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Post by shiningbright on Sept 20, 2016 6:34:33 GMT
When you over or underpay for takeaway food again
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Post by shiningbright on Sept 1, 2016 21:23:52 GMT
I think I might be having a random life crisis - I'm too young for a mid life crisis and too old for 1/4 life crisis.
I'm just so emotionally all over the place. Happy and sad, calm and yet I'll flip to anger then back again like I'm blinking. It's crazy. I'm overwhelmed by work but loving it to, I've finally orgnaised the house yet feel disorganised still.
Been doing lots of inner mind exploration lately and I'm not happy with what I found, yet I love myself more for being honest with myself.
Just feeling so - hmmm right now. I have no word for it, I'm not numb, not happy, not sad, just am. Yet I also feel very hopeful but I don't know why lol.
sorry, useless post I guess. Also kinda lonely - don't have any friends except those aynonamous online ones :/
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Post by shiningbright on Sept 1, 2016 21:18:02 GMT
Went into the bathroom to get painkillers for hubby. Looked in the mirror, left the bathroom empty handed. No idea I went in there for anything, not even that "what did I go in here for" feeling. Went back to get painkillers. Threw the box away because when I took the tablets out and it was empty. Husband took 2 of the tablets and went to put the other 6 back in the box. Husband wanting to know why I threw the box away. (Can't believe this thread is still going btw) i've been in and out of my kitchen 7 times in the last hour cos I kept forgetting why I went in for. I've made myself ice tea, cleaned, did dishes, tidied the fridge, and just ambled in and out a couple times. Everytime i come into the lvingroom i smell the stale air and remembe I wanted air freshiner from the kitchen! In the end I told my 3 yr old and he reminded me - but got a lovely drink in the process lol
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Post by shiningbright on Aug 26, 2016 15:41:39 GMT
Hi, I'm back lol.... Hope everyone is well, got lots of reading to catch up lol :-)
I've had a crazy few weeks, seems like one thing after another and I hate how crazy and overwhelmed I feel but it'll pass. I wanna kick myself for my last stupid thing I've done. I took a day of work last week and option to do something hobby wise. I felt like drawing a house (architecturally) and then thought it'd be nice to give myself a challenge and design a town instead. Which would take a lot longer then a single day. Now I can't unfocus from it and keep thinking about landscapes, materials, positions of landmarks, road widths and how the sewer pipes would effect the river plant and how to design the industrial district to be attractive and not just boring and depressive factories. It's a super fun hobby, but now I can't switch it off lol. Got a note pad just for it while I'm free (or on the loo) I'm researching on my phone or sketching in the pad lol.
I'm meant to be organising the house lol. But I do feel happier this week, nice to spend some time on something I enjoy sometimes - other recharge by sitting with a cuppa, I recharge by researching factory designs lol.
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Post by shiningbright on Aug 12, 2016 14:40:43 GMT
When you suddenly realise that it's been a week since you last brushed your hair 😥
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Post by shiningbright on Aug 5, 2016 14:21:17 GMT
Oh marionk loved your version!!! Such a better read then the link. I read the link a couple days ago (while not sleeping lol) and meant to reply sooner that it's a load Iof tosh posh lol I have a bad time sleeping but that is caused by my adhd not the other way around. Because on thr days when I sleep great, My adhd still fs about bit on the days when my adhd vs about my sleep the same night (not before) is rubbish. I love science and philosophy and phsyicolgy and used to think my crazy brain was cos of lack of sleep, so what did I do - some experiments on myself. I kept a kinda diary over the course of about 6 months (I was 18 so it's hard tto remeber) and looked at the different factors that may have effected my sleep and how my sleep pattern effect my crazy brain
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Post by shiningbright on Aug 3, 2016 6:17:06 GMT
Well this holiday has been interesting. My youngest had a sudden fever yesterday, just came out of nowhere, followed by a febrile seizure that scared the life out of me. Lucinky there was a walk in clinic next to where we were parked, just around the corner, so we got him seen very fast. He's fine by the way. I spent most of last night beating myself up about it - thought logically I couldn't have predicted it as the fever had just started. But my oh pointed out that had I not been used to seizures (andwhat position to put him in) then things could have been very different.
