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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 2, 2015 9:16:10 GMT
Thanks contrarymarySo this is what happened last night: I went to bed around midnight, tired, and as soon as I lay down I remembered something that happened a while back and my brain decided to replay it on a loop with another part of my brain providing a running-commentary and analysing it and then replaying it slightly differently in order to remember correctly and then replaying what I said and what I should have said instead all the time explaining to a non-existent person how I was feeling about it at the time and now. This is what my brain does to me at night. I made a point of avoiding screens and excitement for about an hour before going to bed. I was still awake at 3am and I've been awake and fully alert since 7.30am. I haven't taken my meds yet. . . I have now. I'm hoping that having my parents around will provide me with enough distractions to stop me from spiralling deeper inside my own crazy world. One of the first things I'm going to do after the move is to find a decent therapist - I can't keep dumping this stuff on here and hoping someone might read it. Today is a new day
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 2, 2015 9:37:14 GMT
Hey clubby I think that it's because I've been totally alone for quite a long period of time and the only people I have spoken to in nearly a week have been online. I know what you mean though. . until yesterday's crash, I was having such an amazing exciting time! I was joyful in the moment, but a lot of the things were reckless and destructive and I have probably upset a few people. I shouldn't overthink these things. It's also the being stuck in limbo and not having my own place to be - my own things around me - my organisational systems. Although I've got plenty of energy and I'm not tired, I really, really want to get a decent night's sleep. I want my brain to shut down for a short while. So far I've resisted drinking myself into oblivion, but I've been extremely tempted! I'm so glad that I found this forum so I can write stuff like this and not have the world think I'm a fruit loop
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Post by contrarymary on Nov 2, 2015 14:22:57 GMT
vagueandrandom you are not a fruit loop. au contraire you fit right in around here: here you are normal. i remember years ago going away on a silent retreat, staying in a convent which was home to a large community of nuns in some beautiful part of the countryside. i was taking a weekend away from a hugely busy job and single parenthood and relished the complete time out and chance to catch up with myself. the set-up was a little guesthouse in the grounds of the convent, and a chance to join the nuns for meals and services a few times a day. the rest of the time was for reading, thinking, walking etc. all to be done in silence. i had done my usual thing of no preparation and picking a book from their library when i got there. i had found book on myers briggs, and after supper i settled down to read it. i found myself transfixed at what suddenly made sense and couldn't put it down. at 2 am i remember standing outside the convent smoking, looking up at the moon and saying "I'm a personality type! I'm not a weirdo, I'm a personality type!" knowledge, insight and context are always going to be key to living well and happily: - seeking help for the things which are difficult, whether that's medication, talking therapies or other activities; - finding ways of making things work for us - lists, structure, exercise, meditation, diet, space; - and building commmunity - online, support groups, friendships... people who get it, who know us and celebrate us for who we are you reflect back to me something of my own experience, and that's really helpful - when we've struggled for years, when we live alone, when we don't have the structures that others live with - it helps to know we are not on our own with our experience. thanks for that.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2015 21:53:17 GMT
The mind races
And we cannot remember one thought/dream/emotion from another
out of focus and kilter
an alien mind
drifting
imagination
every scenario scrutinized
every thought processed for every outcome
yet not structured
like thinking simultaneously, influenced by our realities
none of it makes sense
a scratched record
jumping here there and everywhere
be still mind
not possible
no pause on this set of synapses
let it run, like a video player
no pause fast forward or rewind
just endless jumbled up mess
exhausting
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 3, 2015 20:12:55 GMT
contrarymary I find myself reflected in a lot of people here. It's quite liberating to be be able to post all this 'stuff' from my head and to have other people know how it feels. Anywhere else and . . . well, I just wouldn't. . . I've never even expressed myself like this to any of the many therapists I've seen. I fit here, and I've never fitted anywhere else. Hi @alec77 - well expressed, as usual
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 4, 2015 21:43:32 GMT
. . . and changing the subject. . .
I'm a bit worried about my music. I don't normally listen very much as I can't concentrate on anything else if I do.
Recently, going to the gym a lot (so listening) and being on my own, I've got myself a bit lost in it (caught in a trap) and if I'm listening at night, I just can't stop!
. . . just one more track. . .ooh, that reminds me of . . have I still got that one?. . .
. . . and if I'm listening at home, then I'm also dancing, and possibly singing (I have a terrible voice). . . and then it's 3 or 4am. . .
. . and I'm not sleeping much as it is.
