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Post by shiningbright on Jul 4, 2016 11:57:51 GMT
I wanted to put a more philosophical or intellectual title but I simple couldn't get my brain to work so I left it as that. Joy of joys lol. Okies, thanks marionk for suggesting I start a diary thingy. Worth a try right ;-) Well, my thought of today is that I hate mornings. Or rather I'm starting to really hate me in the morning. Doesn't matter how well I sleep, or how well rested I am, or how happy I am. It's afternoon before I'm able to gather the ability to focus on anything for longer then a few minutes at a time. Kinda like my brain is in a fog and I'm so disappointed in myself. I have a simple plan - real simple: - wake up, do breakfast, nappies, etc. (play with boys) and read a bit with the boys. - then housework, clean the whole house (or the main places anyway) with hoovers, wipes, duster, whatever needs doing. - cook lunch and dinner for family, feed the boys and make OH breakfast (he wakes around 1/2pm cos he works nights) - clean the kitchen - do so reading or educational stuff with the boys and play with them, maybe crafts or science experiments also. - paperwork, the bane of my day but can't be avoided. - more time for my boys ideally, but in reality I'm so busy with paperwork that I'm still on it by this time. - feed boys dinner, baths, bedtime with some play and, ideally, readying/story time before bed. - feed my OH (if he's home), remember to eat myself also. - clean away whatever is messy, toys n toy box, pens away, that kinda thing. - clean kitchen - Spend some time with OH if he's home but he's normally not so not sure why I even bother putting this in the list - paperwork for as long as I can then bed Okay, I made that look really complicated: Basically I want to wake up, clean, cook, eat, boys education and bonding, dinner, family time, bed. I'd love to omit the paperwork but it's like a ever present weight i can't shift. So no point dreaming about something I can't alter. It doesn't work out and I'm left stressing and fretting and beating myself up :-( All I've ever wanted to be is wife and mother, why can't life be as simple as that :-(
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 5, 2016 10:21:17 GMT
Well, yesterday was a flaky day, so emotionally all over the place.
My OH says he his praying for more kids, he said "Why can't we have one each year? Waiting 2 - 3 years between baby's is not what I'd hoped for." and though I know it's not my fault we've not concerned again yet, I still feel guilty and sad.
In his defense - he wasn't taking a stab at me. He blames himself as much as I blame myself, even thought we both know it's not in our hands we're both deperate for more kids. He still loves me, that can never be doubted. But the 'problem' does lie with me. It's my ovarys not releasing eggs yet (my baby is on one breastfeed per day now, he's over 1 yr old but still I'm not fertile yet).
Tomorrow is Eid and I'm wanting to bake, or to do something, but don't think I'll have the time or energy too once today is over with. I'm not gonna do fancy cooking of loads of stuffs like most Muslim families I've met do. I'll make some salwine (my OH favourite) and then to cook as normal, might make chicken dhall but that is timely. Not that I've not got the free time. My OH will be with my cowife most of tomorrow and the rest of the week. I'll see him and the kids for a couple hours tomorrow, but then I may or may not see him tomorrow night, Thursday, etc. Until Friday when he goes back to London.
I've been trying to get on with today's stuff but all I can think about it that I'll not see my OH much, that my cowife hates me (which rationally I'm sure she doesn't) and that I should bake. And mostly ways to get fertile again - I'm getting really upset about this :-(
No point really in baking because the only ones who'd eat it are the kids and me. I wanted to make stuff for the family (including cowife) but OH said not to bother. Even though I know I'll get some plates of left overs from their Ed party tomorrow, they'll cook loads. So no point my cooking really either, I'll have too much food wasted if I cook and get given food also.
I'm also upset cause I thought my bills were coming on on Friday, but they went out this morning so I need to ask my OH for money for shopping and covering the overdraft :-( He doesn't mind but I don't like showing how stupid I am.
I did ask my OH to take us out for the day sometime next week. I don't think he fully grasped my meaning (he can't see why anyone would want to go out) and he'll probably think our quick trip to visit a house today will count - I tried to explain that I want to go somewhere and make memories with our kids. I don't care if anyone joins us, I'm open to company, so long as my boys are part of the party. I feel they're too often left out and I don't want it to effect their relationship. I'll have to keep reminding him.
I only go out to go to the shop because I don't like going out alone and my OH is hardly here between work and cowife.
