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Post by contrarymary on Dec 18, 2015 19:36:08 GMT
Woop woop bloody woop woop woop That's fab news vagueandrandom Good luck with the weekend
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Post by hermanli on Dec 18, 2015 23:04:28 GMT
Well done vagueandrandom, sounds like you have been having an eventful time!
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Post by vagueandrandom on Dec 21, 2015 11:23:45 GMT
Well, I'm still waiting by the phone. . .
The family day was OK. My sister was fine and her child hugged me goodbye for the first time in 6 years! (still didn't speak though).
I nearly lost it with my parents last night and had to take myself off to my room to cry in peace. It's getting almost painful to have people around me.
Ended up staying up until 3.30am making an alternative xmas playlist - woke up at 8 - my mum wants to know what's going on. . .
. . . and I'm saying 'there's no point asking because they'll be busy sorting it' but really it's to avoid having to use the phone.
It's true though. Contracts are being exchanged as I type and completion will be a bit later. I'll be traveling up this afternoon, pick up keys,
nose about, stay in a hotel and move stuff in first thing tomorrow. 2 nights alone *bliss* then back for xmas.
On another subject: none of my London friends or FB friends remembered my birthday. Someone that I exchange emails with most days hasn't replied for 2 days.
Of course, I think it's all my fault and no-one ever thinks about me and what have I done/said to upset them?
Logically, I know that it's a busy time of year, and it's probably nothing, but it doesn't stop me feeling rejected.
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Post by contrarymary on Dec 21, 2015 12:30:34 GMT
((((( vagueandrandom))))) really glad the family day was ok - it sounds like progress! the friends thing sucks. a lot of people seem to be "out of sight out of mind", and it is a busy time of year. sometimes when i feel like that i have to have a good cry and can only then reset my head. holding it in is exhausting and it invariably spills over into most moments of the day. my brain goes back over & over in a loop every time i'm not doing something else. you have done amazingly well surviving all this time in limbo -which is something we partiuclarly hate. it's like "get on with it, i can't cope with holding on", and you've been stuck not knowing for ages. Nearly There! xx
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Post by vagueandrandom on Dec 28, 2015 11:08:48 GMT
I'm back! Well, I moved my stuff into the house and managed to sign up for gas/electric/water/council tax/internet/GP and get insurance. . . and only had to use the phone twice! My legs are killing me, though. Had a bit of a meltdown on Weds night, but got over it with some wise words from an online friend. It was lovely to be in a place of my own with the door shut and no-one to bother me, even if it's full of stuff to unpack and the internet can't be connected for a couple of weeks. However, I'm back at my parents for xmas, which was incredibly boring, but today we're off to Sweden for new year. . . and it's snowed!!! I love walking in the snow. It's so peaceful. So I won't be online for a week, and I'd like to wish everyone a happy new year and thank you for all of the support See you on the other side x
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Post by manson88 on Dec 28, 2015 11:12:34 GMT
Yea!
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Post by contrarymary on Dec 28, 2015 12:00:51 GMT
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jan 8, 2016 23:56:44 GMT
Bloody hell!
I've just spent ages writing a really long post with good and bad..
ERROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry, I can't do it again tonight.
Will try again tomorrow.
Anyway, for those who are interested, I got some stuff done and left other stuff.
I'm not too bad . .
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jan 19, 2016 16:26:21 GMT
Well, I'm in my new house which I'm finding alternately comforting and overwhelming.
I've still got loads to do and the boiler broke yesterday, so I'm cold and can't get anyone to look at it until tomorrow afternoon.
My new GP doesn't prescribe concerta and was most unpleasant when I saw her for the first time today (See Venting thread).
I'm going to a MH recycling charity's support group, which gets me out.
Got my bed re-assembled which I'm hoping will help my sleep. . .it's mine and a bit bouncy!
I got a car today. I should be excited, but I'm just cold and angry.
