Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2012 23:44:21 GMT
Just found this part of the forum.. wonder whether it was there all along..
I think its time for me to make use of it even if it is just for a while. At the moment I am within a disturbing time of my ADHD.. My Head.. my feelings.
I am on meds since April 2011. I love them.. They give me this little bit more of how I would be really if I would not have ADHD.
I am on Strattera and Concerta. Concerta I do not take regular. This is maybe wrong. Not sure. I find both of them work great together. But if there are days when I am off work or dont have anything to do for Uni.. then I quiet often will only take the strattera as I found that when I stop it for a day or two I will get withdrawal syndroms.
I am also on Cytalopram for depression. I started takin them not long before my diagnosis. Got told to keep takin them and going how I feel just now I actually would rather put the dosis of the stuff up. Anything to drown out my feelings and the confusion which comes along with it.
I am away from home just now. Placement in Norway. Fantastic. I had wished for a placement abroad and I got it.. Very pleased. Away from the man who I have been together for nearly 10 years now. away from the problems we had in the last 2 years due to his changed behaviour. We had endless talks.. lots of tears from both of us.. I cant let go.. I so want to make this work as I dont even understand what is wrong as such.
Now that I am here its even worse.. I was hoping he would miss me and show me he misses me. He would send me a letter or something like that. We have contact per Facebook, but thats not that great. Every time when I write something nice or romantic he supposedly didnt read it, he doesnt turn up on the chat for a while and then says he doesnt know what I am speaking about.
I found myself slightly in the position that I actually think I dont miss him at all. Which would question why I should go back to him after this placement.
This is were i question my thinking, my feelings.. some part wants to move out away.. the other part is like thinking that I have some effin problem with nothing. I shall stay put..
Am I too easy touched? Shall I just harden and take what comes and stay with him? Take all his little side kicks like he did the last 2 years and then tells me he doesnt want to hurt me?
Dont get me wrong. He does not hit me.. He never would lift a finger against me. But he can have his little way of saying things which can go pretty deep and hurtful.. or he doesnt even have to say something. It is sometimes the things he does or not does.
I stop just now.. need a fag.. Feels good to write here actually.. Thank you..
|
|
|
Post by dizzydee on Feb 12, 2012 21:04:59 GMT
poor you but these are the kind of problems that face eveyone.... i think maybe you should suggest that you end things they say if you let it go and it returns then it is truly yours ....... far easier said than done i know
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2012 21:14:49 GMT
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2012 21:37:34 GMT
Thank u Dizzidee. xxx
@kameel.. its not the drugs.. I am taking them since a while. I am really at the wits end with the relationship but cant give myself the last push. Those days of depression are coming back again and again.. they do so since many many moons.. way before my meds. Its now a lot less then what it used to be. I do not go much after what it says what works together and what not. I listen to myself. But thank u for the link anyway. xx
Today as usually the world is a bit better, still with the problem hanging over me like a damocles sword.. I am also too far away from the problem meaning in miles.. as to be able to really sort something and go a step..
I have had a look into housing. All the time I am expecting him to get in touch with me over facebook.. he is online.. but he doesnt chat.. no pm.. nothing.. I was close to chat to him on facebook.. but why me all the time? Does he not have the desire to speak to me with many 1000 miles inbetween us? He still goes out and spends his money in Night clubs.. He does it since like 2 years.. he says its like a hobbie to him.. doesnt mean anything.. does it? not?
he took me out a few times for supper over the past year. I gotten a nice and useful Birthday gift. Christmas.. nothing.. he said he did not get into a shop... ?? He used to pay my hairdresser the last 2 years for christmas as a gift, since as a student I cant afford it.. This year.. not even the easy way out for him.. nothing.. he said: with me going away he would not have anything of it if he pays the hairdresser for me..
I passed my exam.. everybody congratulated me on FB.. but him.. first I thought he maybe doesnt know how to do it, as he is very very new to FB.. But then I found that he managed to comment on Pictures left on the FB page of his preferred Night club.
Why cant my rational side not just pack my stuff and go?? Why am I clinging to something what does no good to me?? Selfharm in the mental way?? Is this a ADHD thing? Or is this weak something me??
At least I am a bit more clearer today.. tomorrow a new week starts.. so I will be busy with my placement.. Oncology ward..
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2012 22:03:13 GMT
'Is this an ADHD thing?'
Might be, a bit. We have trouble engaging with mentally complex tasks sometimes, don't we? Ending a relationship is a big, complicated thing and could feel pretty daunting. We have trouble stopping things, too. We have low self-esteem and can be needy. We often dislike change and will opt for the somewhat uncomfortable status quo rather than invite the disruption of change.
But's only one factor, as we have discussed elsewhere recently (re schooling). It's fair to say that many of us have trouble ending a relationship when we probably should. I know I spent most of the twenty-five years I was married suggesting to my husband that we should probably split, and doing nothing about it. It's not a problem unique to ADHDers, though, and in the end....only someone on the inside of a relationship can understand whether its dysfunction is part of the deal.