Sorry about the post, just feeling very sad today. I'm trying to focus on work and all I can think about is my 'temporary' infertility, my lack of company and my overall uselessness. I now me, i'll be fine come evening time - I'm always happier later in the day lately.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 5, 2016 11:01:50 GMT
What I'm thinking: I'll not be able to get fertility help from Dr until 2 things happen - 1 I stop breastfeeding for 3 months. and - 2 I loose weight and get from my current 18 stone, to 12 or less. Stopping breastfeeding isn't an option until baby is 2 yrs old (it's his right to have my milk if he desires it). Loosing weight fast is. but it involves alot of will power and self awareness on my part, especially as I'll still be feeding my family different meals. So, based on my 2 years worth of research I've come up with lists of foods and a kinda diet plan that i think I can live with. If I can keep to it then I'll start seeing a difference around mi weight in a month or two, and then in a year I'd likely get down to the desired weight. It's fast paced and hard but worth it. Basically it's Breakfast: Fertility smoothie with some from or protein/carb like oats or eggs etc (can alternate each day so i don't get too bored of it) Day snacks (not lunch really): Anything from the 'approved list' as desired though the day, careful not to over eat (not something I need to worry about in the day time). Dinner: a Full and normally meal with the family but taking a slightly smaller portion then normal, each day until I'm used to the smaller portions. Allow myself 1 sweet treat each day while I adapt. And allow myself one 'unhealthy' family meal each week, until I adapt. Fertility smoothie is a base of avocado and banana mixed with any fruit really and any veggies of desire each day. Approved foods: Eggs - 1/2 per day max, Yams - a portion a day ideally (or as often as possible - I can cook a large yam into mash, then devide into portons to freeze and defrost each night for the next day), kiwi 1/2 a day, Milk - two glasses of whole milk per day max, steamed veggies - as desired per day, Asparagus as desired, Nuts (almods and walnuts) a handful per day (about 100gs), seeds (pumpkin, sunflower or halon) a teaspoon per day as desired. Spinach as desired daily. Red meat 2/3 times per week (as part of meal), chicken 2/3 times per week (in meal). Also a daily glass of lemon, lime and cucumber water (before breakfast) can help with weight loss. On top of all that I should start with 30 minutes exersize per day, plus 20 minutes on the treadmill, until I can work up til doing more. *sigh* that all sounds so good, but I'm too stupid and lazy to actually see it past the first three days :-( I really need to sort myself out for my kids sake, and for my future health. yet i just fail every time I try
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 6, 2016 7:09:07 GMT
Rid Mubarak!
Love and prayers to everyone :-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 6, 2016 13:54:45 GMT
Can one upload a picture to here? Nothing personal like faces of anything :-) just wondered
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Post by marionk on Jul 6, 2016 15:57:40 GMT
I don't think you can upload pictures here, but you can certainly link/include images that have been uploaded to a site like flickr or photobucket. There's even a nice button for it, below the italic button.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 6, 2016 16:15:51 GMT
I don't have any of those. Oh well.
I made some cupcakes today. As well as the salwine for my OH.
Just made 6 mini cupcakes and 6 big ones. I cheated and used a box kit but the kids won't mind. I lost my confidencein the kitchen recently, after being told if I was a better house keeper and cool then my OH wouldn't have married again- really upset me (especially as it's not why he remarried, I encouraged him too). So I'm slowly building my cooking confidence again. The kids are ace, they often request certain dishes cos they like them done my (or my toddler's lol) way.
Just relaxing today, not doing anything really. Got left overs for dinner. Just sat waiting for when my OH will return/visit and such. Mostly I'm playing woth my boy's.
My 3 yr old has been asking me to write words- he says the word then I write it down then we sound it out together letter by letter. Today's words of choice were: some, pen, lid, toy box, toys and his name. He then did some drawing and such.
Then took them for a walk/play in the garden but it's a communal garden in a council flat and I saw loads of broken glass and such that I just brought my boy's back inside.
Got to remember to take photos of the glass while the weather is good. The last time someone came out it was raining and she couldn't clearly see what I was on about - she said to take pictures and email them to the council and they'd send a caretaker to clean it up. There areplenty kids here but not one's uses the garden but the council won't fix it. If my boy's get hurt before we can move to a safer house then I'll sue them >_< been here for nearly 2 years and they've still not done anything about it.
I send my OH a message today, telling them that I need to talk to him about why I'm feeling so stressed and tired all the time (I had an apithany of sorts about it earlier), I'll likely not get the chance til next week but at least he knows that I need to talk about it which is helpful. Once he has time then we'll talk. I just hope I've not lots my nerve or mind by then lol.
I keep telling myself that I should write it down while i remember but I'd rather do that when kids are out of the way so I can focus (or cry) as needs be lol :-)
Now I've done some baking I really wanna bake again lol. But from scratch. I'm shy of ingredients until next week mind so it can wait. And next week I'm gonna be so busy with paperwork I w/o t hardly be able to think let alone bake. Oh well. Roll on the stress :-(
My boy's are amazing :-)
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Post by marionk on Jul 6, 2016 17:30:04 GMT
Ok I've only just put two and two together . . .
