduct, my wife is struggling with me and everything is going to shit. It literally affects my whole life.
It wont help, but you're not alone matey.
Adam
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Hi all
Nov 11, 2019 2:48:21 GMT
via mobile
Post by jumprope85 on Nov 11, 2019 2:48:21 GMT
Hey, thanks for the reply. I’m really sorry to hear about your experience but at the same time I’m relieved I’m not the only one. Back at the beginning of the year I had absolutely lost it with some random lab at work for no rewson it all. Fact is, I was rude and apathetic towards him and when he made an observation, which Wes correct with hindsight m, that my behaviour was out of order I guess I just flipped in a way that I haven’t since I was a kid: I didn’t physically assault hmm, but I was aggressive, shouted, threatened to assault gun and was generally acting like a 13yr old me.
There is absolutely no excuse of emu behaviour and the truth is the guy was a nice bloke, who had been working very hard through the night on w job and deserves much better.
To make matters worse i significantly outrank this chap and should be setting a much higher standard, like you I feel totally embarrassed and ashamed. I had been holding it together for so long and thought I finally had it conquered but I wed so wrong . Now decades worth of hard work, long hours, commendations and awards along with peoples respect i feel is now all worth nothing. I’m just that crazy guy l.
That all came at a time of exceptional stress for me as I had just been. undergoing training with a high prestigious and secretive agency for a job I had passed all other assessments for. I was there 17/8 hrs a day, sleeping in the training suite sofa and getting an hour or two sleep each day before starting all over again. When I failed the course ok the final day I think it was my breaking point. Scary thing is I don’t even remember it happening and if it wasn’t for the fact many of my friends saw it in not sure I would believe it happened. I’m terms of the local misconduct hearing, for better or worse I intend to just tell the truth about everything as I don’t see I have any other choice - I’ve never once lied to my employer and I don’t intend to start now. I’m just a frustrated and despondent that all my hard work and awards will count for nought and although I will keep my rank and I will even be able to be promoted again in future, my days working within specialisms completing high intensity and life at risk work sk now all over despite the fact it is what I love, what I excel at and what I’ve spent kcer a decade building myself a solid. reputation for profesiobskism, dedication and excellence. Now I’m be a below average desk worker who struggles to keep up with paperwork,
I think my only saving grace is that I went on record about my problems before the complaint was made and whilst I have no ADHD diagnoses I was however diagnosed with PTSD which had been getting progressively worse since age9 and I was honest about how shit I was feeling and how ashamed I am: I’m told mine has been assessed as misconduct but not gross so will be dealt with locally and losing my job isn’t a possible outcome.
Still, now I’m back at work after some time off I now feel ashamed to look work colleagues in the eye, I can tango my feel the sort of stigma, I know all my dreams of working in certain specialist area are now destroyed and I feel totally humiliated. I thought I had everything figured out but this baldness snd I have no what my future now is.
From a treatment perspective I know I need one of the adhd meds but until that time I’ve order some l-theamine, some taurine capsules, some caffeine capsules and some rhodiola to see if this sort of herbal stimulant combo helps at all,, if that fails I might try ordering some phenylpiracetam online which I’m told can be as effective as methylphenidate for some people with the differences that it’s legal to buy and use and that whilst it helps with energy, clarity and focus it doesn’t turn you into a hyper focused zombie. Apparently it doesn’t kill your appetite totally either.
I’ll let you know if either of these are helpful,
Otherwise I feel like I’m going to be in a position where I’m going to be having to take Ritalin,, Concerts or Adderall come whah may if you catch my drift but that Isjn’t remotely a position I want to be in you know, it may be that I have to just sell every single thing I own and fork out for the 1509+ assessment, diagnosis and treatment privately but this would be a living nightmare of its own.
I don’t what what will come next I just feel like this in soak me k fmixtjkn has cost me my dream job, has helped me to lose the love of my partner, lose the love of my family and has stopped me from making more than a few friendships and has cost me most of those few friends.
