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Post by melanierose on May 23, 2016 20:45:20 GMT
Hello I am new to this forum and I am desperately looking for help and advice! I don't have Adhd myself but my boyfriend of two years does and it's getting worse. I'v done everything I know to do and tried to help him in every way but he is in complete denial and just says " he'll try harder" .. But I'm sure we've all heard that before ! He won't go to the doctors, he won't even email or talk to a psychologist, he won't read a self help book, he won't improve his diet and I am at loss of what else to do ! I feel completely trapped in a relationship with a man that I know I once truly loved but has now turned into a completely different person just because it's easier to be lazy than treat yourself. What drives me crazy is the fact that if he cared about me wouldn't he try harder? I am sick and tired of being responsible for everything, having to treat him like a child and dealing with all the tantrums where he literally throws his toys out the pram and lashes out ! What I also find hard to understand is why it's only apparent that he has adhd when he's with me... ? I really need advice on what step to take next as I know the man I love is somewhere im there. Thankyou for taking the time to read this, rant over. I wish you all the best x
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Post by vagueandrandom on May 23, 2016 21:44:46 GMT
Hi melanierose Has your boyfriend been diagnosed with ADHD? I'm a little concerned by your choice of words. . 'Won't ' . . 'easier to be lazy' . . 'if he cared about me wouldn't he try harder?' Yes, he may just be useless . . but if he's anything like the majority of us. . he's already trying harder than you'll ever know. . and asking him to try harder and accusing him of being lazy will only be making him feel worse. . more of a failure, more useless . . Why does his ADHD only seem to come out when he's with you? Because he feels comfortable enough around you that he feels able to be himself . . not expending huge amounts of energy trying to hold it in, to try to appear 'normal' in the outside world. What can you do? Try not to be so judgmental. Rather than tell him what to do. . offer to help him achieve things. . don't ask him to try harder. . what are the barriers stopping him. .and can you help?. .you are inadvertently eroding any self esteem that he possessed. Talk to him, emphasise the positives . . Educate yourself about ADHD. . there's loads here and online and in books. . I hope this helps
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Post by melanierose on May 24, 2016 10:00:13 GMT
Thankyou for your reply I really do appreciate it. He had councelling when he was younger for something unrelated to Adhd but that's when he was diagnosed, his mother chose to take no further action as he had already been through enough. He dealt with it all pretty well until recently where he had a 6 month job contract.. The job was so stressful I was unable to work myself as I had to look after him. He started getting more habits (eg falling asleep on the floor, not washing or brushing teeth, spending money, eating unhealthily, being extremely messy, lashing out when he's angry etc) I understood that I had to care for him and I am glad to say that that part of our lives is now over and we both have better jobs but obviously he has kept all the habits that he's built over the last six months. At the moment im trying to help him in any way I can whilst I educate myself more about Adhd. I'm Very well educated on coping methods for anxiety, panic attacks, low self esteem, bullying, self harm, BDD and depression having suffered myself, and having looked after My father after several depressive episodes where he would be sectioned or in hospital but I don't have much experience of adhd. I'm just lost as to where it all went so wrong and partly feel like blaming myself, his previous job and a part of me resents his Mother for not treating him early enough. We have established that his ADHD comes out when he's with me because he's comfortable with me but not having any past experiences of living with someone with ADHD im struggling to understand where the man I once loved has gone and trying to deal with this new person that is sometimes harsh with his words and violent with his actions but can't remember any of it the next day. Miraculously we both agreed on the idea of making a tally chart for everytime he gets angry and lashes out as this is what bothers me personally the most. And also writing down anything horrible he says and re reading it at the end of the day, he said this would help as he is a visual learner. Please understand that I'm trying my hardest to help but maybe I don't always know the best way to go about it. Many thanks, Melanie x
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Post by vagueandrandom on May 24, 2016 11:05:49 GMT