You are saying you are infertile, but you have a child under 1 year old, (as well as at least one other young child?).
That is not infertility!!!!!
A baby every year is not good, neither for you nor the fetuses/babies/children. Breast feeding is natures way of telling your body you already have a baby to care for, and if you are healthy and not stressed, this will prevent ovulation for possibly as much as a year. If you do get pregnant while still breast feeding, this will set up a conflict in your body, and may reduce the quality and/or volume of your milk, and or may cause the fetus to miscarry.
While it is true that many animals (other mammals) have at least one baby once a year, they are either born much more capable of fending for themselves, or mature much faster or both.
ok I think I should leave it at that, or I'll get stroppy about 'natural' v pharmaceutical remedies too!
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 6, 2016 18:44:22 GMT
I know it's a tempary infertility, My ovaries are on pause, but there is no harm in babies close together if the parent is heathly and has a healthy lifestyle and diet.
My OH had an aunt who had 17 children in as many years. He's in his late 30s and wants to be able to enjoy his kids even when they're older, So having kids younger makes more sense.
I know I'm not as band as with millions of women world wide and I'm grateful for what I've got. But it doesn't lessen the broodiness, it's a obsession inside my brain. I can't help it. And with the kids asking me every time I see them and the cowife leaving all the baby making side of things to me (she has her reasons and I don't mind but one a year doesn't have to be from my womb in our family style).
I'm not a fan of Dr treatments either but when you're stressed its part of what your brain thinks off. Hense why I want to focus on diet rather then doctor (also by way of distraction).
But, honestly, I'm a walking mess of hormones at the minute anyway. I'm not really stressed by my fertility being on pause, not really (I had an apithany today about the causes of my stress lately) and it isn't to do with fertility at all. My brain just used that because I didn't want to deal with my real internal fears and insecurities. Which I'm aware off now and can try to correct and then, hopefully, I'll return back to my functioning crazy self rather then the stressed crazy me ive been the growing months :-)
Thanks for the comment btw :-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 7, 2016 17:47:09 GMT
Hi all, Hope I'm not a eyesore or anything by posting again. Sorry if I am, I just have no where else I can talk/vent about my crazy brain without being treated like a freak. At least here we can all relate on some level, we all struggle with our focus/attention. And ultimately that's why I'm here.
So, today has been a good day emotionally. I feel like I've done so much but have nothing physical to show for it.
I relaxed in the morning with my boys. Then viewed a house with my OH (where the vender directed most of her conversation to me because she didn't care how I dressed or the assumptions around Muslim couples - her experience is that the woman is always incarge even if the men don't realise it). She made me laugh bit the house was no good. I really prefer the one we saw the other day.
In the afternoon I took my kids to a local play area in the council estate behind me (best thing about council estates is access to play areas lol), they had fun but lots interest when other kids came toplay (my boy's are super social with adults but with other kids they just stand and stare). We had fun and enjoyed the sun. Then nipped to the shop after.
Just put the boy's to bed early so I can work on some exam papers tonight. Hopefully I'll be able to mark them tonight then organise them tomorrow night and I'll take a nap during the day tomorrow to help with my energy levels.
Had a chat with my OH today about being overworked and stressed. He helped me feel better and we worked together to make a plan of action where he told me if I don't manage the time frame he'll understand but that I should try without stressing myself out.
He also told me that in the coming weeks he might be able to take some of the workload off me from his current employment so I can focus on kids and school. My cowife and her eldest say they want to help out more and he also things I should get some monetary reward for my hard work - though what I need money for I don't know lol. It's the thought that counts.
He was and is always very supportive. I'm very blessed.
I've picked up some chocolate to give me a small dopamine boost to help me to these exams. Once I can focus they're super easy to mark ('cause I've memorised the answer booklet) but only if I can focus. So boys to bed, a drink and some food then I'll hopefully be able to focus. We shall see.
Might as well use my hyper focus stuff to my advantage if I can.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 7, 2016 19:14:21 GMT
Funny story - I talked to my dad today to seek his advice. He is like me in how he thinks so many things and alternates tween highs and lows of focus and energy. He's been in the world longer then me and has adapted his whole life to match his uniqueness.
He's a market man/euntrpanee (I often joke he's a Dell boy and he doesn't disagree lol). He travels around the fair's and markets of the southern states of America, selling stuff he buys on his adventures in China and the same. He has tons of inventions and has started more then a dozen different businesses in the last few years bless him. He understands my brains quirks in ways no one else in my family does (I likely inherited it from him lol).
Anyway, Sorry I digress, so today I ask him for his advice. I'm trying to focus on exams but my brain is running at hyper speed on a completely different track, I'm so buzzed by this new thought train but I'm also pai fully aware of the work I'm meant to be doing. So I ask him what does he do to get back on track when his brain does this, hoping maybe for some wisdom or advice I might might helpful or distracting.
