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Post by aetheling on Nov 9, 2015 20:21:03 GMT
I just wanted to make this because I have a lot I should do and I'm just not doing it, hopefully by putting it out there I'll get off my lazy ass and do something >_<
Only it's not lazy, I'm really freaking worried. I hate talking to strangers on the phone. Just the other day BT rang, I immediately thought he was trying to con me, forgot that I had a choice in the matter and froze then hang up - much to my partner's frustration as he heard the BT man saying he wanted to offer us a deal.
We had a good laugh afterwards at my brain fart.
I need to, Phone the electricity company and get our key metre changed to a monthly bill - I just don't even know where to start with that, except phone a stranger. Phone some people about sending my partner's P45 - they forgot, then sent the wrong thing. I have two 8 page essays and like a 10 page introduction to my dissertation to write like soon and I've not started. I need to arrange my dog at my parent's who is lonely to meet up with a friend's puppy, and I want to meet their new neighbours as they have a little dog and my dog having lost our other dog, her sister a year ago is super lonely, so I'm putting pressure on myself to be socially organised for her sake. There are all these other little things I have to do too.
I think there are three problems I need to deal with to start doing things.
The first is that my family are all swamped with things to do and they have no time to do things so if it remotely involves or would benefit me to be done I have to do it. Although if it stresses me out hugely someone usually comes to my rescue. But that's like tearing my hair out and hiding under my covers for a week sort of stress, and that's not fair on anyone else.
I don't want to be at uni so I don't attend uni as such, I just work independently at home without the uni being aware I do that, I'm treated like I'm not at uni at all. Like my things have to take a back seat because they aren't as important as people's jobs. Which I totally get, because that's income and important but sometimes I can't vent because it's not the right time and it's less important and then so much has or rather hasn't happened that it's too much to talk about and keeps me up at night until I have a massive hissy fit throwing and shouting and stomping round until I feel better.
And to add to that! I feel like someone is going to catch me out any moment and be like, "you're not supposed to be here." or that I've not earned it and don't deserve it. It gives me such bad anxiety, if I cared too much I'd have several panic attacks a week. So instead I repress and procrastinate from everything.
Then the final problem is that I don't do anything worthwhile! I'm so fed up of living for the future, all my plans and success have somehow become pinned on money because I've learned to be so materialistic, this pretty item for my home will make me feel better when I see it, this new bit of makeup will be fun to use, these new clothes or hair stuff or some bloody shoes I wont wear or whatever else I try and find to make me happy - is only really short lived, can't take it with me, on my death bed I wont think "yes, those dragon heads above my fireplace were brilliant".
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Post by aetheling on Nov 9, 2015 20:32:31 GMT
Now I just need to find a way to stop being a bum and do these things that need to be done >_<
I was trying to have a routine of shower then makeup then hair then chill then eat then do something that needs to be done. But how do other people go from forcing it every morning when you really don't want to to just doing it like it's routine?
What the hell even is a routine!? It's like some word everyone ever has acted like it exists, but I'm not so sure it does exist. -.-
Anyway, I should probably get into a routine and you know, do stuff. Hopefully writing it out and admitting I'm not doing anything I'm supposed to will kick me up the arse.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 10, 2015 9:21:20 GMT
Hi aetheling I've found it really helpful to empty the contents of my brain into my diary here. Just writing it down helps to order my thoughts. I'm always scared of being found out. What the hell is it with the phone thing? I've spoken about this before and it's surprising how many of us ADHDers have real problems. Anyway, keep writing
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Post by aetheling on Nov 10, 2015 12:20:34 GMT
Hi aetheling I've found it really helpful to empty the contents of my brain into my diary here. Just writing it down helps to order my thoughts. I'm always scared of being found out. What the hell is it with the phone thing? I've spoken about this before and it's surprising how many of us ADHDers have real problems. Anyway, keep writing Thank you =) The phone thing feels ridiculous, I have no way to explain it, I'm just glad it's not just me, haha.
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Post by aetheling on Nov 10, 2015 12:58:41 GMT
This morning I did my partners lunch and sorted his work bag and then went back to bed for a few hours hoping that I'd wake up feeling more alive. I did and I actually made breakfast and a cup of tea almost straight away and I'm now giving myself some time to chill.
