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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2009 12:34:19 GMT
Hi all,
I have been trying to find a support group for ages in which to talk about my 14 years worth of living with my ADHD husband. We are still together and happy, but oh my god...what haven't we been through, it is such hard work.
He's been on the new medication Strattera but had suicidal feelings on it, he now takes Concerta. We've had to pay £300 a month for private prescriptions. We even had to privately fund finding somebody to help us. I ended up phoning the Psychiatrists Society in London and begging them for help.
We have nearly broken up, then reunited. He has lost jobs and had to deal with the abuse he suffered as a child at the hands of his father because of the ADHD (his dad was a teacher and could not be seen to have a 'thick' son).
Most recently I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety attacks. This is all due to stress of coping with my husbands ADHD and the unpredictable life it makes us lead. I have to work and take total control of the home/bills/food etc.
He has never done a days housework in our marriage, or washing or cleaning or shopping. His phrase is "I just can't", and if I don't accept it, he says I just don't understand. He say's that if I ask him to do something it makes him less able to do it, so it is a catch 22 situation. Ask and definately don't get it done, or leave it and see if it ever transpires...or just go ahead and do it myself.
I make his breakfast, lunch and dinner. I wake him up, run his bath, take him to work and collect him from work, really it is like having a small child. He wakes me in the night if he needs to talk and thinks nothing of just talking at me for hours on end about what ADHD is doing to his life (never mind my life).
He 'can't' go on holiday, because he just can't cope with packing. We hardly ever do anything at weekends because he needs to sleep most of the day on Sat and Sun to catch up on sleep lost during the week when he can't calm down enough to get to bed.
Nobody outside of the marriage see's this though. An ADHD person is the life and soul of the party. When he is at work or out with mates he is just great fun, none of his colleagues or friends know about the ADHD, he won't tell them. People tell me I am so lucky to have such a great guy, and women say they want to marry somebody just like him, but they don't know what I have to do behind the scenes just so they can even get this 'great guy' out of the house!
I really hope I will be able to help those with less experience than myself and I hope you will be able to help me too. Living with an ADHD spouse is so hard and they will NEVER get why you find it difficult.
I look forward to making new friends.
Lissy.
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Post by twix on Jun 8, 2009 16:16:44 GMT
Hi Lissy, not much I can say, I probably have ADHD and i recon my ex does too, I can understand its not easy to live with cause he sure couldnt cope with living with me and vice versa. Not much help I guess but I didn't want you to have no replies. Anyway, I sympathise and I totally understand the thing about one person when hes out and another at home. Wish I could be more help
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Post by roland on Jun 8, 2009 17:44:37 GMT
I too Lissy don't really know what to say because I too have ADHD, and I have to be honest and confess that I've woken my husband up in the middle of the night because I was awake and wanted to chat. I did it on the pretext that he might like a cup of hot chocolate despite the fact that he had been sound asleep for hours. Poor chap actually agreed to having a cup of hot chocolate too, until he woke up enough to see that the clock read 3:15 am. Cor he weren't half grumpy after that I wish I could offer you more help Lissy. I can really only say that it's clear that partners and spouses of those of us with ADHD also need support groups. I was wondering if you had considered posting a note to see if there's another spouse/partner living within reasonable distance of you so that you could arrange to meet for coffee somewhere. That would be a start.
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Post by twix on Jun 8, 2009 18:42:51 GMT
Yeah I've done the middle of the night thing. "Just because you're wide awake doesn't mean everyone else wants to be" apparently not a good idea
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Post by andy12345 on Jun 16, 2009 10:22:56 GMT
Well, I am not a professional, except for professional waffler perhaps..
Lissy, procrastination would certainly be one of his strong symptoms, maybe to the point of devastating him.
From experience of life, I know a few things about myself, which are highly irritating and drive me insane. I have learned to live with myself but in a strange way. Very unproductive, avoiding stress avoiding social situations etc.
For me, procrastination is a major strain on my entire thought process. For whatever reasons, I drag my heels so much. However, I certainly could not be as bad as your husband and I wonder if the people who were diagnosed with ADHD here would even say they were that bad with just AD/HD.
Unfortunately, I am trying to state something, but not doing a great job of keeping it short..