Well, The funny part now, He laughs and says he wishes he knew because he's got the same problem now lol. Hrs meant to be preparing for his next market but instead all he can think aboutis the marketing and production plans of his latest business scheme.
I found it really funny.
And now back to the jolly essays :-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 9, 2016 10:03:44 GMT
I marked all the exams, there were two sets of about 100, so it took some time.
Now I need to fill out some forms (that I've never had to do before, in the past the company has always done it but now I have too - he boss hasn't spoken to me in a while, probably doesn't want to get a telling off, I'm not as shy of telling them what I think as my OH is), which is two simple sheets of paper per student but it'll take longer then doing the exams because I've got to find in different databases (not all in one) DoBs, refrence numbers, start dates, etc. Very vexing.
I really hope to get it finished today so that tomorrow I can focus on the resources I need to make and updated for next week.
Then next week I can focus on the school, which will never get off the floor without me.
I'm still a little bitter about my workload, but nothing can be done about it without disruption tot he family, so I've just got to keep going and do what I can.
I am adament to take the time out today to take my boys out for an adventure, maybe on a bus (weather isn't great for a trip to the park), so they can run arround and don't feel all cooped up inside the house.
Trouble is I'm struggling to focus 'cause all I can think about is my boys, the school we want to open and how much I miss my OH 9he;s away this weekend) and how lonely i feel...
I had friends but I feel betrayed by two of them - one who used me to manipulate her husband and caused hm upset (he's the best friend to my OH and he's had loads of hardship, he doesn't deserve this), one who forgets about me for months at a time no matter how often I try to contact her and only replies when it suits her, and one who used to be like a sister to me but she let her family persuade her that we shouldn't be friends and has turn everything tween us into a competition. I feel so sad about it.
it's not easy for me to make friends, i'm not a social person. When people meet me they think I am, because i'm friendly and self-confident and happy to talk on any subject but really, finding friends who actually value my compnay for more then the 'she's weird but funny' side line is so hard I gave up years ago. And people just tired me out, I can't focus in a room full of people, it's all so overwhelming but when I'm in a small group of people, there are so many distractions that I can't focus then either.
My OH doesn't understand my need for company sometimes, he thinks he's odd because he's seen me after I've been in the company of even one person for an hour and how tired and emotional I am, he thinks ' why put yourself through that'. Can't win lol: damned if I do or don't...
Other then that I'm fine, procrastinating rather then working but I'll get around to it.
My dad gave me the worst advice the other day - If it's not as fun as the stuff inside your head then just leave it too tomorrow, who cares. I was so vexed with him, I have people who reply on me, people who need me. He has no one who relies on him, not even me as he left when I was a toddler, so he can do whatever the hell he wants with his life but if I don't do my work then it has a knock on effect within the household (same as if other members of the family don't pull their weight - part of being a family). I just replied with 'tomorrow never comes, it's always today' but boy did it vex me... Different perspectives I guess.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 9, 2016 17:10:58 GMT
shiningbright I hope you managed to get your boys out to give you all a break You put that perfectly, you could have been describing me! I do like being social and get a buzz out of bouncing ideas around, but it's exhausting and I need plenty of time to be on my own too. "Weird but funny" is me. . people seem to like my company, but don't want me as a friend. . I'm trying to work out why. . I can be very intense, am blunt to the point of rudeness, say inappropriate things, don't know what's supposed to be private and blab people's 'secrets'. . I'm opinionated and can be loud and dominating in conversations. . .I know all of this, but can't seem to do anything about it, especially when I get carried away with the excitement! But I can also distance myself . . .disappear inside my own head, find everything too loud, too much and I run away and/or hide. .
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Post by Elle11 on Jul 9, 2016 20:46:54 GMT
Can I ask, what is a cowife?
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 9, 2016 21:29:31 GMT
@vaugeandrandom I'm glad I'm not alone, it's so hard sometimes to connect with people, to build bonds. I am very friendly and open, I am like a safe when it comes to other peoples information (secrets and such) but when it comes to my personal stuff I don't consider my own history too personally - I feel that if people can access all my info that they might want too, then gossip and fake tales are less likely.
We never went out, but I didn't get much work done either. i was getting so fuddled with all the different spreed sheets and tables and little details in so many different places, that I spent time putting all the info I needed on one sheet so I can just use what I need to. Then i spent time playing and having fun with my boys.
