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Post by melanie on May 11, 2011 12:11:49 GMT
Hello Lissie I am rather late joining in this discussion. I totally sympathise with what you have experienced in your relationship, someone commented to me recently that the girlfriend of an ADHD sufferer she knew was less of a girlfriend and more of a life coach. That's me! I have had a good long look at my relationship and realised that I focus all my attention on my partner's needs and very little on myself, sadly I find his needs often get in the way of what is best for my children too. I am starting to put some boundaries around my time and what I am prepared to do for him, I am putting myself and my children more into the foreground of our own lives. I can do this because my partner is taking responsibility for himself and his condition and is willing to try and do more than he has done up until now. I want to ask a question though as it is something that is really bothering me and I would really appreciate any comments from other partners. Does your partner take responsibility for his part in emotional problems like arguments or hurtful comments? I have found that often my partner will get in a mood and make comments that I find very hurtful or insensitive, I respond by telling him I don't like it, if he continues I will remove myself, this is rather than losing my temper as I used to do. My partner will then often get angry with me and tell me I caused the problem and he hasn't done anything wrong. If I try and explain what happened he completely denies events and his part, it is so confusing. At times I have doubted my own sanity, when angry my partner can be very cruel, playing on my emotional weaknesses and vulnerable areas so I can begin to think it is me that is the problem. At first I thought he was just deliberately refusing to take the blame because he hates to feel criticised but I am honestly starting to think he can't see what he's done, almost blotted from his memory, certainly minimised to the point he doesn't seem to have done anything. I would be really grateful if anyone else has experienced behaviour like this as I feel like I'm going nuts at times!!
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2011 5:10:37 GMT
Hi Lizzy The fact that you and your husband are still together after 14 years gives me renewed hope. I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years. She has been diagnosed a week. She has been prescribed Attomoxatine to start with. I personally think she needs a much higher dose, having researched how much others have been prescribed. But as her meds are going to be assessed in 6 weeks i will reserve judgement till then. I seem to encounter a similar problem to you, in that my gf can be a different person to the one the rest of the world sees. She is inattentive ADHD and therefore isnt the life and soul of anything really, she's shy and sweet and innocent to those on the outside. Behind closed doors it is a different matter. I am 6'1'' 14.5st and I have trained Karate for nearly 10 years but Im a little ashamed to admit that she has actually hurt me. (although id neva let her know it) Her condition seems to leave her with a total inability to calm once anger starts. And that anger is more often than not directed at me, and physically more and more often. Biting, punching, kicking, scratching and I have to be careful what I say if she's holding anything sharp lol. She has been searching for an answer to what is wrong with her for about 18 years and now it seems to have come to a head with ADHD although she is being tested for other bowel conditions at the moment so things may get even more complicated. Things seemed to get a lot worse when I had quite a major upset with a murder suicide in my family. This has triggered, although i dont think it caused, a major bout of depression for me. I seemed to just loose all the patients I used to have with her. We were arguing about anything and everything, I have been a dick at times in a very immature response to the fact that I couldnt seem to make her understand me or even acknowledge that I was suffering just as much as her. I too organise our finances, although I cant claim to be the cleaner, she washes all the clothes, but I work whilst she is at Uni (which is something she has got to late). Everyone thinks that Im complaining about nothing but noone realises just how difficult she is to live with. the thing that hurts the most and I dont know if ur husband does this, is she can say such hurtful things and its almost like she doesnt see it. Recently I have been floundering and pondering whether or not I can be what she needs me to be, but ur post has inspired me. 14 yrs is a long time for any relationship, and if you can get that far with ADHD then I would say the sky's the limit. And if i can still wake up next to my gf in 11years time i'll consider both of us very lucky indeed. Craig
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Post by kakema on May 19, 2011 18:03:05 GMT
Hey, Craig. It's great your gf has her dx and is getting treatment. Presumably there was a trigger that got her there? To be honest, you see, the biggest change factor in all of this is actually awareness of how the condition works, how it affects you, the behaviours and patterns it 'drives' and so on. The meds then give you support while you address them. And you have to want to do it. One of the biggest factors in my seeking a dx for my daughter - who was 7 or 8 when I first raised it with the doc - was that I was even then getting frightened of the force of her sudden and violent rages. She doesn't have a dx yet (soon, I hope) but even as I've learned about the condition, I've talked to her about what is happening when she loses her temper, and how she needs to become more aware of things that can warn her a storm is coming. She's been able to start to manage herself better - still got a monster temper, but applying a measure of self-control to limit the impact when it kicks off, and maybe shorten the duration. I hope your gf will read about her disorder, maybe come have a look round here to see how others are affected and their coping mechanisms, and maybe come along to a support group? They're really therapeutic, and it's a great relief to know you're not the only one. Hope things start to improve for you both from now.
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2011 21:50:22 GMT
Hi hun, just want to say you sound like an angel!! And agree with Andy there might be a bit more to his DX than adhd alone. He sounds like he suffers badly with depression too.
Ive been with my Husband 16 years so i know the challenges faced in a relationship with ADD, im very difficult to live with at times.
