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Post by contrarymary on Jun 17, 2015 20:19:43 GMT
i was about to post you a hug, and then i thought that i'd be sitting here reading, dropping in to pass on a wordless hug and then disappearing, over and over, like some largely benevolent Watcher... ah sod it ((( chaoticwitch)))
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 22, 2015 9:49:09 GMT
Well wouldn't you just know it, yesterday I was posting on the positive thread about how I was ready for work this morning, went to bed at a reasonable hour had a non-medication sleep and woke up early. Had a shower got ready for work, put all my stuff by the door ready to load into the car, got out my keys, put them in the door....................... and that's as far as I got, the thought of going outside even though it was just to the car, I couldn't do it! It's at times like this that I feel so alone, I really don't know what to do, my only close friend is 7 miles away without transport (and to be fair she already does so much for me). My family are at work, my doctor is on holiday, the local mental health team took me off their books when they referred me to the ADHD clinic, they did book me an appointment to see them but that isn't until July and until I have had that there is nothing they can do! And the ADHD is an answering service only it would seem. I have left a couple of messages but not heard back. Where do you go when it feels like gravity has got so heavy you're stuck to the floor unable to move? Looks like another anti-depressant and a beta blocker or two will have to do Hopefully I'll get out for my other job today, otherwise I'll earn nothing to buy tea. Sometimes it feels like sh*t starts early.
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 22, 2015 23:32:22 GMT
On here again when I should be asleep!
I took the second anti-depressant and the beta blockers this morning, then I got a phone call from the ADHD clinic offering me an appointment this Friday, THIS FRIDAY!
So my head has taken over, all day it has been running from thought to thought, never quite getting the thought properly before running off on the next tangent. I sometimes think of my head as full of a tangled ball of wool. I keep pulling on a thread trying to find an end but come up against a knot so grab another thread until I'm sat there completely tangled up in the wool.
I flaked on work today not being able to get out of the door makes it hard for business but after the call all I wanted was for it to be Friday. Well Thursday first so I can look at my childhood records but I'm sure many know what I mean. But instead I have 3 days to fit 5 days work in and I really can't afford not to work.
Tonight every time I lay down my foots tapping, or I'm tapping on the headboard or my own head. I can't keep still or get comfortable, I can't even keep my eyes closed.
I have been bumping up and down all day coasting on different emotions. Excitement at finally getting an appointment, impatience due to having to wait a whole 3 more days, worry that I've not checked my mot on my car, or even know where it is to check it and I've got a 60 mile round trip. I"m scared that I will not be able to explain myself properly, I always feel like I am not being understood and then there's the fear that after all this time, they might send me away again and I'll be back at square one trying to work out what the f**ks going on with my brain.
Still I must try to get some sleep, so it's back to the sleeping pills, I really would like to take less tablets, my drawer is like a mini pharmacy!
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 23, 2015 19:10:16 GMT
During my rather sleepless night last night I had some thoughts about coping with my work situation. And the possibility that things could get worse before they get better whilst getting any medication right.
I came to the conclusion that if I told my clients what was happening then at least they might understand. So today I have been sharing quite a lot about ADHD and it has been quite a relief to be able to say it out loud. And to finally not have to make excuses for any flakiness they may experience from me has felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders. All the clients I have spoken to have been very supportive and have told us they would rather deal with my flakiness than get someone else in. One couple we clean for said that they felt like we were family and they couldn't imagine not seeing us again.
It felt so good to get such support and I felt really proud that the work we do is good enough to keep our clients even through the tough times.
So looking forward to Friday, just would like to get some proper sleep before then!
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 25, 2015 8:40:10 GMT
Off to the doctors very shortly to see my childhood medical records ready for my appointment tomorrow. So I suppose I should get off of here and get myself dressed!!!
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 26, 2015 14:08:51 GMT
Hmm, well that was............
I'm not sure I know how to describe it.
The doctor told me that I had, had a diagnosis in 2010, but it was done the year before the system went onto computers so he said that all he could do was presume that I had an official diagnosis!
Really, with all the time they've had, they couldn't have just contacted the local services and asked them? (still I have an appointment with them next week, I'll just ask them myself).