@elle11 --- My OH has more then one woman. I've been getting alot of grief lately, that I'm not used too, so I'm a tad deffensive, so I'll brefly explain that we're not breaking any laws, we're in a happy polygamous relationship which works for us and we're happy. It's a different lifestyle and it's not for everyone, but it's a wonderful part of our life. I love my cowife like my own sibling, to me she is my sister. And I love her children as I love my own, and my children call her mother also. All the children love each other and love being together. My cowife has been unwell a lot lately so I've given my OH permission to give her some extra time with her that he would normally spend with me, I miss him but I understand that my cowife has needs and I trust that she'd do the same thing for me if I should ever need it. She lives a long way away which is causing hardships as her family, who were kind to start with, started talking about each of us behind our backs and it has caused her a lot of upset and confusion, so she's become a little distant of late. But I still adore her and I hope she'll come back to us soon. If you have any questions feel free to ask, I only ask that you ask politely and respectfully as I've had a lot of abuse about it lately and it's made me a little shy. Sorry :-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 9, 2016 23:33:51 GMT
So it's half past midnight and I'm so so so tired but just can't seem to switch off and sleep. My eyes are hurting and itch and my body is blah but I just can't switch off. I'm hoping a shower will help but that involves taking these plaits out >_< sod brishing it til tomorrow though lol and gotta find a towel in the dark to wrap my hair in while i sleep without waking the boy's...
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 11, 2016 9:25:22 GMT
How is it that I've worked so long and yet gotten so little done?!? I'm barely half way though my exam paperwork, aall the exams are marked, but the sheets that require different sets of details is taking a much longer time then expected, even after I put it all on one table/spreedsheet for ease. It's just so fidderly. Instead, yesterday, my brain was busy: - puzzling out the dress code/uniform policy for the school I'm hoping to open. - in awe of my son who loves writing and drawing but only when he can do so with me, he likes the interactions - feeling like I must appoligise to the people in my life who I hurt in my teen crazy years. I managed to do plenty of writing and reading and talking with my boys. I rang my mum and thanked her for the good stuff she did for me (I'm always trying to forget aboutt he bad stuff) and told her that I love her. I rang a old friend of the family from school/church, who'd known me since I was about 6 I'm guessing. I never knew what love towards me, or what a loving married relationship looked like until I met this family, they're so close to my heart but I'd never had a chance to thank them and to say sorry for the disrespect I gave them when I was a rebellious teenager, so I did that yesterday and had a lovely conversation with her. They're ill and live too close to my mum for me to see them very often, but I'll have to ask my OH to take us over when next he can, they haven't met my youngest yet bless them. And I think I puzzled out the dress/uniform policy for the school quite well. Enough for me to be able to write it down (later, after exam papers) and start focusing on other aspects for he school - mainly my brain is now working on the curriculum for subject 'art and design'. I'm struggling so hard to block out the sounds of my children playing to focus on my work, they seem to loud and OTT but I know, rationally, that they're playing the same as ever poor lads. And the mess in the living room keeps interrupting my concentration also. I could hardly sleep last night I was so stressing over my planned deadlines going over - i had hoped to have these exams sorted by Saturday, then work for the resources/curriculum my OH needs for work next week this week, there after focus on the school stuff. also have a plan for a development recourse for my little kids, so I can see where they are at and what they need help with, it's all planned out in my head but I've not got the time to out it to paper lol. So I text my OH last night and he said not to worry, just do what I can and work one step at a time until I reach my goals. He said not to give up. I also want to make myself some motivational posters - like I used to do in college - some of my favourite quotes from the Quran, and something I keep telling myself lately "to be better, you must first do better." And that's nagging in the back of my head. I'm happy now though, talking to my OH last night has helped to relax and unstress a little bit, but I'm still sad about my time keeping skills. I'm so glad that my cowife wants to take on more of these papers on the next round, I'll be too busy by then with the school to do these (I can't do both at the same time), and she wants to prove that she can do also. I don't mind, I'm not proud lol. Anyway, back tot he grind stone lol :-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 11, 2016 9:44:09 GMT
Reoccurring concern, my OH doesn't think I need to worry about it, but we're planning to open a business/school together. I'll be doing pretty much everything to start with, until we have enough money to hire more staff and then my OH can quit his job and take over for me. but even then, I'll still be working part time at the company as a kind of staff trainer and quality checker. I've very particular about the kind of service we will offer and my OH isn't as confident in that area as I am. He said that over time, he hopes to be able to hire a ghost writing of sorts to do the curriculum so that I can return to being mother first. Until then I have to put alot of work in, something I am used to doing but not used to being able to keep up for long periods of time. The only jobs I've successfully held for longer then a year in the past was nannying, when I didn't have to work with anyone else lol. Whenever I had a job in the past, I'd get lots of positive comments, great references but just couldn't stay for long for whatever reason. Work and me just don't get along. I don't want to let anyone down by failing at this :-(
Whenever I tell my OH he says I needn't worry so long as I talk to him. Because he'll be my manager, he says, and if I fail it's because he failed me. So if I struggle or get overwhelmed by anything I should tell him, he'll tell me what needs to be prioritised and focused on more and will help me to organise myself as I'm not good at self organisition. To him it's not a concern and I'm so grateful for his trust and confidence in me. i just wish I could be so sure of myself. but I'm a stubborn lass and i hate not trying, so I'll give it all I have and hope that my OH will be able to help me when I get stuck.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 11, 2016 10:19:29 GMT
Great, now the kids are playing up because i won't play with them (I'm trying to work) and it's distracting me so much poor lads. I feel such a crappy mum :-(
They normally play happily by themselves for an hour or so, while I work and talk to them, but today they don't seem to want to do so... Probably teething or something,t hey're very clingy today ...