I think your husband certainly has other issues that cause him problems and what I would call the negatively reinforcing self-fulfilling procrastinating thought processes.
Okay, so he is hyperactive, procrastinating, can't do anything for himself apart from very simply things, probably in HIS own time and when he wants to. However, he is fine when he is out...but effectively he is useless to you and even worse, himself..... It shows that if he is telling the truth, that as soon as he is asked to do something it becomes a problem....why? PFffffftttttt, who knows?
It does not help you, but it shows that if he is true to himself and really wants to help you, just the thought process alone of "I must help lissy, why am I so paralysed by my thoughts, why can't I do this?" is probably enough to cause him to auto-procrastinate and become locked in negative cpu cycles which don't achieve anything. Just a brain stuck in neutral with no outcome, totally wasted, that is one of the definition's of procrastination according to wikipedia. The article is only 2 pages......
I note that whenever I have been pushed to anything, put on a deadline, felt insulted, stressed etc that is when my "issues" show. I can't explain why this is the case. All I know is that, as soon as I need to do something, even cook dinner, it becomes like an inner turmoil of battling factions in my brain. I also note that the more delicate/tricky/thinking required a situation, the more I screw up..unless I am REALLY careful about my words, thoughts, gestures, facial expressions etc.
So, of course, I therefore have always done things last-minute, grab whatever food is available, but if I made a choice, I would rather cook something with healthy ingredients, which I do WHEN and only when I have a relative around for dinner or such. It's like I get energised to do something useful.
A classic for me is room tidying.......I don't. It's a bloody mess and needs a tactical missile through the window.
However, starting drinking coffee on friday lol and I was buzzing for once, starting on an epic crusade or room clear out. All junk nearly out the door etc.. In fact, I feel myself procrastinating as I should clear out as it's bin day tomorrow.......
I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but I tried to explain a perspective.
I really think he has other co-morbid issues which he does not realise. I also, am great at having fun within my comfort zone and with a few people that I trust with my life, but as soon as I get back to mind hell, it's not really good at all. Symptoms of atypical depression and dysthymic disorder certainly match me.
I can only hope that one day, eventually, unbiased, non-financially motivated scientists will work out the human mind and then perhaps, debilitating mental issues can be reduced or alleviated in a more efficient way.......Probably not, though...
I would also say, lissy, the depression and anxiety that you have are obviously, situational and stress based. Your life has not been much fun. It is possible that if you don't get out of it, you will get far worse. He really needs to at least try to learn about why he can't do things, otherwise it's not fair to you.
Oops, another long-winded post. Still, I hope my intention to help is understood.
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Post by lily on Jun 16, 2009 10:37:43 GMT
Hi Lissy
Dont know why its taken me so long to reply to your post, sorry.
I suspect I have ADHD and am now living with my boyfriend. He goes through hell with me too but probably not to the extent of your difficulties with your husband. Im sorry were so hard to live with!
I think that your husband sounds like he needs a lot more support ie. Counselling/Cognitive behavioural therapy. There is only so much medication can do for someone and I think it probably wouldnt do any harm for him to speak to a psychologist or someone experienced in ADHD. Probably both of you actually, maybe could go along to a few sessions with each other so you can talk about it with an unbiased person there.
Is there a support group in your area for adults with ADHD? Because if you could get him to go to a group I bet that would help immensely.
Sorry I cant be of any real help. You sound like a very strong person and im sorry youre having to go through this. Have you thought of going to the doctor to ask for any sort of counselling to help with the stress?
Lily x
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2009 11:52:14 GMT
Thanks andy12345, your reply was just what I needed. It's good to hear somebody not simply just telling me what to do.
Husband has just bought a Per3 light treatment lamp as he has discovered he has co-morbid Distrubed Sleep Phase Syndrome. He seems a bit chirpier....and we are going to get him some more counselling. We have a feeling that some of it is down to chilhood abuse.
As all ADHD people do, we will keep on searching for solutions as problems arise.
Am looking into dysthymic disorder...thanks.
Lissy.
