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Post by laurajade on May 4, 2015 17:00:09 GMT
I cannot handle this feeling anymore i try not too take it personal and understand but I feel as though he doesn't care at all anymore I can't tell and I don't no how to approach him about this. we can be fine one day and the next he will blank me as though I don't exist I am really worried as its seemed to get worse recently
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Post by supine on May 10, 2015 13:12:36 GMT
Hi Laurajade, I understand exactly how you feel, because my wife tells me this sort of thing all the time. From personal experience, the only advice I can give is on what not to do (as it's the kind of thing that doesn't work on me) and some possible things to try (because they do work on me). Take all this with a pinch of salt as this is just from my perspective 1. Don't try and make a big thing of it. If he ignores you, try ignoring him back (but not being horrible) - sometimes I need a longer time for my emotions to kick in (such as realising I haven't really spoken to my wife in any depth for a couple of days!) but when they do I realise what she must be feeling and try to turn things around. 2. Guilt trips don't work, it makes it worse 3. Try and engage him on a subject he is interested in and move on from there (a bit like a matador with a bull - distract and divert ) 4. Try and accept that this is something you either get used to, or grow to hate with a passion. If the latter then you might want to consider if this relationship is everything you want. For sure you are unlikely to change him in any significant way (any more than you could ask a one legged man to run; they could hop a bit faster perhaps with a bit of help). I know those all sound a bit trite, but it's a major issue for anyone in an ADHD relationship and something that shouldn't be ignored. I hope you find balance, good luck!
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Post by petra on May 10, 2015 14:54:52 GMT
I agree with supine - I don't know if being like that is a typical adhd trait, but I know I can be really ignorant - and when I get into an 'ignorant zone' I really can't help it. I don't always know why I do it...Sometimes it's because my head is full and I have no space for anyone else. Sometimes it's just the mood I'm in - I want to be completely alone. It really isn't personal to the person I'm being ignorant to. If I have an actual problem with someone I would communicate directly with them about it when I was ready. And if someone keeps trying to get my attention when I'm in an ignorant frame of mind, it just further irritates me and takes me longer to snap out of it. I'm best left alone. This is one of the reasons I love this forum - there's no pressure to talk - you can just come and go and I find this aspect deeply liberating. I can't bare to feel tied down. Don't know if this helps any! Edit- have just been looking the word ignorant up - I thought it could mean both to ignore someone or to lack knowledge. I'm not sure now! Anyway, in this post 'ignorant' means 'to be in a state of ignoring'!!
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Post by contrarymary on May 10, 2015 22:13:39 GMT
i think my brain zones out and needs downtime. and if i'm on my own that works fine. i have time "off" from human interaction in order to recover from the last lot of human interaction. and then i'm ready to roll again.
if i'm with someone for chunks of time, which in these single days means if i've got someone staying/am on holiday with someone etc, i still need chunks of time off from them. when i first see them it's full on chatting away, and then i need a break. once we've been together for a few hours i'll need another break and so on.
i'm not sure whether it's the "new and shiny equals attracts my attention" thing, or whether it is simply that i get tired being with other people and need solitude to recover. i wonder if a combo of both?
i used to be an extrovert - possibly without insight, possible often putting foot in mouth in a state of happy oblivion - but autoimmune neuro issues increased my sensory hypersensitivity, benzos fried my already poor working memory making conversations, even one-to-ones, tiring. and since i stopped smoking my brain slowed down (nicotine is a stimulant) and i'm even more easily fatigued.
so, long/short, i think it's an adhd trait. and if you were able to understand it as such maybe it would be easier to live alongside. it may be his brain having down time in order to be able to focus and pay attention more easily when he tunes back in.
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Post by petra on May 10, 2015 23:09:49 GMT
I've been giving this some thought today. For me, I used to have very poor boundaries which led to me being completely drained by people. I would just give time and energy without making sure I was ok. I don't find saying no to people easy at all - because then there's the guilt and self questioning. I seem to have missed out on developing these skills - I see others effortlessly putting boundaries up without any awkwardness either side. So I think I've learnt to ignore people as a self protection mechanism - I don't know how else to do it and I've learnt the painful way that looking after my mental health is top top priority.
