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Post by bluebellwoods on Sept 23, 2017 7:38:29 GMT
I'm in a fledgling relationship with a lovely man who has ADD. I've known about the ADD from the start. He is very self-aware, medicated and considerate towards me, possibly to the detriment of his own health as he knows I spent a number of years previously in an emotionally abusive relationship. I don't need to explain how wonderful an ADD partner can be - I'm experiencing it for myself and it is magical. I know my partner has had a chequered romantic past and I wondered if anyone on here could give me some pointers or experiences about how relationships feel to someone with ADD? Specifically..
How do people with ADD feel about making future plans? (I am a 'planner' by nature, not just relationships but everything)
Do people with ADD really get bored of relationships and how can I help to stop that happening?
Do people with ADD live in fear of being abandoned?
If so, is reassurance good or can it be stifling?
Are people with ADD accepting of offers of help ( with mundane stuff) or does this lower self esteem further?
Is ADD related to self esteem? How?
Sorry for all the questions. I'm just someone who needs to understand things as well as I can. My partner and I have talked at length about his ADD which has been so beneficial but I think he is careful in what he says to protect me. He's currently withdrawn completely as he's going through a mild psychotic / angry phase and doesn't want to be aggressive towards me. Well, he says it's mild....but perhaps he just doesn't want to worry me...
Thanks for reading. This experience has been a huge awakening for me. I'm ashamed to say that for years I believed ADHD was another name for naughty children. Don't hold it against me...?!
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Post by vagueandrandom on Sept 23, 2017 18:01:43 GMT
How do people with ADD feel about making future plans? (I am a 'planner' by nature, not just relationships but everything) People with ADHD have little time perception other than 'now' . .the future is impossible to imagine and next week might as well be next year . . .it's scary to think about the future. Plans, however, are what we're useless at and I think a lot of us would love for someone to plan and make decisions for us (as long as we agree with them, otherwise we'll fight against them)Do people with ADD really get bored of relationships and how can I help to stop that happening? Yes . .no idea how to do anything about it.Do people with ADD live in fear of being abandoned? In my case, yes . .because anyone I've ever been close to has left me, or I've sabotaged the relationship and ended it due to some perceived rejection (probably nothing) and out of fear that they'd abandon me first as I think everything's my fault.If so, is reassurance good or can it be stifling? Depends how you do it.Are people with ADD accepting of offers of help ( with mundane stuff) or does this lower self esteem further? Speaking for myself, I hate asking for and accepting help as it acknowledges the things I have difficulties with. It can hurt self-esteem when something you struggle with is done with such ease by someone else ie. making phone calls.Is ADD related to self esteem? How? Most of us have low self esteem. This is due to constant daily failures to do everyday things, constant criticism, stigma and self-criticism. He's currently withdrawn completely as he's going through a mild psychotic / angry phase and doesn't want to be aggressive towards me. Well, he says it's mild....but perhaps he just doesn't want to worry me... It takes an awful lot of mental energy to try to function in a neurotypical world. We need space to recover, recharge. . .sometimes it gets too much and it's necessary to go into hiding. . .this is not your fault, leave him to it.
I'm not comfortable with your use of 'psychotic' . .does he have experience of psychosis?
Anger and aggression are common and usually a result of frustration and is usually targeted at ourselves, not externally. We react emotionally to situations, but sometimes can't recognise the emotion. We can be emotionally unstable with rapid mood-swings, but they can go as soon as they come.
This reply is totally my own experience and I haven't had a serious relationship in 25 years, although I would love to have had one. Don't treat him like an invalid . .talk to him. .find out answers to these questions from him.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2017 18:34:05 GMT
Sept 23, 2017 7:38:29 GMT bluebellwoods said: How do people with ADD feel about making future plans? (I am a 'planner' by nature, not just relationships but everything) Always making plans. My plans have plans about plans.
Conforming to the contrived, unicorn inspired, plans made by others? Raaaaage.