He then asked me if taking the medication had worked previously, I explained that yes it had worked in some respects but that I struggled with the evening crash that I was having and that it wasn't helping with other things.
I also told him I wanted to understand more about what behaviours are down to ADHD as I wanted to understand myself more.
His response was "I can tell you what ADHD symptoms are, it is attention deficit, so it's about lacking concentration".
No sh*t sherlock!!! And that's the official word from the specialist at the clinic.
So he wrote me a prescription for the Concerta XL that I was on previously and told me I would need to come back in 3 weeks to see the specialist nurse to check the meds and dosage.
Maybe I'm just overthinking it, but I was expecting something a little more useful. Some discussion about options or help and advice but I was out of there within half an hour
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Post by contrarymary on Jun 26, 2015 17:32:31 GMT
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 27, 2015 6:34:42 GMT
you are quite right, there is always another view I guess I was feeling a little deflated when I got back from Exeter yesterday, like I said I was expecting more, but I'm not sure what. I just don't want to be sat here in 6 months time having moved no further than being put back on the medication.
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 29, 2015 9:03:55 GMT
Well after a weekend of sulking about my disappointing visit to the ADHD clinic on Friday, I have been to the chemist and picked up my Concerta.
So here I am on day 1 again! I have been putting it off all week because I have vague memories of the down before the up from last time I started this.
I am on 18mg a day for the next three weeks, then back to the clinic to see the nurse.
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jun 30, 2015 22:17:35 GMT
Day 2 on 18mg, I asked the Dr how I could cope with the crash in the evening and he suggested taking it a little later. Yesterday I took it about 9.45 and was still up too late, I've had a bit of a dodgy sleep pattern over the last 3 weeks or so, so it's difficult to say how much is due to the Concerta. I ended up taking a sleeping tablet to help me get some sleep, otherwise work is very difficult. Today I took it at 9am and I'm still feeling too awake. I'm not sure about taking another sleeping tablet as they have diazepam in them and the doctor recommended that I don't take them too frequently. I've got a busy day tomorrow though so I need to be with it and as it's going to be hot hot hot tomorrow I really need a good nights sleep. I have been feeling a little wired and speedy, which I don't remember from the last time of taking it. I have also been a proper chatterbox. I've noticed a lot less anxiety, which could be the reason for being more talkative. The problem I have, with knowing how the meds are affecting me is when I am asked if the meds are helping I am replying from the point of view of someone who spent practically 24 years taking amphetamine, so I really don't know if the Concerta is working because I am feeling like I did for all those years and that is normal, or because what I felt for all those years on amphetamine, was actually normal because what I had actually been doing was self medicating. Oh the dilemmas of an over-thinker!! Either way, I am happier being me and that has got to be good.
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jul 2, 2015 11:03:27 GMT
So this is day 4 of Concerta and I am on a day off, previously when I was taking Concerta I wouldn't take it if I was not doing anything (mostly to prove to myself that I could). This time I have decided to do it by the book instead of fighting the system every time I didn't wake up this morning until 10.50 as I have still been struggling sleeping and have been taking sleeping tablets, which I don't like to do too frequently. So as I wasn't working I decided to let myself go to sleep naturally. This took some time and has put me right back this morning. I had a dilemma, taking the Concerta at 11am it's guaranteed to mean I will struggle to sleep tonight. But on the other hand, I am supposed to be doing this by the book, which means taking it every day, at least until the level is sorted out. I decided that I would take it anyway, there is only one more day of work this week and it is not a hard day. So if I need to do it on only a little sleep, I think I can do it. Yesterday I had a massive crash for some reason at about 3.30 in the afternoon, then came back to life again after about 2 hours of feeling like I was going to fall asleep at my friend's table and could hardly string a sentence together.