When I ignore/shut someone out, it's certainly not because I don't care. It means for some reason or other I just don't have it in me to give attention at that time. I've also learnt that I function best like this - I give far more when it's given freely and not pulled from me.
It's taken a long time for my husband to realise I genuinely do need a lot of alone time. He used to take it personally and so feel hurt and insecure and put constant pressure on me. Our relationship is just so much better since he's properly understood this. But with other people in my life who don't 'get it' I no doubt seem rude and uncaring.
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mcfairy
Member's not posted much yet
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Post by mcfairy on Jul 13, 2015 15:21:01 GMT
Hi
I understand this, my partner goes through periods of this but I do understand its not personal. I tend to rely on friends and look forward to the times when he is back to engaging with me again. I find yoga and meditation helps me, but likewise when he is really intense he understands that I need my time to myself so it works both ways.
It's hard to feel ignored as you can feel lonely when your sat next to someone. I also find my partner is worse if he is going through something I am not aware of, money worries, stress at work, or just feeling low? It may be worth just saying 'I'm hear if you need me, but I will leave you b if you want space?'
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emotionally retared
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Post by emotionally retared on Sept 8, 2015 21:24:16 GMT
It's just shit...In a nutshell it's bollocks..I'm so sick of reading about its the non add or non adhd that has 2 make all the changes..listen..drugs,diet whatever path they choose is shit..It doesn't get better,you just get better at being treated like utter shit+becoming a full time carer watching your p's+q's fearful of tripping the switch..I've done everything 2 right things+trust me none of it works unless u want 2 b treated like a doormat..I hate it+I mean really hate it..why shld we be left emotionally retarded,lonely,abused..why can't they just try?why leave it all to the normal folk to sort?We have feelings too+abused lot more emotion..so don't listen to bollocks of oh it will work out if u try, shit get out..All its done to me is make me bitter,resentful+a total bitch..where as before I was bubbly,happy and had a sense of humour..advice for non add sposes..divorce..cause that's where it's going unless u like 2 lie there+play dead!!!!!!
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Post by petra on Sept 9, 2015 0:19:24 GMT
I don't know what to say. There are numerous times I've said to my husband, "nows your chance to get out of this - if I were in your shoes I would." But for him, even though I don't really see it, ..apparently he loves being married to me.
I guess the advantages have to outweigh the disadvantages. If you're getting nothing at all from the relationship, is it even a relationship?
Fwiw, I got out of my first marriage, in part, for not entirely different reasons to what you've stated here,
No one here is saying your wellbeing and sanity is not important. It is.
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Post by JJ on Sept 9, 2015 0:51:39 GMT
It's just shit...In a nutshell it's bollocks..I'm so sick of reading about its the non add or non adhd that has 2 make all the changes..listen..drugs,diet whatever path they choose is shit..It doesn't get better,you just get better at being treated like utter shit+becoming a full time carer watching your p's+q's fearful of tripping the switch..I've done everything 2 right things+trust me none of it works unless u want 2 b treated like a doormat..I hate it+I mean really hate it..why shld we be left emotionally retarded,lonely,abused..why can't they just try?why leave it all to the normal folk to sort?We have feelings too+abused lot more emotion..so don't listen to bollocks of oh it will work out if u try, shit get out..All its done to me is make me bitter,resentful+a total bitch..where as before I was bubbly,happy and had a sense of humour..advice for non add sposes..divorce..cause that's where it's going unless u like 2 lie there+play dead!!!!!! Why are you still in your relationship then? Why don't you just leave? What's stopping you? Why are you posting on an ADHD forum instead of living your life? Instead of blaming your partner for you being a "total bitch", look at why you're allowing someone to have so much control over you that you don't even like yourself anymore. Why are you accepting such shoddy treatment? Why don't you think you're worth more than this substandard behaviour? Why have you stayed so long under such appalling circumstances and yet have given your partner unconditional love regardless of their behaviour and without the same in return? Why are you not worth the same that you're giving? Are you giving too much? Are you trying to be validated by a relationship / any relationship / something or anything that can define you because you can't define yourself? I'm not minimising your feelings, they're valid and I'm sure you've got good reason to say everything you have. I feel for your upset and I'm also sure that your partner is an arse not worthy of your attentions. But I also suspect there's something about you / your expectations / past experiences that has made you accept something you shouldn't have for so long. I'm not saying this as a blame thing, but ultimately, you can't change someone else, but you can choose to walk away and not let them destroy you. ADHD can hinder good people from behaving how they would ideally like to behave all the time. But it doesn't translate into being an abuser - if you're with someone who abuses you, that's cos they're an abuser - if they've also got ADHD, that's incidental. ADHD makes stuff harder, but we get that, we try hard, we feel guilt and we try to improve all the time, we accept responsibility for things we know we've done wrong and we don't knowingly make our partners walk on egg shells. Yes, it's possible to have a partner with ADHD who does all that bad stuff, but that's cos it's the bad bit of them doing it, it's not the ADHD. We (the ADHD part of us) know when we're wrong, we don't make it your fault. You're right, if you're in that place then get out - get out for your mental wellbeing, don't hang around for some person who doesn't show you the respect and love you deserve. Just don't blame it on ADHD. We're not abusers. Abuse is more than that - just as those who stay in abusive relationships have more complex issues. It's all complex, but abuse and ADHD don't necessarily go hand in hand.
