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Post by chaoticwitch on May 30, 2015 11:07:46 GMT
I thought I would start something on here, somewhere that I can put express myself when I can't say it out loud, or when I am on my own and there is no one to listen to me waffle on. I have stupidly offered to take one of my clients to visit an old neighbour at her animal sanctuary. My client is a lovely elderly lady who's family isn't local and who doesn't get out much. But now I am a couple of hours away from picking her up and taking her and I am wondering what the hell I was thinking. I have never spent any time with the client, I clean for her and help her husband out in his garden a bit but not to spend any length of time, I don't really know them that well. I don't feel I can let her down but I'm already feeling edgy and uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel like I am over friendly with people, this is what gets me into situations like this. Who offers to take a client out for a day out? so what am I doing? I am sat in my nest (bed) flicking between pages on the internet and trying to improve my member status on here! Still at least I am over half way there now
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Post by chaoticwitch on May 30, 2015 12:24:56 GMT
Well I sat here all morning not wanting to do what I know I had to do. Then with a rush of inevitability I jumped off the bed got ready, went downstairs and headed out the door. Only to realise I was about to leave half an hour early! So know I'm back in my room on the internet watching the minutes tick by again with that feeling of dread
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taetaeds
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 37
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Post by taetaeds on May 30, 2015 15:45:10 GMT
Hey confinedchaos, did you go? You were acting on impulse when you offered to take her out right? That's okay, this is a chance to get to know your client better. I hope you had a good time and it didn't drag too much. We are definitely a group of emotional people, so I'm not surprised to hear that you are over friendly, but people will like that about you.
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Post by chaoticwitch on May 30, 2015 16:33:18 GMT
I did go and it was good. The animal sanctuary turns out to be a little bit of heaven, just up the road from where I live. We had a lovely time and it went very quickly. I think the problem is that I get wound up with anxiety and just can't switch it off. It is good for me to get out of my comfort zone occasionally and if I didn't have the client depending on me, I wouldn't have pushed through and gone. So I guess my client helped me as much as I helped her. I do agree with you taetaeds, that being over friendly is something that people like about me, but it isn't always the case. There have been many times when I have been pulled up for being too friendly with people. I worked for a time in emergency housing for vulnerable women and I would often go beyond my job to help the women out. I was told it was inappropriate and that I wasn't letting them (some of them quite young, confused women) help themselves. I find it really hard to judge the level of acceptable friendship and I wonder how common this is.
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taetaeds
Member's not posted much yet
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Post by taetaeds on May 30, 2015 17:38:54 GMT
I did go and it was good. The animal sanctuary turns out to be a little bit of heaven, just up the road from where I live. We had a lovely time and it went very quickly. I think the problem is that I get wound up with anxiety and just can't switch it off. It is good for me to get out of my comfort zone occasionally and if I didn't have the client depending on me, I wouldn't have pushed through and gone. So I guess my client helped me as much as I helped her. I do agree with you taetaeds, that being over friendly is something that people like about me, but it isn't always the case. There have been many times when I have been pulled up for being too friendly with people. I worked for a time in emergency housing for vulnerable women and I would often go beyond my job to help the women out. I was told it was inappropriate and that I wasn't letting them (some of them quite young, confused women) help themselves. I find it really hard to judge the level of acceptable friendship and I wonder how common this is. I'm glad to hear it was nice, anxiety only exacerbates the impulsiveness of our disorder I find, it makes you more prone to wanting to do something else, or stop what you're doing. I too find this difficult with switching off and often constantly think about doing something else and often don't think certain activities engaging enough and thus become disassociated with it. I've worked in healthcare previously and often went out of my way to help patients I felt fore often when I shouldn't so I can understand the feeling of bending-over backwards for people when it's often inappropriate. Whenever you are told you are too friendly I just think to myself "Yeah well if everyone was as friendly as I am the world would be a much better place". The acceptable level of friendship in this life is only set because of social expectations. Take great pride that you've been told you are over friendly because those people who appreciate that will take that friendship and pass it on.
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Post by chaoticwitch on May 30, 2015 19:38:23 GMT
Whenever you are told you are too friendly I just think to myself "Yeah well if everyone was as friendly as I am the world would be a much better place". Thank you for that taetaeds, it's a good way to think. Sometimes it just tires me out just concentrating on being appropriately friendly. I shall just be me.