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jul 3, 2015 7:08:29 GMT
Well last night was fun! Due to the late taking of my Concerta, combined with humidity and my 20 year old daughter sleeping in my bed, I was up again until 3am. So when I woke up this morning at 6.25am to my daughter kicking me to turn off two of my five alarms, I was the perfect little ray of sunshine So this morning, instead of my lovely nest to wake up in, I am now sat downstairs as my daughter is asleep again now, star-fished across my nest, and as this house is now full of "not morning people" I need to come around before anyone else gets up otherwise world war 3 is likely to break out
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jul 3, 2015 18:26:58 GMT
I am so pleased today is over. I struggled through our first job, I needed a lot of upbeat music to keep me on task, but still got behind. It's so hot at the moment and trying to polish and shine when you're sweating and misting everything up again is frustrating on a good day, with only 3 hours sleep even the tiniest fleck of dust was irritating the hell out of me . I guess it's a good job that our houses today are all empty. A boost of fruit for lunch and I thought I could get through the next job. But there I was, sat in the car park of the co-op with a lovely view of the coast and some lovely chap informed me of my flat tyre! As nice as the view was, sitting around for an hour waiting for the AA to turn up, it sort of lost it's appeal. I was lucky to have my good friend and insanity monitor with me, so we managed to laugh our way through it When he finally arrived the kindly AA man helped me unload the boot to reveal a wheel that would better suit my son's moped! Apparently it's a space saver tyre but it's so tiny, and driving on it was like walking on one broken stiletto after a night out! I was creeping round every corner and couldn't go any faster than 50, although 40 was as brave as I felt. We missed our next job and I decided to call it a day and get home before the thunder storms roll in as I had been informed that it would be pretty useless in the rain at anything above 30. Thankfully, my petulant, in love, teenage son has gone off with his girlfriend for the weekend. I have found him particularly irritating over the last week, and when I mention it, he does "his face", (it's changed over the years, but it means the same thing -'YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME AND I DARE TO YOU TO SUGGEST THAT YOU DO!'). He has suffered from depression himself in the past, so I feel I have to be a little compassionate and understanding, let him deal with things in his own time, all I can do is reassure him that I am there if he needs me. I also know that he sometimes uses this to avoid situations or block communication and I feel he is doing this at the moment. Him not being here means that I don't have to fight to "let it go" all weekend. I am looking forward to an early night and a peaceful weekend.
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jul 4, 2015 23:22:37 GMT
What a lovely day. Firstly, I have got so much done, 3 loads of washing brushed the dogs (then the carpet!) got new tyres on my car repotted my aloe plants all before the qualifying for F1 Then got to spend the afternoon and evening with lots of family, enjoying the sun and having an early celebration for my 11 month old niece . Particularly enjoyed the company of my beautiful bubbly daughter, whose energy levels and hyperactivity tire everyone out, but I wouldn't have her any other way, she is so full of excitement and joy at the simplest things in life. I am so enjoying being comfortable in my own skin again. It is a long time since I have felt like I was really me. Tomorrow I have got to drive up and pick my dearest son up from his girlfriend's house. Lets hope he's in a better mood than the last time we spoke, although I have a feeling he will be returning with her in tow to avoid any communication about his behaviour. At least his girlfriend lives in a really pretty village, so I can take my dogs for a lovely long walk.
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jul 6, 2015 8:27:51 GMT
It has now been a whole week on the meds and I've got to say I don't remember feeling this good on 18mg when I took it before.
I can't have done otherwise I wouldn't have ended up on 54mg, but maybe that was just the addict in me going "oh I like this, maybe if I take a higher dose I will like it even more".
Or this could be just be me being excited and happy to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Of course being super good and remembering to take the concerta every day has also helped me to take me flouxetine every day as well, so that will improve things for me as well.
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jul 6, 2015 22:24:54 GMT
Oops, got home at 10pm this evening to find an email on my computer from my insurance company, telling me my insurance runs out today at midnight and they cannot get a payment from my bank. I've just been on and looked and it seems the bank have reduced my overdraft amount so there isn't enough to pay my insurance!! Can't drive to town tomorrow because i won't have insurance and although I did make it into the supermarket on my own to drop my prescription off today for the first time in about 3 years, I'm not sure I can do the 20 min walk into town let alone cope with the chaos of noise and people that is town. Not sure what I'm gong to do now, but I think a day of will be in order while I sort something out. I was doing so well up to now! I'm not complaining too much though because i still haven't had a bad day since resuming my Concerta and that is a whole 7 days
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jul 7, 2015 7:56:43 GMT
Well for the first time since I started taking my Concerta again, I had a really stressful, sleepless night worrying over and over about my insurance for my car. So as usual I feel asleep some time after 3am and then was woken abruptly at 6.25 by the first of my many alarms. Feeling a bit on the back foot this morning and not looking forward to work. Haven't managed to sort out the bank or the insurance so I'm just going to have to take my chances in the car today to earn some money, to put in the bank to pay the insurance Still, armed with my ADHD, my anxiety and my quivering bottom lip, I defy anybody to try and take my car off me today
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jul 7, 2015 18:31:51 GMT
Today I have felt like I was on the edge of anxiety all day, I was so nervous driving my car and I am finding the Concerta is only helping me to focus on the anxiety. It has felt like I've been fighting just to not run away today. Everything is a struggle and I just want to give up on the day.