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Post by andy12345 on Jun 20, 2009 6:43:20 GMT
I am glad that you are both making progress. Co-incidentally, Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome (DSPS) is another issue which I suspect that I have. You wrote Disturbed SPS, but I could not find that online. I suppose it could easily be a loose term with enough meaning in it. DSPS link and info below. psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/01/07/melatonin-as-a-greener-sleep-aid/en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seasonal_affective_disorder#Treatment - You should read the treatment section. I was going to mention that led lamps SAD lamps do not have anywhere near the lux (light output) that a 10,000 fluorescent lamp has.... However, I did a quick bit of research and I updated myself with the following USA NIMH official link. Seems that the 470nanometre wavelength of light is more important than the light output, OR, 470 may be, say 2-5x (for example) more efficient for the circadian disorders (Delayed SPS etc) That is good indeed. Was the per3 recommended by specialists? You may find that a higher lux (light)output source would be even more efficient. Generally, 10,000 lux (10,000 lumens output onto a 1m square area) using fluorscents is the norm and it apparently has good effects within 30 mins. Obviously, if the lamp countinues to help your husband, it may be a placebo effect, or just the excitement of a new toy (a familiar feeling that gets triggered in me lol) Time will tell. Don't forget to update us.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2009 12:49:52 GMT
Hi, I have just read your post and can relate to how your feeling so much. My partner of 8 years has recently been diagnosed with ADD, the diagnosis came from us seeing a relationship counsellor as that was the last attempt to fix the relationship as I had just had enough of everything. It wasn't a huge shock as there was always something not quite right with him and the way he felt, more than depression. For the past 8 years life has been a rollercoaster up and down on a daily basis, sometimes on a hourly basis. We have been through hundreds of jobs, social isolation, anger, depression, elation, general unpredictibility with moods. He has just started taking stratterta as previous concerta gave him sore joints, I found when he was taking concerta there was a huge difference in his behaviour he seemed to be 'stable' no sudden change in moods, time will tell with the stratterta though. We have 2 small children which add to the mix of craziness in the house. Like you if you need something doing then best do it yourself, with regards to housework and kids I do 90% of work, if I ask then I am nagging and usually results in shouting and then him going to bed for few hours which leaves me to sort kids out etc. Sometimes though he will be 'on' one and he will blitz a part of the house but usually few and far between. I have days when I think we can get through this and we will be fine then there is other days when I feel that I cant cope with it and resent him for it. I know I need to have more patience for his ADD but its hard when you factor in work, kids etc.
Hope to hear any thoughts or tips you can offer, would be very grateful xxx
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2009 9:25:47 GMT
Hi Lissy
Me and my husband both have ADHD and getting mundane things done is chaotic but the thing I noticed about your post is that you say your husbnad is refusing to chip in on chores before he has even tried. From my experience i would say that us adders always have the intention of getting things done, its just remembering or focusing long enough to complete the task that is the problem. I would suggest (again based on my own experience) that your husband may be a bit depressed, understandably as us adders have had a life time of our confidence being knocked). I try to keep to a routine as much as possible and use things like moblie phones to set reminders for tasks that need doing. I suggest to continue with the couceling and maybe hand over small routine tasks that will be easy to remember, and you must make a pact that he will not be offended if you gently remind him what he needs to do. I think to say you can't do anything because of ADHD is a bit of a sheild masking a different problem. I hope I haven't over stepped the mark here, I really understand how frustrating life can be as and ADDER and living with one!
Mrs Muddle
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2009 15:40:49 GMT
Suzii,
Thanks for your message. It is so nice to know that somebody else has had almost the same experience as me. I was beginning to feel like the only one (although I know I am not).
I am sorry that you have been through all the ups and downs that you have. I know what it is like to feel as though you are banging your head against a brick wall.
I too have thought of ending my relationship. Sometimes I feel that it will be the only way I can regain peace of mind. I sometimes feel like I am going insane with all of my husbands weird rules and sayings!
All I would say about Strattera is that it made my husband sucidal, so keep a close eye on your partner.
Good luck with the Strattera. I'm always here to chat to.
Lissy.
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Post by andy12345 on Jun 23, 2009 1:48:45 GMT
Suzii,
May I ask why your partner goes to bed for a few hours after your "nagging"?
Does the tension/emotion disrupt him so much that he gets very tired/drained or is it his way to calm down?