I think he might quit today, he hates it and it's not for him, we agreed it'd be a shame if he were to quit before christmas because he's booked time off so that he does 3 and 4 day weeks instead of a 5 day week, which I think would help him a lot. But I did tell him I don't care about the money side of things, we've lived off my student loans, his housing benefit and some relief from my parents for nearly a year and it wasn't so bad. We don't get to particularly do anything that costs money, but we can afford nice food, petrol, to go on walks, and video games when they come out and my parents help out if something important breaks. Although I know he is worried about going back to less money, we had started looking at a holiday and the sort of computer he could get, all the things he didn't get coming from his background. He was quite proud that his first job was full time and more per hour than what his mum achieved, as long as I've known him which feels like forever, he's wanted to do better for himself.
I also hate when people complain about the unemployed like it'll never happen to them, that puts my P off quitting and going back to unemployed (even though he has a good reason to go on ESA) because he felt like people had such an opinion on him and his life before. IMO, it's a sour way for people to live and they should perhaps try and learn a little empathy >=[
Ugh, I don't think I can phone someone up today but I can start doing some uni work and talk to my driving instructor. She texts which is wonderful, although it gives me time to lose my phone between arranging time and day -_-
My friend has started playing WoW again so I think I will too - my hope is that the reward system in game will give me enough positivity and achievement to kickstart that in my real life. So I do blah quest or get to blah level and then I go do something like hang our clean clothes up or do the dishwasher or hoover, or write an introduction for an essay.
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Post by aetheling on Nov 10, 2015 13:02:49 GMT
Wow this does feel good to just blah =')
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Post by aetheling on Nov 10, 2015 13:13:49 GMT
I've been thinking about a complete shift in direction lately.
I hate uni, I hate my psych degree, I wanted to help people, become a primary school teacher and help children, an educational psychologist to help people so they can have a better education and hopefully better quality of life.
But lately, hmmmm...
I'm super into politics and I have incredibly strong opinions, there isn't a lot I don't know about it and I can get obsessed, about world news, world politics, UK politics, all the consequences of everything. The only things I openly admit with politics is I have always struggled to get my head around economy.
I think I have a long way to go with politics, while I have a better understanding and general knowledge than the average person, that still doesn't say a great deal. Mind you, some of the decisions people in government have made I do wonder if their knowledge or ability to listen to people with the knowledge is worse than the average person by an incredible amount.
I'm not saying I'd necessarily join a political party, I have been torturing myself with this for weeks now, but perhaps a political commentator or journalist. I basically live my life tormented by my empathy. Sometimes I can't sleep because I think about all the lonely elderly people out there, I'm not one to judge them for the life they led, I just want to ease pain. And it doesn't take a genius to work out that we would have less people claiming ESA for mental health problems, if we put more funding into the NHS for mental health. What they currently offer is a joke. And judging by how frequently David Cameron makes jokes instead of discussing refugee orphans seriously, or without some of his party laughing at the poor, it is actually a joke.
So sometimes, I want to pack what I'm doing in and go in another direction.
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Post by smogz101 on Nov 10, 2015 19:36:29 GMT
Hi aetheling ... how far into your degree are you? is it too late to change course? Im the same with changing direction... wanted to be a paramedic, went to the uni open day and ended up doing a PE degree! Finished my degree, spent 2 years working as a TA and part time in a sports shop whilst i figured out, do I want to do primary teaching or secondary... went to uni open day.... occupational therapy caught my eye! now studying to be an OT and loving it. All complete shifts in direction but they've worked for me thank god! Of course I wish i'd just decided on OT in the first place, but suppose I've gained a bit more life experience which i wouldn't have had at 18. Sometimes a different direction is good! However it might be worthwhile sticking at, especially if you still want to be an educational psychologist... sometimes just got to look at uni as hoops to jump through to get there
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Post by aetheling on Nov 11, 2015 16:06:55 GMT
Hi aetheling ... how far into your degree are you? is it too late to change course? Im the same with changing direction... wanted to be a paramedic, went to the uni open day and ended up doing a PE degree! Finished my degree, spent 2 years working as a TA and part time in a sports shop whilst i figured out, do I want to do primary teaching or secondary... went to uni open day.... occupational therapy caught my eye! now studying to be an OT and loving it. All complete shifts in direction but they've worked for me thank god! Of course I wish i'd just decided on OT in the first place, but suppose I've gained a bit more life experience which i wouldn't have had at 18. Sometimes a different direction is good! However it might be worthwhile sticking at, especially if you still want to be an educational psychologist... sometimes just got to look at uni as hoops to jump through to get there (I don't know how to tag names) I'm in my 3rd year so I'm feeling like it would be too late, haha. That's a lot of switching! Are you happy with where you are now? I don't know if I do or not -.- I think I might continue this year like I am and apply for the PGCE teaching, then if I want I can just not accept when the time comes and go do something else, that's the smartest thing to do I suppose but it makes me kind of miserable having to continue -.- haha
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Post by aetheling on Nov 11, 2015 16:19:24 GMT
I can tick one thing possibley two things off my list =')
My friend phoned me for a chat and, although there was one awkward moment in which we both realized she had said something she probably instantly regretted, so in a panic and distracted by my game on screen there was a long awkward silence before I blurted out "It really fucks me off... Not you, or what you did, I mean it fucks me off that you have to do that. That that happens, fucks me off... I've done something similar too.". This did however help me to get on the phone just now, to strangers.