I've been buying more, and not even listening to half of it - I just HAVE TO HAVE IT!
I've gone off the point. The point is that when I was at the gym my iPod kept stopping. It was like it couldn't find the tracks.
This is worrying.
Since my computer has been stolen and my phone doesn't have enough memory for music and my CDs are in a box in a garage -
I only have my music on my iPod - lots of it - and I don't what I'd do if it stopped working.
On a lighter note, this could be a party at my house - I'd be the dancing girl!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2015 22:07:20 GMT
Vague, yer mad. You d o know that? right? :/
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 5, 2015 15:16:53 GMT
I'm not mad @alec77 (well, maybe a bit) That's the whole point! I've thought I was mad for years. I now know that my brain just works differently. And the way that it works is shared by some of the folk on here. Hold onto your hat, or get a cuppa, this could be a long one. . . What with stopping and starting meds and getting the odd meltdown. . . I've decided to to take the opportunity of being without both home and job, and therefore without adult responsibility, to rediscover myself. I am being self-indulgent in the true way . . . indulging in myself. . .I'm gorging on myself. . . I'm allowing my traits full-reign. . . I'm never going to know how to cope with my traits, if I don't really know what they are. I've been suppressing them for years because I thought that I was mad and I've been trying to conform to what is considered acceptable. I'm allowing myself to be self-obsessed and selfish in some kind of attempt to become more self-aware. There are some things that I really hate about myself and I want to make better, or less hateful, or less important. . . . . . I'm on such a high at the moment. . .I've released the genie from the bottle. . . and I'm out of control. . . . . . and I don't need to be in control. . . It's not the same kind of out of control that you get with drugs or alcohol (yes, I know alcohol's a drug) and sometimes I don't realise what I've been doing until I think about it later, and feel embarrassment or guilt or shame. I'm hyperactive and hypervigilant and so hyperfocussed it's like looking through a pinhole at times. I'm trying to get to know ME and spending hours writing stuff here is helping me to work it out. I'll have to put some of it back in the box when I get my life back - I'll have to - it's exhausting! While I was packing my stuff to move I found bits of writing that I've done, going back to my teenage years. The subjects have always been the same. . . felling different, an outsider, an alien. . . watching the world from a distance and not feeling engaged. . . Being overwhelmed by responsibility, or emotions. . . .wanting to have a break from being 'me'. . . wanting to be swallowed by a black hole. . . . . .not understanding how to communicate, make friends, be an adult. . . I've always been all or nothing - a drama-queen - outrageous (causing outrage), a provocateur - I like to provoke, pick arguments, cause a scene - because it makes life more exciting! (So few people use provocative and perverse (I am both) in a non-sexual context these days. . .) I told you this could be long. . . and thank-you if you've made it to the end of this self-indulgent piece of stream-of-conciousness. I feel better now
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2015 16:57:07 GMT
I think we can all relate to this. ADHD brain wiring makes us different, deffo With out home or job. I hope your staying somwhere and aren't just going homeless. I'd worry Please don't get mad with me, I just hope your ok. When I get mania, I drink to cool it down, this isn't good advice, but it's what i do Our emotions, feelings can rocket either into happyland or sadland, where are you? You recognize so much of yourself. You see that our current society is dull, repressed and judgemental therefor you have had to put a lid on this for ages. Take the lid of slowly, release it slowly. Write it all out on here, or somewhere safe Emotions, responsibility, is where we fall down But you can limit these things Choose a life that you can do, not what others have mistakenly expected you to do.
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Post by manson88 on Nov 5, 2015 23:34:55 GMT
vagueandrandom @alec77 Some may be aware that I'm going through a break up at the moment. I was with the therapist yesterday and we were discussing about why some of the celebrities go to the priory.. We came to the agreement that we are not mad as in US. it's them that is mad.. Them being the people who put labels on us!!! Social conditioning... This came about when I said that I have had enough, I was about to run away lol I have my ex wife on my case and my mother in between.. In fact tonight I spent 3hrs looking at hotels, 3 nights half board bed and breakfast. I need time to think to look at what I really really want career, passion, interests, the future?!. The truth is who we live with convince us what we should be what direction we should go in! My head is done in I'm about to burst!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2015 8:28:14 GMT
gosh manson88 sorry to hear that
I too am slipping
Drinking at serious levels
Overstimulated
Emotions, paranoia, it's all becoming too much
I just feel stuck
I don't know if I feel better for knowing i have adhd, or if it was better to not know
The more I learn about adhd, the more ill I feel
Since diagnoses I have had only 10 to 15 min appointments with phyc, every couple of months
I am bursting I think
I just want to run away too
I looked into it a few weeks ago
Thought about going completely homeless in a new town and starting again
but my kids
I can't
Life is just way too hard
When adhd is out of control it is truly horrible
I am tired of the bouts of near insanity
Hang in there manson88, I will too
Gosh summer is too busy for me, long days, noise, heat, busyness, crowds, sunshine , all too much
I crave winter for darkness, peace, tranquility
And now XMAS is stressing me out, AAArgh
bugger
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Post by manson88 on Nov 6, 2015 9:18:39 GMT
I'm in a mess this morning @alec77.