One of the many things that makes me flip is situations that I perceive as stressful. I can get quite tired and need to calm down....but I can't do meditation and that breathing lark does nothing for me.
I did a tiny bit of reading about concerta and strattera to see the differences.
It seems that concerta is a proper stimulant, quite addictive potentially (as they all are, inc. caffeine) As for the sore joints, maybe there was a good reason which was not looked into and could be combated?
Strattera (AKA atamoxetine) is not a stimulant, but a Selective Norepinephrine (aka noradrenaline) Re-uptake Inhibitor which allows the noradrenaline in the brain to er..not get used up so fast. hence the "reuptake inhibitor" terminology. I can't understand why it causes suicidal thoughts, other than "everyone is different" It certainly made big news a few years ago for increased suicidal tendencies, but I wonder what the statistics show versus other medications that are far more addictive?
Don't you just wish you had the answers sometimes?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2009 15:22:17 GMT
Hi, He mainly goes to bed to calm down I think, but he will usually sleep for a while so he must be tired as well. I find tiredness with him a problem not sure whether its avoidence as usually when things need doing ie housework that it appears hence the nagging.
Would be great for 1 magic pill to fix everything but trial and error I suppose.
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Post by twix on Jun 23, 2009 16:04:49 GMT
Suzzi I was the same as your hubbie, with me it was 2 things, being totally overwhelmed with the task (not knowing where to start) and feeling got at and generally not good enough. These stressed me out and with my usual opposite ADHD brain stress doesn't keep me awake like normal people, it makes me sleep. Bed is also a good hiding place when you feel crap about yourself.
2 things I can suggest you try giving him one thing to do at once with a very clear start and end point, or give him a written list of things to work through in whatever order he wants. Don't expect miracles and the whole lot done.
Praise him a LOT anytime he gets anything done, even just a little bit. Don't try and tell him how to do things, let him work it out himself. Try and remember that its not his fault if things go in one ear and out the other.
Good luck!
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Post by twix on Jun 23, 2009 16:07:15 GMT
Alternatively can he get DLA and spend some of it on getting some help round the house. Or a combination of the 2.
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Post by bess on Jul 8, 2009 9:01:45 GMT
Hi Lissy I can relate to most of what you wrote.My son,s have adhd and a high possibility that their dad also but he wont do anything about it.My husband is very impulsive.He was always getting into trouble when he was young,in and out of work and nothing was, is ever his fault.His dad looked upon him as being a failure as he didt go to uni like his siblings.He's always to tired to do stuff round the house and wont even try like your husband he cant. It is very hard but YOU must take time out for yourself.I call it ME-ME time. I tell them that on this day.I am having some me-me time.I have a long bath,read a book and some times a glass of wine AND i leave them to it.Mind you after my me-me time i sometimes wonder if my house has been burgled.Cupboard doors left open,lights left on,lids left off BUT no its my family.At times its like wwIII all bickering.Ask them what theyre bickering about and they cant. I feel sometimes that i always have to be one step ahead and sometimes know what theyre going to do before they do it THAT includes my hubby. My friends always say i dont know how you cope but i do WHY well after lots of research,reading up on ADHD and speaking to others i know most of the time they cant help what comes out their mouths or the behaviour they display.I also know when they are just coming it. So hang on in there lissy there is no right or wrong and yes it is hard and there will be times you just want to walk away but dont.Try some me-me time. It may help if you talk to your hubby or even get some outside help. Look into DLA and careers. If you want to talk you know where i am. BESS.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2009 22:47:30 GMT