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Post by contrarymary on Jan 19, 2016 19:49:54 GMT
O BUMS vagueandrandomthat sounds like a lot to have to deal with, especially when it's so bloody cold i can't be happy when cold, it's too miserable. and i'd be livid about GP too. empathy & warm thoughts to you. warmth. hot water bottles? baths? duvets? hot food/drinks? candles? (tho a friend just set her curtains alight with those so worries me a bit with draughts) this too shall pass PS do the charity recycle mental health. or is it people with experience of mental health issues who are also interested in environmental things? or something i haven't thought of. I liked the first one xx
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jan 19, 2016 22:43:49 GMT
Thanks as usual contrarymaryI'd love a bath, but no hot water. The fireplace, which I'm assured has never been used, but has been swept, has been a lifesaver! I'd got logs etc as I'm getting a woodburner installed next week, so tried the 'pretty' repro fireplace and it's working! I might not get so much when I sell it, but it's something, even if the house is a bit smokey and my eyes sting. I have hot water bottle, loads of layers and blankets (and if you've read my thread on pressure, you'll know that I actually quite like it) It would be good to recycle mental health, wouldn't it? They sell second-hand furniture and provide support, voluntary work, gardening and woodworking workshops. I like that it isn't a 'theraputic' setting. And it's quite male.
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Post by manson88 on Jan 19, 2016 23:44:27 GMT
vagueandrandom When someone has purpose everything else follows! Hope you get sorted quickly.!
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Post by smogz101 on Jan 28, 2016 10:56:25 GMT
Glad your in your new place now vagueandrandom ! Our boiler is also broken so can sympathise with you about the cold! Hope you get it sorted
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jan 28, 2016 13:30:02 GMT
I'd kind of forgotten about the diary for a bit - thanks for reminding me! smogz101So what's my news? Boiler fixed and woodburner installed, even though the weather's gone warm again. After the drama of my new GP refusing to prescribe concerta, I had the next drama of going back to the surgery and refusing to leave until something was done and, long story short. . got meds I'm still not sure who/where I've been referred to. I'm going to book an appt with a different doctor to discuss it and the possibility of getting some occupational therapy too because I managed to dislocate my 'good' shoulder while parking my new car, so now too scared to drive again, or do anything too physical until it heals. I've joined the gym, but don't have induction until Monday, so I'm taking it easy for a couple of days and I'll go to a Pilates class tonight. My new house is lovely and I'm starting to get it into a bit of order. I'll take a bit of time to decorate and I like doing it. I hope my shoulders will let me! Now all I have to do is make some friends, get a social life and get a job - easy! I went to the charity MH support group yesterday where the relaxation exercise wound me up because I was uncomfortable on the chair, the 'hippy music' was too loud and there were too many other distractions in the room. But I don't need it because I've now got my dark den set up in the spare room. I hung around in the charity shop for a bit afterwards because I'm really craving company and conversation at the moment. . Couldn't sleep last night - got into listening to music and couldn't stop - so have done NOTHING today except drink coffee and disappear into the internet. I'm now giving myself a kick up the arse!
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 3, 2016 18:08:25 GMT
A few flat days. . .not got much done. . . Pulled myself together enough to get back in the car and drive. . and it was fine. . I'm still doing a lot of walking because I'm not used to having a car yet. My pedometer says that I walked 8 miles today! It helps me think. Did gym induction and another Pilates class. Went to community meeting and contributed. Didn't make any friends. Last of the charity support group today. One of them wants to meet for coffee and a chat. I'm immediately defensive. Managed to defer until next week. Quite paranoid today. I went for assessment for MH services today. Felt judged. Felt a fraud. Felt that I didn't express properly how my depression and lack of a social life is connected to my late ADHD dx and lack of support. Had to fill in one of those mood questionnaires, which seem to consist mainly of some of my ADHD traits, so will always score highly. Disappeared inside my head.
