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Post by Hells Bells on Oct 13, 2015 8:49:54 GMT
Hi there,
I have been with my partner for 6 years and we are very happy together and have a 16 mth old daughter.
There are some traits of behaviour that whilst I find frustrating, I also feel there could be underlying causes. I had been doing a bit of research into dyspraxia but it didn't sit right. It was only when I was looking at some ADHD literature at work that things started falling into place. His main traits are forgetfullness, lateness and misplacing things (this has a massive impact on his work and organising childcare for our daughter) but a lot of the social symptoms ring true as well. concentrating on a conversation is very hard and he gets easily distracted and appears to be ignoring people. I have to say his name and make sure I have eye contact if I need to tell him somehting important or remind him of something important he needs to do. He finds it hard to follow conversation and take his turn, often interupting and butting in, where it's not always appropriate. He doesn't always read people very well either. e.g. he may continue taking the mick out of someone when they are obviously feeling uncomfortable but he doesn't notice. He is a kind person and would be upset if he thought he was upsetting people.
I think my main question is, if he is unaware that there is a problem and he is happy with the way he does things, do I bring it up? I think there are things I would like to know more about but forums like this would be a great help in how I can manage my feelings about his behaviour. I feel anxious about bringing it up in case he thinks I am telling him there is something wrong with him. But, there may be things we could do/learn about that might really help us both?? Don't know what to do!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2015 9:00:47 GMT
That's a tricky one.
I'd maybe leave some print outs or leaflets lying around the house.
They may ask "whats this?"
You could say you are worried about a friend and think they have these symptoms.
Then see if partner Identifies.
Maybe best to be honest actually.
It's so difficult.
If you can, arrange a quiet time for you both to chat, bring it up then.
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mike
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Post by mike on Oct 13, 2015 14:13:04 GMT
hi, hells bells roll back 4 months and he could be me. my wife suggested it to me sitting in my camper in the pouring devon rain. the next 24hrs for me was overwhelming to say the least,lots of people say its an epiphany moment i can truly say it is! its tough to hear it,its tough to learn about it and how it might affect you and your relationship,its tough going through the nhs hoop show circus or psycheing up for a private diagnosis (what i did) infact its tough all the way! but i am glad im now stuck into the process.finally i see a chink of hope of being able to progress in a life more structured and less overwhelming. i have no resentment for my wife suggesting it. its become blatantly obvious to me just how much ive affected her and our relationship with my ways. unfortunately for me its come about just a little too late, she's become someone other than the person i wanted to be with through no fault of her own and as a direct consequence to my then undiagnosed adhd. i would be gutted to hear of another relationship going the way mine has especially if my opinion might of helped! so to answer your question of do you bring it up,id say you need to reflect firstly on how he affects you and are you happy with that? are you happy to continue on living with things being just the same? could you change your expectations of him to appease him? your probably saying yes to these things because you love him? but theres a bit of you that thinks no actually i deserve a bit better than this? alec77 summed it up pretty good "maybe best to be honest", with yourself and your own needs and then honest with him good luck
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Post by rightyo on Oct 19, 2015 22:52:02 GMT
'We never free a mind past a certain age...' I lost a few good mate from taking the mick too many times. I used to become completely caught up in hysterical laughter I was blind to the damage I caused. There's many fors and againsts here but the overriding FOR is your kid. I can guarantee he doesn't want that kid having the difficulties he's had to put up with all his life. It's not complete blight either. ADHD is rather cool once you know how it's been steering your life. It can allow you to start taking a small bit of control back. Control you never knew was even possible
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badgerfox
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Post by badgerfox on Oct 24, 2015 16:00:18 GMT
I suppose you must consider the long-term consequences of potentially getting someone 'labelled' with a diagnosis, mustn't you? Of course, there IS a stigma against publicly admitting you have certain medical issues. I guess my ADHD partner and I see this as a wider issue, a kind of for-the-good-of-society issue, that people in general are too quick to be unkind and judgy about people with mental health problems, conditions or learning disabilities, so he's always been quite upfront about casually telling people he has ADHD - because he wants more people to see that it's nothing to be ashamed of. If someone rubbishes him or blames him for something not his fault or that it's 'not a real disorder', then that's their problem. Fortunately, attitudes are changing. It can depend on your social circle, but there are certainly segments of society where they'd never dream of saying someone had something badly 'wrong' with them just because they had Aspergers or ADHD or Dyslexia. So that may not be as scary an issue as you'd imagine.
Plus, speaking as someone who's seen her own life saved thanks to getting her OCD diagnosed and her partner's life transformed thanks to getting his ADHD finally properly treated, a 'label' isn't always such a bad thing. You don't have to hide behind it or use it as an excuse to get away with bad behaviour (though a few people do). We certainly don't. It doesn't mean your life is over because you are now 'A Crazy Person'(TM) forever! A label is just a way of describing your particular type of brain, so you know very specifically what kinds of methods, therapies, medications, self-care, nutrition etc you might need to help you do your best. So maybe it would help to try it see it in those terms? How does your partner generally feel about, for example, family members or friends who've had mental illnesses or learning disabilities? (does he know anybody this has happened to?) Gauging how he talks about these cases might help you gauge how he'd feel about possibly being in this category himself.
But it is only a 'possibly', after all. If you see a doctor for a diagnosis and the doctor says there's nothing wrong after all, it was only a false alarm (and the symptoms don't sound that extreme, to be honest).
On par, I would say you should try and bring it up, tactfully, and consider seeing a doctor who knows about ADHD. Self-diagnosis is obviously not a good idea. The 'pros' of learning new specific techniques to help manage daily life just seem a lot bigger than the 'cons' of potentially having a stigmatised label. It can be really life-changing to realise that there's a name for why you're not as good at certain things as you'd like to be, and realising you're not alone can feel really positive. He might secretly feel that way, even if outwardly he doesn't seem to consider it a problem. My partner went decades on zero medication, not even trying to do anything to manage the disorder, and if you'd asked him, he'd have said "Sure, I probably still have it, but ADHD isn't really a real problem; I'm just the way I am and I'm fine being forgetful and unmotivated, whatever!". But he feels about a hundred times better now he's started tackling it like a real issue.
I can see what you mean about not wanting to imply there's 'something wrong' with him, but maybe if you just frame it in a really loving way, like a normal way of looking out for someone's health, just as you would if someone had symptoms of a physical illness: 'I stumbled across this list of symptoms online the other day and I thought maybe you might take a look, because you were just saying the other say you'd been feeling a bit [x], and you did [x] thing?' Use humour if it helps too, it can take the sting out of it.
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Post by contrarymary on Oct 24, 2015 17:53:33 GMT
hi badgerfox & welcome to the forum just a quickie to say that many of us struggle with big paragraphs, which appear to us like an impermeable wall of text. if you are able to post in shorter paragraphs it will make your posts more accessible (and you'll get more replies) thank you
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2015 21:43:25 GMT
I have kinda lost the plot on this and many threads However I think the danger is hyperfocusing on whatever label ya got Don't It is what it is Take on what you can, dismiss what you can't Take each day on it's merits accept yourself and educate others those who don't or can't accept the education can't be taught, accept this also Don't let it rule your lifes Learn, adapt, LIVE Peace
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