vagueandrandom you are not a fruit loop. au contraire you fit right in around here: here you are normal.
i remember years ago going away on a silent retreat, staying in a convent which was home to a large community of nuns in some beautiful part of the countryside. i was taking a weekend away from a hugely busy job and single parenthood and relished the complete time out and chance to catch up with myself.
the set-up was a little guesthouse in the grounds of the convent, and a chance to join the nuns for meals and services a few times a day. the rest of the time was for reading, thinking, walking etc. all to be done in silence.
i had done my usual thing of no preparation and picking a book from their library when i got there. i had found book on myers briggs, and after supper i settled down to read it. i found myself transfixed at what suddenly made sense and couldn't put it down.
at 2 am i remember standing outside the convent smoking, looking up at the moon and saying "I'm a personality type! I'm not a weirdo, I'm a personality type!"
knowledge, insight and context are always going to be key to living well and happily: - seeking help for the things which are difficult, whether that's medication, talking therapies or other activities; - finding ways of making things work for us - lists, structure, exercise, meditation, diet, space; - and building commmunity - online, support groups, friendships... people who get it, who know us and celebrate us for who we are
you reflect back to me something of my own experience, and that's really helpful - when we've struggled for years, when we live alone, when we don't have the structures that others live with - it helps to know we are not on our own with our experience. thanks for that.
this too will pass. generally we have to go through it to get to the other side. maybe it might help if you can remember other times when things were difficult and you were down, and it passed. this will too.
we generally feel better when we can take some sort of action, and feel miserable when we feel stuck or helpless. while it's an amorphous mess we are like rabbits in the fog, and it all feels too much.
can you go for a walk to clear you head, take some time out? i find it so helpful to have space & time to think and fresh air to get perspective, working out what's possible - what you can change, what you cannot change - & making a plan for what you are going to do will give you back some power in the situation.