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 11, 2016 21:55:18 GMT
Well, I'm well and truely shattered lol. Most of the exam papers are done, just got to organise them and pack them and add the odd last date or code to some of them. Will take about and hour or two to do, inshaallah, and I want to try and sleep. So i'll finish it off tomorrow.
I'm also going to go out tomorrow, to a indoor chidlren soft play that a ten minute walk. My lad is so excited he was telling the sun to come so we can go and he doesn't want to sleep lol. It'll do us all good to get out and have some running around. Then come home, get back to work and then cook lol. Nice day out and a nice break inshaallah ;-)
I also wrote a nice todo list today about the things that I've not fnished that are nagging in the back of my brain, uncompleted tasks and such, hopefully that will help me focus a little. I've also written a little reminder goals note for this week and a list of things I want to talk to my OH about when he gets back.
The latter is a little embaressing as I'm not normally the cort to complain, but I'm sure he'll understand. He always tells me to get it out as best as I can and then clean it up afterwards, he's so pacient with me ;-)
Rightio, nightie night
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 12, 2016 23:45:31 GMT
Finally finished the exam papers. Well in truth I have three more sheets thag just need some dates and codes added but I had to print them off and I'm too tired to do them now so they'll take 5 minutes in the morrow.
Not rest for the wicked mind.
I had a great time out with my boys, they loved the play area and I even got to jump on a trampoline which was super fun lol.
Also did some drawings of the possible logo for our school/business which was relaxing.
Too bed now them to work again tomorrow. In the morning put the house to rights and cook for the evening. Then get on with some play with the boy's and after lunch back to work for the resources for my OH who looks to be starting his next project next week. So he needs those asap bless him.
My OH will hopefully be coming home tomorrow and here for the weekend :-) i can't wait. I've not kept to the deadlines we planned but he'll not mind.
Does anyone else go to bed at night and tell themselve when I wake up I'll do this and that and such and it all makes sense and seems so easy yet once morning comes they can barely focus enough to put the kettle on? Mornings are my bane lol,,, oh well what'cha'gun'do lol
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Post by marionk on Jul 13, 2016 5:04:16 GMT
Does anyone else go to bed at night and tell themselve when I wake up I'll do this and that and such and it all makes sense and seems so easy yet once morning comes they can barely focus enough to put the kettle on? Mornings are my bane lol,,, oh well what'cha'gun'do lol Yeah, weird huh?
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 13, 2016 9:07:13 GMT
Does anyone else go to bed at night and tell themselve when I wake up I'll do this and that and such and it all makes sense and seems so easy yet once morning comes they can barely focus enough to put the kettle on? Mornings are my bane lol,,, oh well what'cha'gun'do lol Yeah, weird huh? Very weird, I can;t fathom it. Before I go to bed, in my head, I plan to wake up with my boys, make breakfast, do nappies, and pop on the treadmill for five minutes and still have loads of time for plan and communication with the boys. Yet every morning I struggle to get out of bed and have my kids playing on me more then with me and breakfast always comes in two parts: the fruit/snack based first part that I give them before I'm safely able to operate cultery, and then a 'propper' breakfast of porrage or toast or eggs or whatever. The 2nd part can be as much as an hour or two after we wake up. I always feel so gulty. Like right now I've been awake for two hours, I was just aout to make breakfast when i got a phone call and that distracted me until just now when i thought I'd quickly finish writing this. My kids aren't starving, not by any means, they've had some busicuiits and some fruits and milk, but they're not the best breakfasts in the world poor lads. My brain feels like fuzz or something, like it's fizzy or drunk. I remember once getting drunk when i was younger and hating it because I was still me but my mouth wasn't closed, so every thought in my head came out and it was a mess. My head always feels heavy and fuzzy and something, especially in the morning. So hard to focus on stuff sometimes. Playing with my kids helps but I can't do my work and play at the same time alas ;-( Oh well, I'm not unhappy just fuzzy lol. Maybe we'll all feel better after breakfast - I think I need a cupatea but I know it doesn't make any difference lol :-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 13, 2016 18:31:28 GMT
I've had a great day today. Alhamdullilah.