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Post by manson88 on Sept 9, 2015 6:18:24 GMT
Ok im in a similar situation.
I have a plan in place with time goals example dates set for action.
The truth is that the last 6 years have been crap tuff going. I have just waken up to the fact that I'm in control! Lol
So I have a plan in place and I feel positive about it cause if plan A doesn't work, well there's 25 others could! I'm in control!
Us adders have a neck of seeing things differently but sometimes we can't see it! We are great at putting up with things and trying to get a better result.
Example I was on strattera during the summer and I wasn't well. I kept at it thinking it would get better like the way It was when I first started taking it. But cause of the depression I was getting it tuff eating and sleeping a lot.
My orther half didn't even ask are you ok? Went on about crap in my ear about having no money - would like a holiday etc.
I had started counselling at the time for general support (1st July) . It came up that my work life balance, the support I have at work, my gp, my life style - keeping fit living well etc were all very good (very important structure for us with Adhd ).
Though my wife was & is making it hard for me. Always expecting more putting me under pressure and has done down the years . Doesn't get it that I can only cope with so much stress. Doesn't understand or grasp the fact that the condition changes from day to day. Doesn't get the fact we need structure for security!
She was asked two years ago to go for marriage counselling but she wouldn't go she's to proud.
I don't feel loved, cherished, respected, or important. I'm spose to be her best friend.
So I have had enough, done the research. I'm moving out. It's gonna be tuff cause of the benefits system I'm being penalised me as I don't work enough hours.
But the most important thing is that the support is there.
I would suggest to you get yourself into counselling service some were to work through the issues..
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Post by Foxtrot on Sept 9, 2015 21:56:07 GMT
It's just shit...In a nutshell it's bollocks..I'm so sick of reading about its the non add or non adhd that has 2 make all the changes..listen..drugs,diet whatever path they choose is shit..It doesn't get better,you just get better at being treated like utter shit+becoming a full time carer watching your p's+q's fearful of tripping the switch..I've done everything 2 right things+trust me none of it works unless u want 2 b treated like a doormat..I hate it+I mean really hate it..why shld we be left emotionally retarded,lonely,abused..why can't they just try?why leave it all to the normal folk to sort?We have feelings too+abused lot more emotion..so don't listen to bollocks of oh it will work out if u try, shit get out..All its done to me is make me bitter,resentful+a total bitch..where as before I was bubbly,happy and had a sense of humour..advice for non add sposes..divorce..cause that's where it's going unless u like 2 lie there+play dead!!!!!! Here's my contribution, the way you describe your relationship, it sounds pretty toxic. Whether you decide it's time to move on or time to do something like couples counselling, I don't know, but I do feel for you. With respect to ADHD and relationships in general, I completely disagree with the idea that it's not possible to have a loving and successful relationship where ADHD is present. My partner and I converted our civil partnership into a marriage this week after 13 years of being together. Our relationship is as strong today as it was when we first met. It helps that my partner is one of the kindest and most generous people I know. She gets frustrated on a daily basis with my ADHD. That's perfectly understandable, it frustrates the hell out of me too. She's made the effort to learn and understand and is my rock when it comes to keeping me organised and on track. In return I treat her to a weekend away or a meal out to say thank you for looking after me. She would also probably tell you that I look after her, anything DIY she's hopeless at, anything that involves applying logic, not her forte. I have ADHD but I have never been abusive in a relationship and I doubt the majority of people on this forum have either. He may have something other than ADHD going on or he may just be a tw@t?! In summary, I think you're looking for advice from the wrong kind of forum but I wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do. Edit: not a fan of some of your choice of words 'retarded', 'normal folk'. I appreciate your upset but still.....