I think the main thing is finding the right add med, and possibly being treated for depression with meds too??
xx
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2011 22:32:51 GMT
I don't have a spouse with ADHD, but my wife of 18 years does, and we've discussed the implications - good and bad - of ADHD at length.
I've just read through this topic; Lissy's original post is a couple of years old now, but I found it rather a distressing read. I mean, there's such a thing as struggling to get things done, and we all know that. But not to show any apparent desire to help with shared responsibilities? Crumbs, can we be that hard to live with?
Here's the thing. ADHD folk often go through life being told, or assuming, that they fail to achieve their potential because they're useless and lazy. I suppose it was similar going through school with dyslexia 20 years ago. We're not fundamentally lazy; our brain chemistry really does make it difficult for us to focus or concentrate. However, that doesn't mean I can't ever be lazy. I find it hard to get to sleep at night because of ADHD, not because I'm wantonly trying to stay awake. Accordingly, I can sometimes find it hard to wake up in the morning because I'm still tired. But when I'm lying in bed, on a bright Scottish summer morning, wide awake, and still don't move even though there's plenty of work to get done, I'm being lazy.
For many of us, the discovery (or formal diagnosis) of ADHD was an emotional lifeline, giving us a real explanation for things we'd always assumed were character defects but had never been able to rectify and for which we often despised ourselves. That was certainly true for me. On the other hand, I don't want the pendulum to swing, so that everything I do wrong is not my fault, it's just my dopamine deficiency, guv.
ADHD is a reason, not an excuse. No ADHD sufferer is universally incapable, including me. I'm just as much a free moral agent as the next man, and just as responsible for how I approach life with whatever inner resources I've been given.
If you're married to an ADHD person and finding it really hard, and you can't help feeling that sometimes the problem really is them and not their b****y condition, then for whatever comfort this is worth: sometimes you're right.
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Post by AdeleS6845 on Jul 1, 2020 12:02:44 GMT
The sad thing is with you doing everything what if something happens as you get older and you are unable to do things. What I mean by this is physically unable to do things. I am a member of the website the ADHD effect on marriage. One of the ladies on the website posted that her house became a disaster area because she became disabled and physically could not keep up with the housework. Her ADHD husband was basically useless and helping her with these tasks, so she had to hire someone. Not everyone can afford to do this. His helping around the house could be accomplished with the help of cognitive behavioral therapy. I don't believe that he can't do it. I think it's more like housework and day to day tasks are boring and don't hold his interest and that is why he "can't" do it. Most of the spouses on the website have developed other conditions and their physical health has suffered because of their ADHD partner not contributing in the relationship. You have to decide if it's worth it, if it's worth spending the next 15 years of your life with someone who won't contribute.
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Post by Ashley on Feb 3, 2021 9:32:08 GMT
The idea that your husband CAN'T do housework is an absolute pile of rubbish.
I have Adult ADHD, and housework can be difficult for me, but not impossible. It's way harder when you've got ADHD to concentrate on mundane, boring things. This can lead to me maybe breaking off things halfway through, or say missing an obvious bit when vaccuuming.
Here's my tip, if you're going to stay with this not entirely impressive sounding ADHD man, from your description. Don't do the housework for him - but be there and supervise him while he does it. This works for me every time.
You describe your husband as being like a small child. On a bad day, maybe I'm towards that. But I'd say now I've gotten to the place of being a teenager, if you like. If a small child doesn't want to do a little piece of homework, to take an analogy, then the child can just throw a massive tantrum and totally not comply, and you may end up doing it for them.
But if you stand over your 13 year old son whilst he does his homework, you provide him with the structure he needs to do it himself.
I doubt you will get to the stage whereby your husband will be a fully independent adult who has self-directed to do a million and one different household chores he's thought up himself whilst you are out of the house.
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Post by Add123 on Feb 14, 2021 15:42:00 GMT
My partner of 12 years has pretty intense adhd - diagnosed as a Child and on medication until he was an adult, now unmedicated but has done years of CBT.
He’s definitely hard to live with, But he’s also an angel and tries his very best at everything he possibly can. He does the majority of the housework - very badly, forgetting huge things or just not thinking - literally throwing stuff in the dishwasher, might only wipe down one side of a table etc, so our system is that he does the “preclean” and then I finish it off. For example, he’ll do a terrible job of cleaning the kitchen and then I go round and tweak... organize the dishwasher, rewipe the bits he’s missed etc. There’s also things that he can do easily and so he is always the one to pop to the shops, take the bins out, makes me a cup of tea 10 times a day, strips the bedsheets etc etc etc.
The fact he tries so hard to contribute and does genuinely help means it makes it much easier to cope when i go downstairs and all the kitchen cupboard doors are open, the dog just ran out the open front door, there’s spilt milk all over the floor and our baby has no nappy on, and he got distracted mid wee and there’s piss all over the walls.
I’m not sure I buy that adhd means you can’t try and contribute to a house / family.
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Post by AdeleS6845 on Oct 15, 2021 16:32:51 GMT
I know this is an Old Post. I'm hoping things are better for you now. The thing is with your husband you seem to be caught up in a parent-child dynamic. Melissa orlov speaks of this extensively in her book The ADHD effect on marriage. It is a good book to read. The thing is, your husband will never do anything for himself if you continue to enable him.
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