It was a hard and slow morning, but by about 5pm I was able to focus. Did the last tiny bits of exam stuffs. Then cleaned the kitchen, took the bins out, cleaned the bathroom, tidied up (a little) and the livingroom and (alot in) the bedroom, hoovered, mopped, cooked and sorted laundry out. All without loosing my temper at my boys once :-) I've stayed so calm through it and I'm very happy.
Even when my toddler was trying to clean the toilet (he's a thumb sucker so it scared me alot), I stayed calm and gave him some salt and lemon so he could 'clean' the shower tiles while I sorted the toilet. ANd then sent him to get some water while I qucikly fnished the tiles with soap and sponge. They've been listening to me better aswell, which also helps to keep me calm.
Every ten minutes my lad was asking when his dad would get home and hasn't left his side since he did get home lol (they've just nipped out together to pick the older children up from madrassa), so he's having a great day also.
Only two tantrums all day - once when I was unfocused and fuzzy this morning and he wanted me to play with him. He got upset and we did some writing and drawing together while baby napped. Then this afternoon when baby tried to helped take clothes out of the tumble dryer and my 3 yr old wanted to do it by himself without help. So i gave the baby a bottle to bang about while we worked lol. So, good day :-)
And my OH is here, only for today but still I'm grateful.
Cons - I've got a tooth infection and the dentist I was meant to see yesterday is ill and there aren't any appointments til 23rd. So I've taken some painkillers (not something I do lightly) and will see it through. Also, my sense of smell is on the friztch again so the food I cooked that normally spells nice is making me feel sick so I'll likely end up skipping dinner tonight. I don't mind, I can have some steam veggie snacks.
I'm starting to kinda come down off my high now a little, I can feel myself slowing down and my eyelids getting heavier, but I'll try to make it through 'til this evening :-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 14, 2016 7:13:37 GMT
Another Bonnie morning with ftfuzzy brain and chatty Boys lol. My lad asked m e a question and it took me several minutes and blinks i f the eye to reply with I don't know. I still don't know the answer to his question though I feel like I should, heck I can't even remember the question now lol. It's gonna plague me all day lol.
I had a good night. My oh cuddled me in his sleep (which will keep me Bonnie all week lol) and when our babe played up in the night for the 100th time (no t sure if that's an exsaudratiom or not, probably lol) he asks me ' is that what's he's like every night' which shows he's starting to understand why I'm so tired lol - my baby refuses to sleep that night long though he can when he wants too. He just wakes for attention.
I need to cook breakfast, get everyone's teeth brushed (glad I've got boys and don't need to worry about brushing hair lol, mine often goes days tween brushes) then wake oh at 9 to start the day.
Con - when I had the chance to talked to my oh last night a out emotions and pent up thoughts I kinda blew him off saying it's not important. Now I don't think well get a change today as we're both in and out all day. I could kick myself.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 14, 2016 7:16:06 GMT
My brain this morning is like stepping stones. I can see the path before me, the planned steps and the ones to take but I can't seem to find my balance enough to actually take any steps.
My boy's are drawing all over my work (not the exams- they're safely in another room) and I'm not fussed cos A I cadh redo it and B at least they're not fighting while so out of it...
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 14, 2016 12:35:17 GMT
Weirdness - I'm not prone to travel sickness at all. Heck I've got a stomach of steel. Yet today on the bus I was feeling so sick. Still do but not quite as bad. Very confusing
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 14, 2016 21:17:51 GMT
Oh my word what a day what a day, glad it's bedtime lol. First I kept feeling and being sick on the way to the hospital where my 3 yr old had a dental appointment with xray (broken tooth needs removing poor lad). Anyway, so I just about get out in time dispute my alarms bi t I had the boy's ready half an hour early so I've no idea why I was running late lol. Oh well. Then on the bus I suddenly felt very sick and had to ask another passenger for a nappy bag as I'd run out :-( (those things are super helpful lol). We get to the hospital and all is Rosie, until my baby gets freckled out by all the noise (one room, 24-30am dentist booths and half the kids in them didn't want to be there) it was super loud and I could hardly focus. There were so many things going on andso much noise and just so so so much I couldn't think. Then my baby startedcrying cos he hates noisy and crowded spaces. Then my 3yr old wanted to touch and play with everything. I'm trying to calm my baby down (who is drawing a small and sympathetic crowd from his sceams) and turn back to see my lad helped himself to the mouth mirror thingy off the tray, so glad he didn't pick up the drill. I rwally wanted to pick my baby up but I was so scared I'd drop him around my sickness stuff cos it was such a confined booth and so many things he might land on Then my 3 yr old was so well behaved and so brave but also so unfocused and all over the place and it was super stressful. But it all worked out well in the end. He got lovely xray done first time, let the dentist do as needed doing. On the bus home I kept being sick still and being so tired that I actually let my boy stand up. Something I've never allowed before. Granted he was safe between my legs but still I was shocked at myself. But I needed him there to keep me awake as I was falling asleep on the bus. Them once home I had to say bye to my oh again until the weekend, Fed the boy's and clean up (so glad I did most of that this morning). I've tried eating but still feel sick, not been sick yet so I'm happy. I'm so tired and worn out and unfocused that it's taken me over and hour to write this and I can even remember what I wrote...