This is the first day since I started on the Concerta, where I haven't felt comfortable being me, I have felt wired, agitated, anxious and irritated. I feel like I am losing a battle, I don't want to go onto benefits, but working enough to earn enough is getting harder at the moment. Today I feel like I've been pushed down a hill and I'm rolling out of control towards the bottom.
With barely any sleep last night I feel like the walking dead this evening, I was going to drop into one of our older clients after work this evening,but I barely managed to empty the car of my work stuff. And to top it all, I have my brother's dog here for the next 10 days, this is day one and he is driving me mad with his pacing. I have finally got him to lie down and he is just laying there glaring at me.
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jul 8, 2015 16:01:06 GMT
Thank god I am safely back at home in my nest and finally feeling able to breath again. Today has been truly horrible, it started with the dashed hope at my appointment regarding income support this morning. No scrap that, it started when I realised I'd left my phone somewhere when the alarm didn't go off this morning. Then was the blow from the appointment. I was hoping that my phone was at my brother's as I am guarding his home and looking after his dog while he, his partner and their baby (lucky gits) are enjoying a bit of time in sunny Spain. I drove over to find it and thought I would drop in on my good friend and sanity monitor/balancer just to get out the earlier annoyance with a bit of laughter. Unfortunately she wasn't in, so I went to my brother's and found my phone ( one bit of good news ). Not so good was the feelings I was going through whilst there. You see, the house is actually our family home, when my mother died two years ago, my younger brother bought me and our older brother out (but that's another story). I have spent the last 8 years going there everyday looking after my parents when they were less able, until they passed away and have lots of emotions around the house. This is the first time I have been there on my own and thinking about all the times I spent with my mum, sat around the kitchen table chatting and without any distractions I was overcome with sadness. Finally managed to get through that emotional moment and went off to pick my daughter up for our sleep over (she lives at her dad's during uni holidays). I was still feeling a bit vulnerable and sad, so I put on my happy face because her enthusiasm for everything is catching and I could do with a little bit of that. Not how it happened though . All was going well until she left me at the bottom of the stairs whilst she went up to get her shoes. On the wall at the bottom of the stairs is some pictures of both her and my son when they were young (before they realised what a mess their mother was). They were both smiling and happy, they didn't have a care in the world. And whilst when I look at my daughter, I still see that smile, that happiness and enthusiasm for life, this is not something I feel when i look at my son. For a long time I have been worried about his low mood, when I went to family counselling, it ended up just me and him and during the meeting, the two workers talked about how it was perfectly normal that my teenage son wasn't expressing his feelings to me and that it was normal behaviour that he would be moody, unmotivated and lethargic. Having never been a teenage boy and prone to worrying about worse case scenarios I walked away and tried to accept it. But the truth is, I know my son, I usually have good intuition and I wish I had listened to that instead of the supposed 'professionals'. A couple of years later, I was worried again. He was at college, which he was missing frequently, he spent a lot of time in his bed (something I know all about), he hardly went out and only seemed to speak to friends over the internet via Facebook. I expressed these concerns to others but was told that I was wrong, that he was a little quirky, but that he was just being a teenager. Have you heard the saying "if you are told you are a donkey by 10 different people, then maybe you are a donkey"? Well I asked many others their opinions and was told not to worry. Then less than a month later I got a call from my son's tutor telling me he had been in his office in a bit of a state. She told me that he was struggling with depression and that she thought he needed to see the college counsellor, but could I come in to pick him up and see what we could do for him. I was devastated, I felt so guilty for not following my gut instinct again! Turns out it had all come out when another of his tutors