Hi Lissy, You are not alone and not going mad I have lived with someone for twenty years who is.. disorganised, impulsive, nasty (sometimes), forgetful, reckless, stubborn, irritable, very angry (at times), unthinking, often late, procrastinating, not able to hold down jobs, not able to finish things, talking at you, lecturing you zealously(when a topic he's interested in), domineering (at times), overbearing, overwhelming... (phew..) but is also... kind, loving, compassionate, witty, endearing, charming, creative, intelligent, great to converse with (when not dominating the conversation! , adventurous, good fun...and more However, I think from the length of the lists above you can see the focus I have put on the negative It's been really hard at times .. heartbreakingly so .. but hopefully things are getting better. (You'll find my first post on here in the thread "hello to all" posted in November 2008.. I haven't posted in many months). Anyway, my husband is in the process of seeking a diagnosis. Will have to go for now... very tired Take care Lissy and take heart... and that goes to all on this thread And no offence to all those with add (who post so kindly on here) .. of course, it's not really my husband i'm naffed off with.. it's the add... and I know we've both got a lot of work to do to make things better. Take care best wishes Di
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2009 11:00:26 GMT
Hi There LISSY I like the suggestion of Twix and have long thought that a cleaner would have helped tremendously in our relationship and have just recently employed a cleaner just once a month to do a blitz ! I got my son and his two friends to help me yesterday with the hoovering as I have a back problem and its cheaper than paying an osteopath @ £45 a time ! They get taken out and fed and spend quality time together -thats my son and his friends )
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2010 8:55:13 GMT
ive lived with my partner for 16 years, after 10 years of alcohol abuse my partner went to aa where he found sobriety problem solved so we thought,he then realised his problems ran much deeper than this. he can not concentrate, he is hyperactive to the extream, he has not helped me with childcare or housework in all those years, he loses things, hes disorganized, hes clumsy, he makes mistakes because he doesnt think before he does anything, he is moody and emotionaly immature, he is aggressive and sometimes so confused by life he becomes pyhsical. i beleive he has adhd, on speaking to his family they confirmed all these same behaviours in him as a child he himself alsoi agrees that his symptoms all point to this. my problem know is how the hell does he get a diagnosis what help is there available im at a loss where to start, will they beleive him? because obviously although he agrees that he needs help he is unable to do any of this for himself because he is too busy obsessing over ebay or any other minor triviality he can use to medicate his confusion and pain. any help anyone can give me would be appreciated thanks mandy.
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Post by annie on Apr 5, 2010 18:01:06 GMT
Hi Mandy
Welcome to the forum!
Good for you and your partner for recognising alcohol abuse may only have been part of his problems and good to hear AA helped with this. You say your partner believes Adhd may be a contributary factor to his difficulties - does he really think that? If so that's a very positive 1st step.
It does sound as though you are the one who is going to have to take the "bull by the horns" and make that appointment with your Gp - will he let you do this? If so both of you do have to do some preparation for this appointment. Go to FAQ's where you will find advice about how to do this. Remember what you want from your Gp is a committment for him/her to go away and find out if there are any Adult psychiatrists in your area to assess,dx and treat adult Adhd. If not he needs to support you being referred to a specialist who can.
Don't let your Gp say the condition doesn't exist - it does - the National Institute of Clinical Excellence brought out guidance 18mths ago for Gp's and adult psychiatrist's - the problem is some of them have never read the guidance!!
Let us know how we can help you take this forward. Just out of interest, do any of your children show any of the symptoms. The reason I ask is because the condition does have a strong genetic link. Don't feel you have to answer this question.
I do recognise the frustrations untreated Adhd can have - however getting physical is never acceptable. Take care and let us know how you get on.
annie
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Post by clare on Apr 15, 2010 7:06:52 GMT
Hi Lissy,
I know that feeling you are going on about i've been with my husband for 13 years, he does all those things you talk about. we've been to the doctors they referd us to the mental health team in our area, They could'nt help so referd us back to our GP. The mental health team referd him to someone else as well. I've looked into going private but dont just have the funds we just hope our GP can refer us to someone that can help. I also have two sons aged 11 with ADHD one is worse than the other the boys are on concerta Ben is on 54mg and Zak is on 45mg plus are both on melitonin 9mg each nite to try to help them sleep it dont asways work as they can be up running around the house till 1-2 in the morrning still be up at the crack of dawn. My husband does not wake me in middle of the nite. he gets up and gos down stairs so i prob lucky in that aspect.
