ftm42
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Post by ftm42 on Jun 12, 2018 12:13:29 GMT
My son is now 20. He is working pt with a charitable trust who have an assembly line run by vulnerable adults (for want of a better description).
This morning I yet again found that he has peed all over the bathroom floor (he suffers with tremors so can't aim) and what's in the loo turned my stomach. I have 2 younger sons and their partners are now refusing to use the toilet for fear of what they might find. I can't say I blame them.
His room is messy to the point of downright health hazard, as he eats and plays computer games up there and hardly ever comes out. He can cook the odd thing but chooses to eat pot noodles as he can't follow a recipe. He is very overweight. He doesn't understand money and is always overdrawn, despite the job + PIP as he spends on online gaming.
His Dad + I both work ft but I am beginning to think of giving up as he just doesn't seem able to function as a 'non-ADD' person and I can't see that he will ever move out and be independent. I can't cope any more with the mess that he + his brothers (teenagers) and an ADD husband (who is just as messy) generate.
I spend ages tidying up after them before work + start all. Over as soon as I come home. I'm losing my temper in work now as I feel like a total failure.
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Post by speedy1 on Jun 12, 2018 13:45:27 GMT
Take it one step at a time ftm42I'm definitely no expert but here's what I'd do if u want 2 spend your spare time doing something other than cleaning. ADHDers aren't lazy but often don't give things like cleaning a thought until it gets so bad u can't move Or if they do give it a thought they just don't know where 2 begin So if u write a detailed list of jobs u want doing complete with a tick box nxt 2 it & somewhere they can initial it & ask them in a firm but I'd be so happy if u did this kinda way 2 do the jobs u might get a result But there must be some kind of instant reward 4 doing it even if u just give them a pat on the head Just like training a dog u reward them when they do something right. & the list must be detailed not just tidy the lounge it has 2 be broken into vac the carpet wipe the shelves etc. If u can make it into a routine u've cracked it! Tick boxes r important & reward is important we love ticking things off & love getting praise when we've done it (or I do anyway) Good luck let me know if how u get on if it works I want some praise!
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ftm42
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Post by ftm42 on Jun 12, 2018 20:22:48 GMT
Thanks speedy1. I'll work on that advice. A checklist does seem like a good idea. I've tried it before, using a whiteboard in the kitchen [it worked for a while...], but will redraw and add details for my oldest.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2018 22:12:35 GMT
It sounds like you're under an incredible amount of stress.
Is he medicated?
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ftm42
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Post by ftm42 on Jun 13, 2018 12:42:44 GMT
He has prescribed medication but whether he takes it or not I don't know.
He came to us yesterday to show us a hole in his tooth that's now developed and didn't understand that when I said he needed to call the dentist tomorrow, he should be able to do so whilst at work, by doing it at lunchtime. I just don't think as he does + find it hard to put myself in his shoes to instruct him adequately.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2018 13:28:53 GMT
Does he need a carer?
It could be argued the role of a mother is more 'CEO' than 'PA', perhaps?
Sure, it's your job to 'help him' but help him get the big wins out of life, not wipe his ass for him.
I'm sure there's parents out there doing both but I suspect we can only do one of them effectively.
If he has ADHD, there's a strong chance he does at least one thing better than most. You probably won't be able to help him find out what that is or how to capitalise on it if you're fretting about whether he's flushed the chain or not.
Before you do anything, consider having an honest conversation with him. No point trying to help him if he's not ready or doesn't believe he needs help. If you normally brave face everything, express vulnerability. Make it clear this is the eleventh hour. You want to do your best for him but the days of running yourself ragged must end if you hope to do that.
Ask him if he is willing to help you.
As a gamer myself, there are very few things that will drag me away from the PC but someone's very obvious pain is probably one of them.
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