Do people with ADD really get bored of relationships and how can I help to stop that happening? We battle boredom in every aspect of our lives. Relationships are no different. You can't stop it; you can only be your true self.Do people with ADD live in fear of being abandoned? Nope.If so, is reassurance good or can it be stifling? Positive reinforcement ftw.Are people with ADD accepting of offers of help ( with mundane stuff) or does this lower self esteem further? I believe I do but I'm probably kidding myself.Is ADD related to self esteem? How? No idea. I don't believe I suffer typical self-esteem issues.He's currently withdrawn completely... I can relate to this. I had an ex who used to pacify me with nods and smiles which I mistook for understanding. We were simply incompatible.
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Post by bluebellwoods on Sept 23, 2017 20:01:39 GMT
Vagueandrandom and Boost....
Thank you both for your replies...both so different...
My use of the word psychotic was intentional because that's how my partner described himself. He has had previous similar incidents relating to perception issues and was given counselling and anti psychotic meds. He gets angry at everything and everyone.
I'm just trying to understand him because he's such a nice guy and I really want to give our relationship a chance.
Thanks again
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eekoh
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Post by eekoh on Oct 20, 2017 14:59:52 GMT
How do people with ADD feel about making future plans? (I am a 'planner' by nature, not just relationships but everything)
I plan, but it tends to be in a fairly abstract sort of way. I have lots of ideas but actually the nitty gritty of planning to make them happen can be very haphazard.
Do people with ADD really get bored of relationships and how can I help to stop that happening?
Not bored exactly, but I do tend to decide very quickly that it either is or isn't working and it isn't doesn't seem right then its just too much energy to persevere. My longest relationship ever is 18mths, though happily we're still going strong and both thinking of it as long-term. 3 months has been more typical for me.
Do people with ADD live in fear of being abandoned?
Hmm, interesting question. I think I avoided relationships for a long - my feeling was that takes enough energy just keeping myself organised that I couldn't really see how i'd cope having to factor in someone elses stuff too. It seemed far better to be self-sufficient and not have to look after someone else or take responsibility for their needs, not sure it ever occurred to me that actually they might they might actually do that for me! Now that i'm in a long-term relationship and have got very used to having someone else look after at the day to day crap that i'm disorganised with, yes it does worry me a little that i'm becoming dependent. (I suspect that is probably quite normal in a relationship, regardless of ADHD.)
If so, is reassurance good or can it be stifling?
Are people with ADD accepting of offers of help ( with mundane stuff) or does this lower self esteem further?
Both. Totally depends on the context and how i'm feeling at the time. If I'm struggling with something mundane then generally yes, i'm happy for someone else to deal with it because i'd much rather be doing or thinking about something more interesting. In fact I probably already am, which is why the mundane stuff isn't getting done well!
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Post by matthew123 on Mar 5, 2018 19:54:45 GMT
How do people with ADD feel about making future plans? (I am a 'planner' by nature, not just relationships but everything) I can't think in timescales longer than a day or two on good days and on bad days can't even imagine beyond an hour or two. My partner and I have a joint calendar which she inputs things onto which helps me massively (although I do have a regular alarm to check it everyday or I forget!). Even attempting to think in the future causes me to be stressed out.Do people with ADD really get bored of relationships and how can I help to stop that happening? Yes definitely although I don't know the answer to how to stop it happening.Do people with ADD live in fear of being abandoned? Not sure, me personally yes but more because of things that happened in my past.If so, is reassurance good or can it be stifling? Positive reinforcement is a massive thing but I find I get bored more easily if partners go overboard with reassurance.Are people with ADD accepting of offers of help ( with mundane stuff) or does this lower self esteem further? Yes, my partner is very supportive and I appreciate it a lotIs ADD related to self esteem? How? Self esteem issues are extremely common, because of how often we fail at everyday tasks which are easy for NTsRead more: aadduk.proboards.com/thread/11295/asking-experiences#ixzz58uD97LQi
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