Clare xx
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Post by markingreenwich on Aug 16, 2010 21:21:34 GMT
hey, yeah you got the wrong end of the stick with poo on it when you picked it up =) he sounds liek a mare and i do empathise. he probably would be as bad if hed been caught earlier and know exactly what you mean about life and soul, im like it when pissed. that said I also have a very differant attitude to my disorders now and some of that may be luck some of it may be me. NHS needs to do its bit to be frank but he seems to also need a kick up the ass. Im sure as much as you can poisitivly train your adhd brain ... you can also train it badly to be worse than it should be.
good luck and proud tht youve had the gumption to stick with him lol if nothing else it makes me want to be better for my gf =)
Mark
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2010 2:28:38 GMT
Hi, Lissy. One or two others have mentioned depression. I think it's something for you and/or your husband to follow-up on. After all, depression is one of the characteristics of ADD/ADHD, it can be disabling, and it can manifest itself in a "ducking" of obligations and lots of sleep.
Just a thought. Good luck!
Manxie
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Post by looking up on Dec 15, 2010 10:10:12 GMT
Hello Lissie I am rather late joining in this discussion. I totally sympathise with what you have experienced in your relationship, someone commented to me recently that the girlfriend of an ADHD sufferer she knew was less of a girlfriend and more of a life coach. That's me! I have had a good long look at my relationship and realised that I focus all my attention on my partner's needs and very little on myself, sadly I find his needs often get in the way of what is best for my children too. I am starting to put some boundaries around my time and what I am prepared to do for him, I am putting myself and my children more into the foreground of our own lives. I can do this because my partner is taking responsibility for himself and his condition and is willing to try and do more than he has done up until now. I want to ask a question though as it is something that is really bothering me and I would really appreciate any comments from other partners. Does your partner take responsibility for his part in emotional problems like arguments or hurtful comments? I have found that often my partner will get in a mood and make comments that I find very hurtful or insensitive, I respond by telling him I don't like it, if he continues I will remove myself, this is rather than losing my temper as I used to do. My partner will then often get angry with me and tell me I caused the problem and he hasn't done anything wrong. If I try and explain what happened he completely denies events and his part, it is so confusing. At times I have doubted my own sanity, when angry my partner can be very cruel, playing on my emotional weaknesses and vulnerable areas so I can begin to think it is me that is the problem. At first I thought he was just deliberately refusing to take the blame because he hates to feel criticised but I am honestly starting to think he can't see what he's done, almost blotted from his memory, certainly minimised to the point he doesn't seem to have done anything. I would be really grateful if anyone else has experienced behaviour like this as I feel like I'm going nuts at times!!
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Post by kakema on Dec 15, 2010 22:25:12 GMT
Hey, there, looking up - I can't speak from the perspective of a partner, but what you said about never taking responsibility really chimed for me - I've been with my husband for 24 years now, and have consistently been a mean bitch to him. I'm not in a constant state of fury, but when I do lose my temper I do it spectacularly, and I just let rip with my tongue. I'm never to blame for things that go wrong - if I trip over something, it's his fault for leaving it in my way - if he trips over something I leave out, it's his fault for not looking where he's going. He knows when my temper is getting up a head of steam and just walks out of the room - he doesn't like arguments, and that infuriates me - honestly, when I think of how I behaved, the cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz comes to mind - 'put 'em up, put 'em up'. I would just be spoiling for a fight and was doubly furious when he wouldn't oblige with a good old ding-dong.
I used to be pretty much the same with my family, too. It was always said that I had a temper to match my red hair (it's gone a bit pale strawberry, now, what with the old age an' all).
Having said all that, somewhere in my mind I'm still able to draw lines. There are some things I wouldn't say because there's a voice reminding me that once said, there are things you can never take back, and I have never wanted fundamentally to destroy my marriage, just be very angry at the time. I never break things - I think am incapable of causing physical damage when in a fury, even though I desperately want to vent the anger somehow. And I slapped his face once, before we were married - but when I saw the way he reacted, I knew I would never do it again and never have. It was very clear that I had crossed one of his few lines.
I don't know how those controls operate in my head, though, because in every other way I've completely lost control. I'm apoplectic with fury. He's pretty saintly, and always has been, in the way he's put up with me - and believe me, I read through the various posts on this thread about how ADHD partners torture their other halves, and I felt ashamed, because I've done so many those things. Now, as we come to understand the 'why', he's still being great, gently reminding me, steering me, keeping me on track while coping himself with the bemusement of discovering he's been married to someone with fundamental issues, not just badly behaved. What can I say? I'm lucky. I hope that despite your other half's behaviour, he appreciates you too.
