|
Post by carly31 on Aug 16, 2015 19:45:48 GMT
You bump into some friends and chat about what you've all been up to then wonder why they're laughing as you are walking away mid conversation having clearly been distracted by something far more interesting than them! Word of advice if you work from home: Never have a window from which you can see SQUIRRELS !! Seriously, mid-conference call with 10 people and I'm talking. Squirrel starts doing some crazy shit in the garden and the next thing I know I'm trying to fob people off with excuses like 'I accidentally hit mute there for a minute - sorry - what was the last thing you heard me say?' You should have just said "OOOOOOOOOH SQUIRREL!"
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Aug 14, 2015 8:07:39 GMT
You bump into some friends and chat about what you've all been up to then wonder why they're laughing as you are walking away mid conversation having clearly been distracted by something far more interesting than them!
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on May 7, 2015 21:28:19 GMT
Piles of broken hair! Gawd it sounds insane but by god it's so bloody satisfying and hypnotic. I wonder why? I know it's completely compulsive. It's like something takes control over me. I pick my split ends for hours at a time. I get stuck in front of the mirror because I can see them looking at me. Wherever I am I have piles of broken hair on my lap. I tell myself to stop but that makes me really anxious and without even realising I'm back at it. I love the clicking sound the hair makes when it breaks off, I love inspecting the broken pieces. It makes me feel crazy when I talk about it like this but I just can't stop. I guess adhd makes us more sensation seeking, more sensitive and generally a more anxious bunch. Thank you for sharing everyone x
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Apr 2, 2015 11:25:03 GMT
When you hear yourself saying stupid things at an interview but have no control over them coming out of your mouth :-(
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Feb 18, 2015 14:55:20 GMT
Always wondered why I was the only person who didn't need any drugs to listen to this!
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Jan 17, 2015 21:50:50 GMT
It's like the chicken and the egg! I wonder then, if attachment styles, as well as attachment disorder, can look like adhd? Maybe my more autistic, obsessive compulsive pd traits could be attachment style coping mechanisms. My mum was depressed and emotionally unavailable. She did her best, no doubt about it. I do find it very interesting and it's been really interesting talking to you too. I presume then that you have a diagnosis of both? How did they differentiate?
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Jan 16, 2015 0:04:06 GMT
I've been thinking about how attachments form our brains in our early years. My therapist says it's learnt behaviour but I don't totally agree with her there. ADHD is thought to be genetic and apparently there is something different about our brains. If an infant is stressed, there's going to be a lot of hormones surging at a time the brain is developing. Therefore parts of the brain like the amygdala will develop differently? Causing a developmental disorder? or at least what looks like one. But if the structures inside the brain have been changed beyond the range of neurotypical, can the brain ever go back to how it was meant to be? If it's learnt behaviour, why can't I learn to stop spending all my money? Why can't I learn to be organsied? Why do I go insane if I don't do exercise? Everything I do requires novelty and once that's gone, I'm back to square one. They don't know what causes ADHD. It's pretty certain to say that it most definitely exists. I found this interesting essay www.psykologtidsskriftet.no/index.php?seks_id=31533&a=4. According to this paper AD and ADHD have the same gene in common. Not all children who develop AD have abusive parents. Maybe they're unavailable because of their own ADHD?
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Jan 8, 2015 17:14:41 GMT
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Jan 8, 2015 16:55:09 GMT
I don't take medication. It just feels wrong for me. I know a lot of people who do take them and find them very helpful. I also know a lot of people who get anxiety from the medication. I guess it's about finding the right way for you. Sometimes I feel amazing sometimes I feel awful. Some people say their 'amazing' times are dulled from medication but they feel more stable. I often wonder whether I should at least try medication but I'm determined that there must be a way to manage without. I guess I just want to be accepted for who I am. I also wonder whether there is some psychological factors to developing ADHD such as attachment disorder. I want to find all the answers before trying medication.
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Dec 14, 2014 20:10:19 GMT
trying to watch an interesting talk whilst the radio is on in the backround! Rewind. Rewind. Rewind. Oh F it!