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bonji
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 21
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Post by bonji on Feb 4, 2016 22:56:37 GMT
HI Vague and random. I really sympathise with your situation,it sounds as if you have a lot on your plate. I have read the whole of your diary which is unusual for me. You're writing style is very engaging. I hate how some members of the mental health services try and pigeon hole us, I think sometimes they need to be snapped out of the diagnosis routine they seem to be set in. I am going through the same process and have found that sometimes it helps to be blunt. Depression and anxiety are symptoms of a problem in our case and they need to be reminded of that. You come across as a very strong person so I'm sure you will have every thing sorted soon.dont give up and try not to let them grind you down.BTW...I'm very jealous that you have a log burner iv wanted one for ages.thank you for all your support on my threads you really have helped me
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 5, 2016 0:51:19 GMT
Thanks bonji you're my new best friend (for 5 minutes - ha!) The log burner's fab! I'm going to keep it going until it's really too warm to justify it! Love fire! Take care, and thanks for the reply x
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 5, 2016 16:48:19 GMT
I've been stuck in my bedroom a lot this week. Today I managed to get out into other rooms and do some unpacking, putting away, cleaning and washing clothes! I could have done a lot more, but feel that every little bit is an achievement! The counselling place called a few times, but I didn't answer because the number was withheld. Then a text saying I should contact them for an appointment. Of course, just the thought of making a phonecall made me panic and feel sick, so I emailed them asking if I could arrange an appointment that way and they were fine! So I'm seeing someone on Tuesday afternoon. I don't know how helpful it will be, but I'll be in the system. Meant to go to the gym. but I'm stiff from last night's Pilates and on a roll here (coffee break) but I'll try to do some physio for my shoulders and maybe get on the rower. Got a new sleep app because I think I've been sleepwalking, but managed to turn it off about 4am. I'll try again tonight. Must get on!
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 5, 2016 20:21:19 GMT
I've recently really noticed my meds wearing off in the evening.
It's happening now, as I sit in front of the fire.
Restless, twitchy, I'm trying to watch TV and can't concentrate because my mind's racing - I have too many thoughts and none of them stick.
I want to go out dancing and stay out all night!
Where was this energy earlier when I needed it for doing housework? . . . medicated.
I'm on the cusp of stopping the meds again. I want to own my own mind and not dread the nighttime because I know I'll not sleep with the thoughts and the energy.
I don't like the contrast. I don't like being 2 different people. Maybe I should take meds at night.
I hope the list to see a consultant's not too long.
And now here come the tears from nowhere!!!! FFS!!!
I hate it.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 6, 2016 9:52:33 GMT
New sleep app. . .hmmm. . .this one has motion and sound recording. . . but, like the other ones I've used, it presumes that if you're lying down and not moving excessively that you're asleep. My activity level for the first hour or so registered as being in light sleep, but I know I was awake. . the sound recording had me saying 'bollocks' at around 2.30am which I remember saying because I still couldn't get to sleep. . is there a sleep tracker that can tell if you're asleep and not just in bed? Lots of movement between 3.30 and 5am. Woke and up at 7.30. . . shattered - again
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Post by contrarymary on Feb 6, 2016 15:17:25 GMT
not *liking* that you didn't sleep well, but the "bollocks"
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Post by smogz101 on Feb 7, 2016 15:44:28 GMT
I wonder whether it would be worth you asking for a top up dose of meds in the evening? That way you might be able to fall asleep before they wear off meaning that you wouldn't be going into 'over-think' mode? Just a thought, not sure if it would work
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 7, 2016 16:57:08 GMT
I wonder whether it would be worth you asking for a top up dose of meds in the evening? That way you might be able to fall asleep before they wear off meaning that you wouldn't be going into 'over-think' mode? Just a thought, not sure if it would work I'd love to, or to change meds, or try melatonin. . .but I've moved cities and my new GP's reluctant to even write me my current prescription and I'm back on the waiting list roundabout to see a new specialist. . . My latest experiment is, instead of avoiding caffiene in the evening, to actively drink it
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 8, 2016 18:59:24 GMT
I've been sorting out a box of old paperwork and found a few more notebooks and I've been struck by how my sense of self and and feelings of being 'alien'
'all or nothing', 'too needy' , too sensitive and emotional and reactive and not understanding others and never being good enough remain the same.
I could have written some of it last week. The notebooks are from 1998 and I have others from when I was a teenager that are the same too.
Some of it was quite upsetting to read: letters to friends/partners that I never sent. . .poetry, angry rants. . .
I'm sad for my younger self and sad that no-one picked up that my depression wasn't reactive. . it's the way I AM that's depressing me. .
And the way I am is coloured by adhd. I'm trying to work out how I can become a happier person and to live 'with' it instead of being confused by myself.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 9, 2016 11:38:33 GMT
Today. . .back to my problems sleeping. . .