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Post by blondelobotomy on May 30, 2015 22:33:46 GMT
I too am over friendly!! Taxi drivers, people at the bus stop, you name it, I'll chat to them!! Mostly people are friendly and chat back, but sometimes people just look at me like I'm a crazy lady. I hear ya chaos......just be you. We are friendly people and I for one would rather be "over friendly" and smiley than a miserable bugger lol x
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Post by chaoticwitch on May 30, 2015 23:39:50 GMT
Well here's to another night sat up in my nest unable to sleep! And now I have to make a choice between internet tv or this forum, my stupid internet won't let me have both I have to be up in the morning for my brother so we can go pick up my daughter from Uni. He can be such a grump with me when I "test his patience" with my flakiness. I do love my family, what little there is of it left, but sometimes being treated like I'm useless or stupid really gets on my goat. On the plus side, low expectations from the family meant I didn't fall far
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Post by chaoticwitch on May 31, 2015 15:30:51 GMT
I feel quite drained. I only had a few things on my list but they have pushed me outside my comfort zone. But I did succeed. I have brought my daughter and all her belongings back from Cardiff. I didn't upset my brother on the journey and he was actually late this morning picking me up and I was ready when he got here. I even managed to get the laundry done, this is definitely a step up. Usually I remember just before I'm going to bed on Sunday night and have to sit up and wait for the washing to finish. This week I have to have a meeting with my housing association, they took me to court recently for non-payment of rent (rent was sorted out before I had to go to court but they said to save me anymore anxiety I should just let the court hearing ride and that would be it). I have now been charged £250 in court costs and they are going to justify why I should pay this when it was their idea not to cancel the court hearing!!!! The last time I had a meeting with this guy I had a panic attack and he couldn't handle it, he didn't know what to do and was making it much worse. This time I have arranged to meet him with a support worker from the mental health team, hopefully it will go better. I don't understand why people in these kind of jobs aren't given some kind of advice about working with clients with "issues" If my issues were physical I'm sure they would be far more understanding. It is really frustrating and I feel awful afterwards when I'm explaining that I had a panic attack.
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Post by contrarymary on May 31, 2015 17:18:37 GMT
Strangely, most people don't have a clue about working with people with physical "issues" either, and those in the caring professions can be amongst the least compassionate and understanding. i've witnessed people sighing when somebody stated their needs, grabbing hold of a man's wheelchair to move him "because he was in the way", grasping the arm of a completely blind man and propelling him forwards... most organisations routinely to provide any sort of reasonable adjustments, or expect that one size fits all - "wheelchairs sit there" - or think that having an accessible toilet, a ramp and a hearing loop (whether or not it's working) means they don't need to do anything else. does my head in
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 3, 2015 22:28:28 GMT
Today I am feeling particularly frustrated. I had an appointment with someone from my housing association, he won't see me on his own, possibly because last time he turned up on my door and demanded to come in to speak to me, I had a panic attack and he didn't know what to do. So I have had to wait a while to get an appointment with a lovely lady who works with the mental health team to protect him from my possible panic attack!
So anyway, I have been fretting about this appointment, and since Monday I have hardly slept. Today the f**kin ......... has cancelled the appointment, through the lady from the mental health team.
I have no idea why and neither does she. Last time he did this to me, I ended up being taken to court for non-payment of rent (on his suggestion) and now have £250 in court costs to pay!
I have spent a lot of time finding strategies to cope with my impulsive anger and some of it I believe has led to increased anxiety, but right now I don't think it's me having a panic attack that he should be worrying about.
I feel so angry right now, I'm sat here in my nest, really wired and what I would love to do is shout and curse and scream, but I think my neighbour would have a heart attack.
Perhaps a walk round the block with the poochies, they'll think it's christmas, getting an extra walk.
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 3, 2015 23:43:31 GMT
I left school with little more than a wave from the teachers and a sigh of relief from me.
Since then I have:
Diploma in shorthand and touch typing
3 As levels in preparation for teacher training
1 A level in English lit and language
diploma in holistic massage, including a diploma in physiology and anatomy
diploma in indian head massage
diploma in baby massage instruction
diploma in hand reflexology
started a diploma in Aromatherapy twice but never completed either
NVQ level 1 - horticulture
NVQ level 1 & 2 - motor mechanics
Level 3 counselling course
Diploma in counselling, completed course, assignments and 150 hours counselling work placement and then never handed it in!