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Post by looking up on Dec 24, 2010 3:53:04 GMT
Hello Ooo Shiny Thanks for your response, it helped. On some levels I think my partner appreciates me but most of the time recently it seems like he's blaming me for something or other. I have a condition of my own which I have worked on very hard over the years and I'm proud of how well Ive progressed. I feel my partner uses my condition against me now, blaming our fall outs on that, never admitting how nasty he can be at times. Well, that's not true, if he's sucking up to me after a really bad row, after days of blaming me and making me feel bad he will admit his part. It's such a relief when he does as I feel like I'm going mad sometimes. I don't think I will put up with it much longer, I'm getting pretty low in confidence and as lovely as he is I don't think it's healthy for me to feel bad about myself all the time. It's so hard as he's great fun, loving and charming half of the time and then the rest of the time.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2011 2:49:57 GMT
Hi, I understand what you're going through even after only four years wi my partner (now ex). For one, you must be an angel personified to have had the stamina to cope! Sometimes, though, however ill (for want of a better word) a person is, a good kick up the backside is needed! He is NOT disabled & could do lots of things in double your speed if . . . . . . you left him a very straightforward list & went out & left him 2 it! My ex used to whip around my house & really enjoy it cos it gave him something 2 do! I had 2 hide everything I didn't want 2 lose, though, & if he found anything 'private', he wouldn't acknowledge at all that it wasn't meant 4 his eyes! - nothing sordid or explicit, personal letters etc. Oh, & he would throw stuff away that 2 me was very important - receipts etc! Hope this helps, N x
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2011 3:55:11 GMT
My God. Reading this thread has vividly brought home to me what I now realise beyond doubt was my father's ADHD and the nightmare childhood I and my brother lived through. I think, in fact, my mother has ADHD too or something related to it.
It wasn't all bad though. Both my parents did try but, despite the good stuff, having two parents at each other's throats most of the time wasn't conducive to a happy childhood and successful formative years. I now realise that my brother's life was ruined by it long before he left school. The only thing that saved me is the stubborn streak that he lacked and the determination to get a decent enough job to get away from my parents. I've actually harboured some guilt myself for my brother's problems, I did try to help him but I always thought I should've tried harder. I think I've just realised that I can stop blaming myself for that now.
At least we understand what ADHD is now and there are treatments available. So, sort yourselves/partners out for your own sakes but especially for the sake of your kids. It won't be easy but at least it's possible with the help that's available or should be if the bloody NHS got its act together. Good luck.
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Post by melanie on Apr 8, 2011 15:27:19 GMT
it sounds like ur husband is getting a free ride out of u. my husband, cousin +2 nephews have adhd. my sister, brother +daughter have add. it is a nightmare living with people who suffer from add+ adhd. My partners diagnosis was off the scale. he also has dyslexia so he doesn't understand much of anything, he cant listen, he gets very confused +most of the time i'm in control of everything. I get very frustrated + emotional just like him. there are 2pieces of advice i can give u. 1)"if he is going to act like a child then u must treat him like a child". I know this sounds really harsh +u must b hard as nails to treat him like this but this is ur life 2. it doesn't have 2b this hard. He has adhd he is not an idiot, he can train his brain 2make it easier 4u both. 2)when the kids go 2 bed turn off the tv +all other distractions +talk. talk about what u r going thru, he wont get it at 1st, but he will eventually. u have to be strong 2make him strong. he can get enough control over himself to give u some relief. my partner has 2-4days a month where he feels capable of taking responsibility +on these days he takes the children out (with his best friend) or he cleans the house from top to bottom. it may not seem like much 2 most people but 3hrs peace +quiet when u live with an adhd sufferer is like a 2week holiday.
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Post by sherry on Apr 8, 2011 21:26:20 GMT
Sorry, but I think your hubby is a selfish, lazy scoundrel. I have ADHD, but my partner does not. I run the house, pay the bills, do the cooking, do the DIY with some help from him. I have worked hard to overcome my symptoms, so that I can lead as normal a life as possible. Some men can be lazy and given an excuse will sit back and do nothing. This wisdom comes from 25 relationships over 30 years.
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