Was allowed to put the medication up but it's made me worse. I'm even more anxious!!
I'm sitting in Mc Donalds trying to eat a snack and I'm making a meal out of it.!!
Hopefully it will stay down! @alec77, your words here this morning of wisdom are so true!
@alec77 You need a column in some tabloid newspaper, but I don't think for one minute that position would change you one bit..
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2015 9:22:27 GMT
Concerta gives you focus
Sadly it can give you focus on the horrid
When I first took concerta, I was still getting over an ex
All I could think of was her
She was from kent
i was working as a store man for M & S
Every product that said Kent or areas near Kent made me think of her
It was awful
I couldn't stop thinking about her
I can almost smile about it now
But it was horrible
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 6, 2015 10:05:49 GMT
Reply 1 @alec77 you know I'm at my mum's. I'm waiting for my own home to be ready.
Yesterday it was happy mania. Today I'm a bit wobbly as I've just replied to mrsh and the thought of that bad place upsets me.
Depressed mania is the worst! I've been totally delusional and acting like a mad woman with tourettes when I'm in that state.
I've only been out of that for about 9 months - it lasted a good year, on and off! I thought I was losing my mind!
It's how I eventually got the ADHD dx
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 6, 2015 10:26:58 GMT
Reply 2 manson88 Look at us proper grown-ups living at our mums' and wanting to run away! My running away isn't happening quickly enough, which is why I'm here. It's always awful when a relationship breaks up, which is why I've avoided getting close to anyone for the past 22 years. I've had relationships, but couldn't fully let them in because I know that it will eventually end I know how much it hurts. But that's just me. Even before ADHD made itself known to me I decided to escape everything. My job, the city I've been in for 25 years. Everything. New start. I'd been really depressed for about 2 years and I made a pact with myself years ago that if my life hadn't taken a turn for the better by the time I was 50 that I would end it. This was supposed to be something that would keep me alive. The date was starting to become very close. I'm going to be 49 just before xmas. So - fuck it! I'm selling up my crappy London flat for a ridiculous amount of money and moving north. I've got nothing to lose. No close friends, no kids or relationship, crap job. So now I'm just learning to 'be'. I'm glad you're taking time to re assess your life. Its an opportunity to re-set. What do you want? what kind of job can you cope with which works with the ADHD instead of trying hard and failing every day? I'm going to stop now. I'll talk more if you want to.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 6, 2015 11:02:13 GMT
PS @alec77 I'm with you on winter.
I feel safe when it's dark outside. I find it comforting to wear lots of clothes and sit by the fire.
I feel exposed in the summer when it's night and I'm indoors and it's still light outside and there's people having barbecues at 10 o'clock at night.
I like the way winter smells. I like to see moisture from my breath in the air.
I really, really like snow. I go to Sweden a fair bit and I'm going this winter. It'll be amazing. Quiet. Dark.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2015 12:25:02 GMT
I agree with you vagueandrandom.
Winter is nice
And it smells clean , fresh
Snow is pretty
Sweden , I bet it's lovely there
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 10, 2015 9:47:02 GMT
What I would give for a full night's sleep!
I was mentally exhausted when I went to bed last night around midnight - could hardly keep my eyes open.
So I lay down, and I've got what I call 'itchy bones'. Whatever position I get myself into, after a minute or 2, I'm uncomfortable.
My limbs feel 'wrong' and my mind is relatively quiet for a change and I'm shifting around and it's making me angry.
Because I'm so tired. And now my brain wants to join in. . .
I was awake until around 3am. I've now been up since 7.45am and I'm wide awake.
I can't keep going on so little sleep!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2015 11:15:35 GMT
concerta gives anxiety. Try missing a days dose. And set your alarm for five am. EVen if you got to bed at 4am Use bedroom for sleep only and remove all distractions worth a try
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 11, 2015 20:57:11 GMT
Tired, tired, tired, tired. . . acting like a whiney 5 year old in Ikea. .