His fever started coming down last night, he's under close observation to be safe. Once his observation time has passed then we'll take them to a play area for some fun poor lads. My eldest alsso has a dry cough that keeps waking him at night, good job I always travel with calpol lol
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Post by shiningbright on Aug 1, 2016 7:26:56 GMT
So much to say so little time. My oh surprised me last night by booking a caravan in lake district for the week :-) super excited as it'll be great to go away for a bit. It's not quite a holiday as I still have work to do while there (we're taking the laptop - my ball and chain lol- I can never be free of it lol). But well also go for adventures during the day which is exciting :-)
My OH watched limitless which I told him was like my brain but without the excuse of nzt lol. He got rather confused by the idea, maybe well talk more about it today. I realised this will be our first holiday just us without friends of extended family along. Only time it was just him and me was our honey moon- now we've got the two babes of mine buttthey're young. Not got the older kids this time around which is sad but maybe we'll get some much needed couple time:-)
Spoke to my Dr when I saw her on Friday. I asked her, off the record, abou adhd ssupport or such that can be off record. She said if od want it off record I'd have to go privately. But she also adviced me that there is so much hype and misconceptions around adhd and mental illness that if I can go without dx it'd be easier for me in the long run, otherwise everyone who meets me will always judge me on my broken brain. I'm simplifying her terms but at least she was honest :-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 29, 2016 6:11:48 GMT
I don't so much question my sanity as in 'am I sane or not' because the answer is simple- I'm not sane, not in traditional sense, I'm too different for that. But I do question my sanity by way of self reflection, evaluations, second guessing myself sometimes and philosophical musings.
So far as I'm concerned my bother normal nor sane but I am not broken either. Sanity is merely a perception. And if my research over the years has been of any use then I'd suggest that most people in the world are as insane as I amlol- though I don't have any proof of this :-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 28, 2016 14:24:19 GMT
Thanks :-) im not sure id it is mastitis dispite what dr said the otherday. Today its been leaking like a tap, rhe red has gone a soft pink, still swollen and niw lumpy around the areola. Most likely from engorged. I'll pick up some cabbage next time I'm out, it helped withthe eenforcement I got with my first. But my nipple and areola feel like they're getting attached my neddels. Driving me bonkers.
Had a fever all day today, not yesterday, it's mostly around 38.9 since 10. Vauge headache also, like an early migraine and pain killers aren't helping.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 28, 2016 10:42:06 GMT
I did that that but the results confused me, mostly private consultants claiming to be able to diagnosis ADHD or children's support. I tried messaging Surestart near mine and asking but they wanted personal details from me before they'd answer my question and I didn't feel comfortable with that - my local surestart has proven untrustworthy by reporting my attendance and teh things I talk about to my old health visitor - a manipulative bully type lady.
Oh, I've done that before also lol - with the laptop. I actually kept letting it zap me for a few minutes and my OH asked - what's wrong, I said the laptop is electrocuting me. He said to put it down, I said 'oh yeah, I should do that shouldn't I' then did. I then said, 'that's weird, my hand's numb.' and he replied with 'I can't think why.' lol
and one fo the reasons I never do ironing is cos 'll burn myself as often as not lol.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 28, 2016 9:48:47 GMT
Oh these tablets are irksome lol. I have to take them at least and hour before food and two hours afterwards, 4 times a day - that's a lot of planning and time management for me lol. I keep taking them at rather random times (and sometimes only and hour after food) - but my pain has gotten much better. Still getting fevers mind but much better then the other day. Seeing Dr again tomorrow for a check up and review of the tablets (they want to make sure I'm on the right ones)... A part of me in thinking to ask about ADHD support groups in the area but I'm worried she'd write it on my notes.
I'm popping to the next by town center tomorrow, they have a surestart center that I trust, I might pop in there and ask about. then again, most likely I won't because I don't let people making assumptions about my mental health...