I saw it was getting late and I was sooo cold because I have like no clean clothes because I forgot to send my dad back with some to wash for us (ours is broken) and then I kept forgetting to ask him to bring over this stuff for the heaters so now I'm sat here in several odd layers including my partners pj shirt and boxers. So I decided to make a cup of tea when it dawned on me P made me write down a to do list last night and he'd be home in a few hours so I looked at it and just thought "Fuck it, yes."
But technically my original list still stands because I forgot to put these things on -.-
Baby steps >_<
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Post by smogz101 on Nov 13, 2015 9:57:02 GMT
Sounds like a plan! Not long now, I'm assuming you finish around May time? Last few hurdles to jump.... you can do it! I remember how difficult my final year was. Its difficult for everyone, never mind having ADHD on top, just keep reminding yourself of how far you have come.
I'm happy i've made the right career choice... but not necessarily happy where I am now. Also finding uni difficult, but it's something that has to be done to get to where I want to be! Just taking one day at a time at the moment!
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Post by aetheling on Nov 19, 2015 8:52:49 GMT
Thank you! It really helps to be reminded that I'm nearly there =') haha
What is it you're not happy with?
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Post by aetheling on Nov 19, 2015 13:28:13 GMT
I cleaned some of the house yesterday and did some Christmas shopping. I only ever want to do the fun things or the things that have a direct reward though -.-
That experiment where the children were told you can have this one marshmallow now, or if you can sit here and wait for blah amount of time, without eating that marshmallow, you can have two, and the children who didn't wait for two were more likely to get divorced and not be successful in life,
I always thought I was the kid who'd wait for two, because in video games I can make long term plans and wait for the reward, but that's probably because the game is fun enough to wait for the reward.
Life is so bland that I can't in real life wait, I just need instant gratification allll the time at the moment. I need that marshmallow now! And it means that I go "yeah, I do want that pink wig" and then barely wear it! Because I wanted it, now I have it, it's like, now what, I guess effort to put it on, oh well. I do that with everything though! I really wanted WoW and now I can take it or leave it now I've had it a bit -.-
I'm so done with living for the future that I just want to scream and flail around like a mad person. Who thought this is how people should live!? Like seriously, which people decided that the world should be filled with order like this!
Right now, I read journalists who have probably gone to uni, and they're atrocious and genuinely give a bad name to journalism, I know people who have the skills to be a journalist who did not study for it, they just get it, and yet they have less of a chance of getting their foot in the door!?
I wanted a holiday but I can't make up my mind where to go. And I look at it and I'm like, will it really be that amazing though. Like nordic countries, they're amazing, but I look and I'm like, oh yeah, another building, oh yeah another lake. nice as they may be, can I make a holiday out of looking at stuff? I love looking at beautiful views, but is it enough. Like I don't even understand those holidays where people sit by the pool and read! It makes me want to cry. I usually get through things like that by sleeping, eating, and drinking alcohol, and skyping people to tell them how miserable I am. And the sun doesn't agree with me, I got second degree burns where it leaks that water that your body produces to stop the burn or heal it or something, my partner had to wrap my legs in a wet cold towel, so much pain. Was a good day though until we got home and I realized why my legs were burning, as I had put leggings on as it got colder.
The only thing that really appealed to me was going on a trek on those things pulled by huskies, and every night you feed them and then feed yourself then go bed, and every day you go across glaciers and through mountains. Like what a fucking beautiful life, you can't get more simple and pure enjoyment and something worth effort. I'd never want to do it without my partner as the main reason I'd enjoy it would be his company in the mountains with the dogs and your safe because you're with a group but he was really into it too! But it's really expensive, and as my mum pointed out, we would probably never come back.