Had to answer the phone from my solicitor and both estate agents. . .arrghhh. .
Too much! I even had to eat cake this afternoon - and I don't really like cake, but had sugar cravings. . .
I'm stuck in a room in my parent's house, so can't really only use it for sleeping if I want some privacy.
I'll do it in my new place, if I ever get there.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 12, 2015 11:10:59 GMT
Sleep update: Managed to get about 6 hours in 3 parts last night, which is a bit better.
Contracts for flat sale arrived this morning, but had a mistake in them, so I had to call my solicitor. . .
had a mini-meltdown, shouted at my parents and burst into tears, just with the thought of having to make a call.
Pulled myself together and did it. She answered, herself, straight away *phew*
I could be moving in a week or so. . . I'll have to become a responsible adult again. . .
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Post by contrarymary on Nov 12, 2015 12:28:50 GMT
Progress!!! It's really hard holding on throught those times when there's an unexpected hiccup and we don't know how long/how well/whether/what next... Well done
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Post by smogz101 on Nov 12, 2015 20:57:50 GMT
I second what contrarymary said .... Progress! Also it's so hard living back with your parents after living on your own. Hope you have a better day tomorrow!
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 12, 2015 21:18:47 GMT
Thank you contrarymary and smogz101I managed to get all of the right paperwork (at the last minute) signed, witnessed and back to the post office before the last post! Then I had a long walk in the dark along the canal towpath to clear my head. Feeling much better now.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2015 21:58:30 GMT
meh
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 13, 2015 0:25:21 GMT
I can't even be arsed to reply @alec77
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2015 0:26:48 GMT
na he is a dick
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 16, 2015 10:53:10 GMT
Well, I've had a few tough days and I wasn't going to post because I'll be miserable and moaning. . .
. . but I have to get the thoughts out of my head because they're just churning round and round. . .
. . and I should really keep a record because I'll feel different in a few days and I'll have forgotten how I'm feeling now.
I'm feeling really lost and lonely and trapped (at my parents) and scared.
I'm having issues with my mum which are coming out because I'm spending so much time with her.
We've never been close. She doesn't know how to react to any kind of display of emotion. She has never acknowledged my ADHD diagnosis
and we've certainly never spoken about it. Yesterday a friend of the family dropped by for coffee and my mum kept telling me to shut up
when I tried to take part in the conversation.
She also tried to organise a visit to my sister and her child (who both hate me and mock me) but, luckily they're busy.
Not having a family would be easier than having this one.
Then I got a text from my London downstairs neighbour saying that there's a water leak coming from my flat.
I felt sick, burst into tears and went to bed to get under the covers to cry - this could jeopardise the sale and my whole new start and it's so close to completion!
I really want a hug. My mum doesn't hug. She prodded me through the duvet.
My step dad called my neighbour (I have major issues with the phone and could barely speak anyway) to tell him about the stop cock for my
flat that's inside his and we've decided not to tell anyone unless it gets worse and he'll turn it back on when the new person moves in.
My neighbour was the only person who begged me not to leave London. He thinks I saved his life when he had a stroke.
I just called an ambulance and put a pillow under his head.
I still can't stop crying today and I'm scared what I'll do if something like this happens after I move and I'm living on my own in a city
where I don't know anyone. I just don't want to be me today. I feel lonely and useless. . . and I really need a hug.
And I only have enough tablets (mph and thyroxine) to last 10 days and I have no GP.
Again, sorry for being so miserable and negative when there's so many bigger, more distressing things happening in the world.
It will pass. I just can't see it at the moment.
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Post by contrarymary on Nov 16, 2015 11:03:08 GMT
((((( vagueandrandom))))) so sorry today's a struggle this too will pass. generally we have to go through it to get to the other side. maybe it might help if you can remember other times when things were difficult and you were down, and it passed. this will too. we generally feel better when we can take some sort of action, and feel miserable when we feel stuck or helpless. while it's an amorphous mess we are like rabbits in the fog, and it all feels too much. can you go for a walk to clear you head, take some time out? i find it so helpful to have space & time to think and fresh air to get perspective, working out what's possible - what you can change, what you cannot change - & making a plan for what you are going to do will give you back some power in the situation. xx
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 16, 2015 13:22:29 GMT
Thanks contrarymary I know it will pass. I'll probably be buzzing around, high as a kite on music and ideas in a few days time! I think I'm a bit hormonal.
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