Well, this morning I had a jolly fun zone out session: when I was putting sausages in a frying pan with hot oil in it. I remember feeling a painful heat on my finger and instead of moving it away, I held it still for a bout 3- 5 seconds while I tried to figure out why it was painful. I then realisied that I'd put the tip of the finger in the hot oil. Only then did I take it out. I'm always burning myself so it's no big deal but still - zoned brain isn't always a logical brain lol. Now got a very sore finger lol :-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 28, 2016 9:39:06 GMT
You're so distracted by whatever is going on inside your head that you don't notice that you've stuck your finger in a pan of hot oil!!! doh
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 28, 2016 9:36:06 GMT
I have letters ready to go for the MP and the health correspondent of the local paper has just started following me on Twitter. . You go @vaugeandrandom :-) It's slow work, but it is steps in the right direction. You're in my prayers
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 28, 2016 9:33:48 GMT
I think you hit the nail on the head right there vagueandrandom: but it's not open to individuals on that day, just medical professionals and organisations because it's funded by pharmacutical companiesNow as unpopular as my following view might be, I don't view ADHD as a sickness, disorder or problem that requires medical intervention. I see it as a different way of living and I'm sure that with suitable freedoms to navigate society that people with ADHD would find they don't need medications so much (I have the same view of most issues that are labels as relating to mental, and sometimes physical, health). I'm not saying that medication can't prove helpful to people, only that I feel that society shouldn't expect everyone to follow the same mental functionings, the whole concept of NT is preposterous - how can we claim to now what brain is deemable as 'normal' or not when we can't actually understand the brain yet? My point is, so long as there are those that can make money from exploiting and/or exaggerating differences 'tween 'NTs' and 'non-NTs', then there will not be fair, honest or comprehensive treatment, advice, support or care available to those as needs. All fields of medical science (heck, all fields of science in general) is guesswork. The norms and accepted practices change over time, not always based on what is medically/research proven, but often based on what sells. Just look at Listerine for a good example of that (by which I mean the creation of a disorder 'halitosis' for the sake of selling their product). I'm not saying that ADHD doesn't exist, I clearly have it and so do many others, what I'm saying is that people profit from making us more abnormal then we really are. There is nothing wrong with being different, and we have skills that lots of NTs don;t have. Society needs minds like ours and by the time I'm an old woman I can assure you that the cultural view of medicating and demoralising those with ADHD will have changed; as has the views on smoking, electric shock theapry, depression (so many times), PMS, etc. (sorry, I could go on for days but I'm aware I'm rambling now). I hope I've not upset or offended anyone with my views - that wasn't my intention.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 28, 2016 8:49:49 GMT
Super happy for you :-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 28, 2016 8:48:17 GMT
Oh yes, make lists, set alarms, put reminders in your phone, check with sonso, etc. My OH mmeans well but he can repeat the same task he gave me many times to make sure I dont forget it, but he alwys seems to do so on the days that I don't need him too. But on the days when constant remndng would prove helpful he just tells me once and leaves me to it... Least he doesn't nag if I dont do lol
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 27, 2016 20:15:26 GMT
First off - disclaimer - this is just me venting some personal steam and is not aimed at anyone on this site. Nor do my personal views, both mentioned and insinuated within this post, reflect on my views of what choices others with or without ADHD have or have not made. We're all able to make our own choices freely, I'm in no way criticizing others for theirs.
Okay, here goes...
Why is it that so many people look at my way of life and think that they have the right to comment on how I can do it better based on how they think I should live my life.
So many different views - you should get a job; you should stop having kids; you should set goals; you should time your activities; you should get your hair done; you should buy some new clothes; you should get out more; you should eat more nuts; you should put yourself first; you should put your husband first; you should but your country first; you should believe this; you should follow that; you should have more then one pair of shoes; you should do this and that and the other.
And when it comes to my ADHD based struggles (which no one knows about the ADHD part) I get so many comments like: you should sort yourself out; stop being lazy; it's not hard just get it done; just grow up; reward yourself; train yourself; just do it; see your doctor; you just need to manage your time better; you just need to organise yourself better; you should get medication for that; you should talk to a psychiatrist about your problems; it's easy look; everyone else manages; you just need to do this or that or the other...