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Dec 11, 2014 22:06:35 GMT
supine and BabbleI've always opened kitkats by pulling on the long strip flap on the back and grabbing the front. Which tbh, does cause more hassle than its worth! Unbeknown to me if you tear the top there's a magical red strip that opens the wrapper all the way down!! Lol How much easier is that?? Are they not foil wrapped anymore??
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Dec 11, 2014 14:48:27 GMT
I'm sure this memory thing is related to the ability of women to have more than one baby I did give birth to a 200 page dissertation... Hmmmm ;-)
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Dec 11, 2014 10:37:04 GMT
When you vaguely remember having a tough time at uni, over something or other, but can't quite remember the details because a new wave of enthusiasm has erupted! and it couldn't have been that bad?? could it? I mean, I'm still alive?! Oh what the hell, I'll do a masters.....
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Dec 4, 2014 21:56:39 GMT
Hi @pelargonium, Thank you for your kind words. For the record, I'm not against medication, and I never say never. It's always an option for me and it is the metaphorical wheelchair in this situation. I'm just not ready to take it yet. Maybe I'll never be ready. Who knows...
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Dec 4, 2014 11:07:53 GMT
Same here Dave. It's interesting to see other people's viewpoints as I tend to think everybody see's the same as me! Which. they don't apparently, but that's something that'll always be a mystery to me! I guess the point is, there's no right way to feel. The possibilities are endless, the conclusions are endless because the variation in humans are endless! To infinity, and beyond! Over and out.
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Dec 3, 2014 23:13:03 GMT
Okay, I'm glad I didn't make a faux pas Dave!!
This is really interesting because I see ADHD as a context disorder. Society is about as unreal and unatural as we can possibly get from our human routes. So if society wasn't the way it was, we wouldn't have a condition. We'd just do things we were good at and life wouldn't be so difficult. I believe that disability is a mismatch between a person with an impairment and the environment. If society was better organised and more understanding, it would harness the skills and attributes of each and every person. Which may sound idealistic, but really is basic group work.
People who use wheelchairs can now access a lot more things than they used to because we have recognised that it is wrong to exclude somebody because of something that is out of their control. Is it unreasonable of me to tell my employer that I will work the way that works for me? If I cannot do something, I need help. I'm pleased to say that I have that employer. I refuse to take medication because I feel that ADHD and aspergers is just the way I am. Like being gay. I don't see it as an impairment or disability. It only becomes that when somebody else's prejudices get in the way. Why should I take medication to be like everybody else? I can do many things that others don't want to do. Usually boring repetitive things which people are happy to swap when I ask. I'm not saying that society should change to suit me. I'm saying that I have a use and lets work together to find the balance.
I'm starting to think that I may be more on the aspie side if I'm totally honest. I have difficulties with ADHD like symptoms but generally once I have a routine I'm like clockwork and do not cope with change well. I am hyper though, so never stop moving but usually doing the same thing, like an engine if you like!
I'm currently doing a pretty simple job. I have a vocational degree so could be earning a lot more than what I am at the moment. I'm beginning to realise that my well-being is more important than anything in the world. I feel like I'm letting go of my potential because I want my suffering to end. I'm done with looking at my inabilities!
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Dec 3, 2014 15:59:55 GMT
I'm really Interested to know why you are pained by those symptoms? Is it because of society's intolerance of difference? Would it help if people were better educated and had more understanding of your symptoms? Neurodiversity isn't about society changing to suit us. It's about not limiting the confines of normality. It's about increasing tolerance and understanding. Accepting that the way the majority do things isn't the only way and just because we don't fit the norm, we are labelled faulty. I'm unsure if you found this post insulting or not. It was meant positively
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Dec 2, 2014 23:29:31 GMT
Well, I realised a long time ago that I have homosexuality. So that isn't a recent revelation...
