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Post by Mary D on Jan 4, 2016 22:46:00 GMT
Hi all,
I really love my ADHD husband. He is a wonderful person, but a couple of violent outbursts at Christmas have left me feeling very shaken and vulnerable. We have been together 27 years. He has been diagnosed for only the last six and is on medication which has helped greatly. However, anger and aggression are problems still. Although it is usually when alcohol is in the mix. Well, simple solution .... Take alcohol out of the mix. Easier said than done, although so far so good. (It's been a week.) He also has ODD (oppositional defiance disorder). I really feel like I need to talk to people that understand/can identify. I have rarely spoken to anyone about all the difficulties we've had over the years, and nor has he. It's been very hard on us both. Things have improved, but obviously there are things that we need to seriously address.
thanks all x
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2016 21:30:50 GMT
Hello and welcome. I'm really sorry you are having such a hard time. Although your husband's aggressive behaviour may be exacerbated by his ADHD condition, violent outbursts are not normal or acceptable behaviour, whether someone has ADHD or not. You are not his (physical or verbal) punchbag and you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. If you are still feeling shaken and vulnerable then please take steps to protect yourself. (Some good resources listed here on the citizens advice website:https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse-organisations-which-give-information-and-advice/) It is really positive that you recognise that this is a problem and that you are ready to talk about it. If your husband recognises that his behaviour is unacceptable,then the two of you could perhaps go to your GP and seek a referral for him, maybe with anger management for him, or whatever appropriate services are available locally. You might also want to consider couples counselling or individual counselling (including for yourself). If your partner doesn't want to talk about it himself then that's OK, there are plenty of resources available just for you to offload and think about how to move forward. You are, of course, very welcome to offload here. Something immediate that springs to mind is that alcohol and adhd medications don't mix well. Stimulants in particular will make the alcohol effect much more pronounced. I take dexamphetamine and I have realised that I just cannot drink at all, unless I (very occasionally)skip a dose of meds. For me, the meds make a single glass of wine feel like I am a teenager knocking back vodka shots, and I don't like feeling that drunk, so I just choose mainly not to drink. But this is, of course, just one factor if the aggression is a longstanding problem. Again, I am sorry you are going through this. It is not OK.
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Post by contrarymary on Jan 5, 2016 22:54:37 GMT
Hi MaryD & welcome to the forum I haven't previously come across ODD as a possible diagnosis in adults (and indeed find something strange about calling adults "defiant") and it would seem that ODD is largely used as a diagnostic label for children & adolescents rather than adults. but i did come across this by Russell Barkley which has a couple of suggestions around anger management. i hope you are able to find a helpful way forwards. good luck
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Post by tessaract on Jan 7, 2016 12:48:51 GMT
Welcome and sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. FYI I was also diagnosed with ODD as an adult. It is like an uncontrollable urge to say no to the simplest of requests. (for me) It is a bit strange being called defiant as an adult but unfortunately I cant deny it. As was already said violent outbursts are never acceptable and you both need to get on this right away. Counselling for you or both of you ASAP.
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Post by JJ on Jan 7, 2016 18:04:06 GMT
Welcome and sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. FYI I was also diagnosed with ODD as an adult. It is like an uncontrollable urge to say no to the simplest of requests. (for me) It is a bit strange being called defiant as an adult but unfortunately I cant deny it. As was already said violent outbursts are never acceptable and you both need to get on this right away. Counselling for you or both of you ASAP. From what I know (which isn't loads on this) an uncontrollable urge to say no to the simplest of requests is the defining characteristic of PDA, which is 'pathological demand avoidance' and a common comorbidity of ADHD and asd. In fact, the reason I don't know a lot about it is that I completely get that overwhelming urge to say no - even to really nice stuff - or as soon as I've made a plan,even for something I really want to do, I don't want to do it anymore - so I wanted to find out more because looking on the net, I couldn't see what the difference between PDA and ADHD was, or maybe where one stopped and the other one started, So I joined a PDA Facebook group, and, having read all the posts for a few months, I still couldn't see any difference between them in adults - though the children all seemed to have violent behaviour issues.
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Post by tessaract on Jan 7, 2016 20:31:30 GMT
It was mentioned to me before on the forum so I did a lot of research and to be honest nothing else in the symptoms/descriptions describe me at all. So I wrote that one off. The ODD diagnosis may have been a retrospective diagnosis to explain my behaviour as a child but I have never been violent or aggressive, just difficult a bit rude and unreasonable when interrupted and asked to do something simple when it interferes with my train of thought.
ODD is characterised by an unreasonable disdain for authority, ie. somebody telling me to do something whether its in a nice way or not, whether its convenient or not. Having a boss or parent or SO asking telling can cause an illogical anger.
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alien
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Post by alien on Jan 7, 2016 21:14:41 GMT
Hi Mary, I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you've been having.
I don't want to hijack your thread, but in case it's of any help (and to help clarify), PDA-related aggression is fight-or-flight anxiety-based stuff, and comes about due to panic attacks (or 'meltdowns' as some refer to them), and is a blanket-response when anxiety is high, rather than solely towards authority. The more generalised anxiety is also compounded by demands, so the more demands placed upon a person with PDA (as simple as 'would you mind passing me some water'), the more the anxiety 'bucket' gets filled up. The panic attacks happen when this overspills. (@tesseract, it was me that originally mentioned it to you, I think, as my daughter has a PDA diagnosis and some of her behaviour seemed to to chime with what you were describing).
PDA isn't a separate condition to autism, but, like Aspergers, is a way of describing a particular presentation of it. Hope that makes sense and is useful. None of the above is to say that PDA can't be comorbid with ADHD, as it generally seems to be, from what I've experienced, or ODD for that matter.
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Post by tessaract on Jan 8, 2016 0:10:48 GMT
Cheers alien, totally forgot, yeah, watched something recently on BBC I think and there was a child that had PDA, its seems like a very difficult thing to cope with and manoeuvre. maryI hope you can get some relief here and vent your frustrations, would your husband be interested in joining the forum? I could help him a lot to find so many people sharing the same frustrations..
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Post by miggled on Dec 1, 2021 10:26:37 GMT
Hi - I am a 60 year male who has never been diagnosed with ADHD but so obviously have the behaviour patterns. WIth regard the violence - my life has been littered with violent outbursts some directed at me because of my ultra irritating behaviour and some done by myself. Every incidence of violence by me was accompanied by large quantities of alcohol - so about 12 years ago i stopped drinking completely . I now look back and wish i had stopped drinking sooner. I realise that i used alcohol as a method of gettng me through social events often getting very drunk and argumentative. In a way i was enabled by a group of friends who though i was good fun - which sometimes I was. SInce stopping drinking i dont have those friends any more and social events in general I find very difficult, in anticipation of them and often during the experience. I usually try and arrange socialisation around events that have a finite time - music gigs , cinema, meals etc I have had the good fortune to have been married for 30+ years to a wonderful person who had generally been able to deal with my sometimes terrible behaviour but as she pointed out the other day - i actually worked away for nearly 15 years - so she didnt have to put with me during the week. She also is suspicious of my recent epiphany on ADHD - wondering if this is just another excuse for my beaviour. I would encourage any ADHDers who suffer from violent outburst to remove alcohol from their life as I am sure it makes it worse
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