And those I do tell about my ADHD all insist that I see my DR to get tablets to help me (and I'm not dissing those as choose this option but) why should I have to chemically alter my body, turn myself into a genie pig for the rest of my life while we find the right chemical cocktail for my "needs", for the sake of making me like everyone else?
Seriously: train myself with rewards? What am I - a dog?!? If that worked I wouldn't be the way I am would I.
Worst of all is - here, it's easy, just do what I tell you - hello, I'm not you!
I understand that my life isn't perfect and if I must follow the 'status quo' then I'm gonna struggle. but when i'm free to act according to how my brain works, then everything is great and me and my boys are fed and clean and happy. It's when the pressures of societal norms get enforced on me that I struggle.
My ADHD isn't a disease, I'm not broken, there is nothing wrong with me. I struggle because I'm expected to do things in ways that don't come naturally to me. But if i work in ways that suit my mind set then I manage things well enough to suit our needs.
It's your basic square peg, round hole situation. I'm not perfect but I'm not broken.
And why does it seem to make people so uncomfortable when you don't (or rather won't) conform to the way that they do things - what does it matter if the results are the same? Seriously does my nut in.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 27, 2016 19:47:11 GMT
Sounds like you're doing a great job and that your son is surrounded by love :-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 27, 2016 19:45:11 GMT
Surely there is some organisational body you can talk to to get help with this?
Mind, C.A.B., NICE... Sure start can also be quite helpful for knowing ways around problems crated by establishments.
Maybe write to your MP or threaten/memtion to your GP (who local NHS somebody) with media coverage and career scandal?
There must be a way for you to get the help you need, that's the whole point of our systems in the UK, it's supposed to support and help those as needs, it's just designed that those as needs have to fight for their needs. But the help is there...
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 27, 2016 10:48:59 GMT
Snap snap and snap
I can directly relate to every word you just said dear :-)
We're just clever sods and all we want is peace and freedom to be ourselves, yet others seem to take it upon themselves to fix or challenge or undermin us (for reasons both well meaning and victisus, depending on the person).
I'm not a paranoid person but I can come across that way sometimes. I'm deeply aware of everything around me, so I can tell when someone is lying to me, when they're trying to manipulate me or when they're just being plain old bitches for whatever reason.
What they dontb know if that I act based on what I think or feel no matter what they say. So I might choose to allow someone to lie to me because I prefer the lie o r I think its a fun story. I might let someone think they've manipulated me if it means I can do the stuff I want to do lol. And if someone wants to be a bitch with me they'll miss my useful skills when I'm gone - I never stay one place for long anyway. I year was my longest jot.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 27, 2016 10:48:48 GMT
Snap snap and snap
I can directly relate to every word you just said dear :-)
We're just clever sods and all we want is peace and freedom to be ourselves, yet others seem to take it upon themselves to fix or challenge or undermin us (for reasons both well meaning and victisus, depending on the person).
I'm not a paranoid person but I can come across that way sometimes. I'm deeply aware of everything around me, so I can tell when someone is lying to me, when they're trying to manipulate me or when they're just being plain old bitches for whatever reason.
What they dontb know if that I act based on what I think or feel no matter what they say. So I might choose to allow someone to lie to me because I prefer the lie o r I think its a fun story. I might let someone think they've manipulated me if it means I can do the stuff I want to do lol. And if someone wants to be a bitch with me they'll miss my useful skills when I'm gone - I never stay one place for long anyway. I year was my longest jot.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 27, 2016 7:47:13 GMT
Oh Mike I feel for you. I know it's hard. You're doing so well that your son feels he is able to talk to you about his feelings and such. That is a huge accomplishment, more then you'd realise.
ADHD or not being a teenage, especially at that age where they're expected to behave like adults while society treats them like kids, is extremely confusing and complicated.