I think we really need something, I'm hoping our first christmas in the flat will do it, we have a real potted tree in my parents garden that I used to have in my bedroom when it was a twig, then it grew enormous and now it's perfect we hope ^_^ we can decorate it and decorate the flat and buy nice stuff to eat and drink, like slow cook hot chocolate, and me and a friend are planning on making ginger bread houses, and we can have chocolate, and Irish Cream and all of that sort of thing.
We even have an oil burner, we're going to buy candles and lanterns.
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Post by aetheling on Nov 19, 2015 22:19:13 GMT
Urgh, Christmas stress >_<
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Post by aetheling on Dec 2, 2015 14:13:53 GMT
Just read that original list, still not actually sorted anything on it.
The council sent us two warning letters about late payments for council tax but we've actually paid the day we receive the letters and now we can't pay in installments, just in one big chunk.
They sent the last one threatening court action if it wasn't paid by the 1st... We received the letter on the 1st, and we paid it, a whole big chunk of it. It's ridiculous, I think they're just scroungers.
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Post by aetheling on Dec 7, 2015 9:10:04 GMT
I think stress is starting to get to me, I could handle all the actual stressful things to an extent, but when I have to have nasty people in my life upsetting the people I love... Last night I got so angry that I went dizzy and my fingers went numb and my toes and feet kept cramping, I looked at what that could be online and among a lot of unlikely illnesses I saw anxiety. The adrenaline from the anger probably just contributed to the anxiety. I woke up so many times last night and now I still feel cross and it's still unresolved and I'm fighting urges to publicly shame them for their nastiness so they don't think they can keep getting away with it - there needs to be some backlash for purposefully hurting people.
Anyway, I barely slept as I kept waking up and that made me more frustrated, and I did not wake up fresh, I woke up just as seething as I was when I went to bed.
I thought I was getting a handle on my anger and temper, but I think it's just making me unwell. There's all this risidual anger I have towards someone we may or may not be seeing on christmas because my partner doesn't want to hurt their feelings by not, but they've been so cold and think that just saying sorry is enough to make up for all sorts of things that actually, it does not cut it, you have to make a conscious effort to build back a relationship after damaging it - sorry means shit if you'd do it over and over again.
If your sibling is just a horrid spiteful manipulative person (not talking about my sibling) and eventually you have enough of their toxic way, but all the other siblings that get it less are still okay to put up with it because, while they can see it's horrid for one or two of them, it's not happening to them so, to continue their harmony and their peace they wont step in and stop it in case they become the next target. So it just continues.
What's that saying
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
That is why I always step in when I see someone bullying, because it is my responsibility as a witness to do something. My anger is a bit like a protective shield because I lose any social fear, if I'm really anxious about leaving the house I'll let something get me a bit angry and then I can usually do it like, yeah I can take on the world >=[ but that's quite draining because my emotions are still really heightened.
In this circumstance, I'm just dizzy and breathless, the numbness and cramping comes and goes, but even as I write this I'm getting a very mild foot cramp.
I don't know how to sort the problem out of my aunt being nasty to my dad just because she can. He's the most selfless and generous person I know, he always puts his own emotions to one side, he always helps people emotionally, physically and financially.
I feel she set him up by telling him not to come and do something at the weekend because her and her husband had it handled, but the other siblings who expected him there somehow had no idea he was told not to come and are now pissed that they had to do it on their own without him... Funny how she didn't tell them she told him not to come or correct them when he didn't turn up the next day. Then she decides to send a nasty as fuck email even using his own marriage against him saying my mum would agree with her and called him a hoarder and that she has a problem with all these things, but then saying that my mum can't have an opinion on some other things she assumed my mum had said because she's not part of the family - just a spouse. My mum was fucking livid, my dad was really upset.
I just... I really cannot take it. I'm probably going to be kicked out of uni as I've still not done my work, and I literally can barely function, I think I've got my shit together one day and then the next it goes to shit. The last thing I need is that crazy mofo causing problems and manipulating and being a total bitch areshole cunt.
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Post by aetheling on Dec 7, 2015 11:21:31 GMT
In fact she did more than tell him not to come she made him feel unwelcome and that they were going to have a problem if he did go. It's like it was completely calculated from the beginning.
Anyway, this woman causes so much unnecessary grief and I don't trust her as far as I can throw her, and at the moment it's relentless upset
I think it's all gone too far and now instead of lashing out when I get angry I get dizzy and faint. Between the drama from my dad's siblings, the drama with my partner's family...