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Post by contrarymary on Sept 10, 2015 23:42:07 GMT
hey manson88 really sorry to hear that you are separating, and hope that this transition time is a helpful one for you
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Post by manson88 on Sept 11, 2015 5:51:51 GMT
hey manson88 really sorry to hear that you are separating, and hope that this transition time is a helpful one for you Well let's look at the issues that cause us stress and then address them. That's all I have seemed to be doing for the last few years. Probably the biggest issue has been the marriage down the years. (cause & effect). Trying to live to orther people's expectations isn't easy. I don't regret getting married or having my children to whom I have them with. Cause some of it what I wanted at the time. I do think if I was treated differently and respected allowed to have some choices it could've been a whole lot more different. For better or worse. A part of me is annoyed that I didn't see what was going on. I can put it experience down to certain times and say to myself if I had been awake and seen that, maybe the outcome could've been different. Hindsight is a wonderful thing truthfully. I see my next chapter of my life as personal growth. I'm only 40 but I will be walking into it with my eyes fully opened and my hands ready to grab it. I'm striking out on my own, a flat my own pad. Yes there's going to be challenging times along the way with life, but that's what makes us. It's not what takes us down its how we get back up! I do have two beautiful children and I love them so much it's breaking my heart. It makes me cross that someone is going to fill there soft minds up that I was a bad dad and I walk away from them. I'm still going to be around 20mins drive away from where they live. Im planning on having a role with them in the future. I'm disappointed at myself for not being able to provide for them properly. It came up in one of the counselling sessions that the reason why marriages breaks down is not enough money or sex. My wife new what I was only a factory worker when I met her on a small wage . Was well aware I had dyslexia. But as life went on the pressures got bigger for me personally. I think things got a more difficult for me anyway. It's well documented that all relationships and marriages have their issues and challenges. Never mind having personal health challenges along the way. Such is life... Manson88
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Post by true on Sept 15, 2015 3:23:11 GMT
It saddens me to say this but the simple truth is ADHDers are not well suited to scenarios where any level of our freedom to express ourselves is removed. The slightest hint of it will often produce an overwhelming negative reaction. Most relationships. Most jobs. Reduced inhibition means our immediate environment will almost always feel our pain. For those of us who have become particularly adept at shielding those closest to us from the tantrums or the trauma of being ignored, we scorch our insides with that pain instead. Kind of a no win situation in some respects. Why are we like this? I don't know but what I do know is that some of us spend our lives in fear of being bored and placing caps on ourselves through committing to things does not help us, even though we may aspire to the stability commitment can bring. Some of us are now too afraid to enter into relationships because the havoc we appear to wreak is soul destroying to watch. I do believe there is someone for everyone though. Don't get lumbered with the wrong one. You can't help them. They can't help you. Move on
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2015 16:38:42 GMT
It saddens me to say this but the simple truth is ADHDers are not well suited to scenarios where any level of our freedom to express ourselves is removed. The slightest hint of it will often produce an overwhelming negative reaction. Most relationships. Most jobs. Reduced inhibition means our immediate environment will almost always feel our pain . For those of us who have become particularly adept at shielding those closest to us from the tantrums or the trauma of being ignored, we scorch our insides with that pain instead. Kind of a no win situation in some respects. Why are we like this? I don't know but what I do know is that some of us spend our lives in fear of being bored and placing caps on ourselves through committing to things does not help us, even though we may aspire to the stability commitment can bring. Some of us are now too afraid to enter into relationships because the havoc we appear to wreak is soul destroying to watch. I do believe there is someone for everyone though. Don't get lumbered with the wrong one. You can't help them. They can't help you. Move on To the bolded, I found transactional analysis to be a really helpful way of improving personal relationships. I don't feel I have found all the answers by any means but I think that if even one partner can approach a relationship looking for a win-win outcome, then it is possible to have respectful, meaningful relationships with differently-wired others. I think it's much easier if we start as we mean to go on though and I am so sorry, Manson, for what you've been through, and I admire you for the decision to cut your losses and move on. You deserve to be happy. After many years of resisting it, I found a short course of therapy really helpful for thinking about the way I relate to others, and I recommend it. I also love the little book "Counselling for Toads" and re-read it from time to time when I need to think a "people problem" through.