My advice to you is to let your concerns go a bit. What your son needs from you most now is trust and to be there even when he is wrong (which it sounds like you are which is amazing). He needs to be able to make his own mistakes, and figure out how he'll fit in society. Especially when it comes to women.
By all means advice him about anything and everything you desire, but I advice you to wait until he asks gffor your opinion/advice before you give it. Something which I get the feeling you already do :-)
Your son is emotional, hormonal, lustful,lonely, angry, stressed, confused, overwhelmed, and panicky about thefuture. He needs to figure out who he is as much as what he wants from life. And we often learn so much more from our mistakes then our successes.
I hope all that makes sense.
I'm a female so it's slightly different. But at 17 I too was self harming and a total basket case. No one in my life cared a jot and I struggled with every aspect of my life. Your son has so much on his side, so much love and support, tthat's what he needs now - love support and trust. You sound like a wonderful parent and your son is much blessed :-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 26, 2016 22:25:08 GMT
I wish I had something useful or comforting to say sweet...
Maybe a little story might prove cheering- sorry if not.
Do you know why I call shiningbright on here? How could you. Well I'm gonna tell you. If you look outside one night, hopefully a night free from clouds, you'll see countless of billion stars in the sky. Well in my head, I often feel like I'm on a boat in a vast ocean and the people in my life are my stars. They help me to navigate my way though each day, and I know that when I ho t a storm the star will still be there. I'm not alone. They're a comfort to me on my dark days when I'mlost. They dnot know it as I live inside my head but they're in my head with me more a part of my life and my health then they could possibly realise. Each one shines brightly. And I hope that I shine brightly in they're sky too.
The cheerful part - I've never met you or anyone on this site. But you've got a star in my head also, part of the aadd constalation lol :-) and you've got stars around you also so you'll find your way though your storm too and you'll find your balance again at some Point.
Maybe meds will help, maybe not, you're brave to try them :-) and you're doing well. At the end of the day, trust your gut
You're in my prayers and I hope I was able to share some cheer :-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 26, 2016 22:05:09 GMT
My biggest problems were co-workers rather than bosses. I always had to find work that suits my interests, so I could maintain focus. But when I'm interested I get hyperfocused so I can do a lot more work then those around me with less effort so long as I have a suitable amount of down time to recover.
When I worked for a wage then my co-workers would give me their work then complain about me to the not power hungry managers who'd all be impressed by my work but would tell me I need to act dumber and slow down cause I'm making the others feel threatened. I left that job and told them that if they gonna feel t hreaterned by me doing their work then why'd they give it to me lol.
I then had a 'boss' on off the parents I nannied for. I'd booked a holiday two weeks in advance (I worked 2-8 hout s every day for them so I made sure they had plenty time to arrange my taking one weekend off) and got a call the morning of my last day off asking me to come in. I was the other side of the country lol. I told them the time I'd be able to get thereand I actually fgot there five minutes before the time I said I'd be there only for him to turn around and start shouting at me about my being his employee and that if I wanted payment then I should do my work. So I let him talk his talk. I then calmly reminded him that he pays me off the books, tax free, less then national min wage and that he is a questionable character who I o my work for because of his children not cos of him. He'd never had anyone talk back to him. Let alone a woman. When his wife ran off with the kids I wrote her a letter for the courts to help her get her devorce - she had gone through a lot.