I think I will start looking up all the vitamins I might be deficient in too, my partner found Alcar or something that he thinks would be good for my ADHD, or at least worth a try, for the adrenaline I feel like I need a bloody tranquilizer. I saw I might be deficient in B12, I am pale and I do shake and a few other things. I think I should start taking some iron, and anything that helps with low energy.
It's difficult because I feel like I need a tranquilizer for the adrenaline and stress and anxiety, but I'm so low in energy. But I can't have coffee or any caffeine to perk me up because I will be shaking and get palpitations, be either laughing or crying manically and I will be unable to sit, I will start doing work out videos for fun but not what I actually am supposed to be doing. And of course the anxiety it causes.
Anyway, something has to change because I'm a bit of a mess most of the time.
I'm going to watch the BBC Pride and Prejudice, every episode, and then do some uni work. Pride and Prejudice always makes me feel better. I always think my partner is a bit like Mr Darcy, slightly more socially able because it is quite extreme with him, but similar (in a good way, I love those parts of him). And have a cup of tea. And eat. And try to relax. I wish I knew how to meditate.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Dec 7, 2015 16:07:34 GMT
Your aunt sounds like my sister. I hope Pride and Prejudice does the trick
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Post by aetheling on Dec 8, 2015 12:01:06 GMT
It did =) haha,
How do you deal with you sister? My dad's quite exhausted from it all, he fell asleep on the phone to me last night as he'd barely slept and usually he doesn't come home until a lot later from work as he does extra hours, and I had just been blabbing on about christmas and not realized until my mum walked in and I heard her ask him why he was holding the phone and then he sort of gasped and woke up, haha.
Definitely his youngest sister has jumped to his defence, they're particularly close though, and his older brother has also, so hopefully that's enough for her to not think she can get away with it again ¬¬
My mum may still phone her up to tell her it's unacceptable and sort her out. She's burning bridges with people like me and my mum, and everyone else including my dad may forgive her, but she'll never be as welcome.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Dec 8, 2015 18:57:21 GMT
It's very difficult dealing with my sister. My mum said about 5 years ago that she wouldn't have her to stay over xmas again as she's selfish and shows no respect.
For 3 years we went to her house and stayed in a hotel, so we wouldn't be stuck there, but she didn't make much of an effort and made me cry every time.
The thing is that she has the grandchild.
She's taught the child to hate me and has created a mini-me spoiled brat who's a selective mute, so hasn't spoken to my parents or me for 7 years.
It came to a head last October when she upset me so much that I said that I'd rather spend xmas alone than with her.
My mum agreed, but didn't have to tell her not to come as she announced that she'd be spending it with her new boyfriend.
We didn't speak for a year. They actively ignore me and look at screens, or tell me what a lazy failure I am.
I think the best thing is to stay away.
I've never really liked Xmas as my birthday's only a week before and everyone forgets.
I haven't bought anything yet. It'll be over soon.
I hope you can work something out.
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Post by aetheling on Dec 9, 2015 15:41:27 GMT
Staying away does sound like the best thing, how can people be so horrible and not mind?
The chances are one day your niece will see her mum's flaws and be on better terms with the rest of you, she could always turn out exactly like her mum though =/
I usually love celebrating anything, I'm one of those annoying people who loves to go all out, but in recent years it's too exhausting rounding everyone else up, being the only person not working full time or capable of making decisions and spending money. I get nightmares about getting my hopes up and it's just a terrible day or someone gets too drunk or nasty and everything just falls to shit, I surprisingly hate not having things prepared when it's important to me, like if I need a dress and new shoes to go with it for an occasion I buy it in advance so I don't have a last minute panic because it's important to me, so I like to have christmas sorted in November because for people working full time there are only 8 days in December to do it!
I don't even have an outfit sorted which sounds shallow but it's all part of it for me, it's like the one time I get to pretend I have shit together =')
But this year there's no tree, no presents, no decorations, no idea whats happening on the day.
I can definitely see how it would take away from your birthday =/ but for people to actually forget, that really sucks =/
I always hate when people rub their joy in others faces at Christmas time, it's a really depressing time to be depressed or lonely or feel like people don't care or you're invisible. I think it's the same with mothers and fathers days, I don't like to post on my facebook about mine because some friends were orphaned, others just have shit parents they're not in contact with, or just shit parents they're stuck with =/
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Post by aetheling on Dec 10, 2015 12:30:16 GMT
My partner left for work 4 hours ago and I've done nothing. It's one of those days where I'm sort of just waiting for his return.