had told him to "take his miserable face out of her classroom as she couldn't look at it for another day"! He has stormed out of the class, slamming doors as he went. Luckily his form tutor saw him and managed to calm him down enough to get him to her room where she talked to him and called me. Since then, two years ago, he has been up and down. He hasn't sought counselling, but does have an outlet in writing and poetry. The trouble is my daughter cannot deal with mental health, she has spent her life being as 'normal' as possible. She got her perfect job working in an office 9-5, with her own desk and lanyard and after some work experience she went off to uni to become a teacher. When I dared to mention that I was sad because I realise that I lost that innocent, happy little boy when my life finally fell apart. I know he is happier now, but that doesn't stop the sadness I feel when I see those pictures. My daughter, on the other hand, likes to pretend all is well in the world, at least in terms of mental health. She cannot talk about it and still believes that her brother made the whole thing up to get attention, because for her, that is better than the alternative that he might have had depression. I really couldn't cope with her insistence that she was right and I was wrong and i could feel myself getting more and more agitated. So I told her I needed to go and that we would have to have our sleepover another time. I felt awful doing it but I knew we would both be on edge the whole time. Letting go is not something either of us do well, we both put on an admirable attempt but inevitably the underlying issues surface. So I know it was the best thing to do, even if it was a very tearful journey home to an empty house. She has phoned me since and all is well, and here I am in my nest, getting all this sh*t out. Thanks for reading or not
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Post by contrarymary on Jul 8, 2015 17:16:11 GMT
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jul 9, 2015 10:45:39 GMT
Today I am feeling much better. I picked up my prescription of mild sleeping tablets that I can take every night for the next few days, I have now had two nights of good sleep and woke up this morning (admittedly not until 9.30), feeling like I could face the day. I do have a day off today, but was going to use it to do some cleaning at my brother's house so got up and ready to go. As I was feeling quite functional I thought I would have a look at the longterm 'not done' list and remembered I needed to check when the MOT for my car was due. There I was worrying because I know the insurance was out by a day or so, then I ring the garage to see if they know when it was last done. After a brief look on the internet, they told me the MOT had actually run out on 23rd March . I have booked it in for tomorrow morning, I'm hoping it passes otherwise that will be another day without pay, I've had two days now and I don't have any paid work over the weekend so I really need to get on tomorrow and do some work. But the silver lining is, I'm not stressing about it and I am not emotional about it. I am able to just accept it and that is the best thing I can do.
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jul 10, 2015 19:22:46 GMT
Another good day for me. Firstly I dropped the car for it's MOT and then took the dogs for a lovely long walk. You've heard of the Brady Bunch, well we are the broken bunch. Kaos and my brother's dog Buddy both have arthritis, Toffee is short sighted and going deaf and I have a wonky head! But together we keep each other safe and happy. When I got back my car had passed it's MOT, it needed two licence plate bulbs at a cost of £1.50 each and even better, the garage I use have reduced the cost of their MOT's so even bigger bonus. What a relief. I felt like a weight had been lifted, knowing my car was safe to drive. I wasn't feeling particularly energetic so I cancelled one of the jobs today, less money, but it felt good to be kind to myself. My head has been a bit foggy today, but I wonder if that is to do with taking the sleeping tablets every night. But it is so good to get multiple nights of quality, long sleep that I am willing to put up with the foggy head for now. Tomorrow I have a visit to the animal sanctuary with my lovely client, she loves getting out of the house and it doesn't happen much. Her face lights up when we go out anywhere. Then on Sunday, I'm over at my brother's house doing a full deep clean, I love cleaning a house from top to bottom and seeing the difference it makes. Last time I took her I was feeling quite anxious about it, but this time I am really looking forward to it.
