butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Jun 12, 2016 21:09:29 GMT
Hi All, I've been dipping in and out of the forum reading your posts for some months now and only decided to post a thread. My partner has not been formally diagnosed but I managed to persuade him to do an online test nearly a year ago and as he put it 'he passed with flying colours'.
To give you a brief outline to our relationship, I met my partne 10yrs ago and he was at the time living with his then partner but living seperate lives as their relationship was failing. He wanted to sell the house they owned but said he felt like he was throwing her out of her home as she did not want to sell it. He would sometimes use his daghter as an excuse whom he had from a different relationship and didn't live with him and woud tie himself up in knots not knowing how to sort things out (Procratination). Cutting a long story short, I then realised he was struggliing/suffering with something so he then went to CBT which helped him and eventually he left his ex with the house (that's the best he could cope with at the time). After 6mth's we set up home together but it has been such hard work! I felt like he wanted to manipulate thing's his own way and I'm a very strong women, he dosn't like noise so I have to take my time when walking around upstairs at knight and I'm unable to have the windows open at knight in the summer (unless extreme temps) as the birds tip's him over (his word's). I noticed that just before we go on holiday he would become abusive and acuse of not being organised or make anything up to have a go at me but never made any sense. Although he drives around the city with his job he is unable to drive out of the city without nearly killing us on the motorway only doing about 30/40 miles hr so I do the driving. When we met he adored but now his attention is on his daughters dog as his daughter now lives us in between travelling. When I express that we are not having an adult relationship and that he is too intense with the dog he said he likes her around him and she makes him feel calm and asks if I'm jealous. Sometimes it's quite emabarassing to watch and pisses me off when he comes in from work and go's straight to kiss the dog and I get nothing unless I moan. He dosn't play computer games like a lot of ADHDer's but he is obsessed with the tv, he records everything he watches and dosn't move from the tv once he's home from work and walked the dog until exctly midnight. He ignores me and people around him and sayes he didn't hear them, he continuely interupts, is inappropriate and talks a lot when it's something he wants to talk about ( you guy's get what I mean)
I've always considered myself as a well rounded, laid back person but I've changed. I nag, snipe, bitch and spend a lot of time in my room as most times I'm ignored and he would rather sit with the dog wrapped around him. When he did the test I felt such relief and that we stood a chance and even got engaged last year. I asked him what he wanted to do to help manage his condition as he did not feel he wanted to go to the Dr's etc. I found a local support group for us both and he said I should go and bring back info. I only went a couple of times as I felt it wasn't right without him. I've told him that it's ok me having an understanding of who he is but if he dosn't take steps to look at thing's for himself then how can he make any adjustments in order for him to live a better life for himself and us as a couple. He has stated that he knew something was not right with himself most of his life which has impacted on him not being totally happy and has answered a lot of questions for him!!
Sometimes I sit in my room so frustrated that I actually feel like self harming although I know I never would. I do feel for him and have tried so so hard to be supportive but he has done absoloutely nothing since last year. He's aware I'm also on the forum and have asked him to take a peak when he's on his on and feels ready but my God enough's enough!
I love him but not sure if I can live like this anymore or for the rest of my life. My children are grown and flown the nest and I want to live the rest of my life being happy not feeling like someones carer.
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Post by annie on Jun 12, 2016 22:00:05 GMT
Hi there
Who knows if your partner has ADHD or not. An online test can give some pointers but it can only be confirmed by a psychiatrist who specialise's in the condition.
As you have been dipping in and out of the forum, you will see that there are many adults who are seeking an explanation about the difficulties they experience and are looking for ways to overcome these difficulties. However, your partner doesn't seem to be willing to take that first step in acknowledging that his way of coping with life's difficulties may be part of his problem and creates problems for other people.
Without this motivation on his part, I suspect you're on a hiding to nothing. Sorry not to be more helpful.
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adhdwifey
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Post by adhdwifey on Jun 16, 2016 14:57:26 GMT
Hi Butterfly
I didn't want to 'read and run', it sounds as if you're really unhappy
I think the problem with not having a diagnosis is that you're potentially spending a lot of time learning about something that your partner might not have. There are a few different illnesses that mimic some of the symptoms of adhd
You've planted the seeds with your other half, and now it is up to him whether he wants to seek a diagnosis or not. When it came to it with my other half, it was only when he was in a situation where he could not cope anymore that he started learning about adhd and seeking out a diagnosis. When he started reading into it, he was incredibly surprised about how much of his life difficulties were, in fact, symptoms (and therefore things that might be made easier with treatment), but before then he just thought it was a small part of his personality and something that made him do things quickly (actually he moves quickly, but it doesn't get things done quickly because he is unable to plan the quickest way to do it!)