And I'll never forget the day one of my school teachers pulled me into a side room and shouted at me about being late to school - I lived a 2/6 hour hour net away depending on traffic and would often get the 5 am bus to get there on time. But some days the traffic sucked (and some days I didn't want to go in lol). Well she shouted all sorts of nonsense, called me stupid and such and such. The whole class was laughing at me through the open door. I let her finished, I'll never forget it. She said 'have you anything to say for yourself?' I said 'yes if you're completely finished miss' she said she was so I reminded her that she a didn't have the right to talk to me like this and that she was b eing unprofessional and edging on bullish (she was a total bully to me my whole time there). I then carefully reminded her that I was on first name basis with the head teacher (as of two days before when I gave him a piece of my mind on his school policies in front of his PA and a board meeting)... the kids started laughing at her then. Only time I felt like I'd won lol. I still got bullied afterwards but it made tho gs a lot easier because the other kids in schools thought I was brave even if weird lol
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 26, 2016 15:18:37 GMT
Yep, Dr says I've got an infection - she's given me a 10 day, 4 tables a day to be taken an hour before food, strong course of antibiotics and instructed I get a check up with GP later this week. I also got told off for not going in sooner cos of my temprature goign to 41.2oC on Sunday - I said I thought that rule only applied to kids.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 26, 2016 15:15:42 GMT
Most people would be able to hold back when that gerbil-brained manager announces his/her brilliant new idea (which is actually going to create a whole lot of unnecessary work with no real benefits) at the weekly meeting, or if they come in at 5.30pm on a Friday and tell you that they need a report typing up and 30 copies must be prepared and ready for first thing on Monday. If you're impulsive, have the tendency to blurt and you're already feeling stressed...disaster awaits. Similarly, sticking your neck out on behalf of colleagues - who all scurry off when the sh*t hits the fan - is something that people who have less conventional thinking (i.e. not motivated by reward) would do. This made me laugh - When i read it i saw (one of) my old managers face in my brain. I was a volunteer (I found that if I worked for a wage it made everything much harder) and did about 30-40 hours a week, plus 10 - 20 paid nanny hours elsewhere, at a charity. I had four job titles/roles and was also tasked with general admin errands (the data fling that others don't want to do kinda thing), so people (7 perople to be precise) would come to me each day and ask me to do such n such a task. I'd then aska couple of questons to find out how much of a prority it was on my to do list, then I'd agree to return date for the task but would inform them if it didn;t get done becuase someone else gave me additonal higher prioirty tasks. Everyone seemed fine wth that and were grateful to have someoen to do what they didnt want to do lol. Well, on day the manager asks me to do something and I treated her the same as I treat everyone in the office. She seemed to expect that because she was manager she'd somehow bump up the list on that alone, even through other people were relying on me. I kept calm and politely informend her of the tasks that were more improtant then hers (I put it less bluntly then that at the time) and we agreed a compltetion date for each of the tasks - she wanted a few done). Then later on I'm toiling away on sonsos work and the manager comes by and is questioning me on why the cups are on the sink side an dnot in the cupbaords. I said that I don't know as I didn't wash them that day (the lass who'd given me a task to do while she tended to a service users emergency needs cleaned them for me). but the kitchen was next to my office space so that somehow meant I was responsible for them. then she's asking me why the smaller of the tasks she gave me hadn't been done yet. I told her that we'd agreed the ned of the week for that task and I was working on earlier ones currently. She got very hoity with me and started grillng me on my workload, I told her she's welcome to review the lot if she wants but that she'll not like the results - I did alot more then my 25 hour contract agreed too and most of it was not on the projects I was orinally placed for (I was actvites coordinator and I dd alot of good work while there). Her face was a picture. I don't think she's ever had anyone not just follow her blindly before. Well a week later she spoke to another staff memebr about my behavour when on a feild trp wth the servce users. We went to themepark, all boys only one female service user and 3 female staff and me. The female service user was very uncomfortable around the boys and even around the staff, so we spent the first half of the day just her and me around the park - something I had mentioned might be an occurance cos of her needs and got permission from for the lady who later told me off for it on the managers behest lol. Anyway, suddenly we'd gone from helping her adapt to a new enviroment without the stress of the males around her, then slowly encourage her to mix with the whole group more (which she did in the end) to me dragging her off at the park and denying her the soicalisation oppoeruntiies she deserved. I knew that the manager had set the lady up to do this becasue she used words and phases that she didn't normally use but were more in line with the kinds of terms the manager would use lol. I descend sod it and left the same day. They havn't had a successful activites coordinator scne to my knowledge. Their loss. As for jobs - teaching is awesome but the paperwork is super heavy. I love teaching, I thnk it's of fundamental importance and I think ADHDers are good at it ebcause we don't see the world thought the lenses of conformity. And chidlren haven't learn comformty yet, so we're skilled to be good role models for them. We have a unique skill set. I personally plan to open my own school then leave it to my OH to deal with, but he wants me to keep on top of the staff training in a quality control kinda way. I just want to focus on educating my kids lol.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 26, 2016 9:48:30 GMT
Hey marionk thought I'd let you know that I'm going to see a DR today about my possible mastitis (if it's that) because things have gonna rather bad overnight and today. I hate seeing Drs for any reason, but needs must and my kids come first. I can't care for them if i'm ill :-) hopefully things will work out fine and I might be able to get advice on a bf issue I have with my lad.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 26, 2016 0:18:01 GMT
Extremely interesting post :-) takes me back a few years (memory lane trip) - I have a point and I'll tell it be for I tell my story in case i loose it lol.
