Post by Sad JJ on Apr 28, 2015 0:49:17 GMT
Hello, I'm new to this and would really appreciate the advice of someone who has experienced this as I feel like my whole world is falling apart and I don't know what to do.
I have been with my partner for 12 years, we have a 4 year old son together. We also work together running our own bisiness which is very hard. When we first met I fell in love with him because he was different. As the years have gone by we have always had a difficult relationship, fraught with arguments and difficulties that have often stemmed from his sensitivity over stuff, from his difficulty with people, and all the other stuff related to ADD. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and tough times, he has hurt me a lot over the years with things he has done, his behaviour towards me etc but I have stood by him because I love him and I think we have something very special together sometimes.
I have always known there's something different about him, I have spent years wondering what it is, is he depressed, has he got aspergers or something similar. Friend and relatives have also asked and mentioned the same, people over the years have found him odd, difficult, rude, offensive etc, and I have always just put it down to him being a bit special and different. A few years ago a staff member of ours asked me if he had adult ADD, I'd never heard of it, but when I read about it, like I had other things, in desperation for an answer for his bizarre behaviour its was like reading a text book written about him, suddenly everything made sense, there was an answer to his and our difficulties, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Anyway, I spoke to him about this and it was met with absolute offence. However I pursued it and he eventually saw some similarities and went to see someone privately about it because we read that the NHS didn't recognise it and going through them would be a long hard process that we didn't have the strength for. Anyway the guy he went to see was pretty unhelpful, explained nothing really, said he could have it and wrote a prescription. This scared my partner off and he never took any medication and he wouldn't talk about it afterwards.
This was about 2.5 years ago. Since then our relationship has become very bad, our arguments are regular, his behaviour is more bizarre and he acts like he doesn't care about me or is at all, he is hurt by me suggesting he has mental illness, it seems to have deeply offended him and his self worth, and he has begun to see me as a total bitch who is trying to make out there's something wrong with him, like I'm calculating all this to make him look bad or feel bad. Which I'm not, I'm just trying to find some peace in our lives by understanding what he has.
About 6 months ago things came to a head again when he did something that really hurt me, in the past he has addictions to things, cannabis, porn, alcohol, and sometimes he dabbled in drugs that make his behaviour really bad. I found out he had gone on a drug binge with a friend and had nearly been unfaithful with a random woman. This nearly destroyed me. What was worse is that he blamed this on me, because our relationship is bad, and he was so so difficult to live with afterwards. Things calmed down but I asked him to seek professional advice for ADD again, I had read the book is it you me or adult add and it made so much sense to me that I wanted us to pursue help so that we could find ways to live with this. I wasn't persistent with medicationas the answer, I just wanted some expert help. Anyway he reluctantly agreed and after some months he finally got a referral for an appointment with our local psychologist. Since he went to that appointment he wouldn't discuss it with me or talk about it, when I pushed him to tell me what went on he exploded so I didn't ask. Today I found out that the guy he saw won't refer him to mauldsley hopsital which is where I wanted him to go for help as it sounds like the place in London tagg is set up to help. He said that the guy doesn't think e has ADD, that he thinks he could be an alcoholic though. He also told me the guy he saw thinks that ADD is over diagnosed and that he felt a lot of what he was seeing is people creating the conditions of these things based on what they read. Basically the professional dismissed it and my partner complied. The problem is is my partner doesn't think there is anything wrong with him, he thinks I'm making it up because I'm a spiteful bitch in his eyes. I'm really not, I'm so supportive to him, and I've stood by him through thick and thin, just in the past few years I've become sick of being a doormat, of doing everything and getting nothing but grief in return, so I've hardened and I can be quite harsh even when I know I'm not being nice. Anyway he said he won't pursue it any more, that he is sick of talking about him and maybe it's me with the issues. He said he is happy and if I can't live with the way he is the maybe we just aren't meant to be together. This destroys me, I want nothing else than to be a happy family but I can't cope with the way things are and BELEIVE he needs help, and we need help to get through this. I love him but I feel like unless he can accept this there is no future for us, I can't live with the constant stress I face being with him, and how this is negatively effecting our child. He won't talk to me about it anymore, he says I want to change him and is so offended by this he can't even be civil to me. Anyway after 12 years of struggle I am very sad to say I think we will be splitting up, which I don't want, so does anyone out have any advice, anything that can help, anything I could do to make him see sense, or any same experience with some words of wisdom to offer to make this awful experience any better? Thank you!
