Post by Sio on Sept 12, 2017 15:43:45 GMT
Hi,
I'm in a relationship with a man who has been diagnosed with ADHD and is taking medication for it to help with concentration and motivation/drive at work. He was clear from the beginning that there would be issues in the relationship due to the disorder and I at the time, possibly out of infatuation and naivety, didn't grasp the gravity of how the relationship would be affected. It's been about a year and I'm not coping, I am really struggling. I feel that he is unsympathetic towards how I feel because as far as he is concerned he warned me from the offset.
There have been some big arguments along the way which are natural when emotions are running high on both sides but recently I've found myself wondering if I am in an emotionally abusive relationship or if this is how ADHD really plays out. I know that there can be problems with impulse control and tempers and that people with ADHD can be very easily hurt and deeply sensitive, but I find myself treading on eggshells more and more and being fearful not setting him off into intense rages that can last for long periods. For example, I'm not the best with time so I'm hardly a militant with punctuality but if I make any comment whatsoever about us trying to get somewhere or suggesting a way to speed things up then all hell breaks loose and I'm subjected to such rage that I wish I hadn't said anything. I find myself having to second guess what might trigger a tantrum e.g. if we have been invited to something but he hasn't been personally invited (but I have and it says something like partners welcome) which will see him being quite nasty to me and bringing up things have done/said that he says hurt him or mistakes I have made in quite a vindictive way. This triggers further anger as he gets frustrated at his own disproportionate reaction and blames me for making him upset in the first place and then I find myself apologising for something that I'm not sure I'm responsible for to keep the peace.
I've told him how I feel as though I have to tread lightly around him and his response is essentially to blame me for what I say or do. It's a really hard place to be right now. He's said he is not a very forgiving person and I don't know if that is part of the disorder or just him. A lot of the time I feel that I am very patient, especially with time-keeping, I'm learning to keep my mild irritation to myself but on the infrequent occasion I say something without thinking that he doesn't like, he takes it so personally and accuses me of being in contempt of him and resentful of his disorder. This couldn't be further from the truth. I have been working hard to educate myself on how it can manifest and how to support him, and I am making changes but it seems I am not making them fast enough for him and he doesn't seem to want to tolerate hiccups.
He also seems unable to listen how I'm affected in this and how it makes me feel when he rages at me. As the relationship goes on I feel like I have to put more and more of who I am and how I feel out of the way to keep things on an even keel and I feel like I can't do this for much longer.
Is this normal? I feel like when we try and talk to come to some kind of resolution that works for both of us, almost immediately, he goes back to bringing up all the times I've hurt him. I don't know what to do - is anyone else going through something similar?
I don't want to lose this relationship because he is a special guy and I love him wholeheartedly. He can be so caring and thoughtful and I love his unique perspective on things around him, he shares how he sees the world with me and it's a delight. When things are OK we have the most amazing time and everything is great, even the hiccups are manageable. But I'm starting to see that side less and less and I don't know honestly if I can carry on with how things have been recently.
Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Is therapy or seeing an ADHD specialist something that can help with this? How can I get him to understand that I am human and will make mistakes and am not trying to hurt him? One of his constant charges at me is that I'm self righteous and never admit when I am wrong, even though it feels like I am almost always saying sorry or admitting something is my fault to get back on track - if anything to me, it feels like he is the self-righteous one but I can't and don't say that. It feels as though he projects his insecurities about himself onto me - is there a way I can get him to address his thinking that won't lead to more screaming and shouting? I lent him some self help books based around CBT that really helped me with when I was going through a rough time and he hasn't looked at them because he feels his self esteem is fine, but he isn't on the receiving end of his quite upsetting behaviour. What can I do to support myself during this? Does anyone else feel this way?
Completely at a loss and feeling hopeless here Advice from both sides welcome x
I'm in a relationship with a man who has been diagnosed with ADHD and is taking medication for it to help with concentration and motivation/drive at work. He was clear from the beginning that there would be issues in the relationship due to the disorder and I at the time, possibly out of infatuation and naivety, didn't grasp the gravity of how the relationship would be affected. It's been about a year and I'm not coping, I am really struggling. I feel that he is unsympathetic towards how I feel because as far as he is concerned he warned me from the offset.
There have been some big arguments along the way which are natural when emotions are running high on both sides but recently I've found myself wondering if I am in an emotionally abusive relationship or if this is how ADHD really plays out. I know that there can be problems with impulse control and tempers and that people with ADHD can be very easily hurt and deeply sensitive, but I find myself treading on eggshells more and more and being fearful not setting him off into intense rages that can last for long periods. For example, I'm not the best with time so I'm hardly a militant with punctuality but if I make any comment whatsoever about us trying to get somewhere or suggesting a way to speed things up then all hell breaks loose and I'm subjected to such rage that I wish I hadn't said anything. I find myself having to second guess what might trigger a tantrum e.g. if we have been invited to something but he hasn't been personally invited (but I have and it says something like partners welcome) which will see him being quite nasty to me and bringing up things have done/said that he says hurt him or mistakes I have made in quite a vindictive way. This triggers further anger as he gets frustrated at his own disproportionate reaction and blames me for making him upset in the first place and then I find myself apologising for something that I'm not sure I'm responsible for to keep the peace.
I've told him how I feel as though I have to tread lightly around him and his response is essentially to blame me for what I say or do. It's a really hard place to be right now. He's said he is not a very forgiving person and I don't know if that is part of the disorder or just him. A lot of the time I feel that I am very patient, especially with time-keeping, I'm learning to keep my mild irritation to myself but on the infrequent occasion I say something without thinking that he doesn't like, he takes it so personally and accuses me of being in contempt of him and resentful of his disorder. This couldn't be further from the truth. I have been working hard to educate myself on how it can manifest and how to support him, and I am making changes but it seems I am not making them fast enough for him and he doesn't seem to want to tolerate hiccups.
He also seems unable to listen how I'm affected in this and how it makes me feel when he rages at me. As the relationship goes on I feel like I have to put more and more of who I am and how I feel out of the way to keep things on an even keel and I feel like I can't do this for much longer.
Is this normal? I feel like when we try and talk to come to some kind of resolution that works for both of us, almost immediately, he goes back to bringing up all the times I've hurt him. I don't know what to do - is anyone else going through something similar?
I don't want to lose this relationship because he is a special guy and I love him wholeheartedly. He can be so caring and thoughtful and I love his unique perspective on things around him, he shares how he sees the world with me and it's a delight. When things are OK we have the most amazing time and everything is great, even the hiccups are manageable. But I'm starting to see that side less and less and I don't know honestly if I can carry on with how things have been recently.
Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Is therapy or seeing an ADHD specialist something that can help with this? How can I get him to understand that I am human and will make mistakes and am not trying to hurt him? One of his constant charges at me is that I'm self righteous and never admit when I am wrong, even though it feels like I am almost always saying sorry or admitting something is my fault to get back on track - if anything to me, it feels like he is the self-righteous one but I can't and don't say that. It feels as though he projects his insecurities about himself onto me - is there a way I can get him to address his thinking that won't lead to more screaming and shouting? I lent him some self help books based around CBT that really helped me with when I was going through a rough time and he hasn't looked at them because he feels his self esteem is fine, but he isn't on the receiving end of his quite upsetting behaviour. What can I do to support myself during this? Does anyone else feel this way?
Completely at a loss and feeling hopeless here Advice from both sides welcome x