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Post by wiserabbit on Aug 7, 2014 13:18:44 GMT
We are about 18 months into our Adhd journey now - husband is under proper care finally, we are about to start joint relationship therapy within mental health. It's having its toll though. I've just been discharged from mental health, with the paraphrased statement of; "You are presenting clinical symptoms of GAD and depression because of extreme long term stress and your concerns and stresses are entirely legitimate and having a physical effect. Have you considered leaving your husband?" From a therapist thats a pretty severe statement!
I'm not planning to leave him - I am doing everything in my power to help him. The problem I'm having is that he won't seem to meet me half way. He's not engaging in any of the methods the private ADHD coach recommended, any suggestions I make are done once or twice and then ignored again. This is things like shared task lists that we each tick off, through to basic division of labour through to weekly planning meetings. He's just not doing them - even ticking a box on a sheet is too much effort, it would seem, which when you've reorganised your entire life to accomodate someone really hurts.
He says that he is trying and there is just a block he can't get past and I'm not sure what to do. How can I tell what is ADD and what is his own personality? The former deserves support and empathy and the latter derserves a kick up the backside! I see many posts on the forum from sufferers saying that the ADD individual needs to take responsibility and act but I just can't tell where the dividing line is!
I don't want to get angry if he geuinely can't help his behaviour, but equally, if this is not down to the condition I want to know so that I can become more confident in my requests for a little equality of effort.
How can I tell?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2014 14:14:46 GMT
You can't really draw lines like that.
If you're completely sure your request is reasonable then it's reasonable (remember that everyone overestimates their own reasonableness) - from that point it's a matter of finding what method works best.
In my case guilt works well - I hate letting someone down. But that's me - and deadlines don't work because I have too much experience of watching them whoosh by and living with the consequences.
When I had coaching finding something that 'pressed my buttons' was a major topic - once you find them it's just a matter of pressing them with a little sensitivity.
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Post by annie on Aug 7, 2014 20:07:48 GMT
Hi wiserabbit
Had a look through your earlier posts to see what kind of "ADHD journey" you've been through and if I've understood it correctly your last but one post suggested your husband was still having difficulty accessing a specialist ADHD Psychiatrist. In that post you mentioned being told there wasn't a psychologist in your area who had the level of expertise to prescribe medication. It would be unusual for a psychologist to prescribe meds and in most situations it would be a psychiatrist who would prescribe.
When you say your husband is finally under proper care, what exactly does that mean? Has he been assessed by a psychiatrist who has expertise in the assessment, dx and treatment of adults with ADHD and did that assessment conclude he had ADHD?
Nice recommends medication as the first line of treatment for adults with ADHD - has this been offered? Psychological support, be that on an individual or couple basis can be helpful but is normally provided alongside medication treatment. Sorry to ask all these questions but I'm a bit concerned you may not have arrived at that "proper care" yet.
The conclusion by your therapist who has discharged you is pretty unhelpful and should be taken with a pinch of salt - sounds more like the blame game (your husbands the problem) rather than a serious attempt to have joined up communication with your mental health service and the one attempting to deal with your husbands difficulties.
Good luck and hope you can find out whether or not your husband is receiving "proper care" as per the Nice guidance.
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Post by rampantrabbit on Aug 9, 2014 22:39:31 GMT
There is no line.
Some pills and some reflection can work wonders, though.
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SirWilliamKnickers
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If the law of energy conservation governs the universe, then are lazy people closer to god?
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Post by SirWilliamKnickers on Nov 21, 2014 20:15:41 GMT
You can't really draw lines like that. yes you can. i personally know when i am intentionally being a c*** and when its my ADHD. if we go around telling people "you cant draw a line between the condition and bad behaviour" well that's just as good as saying "people with ADHD are blameless of all their actions". that to me seems quite irresponsible. just because we have this interesting/annoying condition, does not give us carte blanche to behave like a dick to people. it may make us more inclined to this sort of action on a reactionary scale, but if we're told that that sort of abuse is acceptable and "just how it is" then what is the point of trying to better yourself if everyone around you lets you be a dick. would that not make you more inclined to dickish behaviour? does that line of thinking not lead to rationalising ones obvious antisocial flaws as acceptable? serious man, this feels like a dangerous thought.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2014 21:26:15 GMT
What's you and what's ADHD? We live with a combination of the two - sometimes I feel that the meds have evicted the ADHD, but that's not often (and the pharmacodynamics of meds mean it's never for long) so if I'm being an arse it might be that the ADHD is speaking, I am, or a combination of the two is (in a constantly variable %).
It's not condoning bad behaviour but my control over my behaviour is limited by the state of the parasite of ADHD living inside me.
Try telling someone with bipolar that their manic behaviour is wrong - they only have limited control - what's hyperactivity if not an ADHDer not in control of their own impulsiveness?
Deliberately being an arse is a different matter, ne c'est pas?
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spada
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Post by spada on Jan 22, 2015 16:50:18 GMT
I struggle with this too. I'm yet to understand what I can reasonably ask of my partner, as at the moment it feels like nothing. We set goals, but he stubbornly refuses to talk about anything remotely important, like bills or future plans or getting work. I've tried asking every way I can think of, gently, firmly, concerned matter, not-concerned matter. After weeks of trying to talk about one thing it usually just ends up with me in tears.
So I don't know - same as you. Where does the condition begin and end? How can I help him do the things that I've read and he's said are important - like getting enough sleep, having a routine, eating properly, when every time I try to encourage him to come to bed he gets annoyed that I've mentioned it. Is that the condition or his general personality?
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mcfairy
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Post by mcfairy on Jul 15, 2015 7:44:58 GMT
I think this is the constant unknown, for me it is. I have read Is it you, me or adult ADD by Gina Pera which was helpful and The ADHD Effects on marriage by Melissa Orlov, again quite insightful. I would have ideally liked my husband to have read them too and I have asked him to, but asking someone who has issues focusing on something where he just can't is a non starter. If I could find marriage guidance with experience and knowledge of ADD that would be great but I certainly couldn't go to marriage guidance if they were not qualified to be constructive for both of us. When I first read your post I got excited and thought wow, you found a therapist to help, but I could imagine if they were not fully aware of ADD and the affects on both individuals then the advise offered would be unfair. I hope you have found this ideal support, that would be great....and can I have there contact details
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taetaeds
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Post by taetaeds on Jul 15, 2015 8:46:57 GMT
Does your husband have a treatment plan? An ADHD coach isn't going to be very useful without a proper treatment plan laid out by a Psychiatrist.
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