I'm doing that thing where, the example I usually use is,
I go toilet, realize I need to clean it, so I put the bleach in and before I scrub it I then go look for some other cleaner to do everywhere else but just as I leave the bathroom I forget and I start making a cup of tea and put something in the grill to eat and I leave the tea to brew and then I forget I was making something in the grill so I go and sit down again and start doing something until I realise, I still need the toilet and as I'm on the toilet I smell bleach and burning, so I remember about the toilet and the grill, so I rush off to sort the burning and then see my cold cup of tea which is now cold so I remake a cup of tea, give up on eating, and go sit back down... Forgetting I've still not cleaned the toilet.
Except today instead of doing things and forgetting, I'm staring into space and clicking through the internet and losing hours!
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Post by aetheling on Dec 10, 2015 12:42:04 GMT
I think I have an internet addiction. I binge watch people's youtubes, I listen to political stuff alllll day, I read article after article about politicians and whats going on around the world.
But the world is a fucking big place.
I cannot fit all world news in a day into one day!
Especially when I'm getting distracted by click bait!
It's like that episode of south park and the school news paper and Randy is explaining why newspapers are so good because he gets so deep into clickbait in online news he never gets to his goal of what he originally wanted to read!
If I had any respect for news companies at the moment I'd totally buy newspapers. But the quality of journalism is a joke. You get people who are good but overall a news site is filled with junk with poor editing and so much bias it's like you're drowning in bias before you even see the facts.
I personally like The Independent and The Guardian, but I find they're super full of bias! And junk! As a psychology student junk science does really bother me! Most of all junk about video games and violence, THERE IS NO CONNECTION to any long term aggression and NO violence. At the time yeah, people get pissed and take their keyboard outside and hold it by the wire and smash it around and smash their head on it screaming, even the most calm person can be driven to that. But it's bullshit that it turns people violent, it's less connected with aggressive PEOPLE than watching violence on tv. Which no one seems capable of understanding. It's just sensational that someone plays a gun game and then shoots people... Which to me sounds like they just like guns and want to shoot people SO they play a shooting game.
Maybe that is my most pet peeve of junk science because I hold a grudge. My mum read some magazines too much and decided I wasn't allowed a gameboy colour and the Pokemon games, in fact because kids were getting into punch ups at school over Pokemon cards and the school banned them and my mum was a teacher there, I had to get my older friends to use my sweet money and lunch change to buy me Pokemon cards and hide them in my sock draw. I was like 6! It was a good predictor of later behaviour.
Anyway, I like the guardian and independent mostly except when they do junk stories and pander to the sea of biasness.
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Post by aetheling on Dec 11, 2015 9:08:00 GMT
Somehow I'm having one of those days where it doesn't matter how bad sleep was or that my supervisor left for christmas early so I still don't have a sorted hypothesis, it's like I've had coffee, I woke up to my partner throwing his pillow at me so panicking because I didn't know it was a pillow in the dark and he seemed to be wrestling with something on the floor =s - it was just the alarm turns out!
So I got up with him which usually I sleep in until I have to get up to make his lunch, and it was also a bad night because the people who run the business downstairs slept in the flat below and their baby woke up crying, they don't usually stay so it was an unusual noise to hear in the middle of the night.
Buuut! My friend added me to her spotify family plan so I now have it without ads and I'm never a morning person, but I'm literally listening to spotify on the ps4 bobbing around singing. I keep thinking about my diet and if I'll crash later but nothing seems different. I eat more cheese and drink more water... I feel like I've had coffee and my brain is sort of flooding with dopamine or something. I have had a lot of chocolate but it's not affected me since I was little.
I was like oh I'll try yoga, but I can't be that calm, I want to listen to la bamba and dance. I tried doing squats too but I just can't stop moving.
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Post by aetheling on Dec 29, 2015 13:47:15 GMT
Just been sat here thinking how much I plan out my life and that everything is always planned and thought about how, nothing is spontaneous and none of the big things are on impulse.
Then I realized literally every major decision in my life has been on impulse and it's like I never knew that. I make all these plans but it always comes down to the moment it's happening and I rarely follow my plans.
Anyway, It almost feels better that my life hasn't been the way it is because I planned it so, but also not because shit just happens, it's because I made decisions in the moment and in a way you have no choice sometimes and it makes me feel like I do have more control over my life and the way it's turned out, it's been because I wanted this over other options that appeared and I didn't forsee. Locus of Control. I learned about that and applied it to stuff but it's funny how you don't always connect the dots everywhere. Because thinking the way I do now is more of an internal locus of control and it's a much more hardy way of thinking about things.
Anyway, this revelation has cheered me =)
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