I have been with my partner for 12 years, we have a 4 year old son together. We also work together running our own bisiness which is very hard. When we first met I fell in love with him because he was different. As the years have gone by we have always had a difficult relationship, fraught with arguments and difficulties that have often stemmed from his sensitivity over stuff, from his difficulty with people, and all the other stuff related to ADD. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and tough times, he has hurt me a lot over the years with things he has done, his behaviour towards me etc but I have stood by him because I love him and I think we have something very special together sometimes.
I have always known there's something different about him, I have spent years wondering what it is, is he depressed, has he got aspergers or something similar. Friend and relatives have also asked and mentioned the same, people over the years have found him odd, difficult, rude, offensive etc, and I have always just put it down to him being a bit special and different. A few years ago a staff member of ours asked me if he had adult ADD, I'd never heard of it, but when I read about it, like I had other things, in desperation for an answer for his bizarre behaviour its was like reading a text book written about him, suddenly everything made sense, there was an answer to his and our difficulties, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Anyway, I spoke to him about this and it was met with absolute offence. However I pursued it and he eventually saw some similarities and went to see someone privately about it because we read that the NHS didn't recognise it and going through them would be a long hard process that we didn't have the strength for. Anyway the guy he went to see was pretty unhelpful, explained nothing really, said he could have it and wrote a prescription. This scared my partner off and he never took any medication and he wouldn't talk about it afterwards.
This was about 2.5 years ago. Since then our relationship has become very bad, our arguments are regular, his behaviour is more bizarre and he acts like he doesn't care about me or is at all, he is hurt by me suggesting he has mental illness, it seems to have deeply offended him and his self worth, and he has begun to see me as a total bitch who is trying to make out there's something wrong with him, like I'm calculating all this to make him look bad or feel bad. Which I'm not, I'm just trying to find some peace in our lives by understanding what he has.
About 6 months ago things came to a head again when he did something that really hurt me, in the past he has addictions to things, cannabis, porn, alcohol, and sometimes he dabbled in drugs that make his behaviour really bad. I found out he had gone on a drug binge with a friend and had nearly been unfaithful with a random woman. This nearly destroyed me. What was worse is that he blamed this on me, because our relationship is bad, and he was so so difficult to live with afterwards. Things calmed down but I asked him to seek professional advice for ADD again, I had read the book is it you me or adult add and it made so much sense to me that I wanted us to pursue help so that we could find ways to live with this. I wasn't persistent with medicationas the answer, I just wanted some expert help. Anyway he reluctantly agreed and after some months he finally got a referral for an appointment with our local psychologist. Since he went to that appointment he wouldn't discuss it with me or talk about it, when I pushed him to tell me what went on he exploded so I didn't ask. Today I found out that the guy he saw won't refer him to mauldsley hopsital which is where I wanted him to go for help as it sounds like the place in London tagg is set up to help. He said that the guy doesn't think e has ADD, that he thinks he could be an alcoholic though. He also told me the guy he saw thinks that ADD is over diagnosed and that he felt a lot of what he was seeing is people creating the conditions of these things based on what they read. Basically the professional dismissed it and my partner complied. The problem is is my partner doesn't think there is anything wrong with him, he thinks I'm making it up because I'm a spiteful bitch in his eyes. I'm really not, I'm so supportive to him, and I've stood by him through thick and thin, just in the past few years I've become sick of being a doormat, of doing everything and getting nothing but grief in return, so I've hardened and I can be quite harsh even when I know I'm not being nice. Anyway he said he won't pursue it any more, that he is sick of talking about him and maybe it's me with the issues. He said he is happy and if I can't live with the way he is the maybe we just aren't meant to be together. This destroys me, I want nothing else than to be a happy family but I can't cope with the way things are and BELEIVE he needs help, and we need help to get through this. I love him but I feel like unless he can accept this there is no future for us, I can't live with the constant stress I face being with him, and how this is negatively effecting our child. He won't talk to me about it anymore, he says I want to change him and is so offended by this he can't even be civil to me. Anyway after 12 years of struggle I am very sad to say I think we will be splitting up, which I don't want, so does anyone out have any advice, anything that can help, anything I could do to make him see sense, or any same experience with some words of wisdom to offer to make this awful experience any better? Thank you!