PTLLS - teaching qualification
Hmm, what shall I try next?
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 3, 2015 23:56:30 GMT
Haha, came on here to write something and between thinking about it and finding my thread I have completely forgotten what it was
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Post by manson88 on Jun 4, 2015 6:58:14 GMT
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 4, 2015 8:04:28 GMT
Thanks, that's not how a lot of people see it. My whole life I have been told to stop wasting my time and grow up!
I do love learning though, well at least until it gets boring!
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 4, 2015 12:03:42 GMT
I have lived at my present address now for over 10 years and have always dreamed of turning my messy garden into a little sanctuary for me, but lack of funds has stopped it for a long time. This year I was determined to make something of my garden on a budget, so I went online and researched the possibilities. I came up with a plan, got a friend involved for support and motivation and ploughed into the garden makeover. So today I had an unexpected free day due to my appointment being cancelled so I thought I could take the opportunity to get on with it. A friend has given me a couple of loungers and a garden umbrella so I went and picked those up this morning. I have also been given some strawberry plants so I have potted them up and I'm looking forward to juicy strawberries soon. Trouble is, I came in two hours ago to have a look at how to make fencing and furniture out of old pallets (of which I now have many scattered around my garden!) and so far have saved loads of pages to look at later, been on facebook for a while and spent the rest of the time browsing around on here. Oh and also been looking up homemade shampoo recipes Hope my friend turns up soon, it's so much easier to stay on task when I have someone around.
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taetaeds
Member's not posted much yet
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Post by taetaeds on Jun 6, 2015 7:25:46 GMT
Thanks, that's not how a lot of people see it. My whole life I have been told to stop wasting my time and grow up! I do love learning though, well at least until it gets boring! This is a major problem we hear all too often, that we should grow up, that somehow ADHD is a moral failing and that we choose to not do things, to not remember things, to drift mentally every half a second. More needs to be done by educating people about the science of the disorder on a big scale. Maybe schools would be a good idea. I've pondered the possibility of setting up a charity for this purpose, to educate people on ADHD with the information coming from the sufferers themselves. Honestly I'm not sure how charities work and what that would entail. But it's something I'm thinking about a lot and probably will research more into the idea later this year. You don't need to grow up confinedchaos, and you're not wasting your own time, you've amassed a lot of qualifications and that's really good.
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 7, 2015 14:48:09 GMT
Thanks taetaeds, I don't tend to take it to heart when people tell me I need to grow up and stop wasting my time. So far I have used most of my qualifications, maybe not to earn money but certainly to help other people out. I do a lot of massage for some of my older clients, i also do a bit of gardening for them and when my car breaks down, I know how to fix it. So not bad really. The thing that I really can't believe I chose to do was counselling! Imagine trying to sit for an hour and concentrate on just on person talking and not interrupting them . It was something I did because I wanted to work with vulnerable women and children, I was hoping to get some funding and open a retreat where vulnerable women and their children could come and get some counselling, massage and help with their lives. I was waiting to hear back from a local trust that had a farm on dartmoor that was looking for a new use and as I had done the level 2 & 3 in counselling and enjoyed it, I thought it would be good to continue. I got a lot out of the course but after 150 hours of counselling as a trainee I realised that I was not patient enough or tolerant of some of the people I was seeing. I loved learning about Gestalt technics and Transactional analysis and I was great at noting how different clients fitted into the different theories but I didn't feel like I was giving the clients what they needed so decided not to take it any further. I love learning, just would like to retain a little more of the information that goes in!
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taetaeds
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 37
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Post by taetaeds on Jun 8, 2015 9:21:26 GMT
Thanks taetaeds, I don't tend to take it to heart when people tell me I need to grow up and stop wasting my time. So far I have used most of my qualifications, maybe not to earn money but certainly to help other people out. I do a lot of massage for some of my older clients, i also do a bit of gardening for them and when my car breaks down, I know how to fix it. So not bad really. The thing that I really can't believe I chose to do was counselling! Imagine trying to sit for an hour and concentrate on just on person talking and not interrupting them . It was something I did because I wanted to work with vulnerable women and children, I was hoping to get some funding and open a retreat where vulnerable women and their children could come and get some counselling, massage and help with their lives. I was waiting to hear back from a local trust that had a farm on dartmoor that was looking for a new use and as I had done the level 2 & 3 in counselling and enjoyed it, I thought it would be good to continue. I got a lot out of the course but after 150 hours of counselling as a trainee I realised that I was not patient enough or tolerant of some of the people I was seeing. I loved learning about Gestalt technics and Transactional analysis and I was great at noting how different clients fitted into the different theories but I didn't feel like I was giving the clients what they needed so decided not to take it any further. I love learning, just would like to retain a little more of the information that goes in! I feel the same about learning things. I like to learn about them but them I find I don't find putting it into practice interesting at all.