melanierose I'm glad that I didn't upset you . . .was worried that I might (typical ADHD) I'm trying to think of a simple way to explain what it's like. . . Forget the term 'attention deficit' .. it's not a good descriptor. . ADHD is a lack of filters. .for everything. . .emotions. . senses. . priorities. . .and we spend every moment in public trying really hard to get a grip, stay in control, appear to be relatively normal, not to upset anyone. . .because the majority of us REALLY, REALLY care what other people think about us, because we get it wrong so often. .we often perceive offence, when it doesn't exist. We are our own worst critics and beat ourselves up all the time for failing, causing hurt or embarrassment. . .everything. . .It's like someone with Tourettes who can control their tics for a short time. . but it's exhausting. . . I often forget to wash and eat. . .if it's not as important to me as something else. . .and anger. . .yup! sometimes I explode! I say and do things that I'm even embarrassed about at the time. . then forget. . . I don't have any advice, as such. . .just try to be less critical. . we know what we 'should' do. . don't remind us of our failures! . .when he lashes out. . let him get it out of his system. . have something to use as a punchbag, or things to throw that won't break anything. . .I'm betting that his anger is directed towards himself. . I know that when I get like that, it's through frustration and I need to get it out. . . . .then really need a hug. . . Washing. . .why not offer to run a bath and suggest that if he washes and puts on clean clothes, you can both go out. . .for anything you both like. . Also. . give him space. . time alone. . it's really important. . Once things have become a bit easier, you could maybe suggest going back to the doctor. It sounds like he's finding everything a bit overwhelming at the moment and his coping systems aren't working any more, domestically. I hope this is helpful x
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Post by clubby on May 24, 2016 12:15:45 GMT
Hi melanierose It sounds as if your boyfriend has lost his self-esteem through a crap job. I can understand that totally. Imagine a pot of gold on the top shelf of a kitchen cupboard. You can't quite reach it but you know a standing on a chair will do the trick - but a neighbour has borrowed the chairs for a party and has gone out for the day. The ladder has 3 broken rungs, you've pulled a muscle in your back and the broom handle falls off and hits you on the head just before you manage to hook the pot of gold. The effort is immense, the frustration is immense, the critisism of others is crippling because: You want to You know how to You strive endlessly to But the goal is evasive - Like chasing a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. People with ADHD are not lazy, they just struggle to connect the Want to the Get. His mother is not to blame. No one is to blame. Try to understand without judgement. This is one of the most misunderstood conditions on the planet. Only he can find the way to touch that pot of gold. All you can do is to create a happy household while he tries.
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Post by melanierose on May 24, 2016 13:13:08 GMT
Thankyou very much for both of your replies it really is helping. I am upset generally with the whole situation So will accept any help given, my coping method is to go for a walk on my own as this gives us both time to chill out and I am also terrible for giving the silent treatment but I'm working on that lol! I think we might be getting somewhere slowly as this is the first day ever that he has agreed to not go on his phone for 24 hours which is a big thing for both of us as he does spend every spare minute he has on his phone. My other question was is there any way I can try to explain what depression/anxiety is like because he doesn't seem to understand at all. I am a lot better than I was a couple of years ago but it is still a daily struggle and it doesn't matter how much I explain it to him that you can't just snap out of it and yes the same goes to ADHD. Last question how are partners/ spouses meant to cope with the high level of general irresponsibility as I can't just not say anything when he forgets to feed the dogs for example ? I'm still trying to figure out something for him to get his anger out on ( not me or the dogs!) punching something worked well for me when I had a bad temper but onviously the problem with Adhd is he doesn't know when he's angry He's a gamekeeper and the safest person I know when it comes to gun safety but I don't think target practise would be a good idea when you're angry haha ? Many thanks, Melanie
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Post by clubby on May 24, 2016 19:37:03 GMT
melanierose, when you say you have depression and anxiety I feel sympathy because I know it must be very difficult for you. I am sure you must have coping mechanisms to ensure that the condition doesn't impose undue stress on your relationship. In the same way your partner needs to have coping mechanisms for his adhd and for situations like dog feeding. Forgetting to do things is a massive problem for people with adhd and inadvertently neglecting things destroys us emotionally. We have very poor time based memory and generally our memory needs to be triggered by an event such as a bell going off or walking past the job we have neglected. Not having time based memory is a massive disability which needs a lot of patience, support and understanding to prop up with an appropriate coping mechanism. Try and find a fun way to trigger the dog feeding memory, such as getting the phone to ring "How much is that doggy in the window" tune at the right time.