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 15, 2016 11:26:21 GMT
So looks like my oh took my keys with him went he went London cos I can't find them anywhere and they were on the same hook (I remember clearly because when I was hanging my keys up yesterday I saw his keys were there so I knew he was home and got super excited lol). Hrs not reply I g to my texts which means he probably sleeping and I have to go out anyway, no choice. But I can't go out without keys until he tells me it's okay. The front door is security locked so no one gonna get in but I wanna be safe and avoid blame lol
Yesterday was bonkers, I've still not absorbed all the memories from it all. Just so many things seemed to happened in a short space of time and I'm totally confounded.
I'm also worried about how my lads might have brains like mine (both a blessing and a curse)- my baby was so overwhelmed by everything he did what baby's can do and he cried- loudly and a lot. And the more strangers tried to calm him the louder he got. He could only be calmed when held or hugged close to my heart and or face. Which was hard as I kept being sick and was scared of dropping or hurting him while being sick :-(
Then my 3 yr old who is amazingly well behaved also has a short attention span but sometimes a long attention span. He did so well there that the Dr is sure that he won't need to be oout fully to sleep and can just have a local to get the tooth out. But he is also so fixated on everything. He turned the dentist seat into a car, the shades he didn't like and so he kept moving the light away. I can't even put my finger on anything specific because when I mention something on its own, like reaching for things, it just sounds like normal kid behaviour. But people who know my lad knows that he's not just the reach out and grab type, he alternates tween being so hyper and unfocused that he'll cry from confusing himself and then at other times he can do one thing for so long that one is amazed. For example yesterdar we came home and he some t nearly ten minutes just jumping around because he was excited to see his daddy. Then earlier in the day he spent ages brushing his teeth because he likes tickling his teeth. He can spend ages on one task then at to her times he won't focus on anything for longer then a millisecond lol.
His drawings are odd ish also. Unlike his older siblings who draw pictures of people and animals and houses and such. Mine spent ages yesterday drawing pipes. Yes pipes. Radiator pipes to be specific. Last week it was fhe printer. He says he can't draw a square yet he draws printers and phones and pipes so well.
He amazes me he really does.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 15, 2016 16:51:30 GMT
I seem to be coming down from whatever weird high I've been on yesterday/today. I'm totally shattered, but I've got a logo drawn for our school, some ideas for motos and such, and ideas for policies and some curriculum subjects - only problem is not having the time to get them down on paper yet lol. They'll sit in my head sin slow cooker mode, slowly stewing and maybe improving, between now and when I'm able to get them on paper, but they'll nag the back of my brain also so I hope I can get them out soon.
I read alot of my texts and such since I 'went funny' yesterday and they are bonkers, my poor OH had no idea what I was on about more of the time and I got into a mostly one sided discussion with my dad on the perception of time and how variable it is. I also sanitised the kitchen only to then cover it in mess again within the same hour. The things I wrote on here all seem perfectly calm and rather nuteral, but I remember that last night it took me an hour to write up just one message lol. Crazy me.
All I want to do now is sleep but I'm super hungry so gonna eat first, take some rest then spend all day tomorrow doing paperwork again :-( I'll need my energy for tomorrow and all that focus required.
Had a good(ish) day today. Went to town with my boys, my OH has my keys so had to leave the door unlocked but nothing to steal here anyway lol.
My son was very charismatic as always, so confident with strangers at shops and such - My baby is more like me in a crowd. He walked home today with a new toy that was given to him for free by a kind shop worker who was smittened by him. And a free charity band/bracelet thingy from some people selling/collecting for a charity - he'd gone up to ask one lady why she was in a wheelchair! I don't know how it happens but it does. Blows my mind - even he asked me on the way home 'why do people give me things?'
But my protective mummy instincts seemed to kick in today with all these people interacting with my son and blow the proverbial cob webs outta my ears.
We bused home and now they're eating while I cook (I need something healthy/unhealthy - so I'm gonna make sausage sarnie lol).
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