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 9, 2015 23:58:52 GMT
Need to have a bit of a ramble tonight (this morning!!), I have two dogs and they have been a huge support for me over the years, when my anxiety has been really bad in the past, they have got me out of the house, I can take them somewhere quiet and walk them for hours. At home they are the keepers of my secrets (until I found this site, they heard "What I don't say out loud"). But a few months ago I noticed one of my dogs was limping quite frequently and was having trouble getting up after laying down for a while. I don't earn much money but managed to get some help from the RSPCA to get him to a vet where I was told he had arthritis. I have bought him a magnetic collar, and I now give him massages regularly, which he loves, but he is also on painkillers which are crazy expensive. I live in a town built on seven hills and I have been told that my dog now needs to only walk on the flat! He is even having difficulty getting in and out of the car. I am feeling really frustrated, I don't know what to do for the best for him, when we go out all he wants to do is run around, but if he does that he is limping for the rest of the day. Since I have had to take him to the vets (which is in the pet shop I buy most of their food and products from), I have had panic attacks in there two of the three times I have been in there so I am quite anxious about going in there now. The vet staff don't really know what to do, one day I had to walk out of the store, I was supposed to be picking up Kaos after his operation but had to go and sit in my car. Some of the staff came out looking for me and I finally went back in to get my dog! I might have to go to a different vet!
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 11, 2015 19:37:51 GMT
I am feeling completely confused today and I am wondering exactly who knows what in the healthcare anymore. This morning after yet another terrible nights sleep, and even more feelings over being overwhelmed I called my doctor to get an appointment to discuss this. I was given a phone call instead of an appointment which is always off-putting as I am always nervous about answering phone calls from private or unknown numbers. I wanted some advice about my medication, I am currently taking flouroxetine I'm supposed to take two a day but that can make it hard to sleep so I tend to stick to one a day (unless I forget I've taken it!) I had been prescribed Concerta XL and had taken it for a while, can't remember how long, but due to doubts which I may have mentioned before I stopped taking it. I started to find things difficult and was given the flouroxetine and referred to the ADHD clinic. Because I am feeling overwhelmed and confused I really don't feel I know what is best for me and was hoping my doctor could help with this. When I asked she said "you do have ADHD, you've had a diagnosis, haven't you?" This isn't a good start. I explain again, that I was seen by a trainee psychologist about 4 years ago during another of my trips to Waverly, the local mental health team and that she had filled out a questionaire and did a history take after which she told me that she believed I had ADHD. My support worker then met with me and Waverly's resident psychiatrist who prescribed me Concerta. The whole thing got really confusing when she started advising me on the best way to pay for my prescriptions and I ended up with no idea what I should be doing, regarding my medication, and even more confused than I was before. I then spent the rest of the day trying to get through to the ADHD clinic with no luck. I do know that Waverly can't help me as they don't deal with Autism or ADHD, but they have booked me in for an appointment next month. I know there is still about 2 months before I'm likely to hear about an appointment from the ADHD clinic. And I can only talk to my Doctor over the phone, and she doesn't even know what's happening! Grrrr
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 12, 2015 15:12:37 GMT
Yet another night with hardly any sleep I did get a prescription for some sleeping tablets but my son was out so I couldn't get to the chemist. Today has been hard work, it's really humid and we've had 3 full cleans today. Driving home I felt like I may fall asleep if there was a traffic jam, but you can bet your life, in a couple of hours I won't be able to sleep again! I did get a call back from the clinic in Exeter and they are going to see if they can see me a little earlier, I really hope it is soon as I feel a bit like I'm treading water and about to drown. I am so grateful for my family and friends, without them I don't know how I would have kept going over the last couple of years. I really want an answer to me? I want to make sense of who I am and finally start working on a better me. Getting an answer will help me accept me and as Carl Rogers states; "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 14, 2015 17:08:50 GMT
I'll apologise now to anybody who thought they might like to read this.