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Dec 2, 2014 23:16:02 GMT
I'm not sure if this has been discussed before, I searched the general page (fleetingly) so excuse me if I'm covering old ground. I have recently come to the realisation that I have ADHD, asperger's and homosexuality!!! I've been tearing strips out of my character, putting myself down, seeking validation from other people- you know how the story goes.... I spoke to my mum who seemed quite content with the fact that our whole family is a bit 'odd' (Her proud words). She also seemed really happy to have someone to talk to enthusiastically about the order she dries herself after being in the bath, to which I, obviously, was more than happy to reciprocate! I had been mulling over adhd and asperger's in a bad way, it never dawned on me that I should be proud of it. My Sangha (spiritual community) have been worrying that I've been focusing on there being something wrong with me. They say there is nothing 'wrong' with me as a person and that the pain I'm feeling now is because I'm seeing things I don't like. My own prejudices towards difference, if you like. I agree. I've started identifying with neurodiversity. Now this really has shifted something in me. There is an infinity movement where they believe neurodiversity shouldn't be seen as pathological. Like homosexuality shouldn't be seen as a mental illness. We're all just variations of the human race. They explain it better on wiki! en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurodiversity. Just felt like I needed to share that. There isn't anything wrong with us. I'm not denying that life is more difficult. It is. Painfully. But change can happen. Look at race, gender and disability politics. It's not perfect, but there has been and still is movement toward equality. I'm not sure how everyone else feels about this. I can only speak for myself. But FUCK social norms. I'm making my own, come join me
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Dec 2, 2014 0:30:44 GMT
after turning up 2 hours late twice in one week you manager suggests you have a set rota and they'll print one off every week for you to keep in your diary! What a lovely manager!
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Nov 14, 2014 14:31:46 GMT
PHWOAAAAARRR!Here's a pretty picture
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Nov 14, 2014 1:32:44 GMT
My friend just text to say he wanted to take a rain check on our lunch out tomorrow. I thought he meant check if it's raining tomorrow before we decide to meet up or not!
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Nov 14, 2014 0:45:51 GMT
I just suggested this to my house mate who's a special educational needs teacher. She thinks it too! Haha how funny, it would explain why I feel so different to everyone else. I mean there comes a point in your life when it can't always be the other person who's wrong... That was a hard thing to admit! ;-)
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Nov 12, 2014 16:50:42 GMT
I don't know why but when I get anxious I fixate on there being something wrong with me. I've noticed that my anxiety levels have increased with m new job and i suppose this is why aspergers has come to my mind. I was wondering why I feel like I'm from another planet and why I have so many boughts of suicidal ideation (I'm used to this and would never follow through). It got me thinking that I'm hanging around NT's and that's why I don't feel like I belong. They simply don't understand me.
Why I think aspergers is because as well as being inattentive and hyperactive I'm also obsessed with routine. I have lots of things I do which are ritualistic. I have attachments to inanimate objects and places and get terribly home-sick as I have certain ways of doing things. I have a very strong reaction to sensory overload too. So new places are terrifying and I'm really sensitive to not having the right footwear in other people's houses! I also get really agitated if there aren't enough colours on my plate of food! Can't stand a beige plate of food!
My new job is in retail, so as well as having a range of jobs I need to do I also have to speak to people. I'm actually really good at interacting with people, I can change my personality to fit in with most people. On the surface you'd think I was really socially skilled, maybe quite popular. The truth is, I'm totally blagging it! I feel like I need a written appraisal on my performamnce because I have no idea how people really feel about me. I often wonder whether I may have developed a persoanlity disorder along the way too. That seems to surface when I'm feeling particualry under pressure.
I hear what you're saying, @planetdave, about being around people who are like us. I think maybe that I've been trying to fit in with the wrong people!
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Nov 11, 2014 20:10:12 GMT
Has anyone ever thought they may have been misdiagnosed as having adhd when in fact it might be asperger's?
Apparently aperger's presents differently in women. I definitely get by okay with social interaction at a surface level. But I do feel like I'm playing a game really. I always feel like I don't really belong and notice that people get bored of my conversations. My best friend in school has asperger's and we got on really well. Now I'm not anxious my hyperactivity has reduced significantly but I still have special interests (aka hyperfocus) and need to follow a strict routine.