Now I’m no child and I’m not afraid to accept blame and I know that all of this is my own faint /it’s just that this god damned ADHD has made it so much easier to do and I hate it. At times it had given me the intense ultra hyper focus which made me one of the best in the business at what I do but now I feel like it’s taking it all away from me now.
My biggest fear is that my daughter either start seeing what a useless joke I am or worse still she inherits this crap from me.
It’s just such a lonely place to be in.. my few remaining friends don’t understand me and my partner is sick of hearing about it thinks I can simply cure it with positive thought and that I’m just using it as an excuse to not spend time with my daughter which isn’t fair because I’ve always put my little girl first and always will.
Has anyone had any counselling or psychotherapy for ADHD/ADD that might have learned some useful coping mechanisims or tips/tricks they could share to maybe help me and others l
Thank you to all who took the time to read this accidental essay. I would be keen to chat with you about your own experiences and maybe we can compare notes and find a way to better ourselves?
I just hate this curse. For all the good it has given me in my work life it has rruined my personal life, destroyed my confidence and sense of self worth and honestly between this, the Restless legs syndrome, my previous PTSD snd my severee OCD I just feel like I’m going psychotic.. I’ve just lost all direction and have no idea what I’m supposed to do anymore . The career I love is killing me slowly MH wise but I don’t know what else I would do and I’m anyway who else would want to employ a total nutter anyways..
If I could get adderall or Ritalin tomorrow i would in a flash because I need to do something and beat this thing somehow but it won’t happen. The waiting list is a lifetime and I’m not exactly the type of bloke to score illicit stimulants in the streets or to seek illegal drugs in general.. plus, anyone will smell the government on me in a flash so it wouldn’t work . I am getting desperate now thought I would seriously drop stacks for some medicine or give away my most prized positions like my Martin guitar. I just need to put my life back together as I’m sick of feeling and being this way and at the moment I just can’t see any kind of future for myself .
.. sorry for the brittania encyclopedia iof the life and troubles of JumpRope85.. I think I just needed that vent .. I have no one//nowhere to talk about this stuff with.
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adz04
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 32
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Hi all
Nov 13, 2019 0:32:29 GMT
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Post by adz04 on Nov 13, 2019 0:32:29 GMT
Hey mate, apologies for not replying sooner. I started replying before but got side tracked!
You seem to be having a mirror image of my current issues. It's not pretty buy I think secretly it's what keeps us type of people ticking. I crave the chaos but hate it at the same time. I cant explain it.
I had my first formal meeting today at work. I also acted aggressively and violently towards a colleague and I shouldn't have done it but I did and I have to deal with the consequences, sadly so does my family.
My 6 year old son is also showing strong signs of ADHD which have brought up by his teacher, and my motivation now is learning about myself so I can help my son have the help that I never had.
I found out about ADHD by default, as I have tourettes syndrome, and there's a strong Link with that and ADHD. At first I dismissed it however the more I read and the discovered, it was like I was I reading about my life.
Suddenly the fact I've never been in job without being sacked or had formal disciplinaries, or had a job where I haven't walked out on, made a little sense, My school reports also made sense, dropping out of college, my history with depression and anger, constant boredom and extreme fustration with life finally made sense!!!
I swear the epiphany of who I actually am is the best and worst thing that's ever happened to me. I say worst, because ever since my life has been in stand still and I can not move on until i have the official diagnosis and i can finally move forward. I'm drinking every day, trying to slow my thoughts and I'm teetering on the edge.
I hear you about self medicating, we need something. I personally have found modafinal to keep me almost level.It's not 100% effective for me but it helps me concentrate on what I need to concentrate on. I've just bought 100 pills of modafinil so hopefully that will keep me going until the diagnosis.
I'm sorry to ramble on about me when this post was about you, however I hope you are feeling OK! It's good to speak to people who truly understand what we go through every single day.
Adam
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