Point - most of what psychologist call 'disorders' are just life, normal stuff, derived from subconscious needs and or desires.
Okay- story (sorry if it unwanted): my childhood wasn't fun. Don't get me wrong I have tons of happy memories and I'm extremely greatful for my lofe- it what made me the person I am today. But it wasn't a picnic. I'll not go into forty details but for the sake of the story there was neglect, various forms of abuse and a hulla lotta trauma.
Well, I went crazy. Literally. And if I had told anyone I would have been hospitalized. I'll keep it brief, there were a few things, but the one that relates to your post is the one of me creating a split personality. Not really but yes really. I made two mes inside my mind. One who took the abuse and cried and one who picked up and moved on. I named her Jade. She had been my imaginary friend when I was a girl and she became another part of me as a teen especially.
Over time, and lots of self reflections (mostly t hrought chats with jade and then me) 'jade' became more real and I found myself standing up for myself and becoming jade and not being then me anymore. Then one day I had a choice - I could stay the scared kid I was or I could literally become jade.
I did the later- even changed my name officially. In my mind I 'killed' the old me to make space for the new me, for jade. So that I could be the best version of myself.
That all sounds very 'psychotic' from some points of view. But really it's not. It's totally normal and everyone at some Point in their life, probably several points in their life, face themselves in a similar position - maybe not with a full blow. Imaginary version of oneself that they assimilate, but we all have to pick what version of our self we want to be.
Back to my point. A lot of what psychiatrists view is based on the sense that the brain is a set machine that has a right and wrong operating mode. That's not true. Rather the mind is like the ocean, some patterns that we can deverlve but mostly unreachable, unreadable and unqualtifiable (wow I like that word today lol).
So always take a dx with a pinch of salt because it's all down to perspective.
One person's perceptive of my story would be that I went through a psychotic break caused by traumatic events. Another's would be that I acted upon the only survival skills i had available to me (my imagination) and others still will have other views.
It's ridiculous that one person's perspective such had such effects in another's life. Any Dr worth his (or her) salt knows that it's all just guess work that has a habit of working more often then not lol.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 25, 2016 23:58:48 GMT
Does anyone get this?
Whenever I get ready for bed. I have a kinda idea, plan maybe, in my head of how the next day will go.
For example- tomorrow I intend to clean the kitchen and bathroom, organise the living room and find out what's wrong with my tumble dryer...
But these ideas rarely come to anything and afterwards I'm left flat and disappointed in myself for not doing what is so simple to others that they don't even need to think about it like I do.
But I tell myself - well you did xyz and such n such, So have a pat in the back. And I get to sleep another night.
But there is always that part of my brain, whomich appears to be typing right now, that tells me how stupid I am and that I'm never gonna be the person I want to be.
I'm extremely stubborn (he's my positive side coming back lol) and I'm highly optimistic even when I feel my worst I find something to smile about, it's a thing I do... So I will keep planning and keep trying and keep beating myself up then defending myself then going through it all over again.
Because I pray that one day, when I'm old and my work is finished, that I'll be able to look at my kids and say I didn't give up on them. The derseve me to be the best I can be, we all have limits, for whatever reason (health, habit or hearth), but it when I stop trying that I will really have failed.
Lol so what started as a self hate message has turned into a motivational one lol. Typical. See- always the optimist :-)
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