I've been using sleepbot on my phone for the past 5 nights.
I turned it off after 3 1/2hours on the first night, so the remaining 4 nights my average sleep has been around 6 hours.
BUT it thinks I'm asleep when I'm lying down trying to get to sleep, which is why I'm trying this because the tracker on my pebble doesn't give a movement graph
(there's probably an app for it, but the screen's really small). The movement and sound graphs show that I'm just as wriggly as I thought I was!
I'm taking the movement for 'light sleep' for the first hour or so of being in bed as me trying to get to sleep.
I then seem to wake up frequently between 4 and 5am regardless of when I went to bed, which I knew already and usually wake properly between 6 and 7.
Then, because I'm not working at the moment and not getting enough sleep, I lie in bed listening to the radio until about 9am when I get up for coffee.
I don't seem to have been sleepwalking, which is good, because it scares me.
I really need to get more sleep!
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Post by smogz101 on Feb 9, 2016 17:43:16 GMT
Ah yes sorry, i forgot you were having problems with the docs! It really is frustrating isn't it, when you know your tired but just can't switch off! I am exactly the same, wake up from 3-6ish loads and then when my alarm goes of at 7 I feel like I could sleep a few more hours! Have you considered looking into buying a weighted blanket? I've heard they really help some people. Also, to record sleep I've heard of the fit-bits being quite good for that, although they're pretty pricy! Heres the link if your interested: www.fitbit.com/uk/flex
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 10, 2016 13:14:45 GMT
Hi smogz101 I have a pebble watch which is a bit like a fitbit, but with a watch and you can set calender alerts and alarms and see texts and emails without having to find your phone - I love it! It has a basic sleep app which gives length of lying down (not sleep) and periods of deep sleep (no movement at all) and there's apps that you can get for sound and movement, but you can only see them on the watch ie: not very big screen. It has an app which reads your pulse, so it must be possible to find one that can work out when you're actually sleeping, not just lying down fairly still. I have a weighted blanket, which is lovely, but I often kick it off and it can make me too hot in the mornings. As you can tell, I'm on a hyperfocus with this at the moment
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 10, 2016 13:59:52 GMT
BIG IMPORTANT POST!I had my first appointment with my new counsellor/therapist yesterday. I wasn't expecting much tbh. It's NHS, but provided by a private company, which makes me a bit uncomfortable as a big leftie. When they gave me the option of choosing the gender of therapist, I thought I'd go full on and say that I'd prefer to see someone who at least has a little understanding of ADHD. So I turned up early for my appointment and the place is a bit like a hotel, rather than a clinic, which is nice (although I'd forgotten the room number by the time I got out of the lift) and saw a man who brought up ADHD almost straight away and we talked about my mood and what I'd like to achieve. . . and I explained how important it will be for me to look at my MH issues in the light of my ADHD because I've had years of therapies and my problems remain the same as when I was a teenager and he seemed quite understanding. I liked the slight knowing smile he had when I said that I'd had a bad experience with CBT as I find it stupid And I thought that I should tell him about my self-awareness and that I *know* that I over-react, say inappropriate things etc etc but can't do anything about it. I often have problems in a therapy setting which can be my mind completely going blank and losing the power of speech and thought (not helpful) or feeling judged and patronised (which is why I chose a man because I get that feeling more from women therapists) and I get defensive and angry. The only slightly ikky thing was that he really seemed quite pleased when I cried. . .and he referred to my inner child as 'she' which really made me uncomfortable and irritated and I explained that I saw my inner child as a boy or neutral and he still called it 'she'. . I may have to ask him to use gender neutral pronouns in future. Anyway, we also talked about dissociation and not fitting in and memory, work, my family and relationships. . .and it was good. I felt reasonably comfortable talking in the end (there'd been some very long silences which turned into me drifting away and having to consciously pull myself back) and they offer a session a week for 6 - 12 months!!!!!!!!!!! WOW!!!!!!!! I may actually get something out of this one
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Post by contrarymary on Feb 10, 2016 14:02:01 GMT
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 11, 2016 13:03:38 GMT
I seem to have become a God! When did that happen? This is when you need the Shoutbox because this isn't really a post
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