I guess...as someone who could now easily list herself on facebook as 'it's complicated' and still be making a gross understatement, I'm just not qualified to offer any answers - just questions.
Does your life together make sense to you, even when it's hard?
Do you understand why he does what he does?
Here are some thoughts a friend gave me a while back....I thought they were incredibly wise:
"I used to have a very naive idea about love. I have realised that to love somebody you need to admire and respect them but you don't need to like them all the time. In fact I think it's entirely possible to dislike them quite a lot for quite a lot of the time and still love them.
And you have to be careful with this - in terms of people's abilities to understand it, I mean. So many people have told me to walk away, that he's too emotionally damaged to be able to make me happy, and that the dynamic of the relationship is destructive. And to be quite honest, if I hadn't ever known him and it was a friend telling me about a relationship that operated this way, I'd think she was a fool, I'd think that she didn't respect herself enough otherwise she wouldn't settle for such a lack of respect from somebody who professed to care about her.
But I also realise that I am not with him because I am weak, because I have low self-esteem, or because I let him walk all over me. I am none of those things - I am just unwilling or unable to give up on somebody who is such a heartbreaking mixture of challenges and vulnerabilities and who, despite his faults, makes me feel lucky to know him, and who needs me to be there for him and appreciates it and who, as much as he is able to be, would always be there for me too.
Sometimes our capacities for giving aren't equal.
Others might say we're excusing behaviour but I don't think so. There's a difference between excusing it and understanding it."
What she said made as much sense to me as it did to her, and it helped, at the time. It was good to know I wasn't the only person who lived with complexity in my relationships, and that it was ok to be involved in something that might not make sense to the rest of the world. As long as it makes sense to you, it doesn't need to.
Does it make sense to you?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2012 22:07:29 GMT
Thank u for your reply oooshiny.. (love ur nickname btw)
I will have to read over this again tomorrow.. and I possibly will have to read your answer another 10 times just to make sure I understand how its meant to be understood.. I will have to have another thought or two.. xxxxx
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2012 22:19:10 GMT
Ha ha! No hidden message - just a very long 'on the one hand...on the other hand....
|
|
|
Post by Mouse on Feb 13, 2012 14:00:20 GMT
"He used to pay my hairdresser the last 2 years for christmas as a gift, since as a student I cant afford it.. This year.. not even the easy way out for him.. nothing.. he said: with me going away he would not have anything of it if he pays the hairdresser for me.. "
Canesmum: Not the most thoughtful of things to say really.. Your Christmas present should be for your benefit alone and there not have to be anything in it for him! (Assuming I understood this statement correctly).
Oohshiny: Your post made a lot of sense.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2012 17:22:41 GMT
Yes Mouse, u understood this correctly..
I want to get in touch with him, but then I dont do it. Whats the point? I am thinking that when he wants to speak to me he knows very well how to use the facebook chat. So I think I sit him out. In my last letter which I wrote to him, I told him he shall make up his mind what he wants. Whether he wants me still in his live or not.
He hardly spoke to me in the last few days. In fact Friday was the last time we spoke over the chat. He is online and he has been online every day of the past ones and never gotten in touch.
I wait.. for once I wait!
|
|
|
Post by christvswarhol on Feb 14, 2012 14:59:04 GMT
I was going to say that unfortunately more on a prescription can sometimes mean more side effects
|
|
|
Post by Tequila on Feb 15, 2012 17:27:35 GMT
hi all, I have been reading but not written anything for ages and can't log in as i forgot how to. Anyway xx i read this and once again realise i am not alone in how i think and behave. I posted in the spouses and partners ages ago ( A big mess all over again) and thought i could maybe make someone here feel a bit better.. In the relationship i was caught up in at that point, I thought that i would NEVER move on or feel better or be able to function properly again....It is 2 years this March since he finally left .. that was about 3 years later than he should have... I am alive, happy and have met someone new. I am NEVER 9 well i hope not) making the same mistakes again.. IT has taken me to nearly 47 to work out ( sort of) what i am meant to do and in what order.. Some things are sooooo much better than ever before and some are just different.. But mostly it is me who is different. I am not nearly so needy and i am taking my time with big decisions like moving in 100%. My kids come first and that feels so good to me.. I honestly did NOT think i would ever stop hurting, going round in circles and never letting go. ( even though I didn;t want him back in mine or my childrenss lives..) I was still texting him, talking to him on the phone, meeting him and going round and round emotionally...In the end i got angry about whatever he was doing at that time that was screwing me up and i lost it and then he sent me a terrible text and i thought to myself NO more!!.. It just wore off xx I don't miss him, care or want to know what he is doing..I am relieved he is not in my life and the most shocked person about this is me!! All I have ever had are relationship problems, bad choices and abusive relationships xx This time i really think i might be doing it right?? xx I hope so xx So don't give up hoping, just give up the bad ones who dish out hurt and maybe like me, that will leave a space for a decent person to come in? xx
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2012 17:59:56 GMT
Good on ya, luvvy - and welcome back!
|
|