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Post by vagueandrandom on May 24, 2016 21:10:31 GMT
Gamekeeper? ! melanierose . . What a fantastic job for someone with ADHD Time outdoors, on your own a lot of the time. . making decisions on the hop . . things constantly changing. . I've been thinking about dealing with angry outbursts/tantrums. . When I have them, it's very much like a toddler. . Yes, it's about getting attention. . and expressing my anguish and frustration in a very visible form. . It's childish. . It's embarrassing . . But I have no other way of expressing the way that I feel. . I may say awful, horrible things, which I mean at the time, but am mortified about after because I know how much I've hurt someone. . If this is the same type of behaviour that your boyfriend shows, it's not about you. . it's frustration with himself. . .let him do it. . as long as he's not hurting anyone else. . But acknowledge it. . don't ignore it or walk away. . it needs validation and it will blow over and be forgotten as quickly as it came. .
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adhdwifey
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 7
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Post by adhdwifey on May 26, 2016 20:15:47 GMT
Hi melanierose, just wanted to say a hello really.
We have a little in common as I am a sufferer of depression and anxiety and my other half has 'severe' adhd. He has just been diagnosed, but we have lived together for 7 years
The angry outbursts are something that I have found quite challenging, especially when it's a situation that is stressful for us both. He doesn't have the ability to weigh up the advantages and disadvantages of his behaviour before he reacts so his emotions take centre stage and mine are put in a little box while I stay calm to prevent any further escalation. Usually after these stressful periods I experience a depression, which is what I'm having now that he has started his medication.
My other half understands depression (and is incredibly supportive), but I did have to explain to my Dad once about my depression and I told him it was just that my brain was tired, like a pulled muscle it needed rest and even if you tried to make it do what it normally does, it wouldn't do as well and it was frustrating and that caused me to think bad things about myself. Of course it's not a brilliant explanation, and wouldn't suit everyone's experience but it seemed to satisfy his curiosity
With your other half not wanting to read things, I wonder if he reads anything? My hubby finds reading really hard work but has been listening to podcasts on adhd and has watched YouTube videos on it to help learn more about his condition, would he be interested in that sort of thing?
I feel like I've waffled a lot - sorry about that! I don't think I've ever talked about his symptoms to anyone else before
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Post by melanierose on May 27, 2016 10:48:40 GMT
He's a gamekeeper and he loves it! He has also recently got into fishing with a friend which I think will be brilliant for him. He really is trying his best at the moment with obviously the occasional outburst for example last night I got home to two fed and groomed dogs a clean lounge and washing up done with a clean oven and I was so impressed as he's never done anything without me asking him too. I showed him how happy I was and we sat down and had an adult conversation which is also rare but then he got upset that I hadn't given him a hug but he did later apologise which is also a step in the right direction ! It's lovely to hear from someone in a similar situation and that you're still together after 7 years he will read short paragraphs or longer texts if he knows it means a lot to me but videos on adhd and even depression/ anxiety would definitely help him, don't know why I hadn't thought of it before ! Well done to you for staying calm when your partner has an angry moment as this is something that I struggle with as I tend to shout at him to stop but this just aggravates things so this is definitely something I need to work on. We both love going for walks and this is something that helps both of us and we both enjoy it. Any help experiences or thoughts are greatly appreciated so please don't feel that you're ranting at all and thankyou for all your help x
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