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jul 13, 2015 9:19:40 GMT
Well I have had good weekend, I managed to take my meds all the way through the weekend although on Sunday i didn't take it until 10am. The trip to the animal Sanctuary was great, but very sad to hear my client talking about how she doesn't want to go home sometimes. She is a lovely lady and to see her looking so sad was hard. I felt awful that I had to drive her home again. I braved a trip out to Mole Valley Farmers. After giving the dogs a good walk I braved the shop alone!!! Obviously I couldn't find what I was looking for and was walking round and round in circles getting more and more anxious (mostly because the dogs were in the car, it was parked in the shade and they had water, but they were panting from their walk and I was worried that someone would complain about them overheating). Finally I plucked up the courage to ask someone and as I did I saw the product right in front of me . On Sunday I went over to clean my brother's house and was there until 11pm last night cleaning, I really 'got in the zone' and his house looks fantastic. I decided not to use any sleeping tablets last night as I have been taking them every night for the last week and although they are very mild, I do not want to become dependent on them for a good nights sleep. It took me hours to get to sleep last night I felt like my mind was so busy, it was going to explode. I imagine that was all the millions of thoughts that would normally have been bouncing around my head all day if I hadn't been so focused, all came to me when my head hit the pillow. It was so loud in there even my usual sleep mantra wasn't working. . I'm not sure what time I went to sleep, it felt like I was laying there for hours with those whirling thoughts, but I did it, I didn't give in and get up for a smoke or a drink. I lay there with my eyes squeezed tight until sleep finally got the better of my mind. Today I have got to be brave again, I have got to go into town, I'm going into Paignton town as it is smaller and I am more familiar with it and I shall be taking a trusted friend with me. But town has always been a big issue for me, too many people going in different directions, too many noises and things to be aware of, it is hard for me to filter out the relevant from the irrelevant when there is so much going on around me. But I have to pay money into my bank and I can't do that over the internet and without it my car stays uninsured and I continue to panic every time I go out in it. Wish me luck
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Post by contrarymary on Jul 13, 2015 9:31:23 GMT
Good Luck!!!
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jul 14, 2015 21:24:52 GMT
Managed to avoid town yesterday, but it did mean heading off to a small branch of another bank, with a bag full of change! I finally have a fully legal car again and have been working my ass off between paid cleaning jobs, deep cleaning my brother's house and looking after his dog. Last week I had the bright idea to let my son and his girlfriend have my house for a couple of days and I would stay at my brother's. This is now a decision I am regretting . I have spent the whole day catching up with myself, just to run late again. I packed to stay at my brother's: 1 dress, 1 t-shirt, my electric toothbrush (without charger), a spare pair of shorts (it's been raining most of the day). What I didn't pack and had to go back for: Dog's food, bowls and supplements, my laptop. What I forgot the second time and can't go back for: A change of work clothes, some of my cleaning stuff including extra cloths, my phone charger, a brush or comb, toothpaste, sleeping tablets, milk or food! I'm not even in bed yet but I am already missing my bed. It should feel ok being here because this was my family home, I lived in this house from the age of 5 until I left home, the last time when I was about 18. And I have cared for both my dad and mum in this house. Visiting every day for 10 years. But tonight I don't feel comfortable at all. I feel like a squatter, like I'm expecting someone to burst in at any moment. When my mum first died, I couldn't imagine not being here. At the end of her life we were practically living here. I am always here visiting my brother, his partner and my niece and I have been over here late most evenings cleaning. But tonight I can't bring myself to go to bed. I can't even sit in the living room. I am sat in the kitchen, surrounded by 3 dogs all looking bewildered, listening to some truly dire 80s music unable to move, my head is going so crazy, it's taking me forever just to get a sentence out on here. Realised also today that I have an appointment in Exeter sometime in the next week or two but I don't know when, I know they sent me a letter, but I didn't do the sensible thing, and write it in my diary or put it on my phone straight away and now I can't find the letter. I have phoned the clinic, lets hope they get back to me before my appointment!