Can anyone else relate?
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Nov 11, 2014 1:19:11 GMT
Hyperfocus. When you start doing something and get so into it that you lose an entire day and only realise the time when you feel sick from hunger and sure you're about to collapse before you stuff some food down your throat!
I've had hyperfocus that's lasted anywhere between 1-30 days. As quickly as it arrives it's gone and you wonder what to do with all the stuff you bought for this new interest that you were so so sure you were going to stick at this time!!
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Nov 5, 2014 0:13:26 GMT
I wrote this poem recently and it made me think of this thread! It's quite long but kind of sums up a lot of things for me. I'd like to share it with you.
Miss Cairns.
There's a girl I know who I can't stand. She laughs at those less fortunate and wills others to fail. She makes me sick but strangely I'm addicted. Sometimes she turns on me! She calls me stupid and ugly. She says I won't amount to anything and that nobody really likes me. She says all my friends feel sorry for me just because I'm mental. She says she wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire. "Why would anyone like you? You fucking loser!" I tell her to fuck off but she just laughs in my face. She says I'm pathetic and deserve nothing less. But I've had enough of her and her stupid ways. She thinks she's awesome, clever and brave! She's nobody. NOBODY! I say. She used to help me out but now she just destroys me. I'm sick of her living beside me. Looking in the mirror I see her glare, She's thinking bad things but speak if she dares! I've had enough of her, I'm sick to the back teeth. Her toxic venom poisoning me, poisoning my mind, poisoning my world, Poisoning every goddamn mother fucking ounce of my soul. Get away from me you disgusting bitch. Get out of my mind. Get out of my world you're not welcome anymore. Everything you touch turns sour, Like festering milk on a hot summers day. I'm sick of you taking up my space. You're just a bully, you don't know me. You think you're me but that couldn't be further from the truth. You're made up! You're just the image other's conjured up. Get out of my mind and back where you belong, In the gutters of other people's minds is where you are from. Take it back you bastards, look at hat you've done. I was a child! I did nothing wrong. What made you think you had that right? The right to destroy and innocent child. A delicate creature with a future so bright. What chance did I have? "You're stupid, be quiet". "Shut up, you child". A child with no ego is a child who is sad. The corruption of life hits them early and hard. We're no different deep down inside. Tortured and sad. We look in the mirror pitiful and angry. "Why me?" we say "why is my life so bad?". It's time to look in the mirror and face the truth. YOU have become the very thing you detest. YOU are the bully who judges so hard. You envy success and revel in misery. The world is your mirror because you're so self-obsessed. You can't see past your fragile ego and fragmented self. You're stuck in childhood searching for answers. Stuck in a cycle of validating your delusions. "I'm disgusting, I'm vile, I have no worth". Yet, you're special, and everyone else is beneath you, aren't they?... "There's nothing good enough for me in this world, this isn't where I belong". An easier truth to conceive than face the pain of rejection, For rejection is the worst pain of them all. A child who's rejected can't ever trust. All people are bad and I'm stuck in a rut.
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Nov 4, 2014 10:56:58 GMT
The song to super Mario has been swimming about my brain recently. I whistle it, hum it, make up my own computer noise to it! Probably sound completely mad to those around me but I don't really notice I'm doing out loud. Come to think of it, it's become more noticeable now I'm happier in my work. My self talk has also turned to rhyming and I add some hip hop beats to it. If you saw me walking down the street it'd look like I was listening to music! My mum is the same and my grandad. I've noticed that I have difficulty expressing myself and find creativity a good way of doing that. It's quite eccentric and I'm learning that I need to find more people who are eccentric. Got to stop trying to be like the nt's!
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Sept 15, 2014 16:55:58 GMT
For years I swore that I had an amazing memory! Turns out I don't, at all! In fact my memory is so bad that I seem to have lived a completely different life to the one others have witnessed!
|
|
|
Post by carly31 on Sept 6, 2014 8:51:19 GMT
Not skin. But I do split ends on my hair! Can spend hours in a trance just picking broken hair! It's highly addictive :-(
|
|