Today I am feeling very sorry for myself and I just wanted to express it somewhere.
I am 49 years old, I have one friend who has a family and life of her own. I've never been good at making friends, throughout my school life I was bullied and the only way I stopped the bullying was by becoming a lacky for the bullies.
Social situations have always been a problem for me and I try to avoid them as much as possible. This has meant I don't have much of a social life, most of the time I can handle that, but sometimes, like today it is horrible.
On bad days I don't have anybody to talk to, all the feelings just get bottled up inside. Right now I feel so lonely, I have been sat alone in my house for the last two days, pathetically too anxious to go out of the door and face the outside world. I haven't even eaten because I forgot to go to the shop with my friend on Friday and there's nothing in the house.
Today I hate my life, I hate ADHD and I hate that no one helped me when I was younger. When I was a child I was wild and uncontrollable, someone who made up stories and lied all the time, someone who stole things and was always getting in trouble. My parents didn't know what to do with me and by the time I was a teenager they had pretty much given up on their wayward daughter who slept around, got drunk and took drugs.
I am sick of saying the wrong thing in the wrong tone, of alienating people. I have had enough of being the flakey one, of the depression and the anxiety.
There are some days when I just wish I had never been born, I feel like a stupid waste of space and really wish it could all be over.
I know tomorrow I may feel different, I know that if it's not tomorrow, that one day soon I will feel better, but I am just so fed up with the days of feeling like this.
Well I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, my son will be from his dad's soon and I can't let him see me in this pathetic state.
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 14, 2015 21:51:02 GMT
Well that was lucky! I took the plunge and called my friend, I hate talking to people when I am feeling low (hate feeling shite in front of others) but I knew I had to do something. My son had come in said hello and immediately disappeared to his room. A sure sign I wasn't hiding my state of mind very well. I pulled myself out of my pit (usually known as my nest, until I feel low) and made it over. What a relief, just the tonic I needed. What she does is amazing, she helps me to laugh at this stupid ADHD brain. Trouble is, I've just discovered that a week ago, I promised to pick my daughter up after her festival in the early hours of this morning. Best is she phoned me and talked about it this morning and I had completely forgotten! Luckily, this revelation occurred before I took a sleeping tablet! Now I have 4 hours to kill, not enough time to go to sleep, even though, for the first time in weeks I'm actually feeling tired at a reasonable hour
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Post by contrarymary on Jun 14, 2015 21:59:58 GMT
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 15, 2015 0:27:57 GMT
Thanks contrarymary. Turns out my daughter's coach got in much earlier than expected so I was back home before 12.30. Unfortunately, just before leaving I was reminded by my son that there was no food in the house. And I remembered that I hadn't eaten yet today. Living down here means not many options for food at midnight. But I did have something to make a quality smoothie. So home I come to make the smoothie, but realise that I need to wash up the blender. Half an hour later I have done the huge pile of washing up on the side, but now I notice the worktop is dirty, I go to get some cleaner, but have none prepared. Just takes another 20 minutes to make some cleaner and clean the side. What was it I was going to do.........? Oh yeah, so over an hour later I'm sat on my sofa with a delicious smoothie, prattling on, on here. But did just notice that I'm almost at a member status change, so excited no sleep for the obsessed.
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 15, 2015 0:33:57 GMT
I've only gone and changed it!
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 17, 2015 15:59:44 GMT
I have had a very difficult few days, can't really remember how many, lack of sleep is doing me in!!!
There are things that are happening around me at the moment that are really affecting my mental state. I have been forgetting so many things that everybody I'm around is noticing. I am having panic attacks and having to leave work, being self-employed that means I earn no money.
I have no idea who to talk to. It is a very sensitive subject and although I know my close friend would be there for me it would not be right to share it in that way.
My head is spinning even faster than normal, hence the increased forgetfulness and no sleep.
It is also bringing up some pretty shitty stuff from my past which I can feel trapped inside me in my chest.
How close to the edge do you have to be, before someone stops, notices and listens to you?
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 17, 2015 16:00:42 GMT
On the upside, that was my 100 post so I have now changed member status, go me
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 17, 2015 16:11:49 GMT
Hmm, was just wondering if there could be a member status, 'member doesn't shut up' Just for fun, obvs
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