If you're having thoughts about self-harming, do you think you might benefit from some form of counselling yourself? Might give you the space to focus on your own feelings and what you want from life. It sounds a lot like there is a lot of energy that goes into what he wants and I can really feel a sense of treading on eggshells from you. Is there anything you'd rather be doing of an evening than sitting in your room while he watches his programs?
I think in living with anyone there's always going to be stuff that annoys and compromise to be made, the question is whether they are things that you think you can live with or not, regardless of whether anyone has adhd or not. The being ignored thing is something I only experienced recently with my hubby and I found I was telling him less and less about my day, my thoughts and my feelings (as he wasn't actually listening anyway) - thankfully this was relatively short lived as medication started, but if it had continued indefinitely I'd have gotten pretty lonely after a while - I don't think I could stay in a relationship forever like that (though I'm sure plenty could)
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Post by JJ on Jun 17, 2016 0:01:04 GMT
He's treating you badly. You're allowing him to by staying in a relationship that's giving you nothing and making you feel terrible. Look up codependency. He's not prepared to do anything to help himself, even though he knows you're unhappy, so why are you ok with giving everything and not getting anything in return? You've got one life, don't waste the rest of it on someone who doesn't care about you.
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Post by marionk on Jun 18, 2016 3:34:41 GMT
None of the problems you mention sound particularly ADHD, apart from procrastination, and even that doesn't like ADHD procrastination.
Try looking up 'pathological task avoidance'. Personally, I couldn't live with someone like that.
Borderline personality disorder is another possibility, also Aspergers/ASD.
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Jun 19, 2016 20:36:57 GMT
Hi all, Thank you to you all that have posted back to me!! It is so so possible that my partner does not have ADHD and as mentioned, unless he gains a difinitive diagnosis then it could be anything or just his personality, however after he completed the online test he did say that he's known all of his life that he felt different in some way! What's most frusatrating to me is that he's not done a thing about it since we first explored this a year ago!!
In response to why would allow someone to treat me this way - The reason I have held on to this point is because whatever is going fo him, I have know idea what it must feel like and so wanted to be respectful and supportive the best I could. That said, I realise that even though he may make the right noises when I touch on the subject of working through this etc that he knows the impact it is having on me to a certain extent,yet still nothing is done!
Every other day the mantra going on in my head is that I will leave anyway as I know I could not handle this for the rest of my days! If he does not have the strength inclination or be harsed then really why should I.
I thank you all again for taking the time to read my previous lengthy post and showing your support and which I sincerely appreciate!
I will keep you posted.
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Sio
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Post by Sio on Sept 12, 2017 15:59:54 GMT
hi butterfly,
I'm new to his forum and going through somewhat similar experiences but we don't live together so it's not as intense and I don't have a dog to contend with for affection. How are you getting on? Did your husband get a diagnosis? I hope you are doing better than you were last year.
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Sept 13, 2017 21:33:38 GMT
Hi Sio, Welcome to the forum although I've not been on here for some time. Well not much as changed! My partners still not gone for a diagnosis although he did speak to a nurse 're being referred but was told he would have to self refer. He's been on medication for anxiety for some years but had been struggling with panic attacks recently but since his meds have been changed he's been a little better himself in coping with every day life especially work. However, nothing has changed really in the way he lives his life and the impact it has on our relationship!!For example, when we go out I have to order the meals ask for the bill which is not a problem but not all the time, he won't even complain if the foods not right. I mean who drink warm milk because the coffees run out of the machine and then sayes I don't mind milk just so he does not have to sort it. I challenged about a yr ago because he thought I was having an affair when I was going away with a new friend for a wknd. What came out of it is that what ever I told him he was not listening so eventually I stopped talking. I explained that I can't live in a bubble with him sitting on the couch, watching tv & stroking the dog from the moment he comes in from work until he goes to bed. He broke down and said that he doesn't like living his life this way but does not know how to sort it!! To cut a long long story short not much as changed. I realise that I'm now the worst form of me because of how I am now am with him and am unhappy. I've decided I am going to leave as I can't be making him happy anymore also. Once again, I'm thinking of him so just trying to get things in order for his sake before I sit down and have the big talk with him. It is all really sad because I really thought I would marry him but I would be entering into a life of being someone's mother and some what carer and not an adult relationship that I was signing up for.
How long have you been with your partner and what are the challenges that you both deal with?
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Sept 13, 2017 21:36:01 GMT
Hi Sio I realise you have posted your situation so will read through now.
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