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jul 22, 2015 19:33:10 GMT
It feels like forever since I last came on here. Staying at my brother's was an absolute disaster! I got a call on the Wednesday morning to tell me my appointment was in fact in an hours time 30 miles away! So that was missed, they made me another appointment for today, but then cancelled on me 2 hours before the appointment, so I'm feeling a bit frazzled. I hardly slept at all whilst staying at my brother's house and was so pleased after only two nights, to get back in my own bed. My dogs were ill on one of the nights we stayed so I doubled the amount of cleaning I had to do before my brother and family got back and I was knackered. The meds are just making me feel agitated now, I have no appetite (which isn't a bad thing as I am prone to comfort eating) and mostly living on smoothies as I am struggling to chew food. This worries me because I have a history of eating problems. At night I can hardly sleep as my once my head starts going I just can't stop it. I have had to take sleeping tablets again to get some sleep, but that leaves me foggy as well as agitated all day. I am also feeling more anxious again and have stopped even thinking about going anywhere on my own. It seems the early bravery has left me and I am slipping back. So to have my appointment cancelled on me is really frustrating. I can't do another 3 weeks on 18mg if this is how it is going to be. I was also informed this week, that I am back on the waiting list for a support worker. I did have an appointment with one in January, she went off sick and I was put on the waiting list again. In March I was contacted by another support worker who arranged an appointment for me in July, when one of her present clients would be finished. Now she has gone off sick and I have to go back on the waiting list for another one which could be another couple of months! If I am lucky, the bailiffs will be as patient as I am having to be, before emptying my house to pay the debts that I can't get help sorting out. I tried to get some financial help, but it turns out that if I want to claim any help I have to claim JSA which means I have to prove that I have been looking for work and visit town every week to sign on. I don't want anymore work, I can't do anymore work particularly whilst my meds are being sorted out. It is also likely that I will have my water turned off soon, I am so behind in payments and I am not earning enough to pay my bills every week ( I suppose the lack of appetite does have a bonus, at least it saves me some money). Taking the anti-depressants might to stop the intrusive thoughts and the worry about the situation I am in, but they are not getting the situation sorted. I feel like an ostrich (or is it an emu ) I take the anti-depressants and I am burying my head in the sand, I can pretend that everything is ok, that I am not drowning in financial issues, likely to lose my house, my car and my work. Occasionally I pull my head out and look around me but it feels so bleak that I can't wait to bury my head below ground again. The reality I see when I look gives me a panic attack, just thinking about it now is making me want to take another sleeping tablet to forget, at least then it won't keep me awake and it won't interrupt my dreams, at least with the foggy head, I won't wake up with it hitting me in the face again in the morning. Sorry just having a little pity party for one there , sometimes it's good to get it out. Just gotta get on with it. Tomorrow's another day and as long as the sun is shining it can't be all bad.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2015 6:38:40 GMT
Sorry just having a little pity party for one there , sometimes it's good to get it out. Just gotta get on with it. Tomorrow's another day and as long as the sun is shining it can't be all bad. Sorry to hear about your troubles. I've never been in a situation even remotely resembling it, so I'm afraid I can offer very little support. Getting it out though seems like a good thing. When my mother went through a rough patch I always called her so she could vent for sometimes an hour at a time, after which she would feel a sense of relief and be able to laugh again. Try to enjoy that sun and some fresh air. Your dogs also seem very important to you, so enjoy their company. I'm a huge dog lover and very jealous because I can't have one at the moment.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 24, 2015 15:54:04 GMT
I'm all for a good moan and externalising self-pity. . . I've been doing it here quite a bit recently, but find that it's good to express these things, then you can move on.
I'm in the 'head in the sand' camp when it comes to money problems too. And I know that you know that you've got to sort it out and do something.
Don't shut people out - I know it's hard - when I'm depressed and overwhelmed I hide inside my head and my house and the longer I'm there, the more difficult it is to get out.
Talk to your friend, walk your dogs, try to be kind to yourself.
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Post by chaoticwitch on Jul 25, 2015 14:50:55 GMT
Thank you @dutch & vagueandrandom it certainly helped to get it all out. This is what I love about this forum, I can put it out there and let it go and feel supported into the bargain certainly don't get that from a private journal. It feels like a mountain to climb sometimes and I'm tempted to sell everything I own buy a van and drive off into the distance, just me and my dogs. Just one teenager still living at home (and in no hurry to leave as he's now moved his girlfriend in!) and keeping me here. I've heard it's not unusual for people with ADHD to be able to engage better with animals than other humans. I can say without a doubt, that I understand my dogs better than I understand my children and they are definitely more in tune with me than anyone I know. I was offered another appointment next Tuesday or mid-August, I opted for next Tuesday. My Concerta runs out tomorrow and they haven't said anything about another prescription so I guess I just go without for a couple of days?!?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2015 8:05:20 GMT
Sucks to have to go without for a few days, but you will get there. Work towards the appointment and when you're there just explain what happened so you can make sure you will have enough next time. Most of all… have fun with the dogs!
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