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Post by manson88 on Sept 18, 2015 20:56:12 GMT
Oh so many words, so much truth .
The truth is that I have been through a load of crap in last number of years is on real.
It troubles me that I feel as if I have failed in a lot of things in life education, marriage, jobs and now my children.
It's not that I will not do it or don't want to provide. It's the fact that there's a number of conditions affecting me from providing a decent living wage. That's the problem in our marriage.
I'm fed up hearing from my wife that we have no money to do anything. What are we going to do. I take it personally as a dad you like to be able to provide.
I'm not feeling respected for what I do earn . Feel as if I'm unloved and uncared for. I feel as if I'm not her best friend. Isolated to a certain amount.
It feels like I have spent the last 17 years trying to plase someone who is hard to satisfy. Always put me under pressure to try and do better earn/provide.
Yea ok there was good times there holidays and cars which I worked towards to provide.
I can now see how controlling this has been. My issues surfaced in 2010.(which were already there) It wasn't a case of how it was going to happen, it was when. 7 jobs in 8 years the anxiety at this stage was starting to get crippling.
It's went round in a circles and nothing resolved truthfully. It's just got to the point where it's an emotional drain. Anyone with mental health issues will tell you it's hard staying stable when there is someone bringing you down.
I'm now coming under pressure from my mother. She is looking me to move back to her place. I don't want to I need time on my own to be me?
If I go back to mums I'm gonna be under pressure. There be no day off....
Manson88
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Post by Babble on Sept 22, 2015 11:45:37 GMT
Some of us are now too afraid to enter into relationships because the havoc we appear to wreak is soul destroying to watch. Ouch. That struck a nerve.
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Post by Bigfatcat on Sept 26, 2015 13:31:10 GMT
I've just discovered this site and forum, and I can identify with the problems the person who started the post has, but I can also say as the wife of someone with ADHD the comments from people with ADHD are spot on. If you don't like those parts of the person you love who has ADHD find a way to manage that or you might as well split up now.
Makes very interesting reading g for me as I've seen \ heard \ listened to every one of those things being expressed, its not personal or about you, its who they are, we should chat as I totally get where you are coming from, but you sent going to get anything nice back from your partner the way you are going....
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Post by Bigfatcat on Sept 26, 2015 13:37:35 GMT
It's just shit...In a nutshell it's bollocks..I'm so sick of reading about its the non add or non adhd that has 2 make all the changes..listen..drugs,diet whatever path they choose is shit..It doesn't get better,you just get better at being treated like utter shit+becoming a full time carer watching your p's+q's fearful of tripping the switch..I've done everything 2 right things+trust me none of it works unless u want 2 b treated like a doormat..I hate it+I mean really hate it..why shld we be left emotionally retarded,lonely,abused..why can't they just try?why leave it all to the normal folk to sort?We have feelings too+abused lot more emotion..so don't listen to bollocks of oh it will work out if u try, shit get out..All its done to me is make me bitter,resentful+a total bitch..where as before I was bubbly,happy and had a sense of humour..advice for non add sposes..divorce..cause that's where it's going unless u like 2 lie there+play dead!!!!!! It was this post I was talking about, not the one about being ignored, I have the same thing and it can really get to me. the best thing is to give them some.time, don't try and molly coddle or they will probably give you an angry response, and do something nice for them, but understated like, let them do their thing, give them space, tidy up if mess bothers them.
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Post by contrarymary on Sept 26, 2015 14:11:38 GMT
dya know, i so wish i'd known all this stuff years ago. as well as being able to know more in my own life, and perhaps handling life, work and relationships very very differently (or at least having insight and thus choices) i would have been so much better at parenting my poor daughter, who has inattentive adhd through her like a stick of rock
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