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Post by suzeebluecheese on Feb 1, 2021 17:24:32 GMT
Since Christmas, I’ve largely been sitting at my kitchen table from the time I get out of bed until it’s time to go back to bed tanking up on caffeine & cigarettes.
I flit between my Facebook feed, research topics that catch my interest, check various news outlets. It’s like getting lost down a rabbit hole. If I’m feeling anxious, I flit through it all faster & faster until I realise I’m just mechanically scrolling without really seeing anything. Prior to that, I was losing myself by sticking something reasonably entertaining but not too demanding on to half watch/listen to while playing game after game of something really mindless like online Solitaire. I’ll be telling myself I need to stop for quite some time before I do. It’s not unusual to reach evening before it occurs to me I need to eat.
Every night I resolve to do the next day differently, go for a pedal on my bike etc, but come morning, here I am again. It’s a bit like when I took citalopram for anxiety 10 years ago..began playing online Mahjong, simple pair matching, back to back morning to night & neglected the self-care stuff like eating. I know it’s really unhealthy behaviour - I’m underweight, ache from inactivity & have a horrible (non-Covid) cough - but I’m horribly locked in to it. I think I’m doing it to avoid listening to my thoughts.
Does this kind of self-destructive behaviour strike a chord with anyone? I am trying to move out of it. Quit smoking today. It’s a start.
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Post by speedy1 on Feb 1, 2021 21:23:05 GMT
I have a theory on this...
I love my science so I obsessed 4 a bit on the science of what ADHD is
Basically from all the info I gathered the best theory is that ADHD occurs when there is a shortage of available dopamine in parts of the brain
we need dopamine 2 produce neurotransmitters so signals can travel through nerves and we can perform tasks
we've adapted and found ways 2 produce/move dopamine (we've all found different ways)
But basically we either do things we enjoy, do things that release adrenalin (coz adrenalin releases dopamine),
exercise (something 2 do with endorphins), take stimulants (ie coffee, cigarettes or drugs) coz stimulants release dopamine
Basically we need stimulation 2 be able 2 function even 2 get up and put a meal in the microwave
And God help us if there's no food in the cupboard and we need 2 work out how 2 shop and rite now the world is pretty boring so it's hard 2 find stimulation
So I think it's easy 2 turn into a zombie and basically just exist
If u r starving ure subconscious will make u seek out food it's all u will think about your priorities will change
I mean in normal circumstances none of us would consider killing and eating another person
So if we r dangerously low on dopamine (which we need 2 survive) our survival instinct will lead us 2 ways of acquire it
This is why we so often find ourselves saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Sorry I think I mite of strayed a bit off topic or basically I had a point 2 all this but I've 4gotten what it was
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Post by suzeebluecheese on Feb 6, 2021 1:58:02 GMT
Hello Speedy1. Yes, the science is fascinating. I’ve been interested in dopamine for some time because my mum has Parkinson’s. Many methods of release. Gambling, sex, shopping (in her case), risk etc..anything that sparks the reward centre. Just prior to her diagnosis, when the GP was dismissing her issues as anxiety/depression, she was put on sertraline which provoked what we subsequently recognised as overt symptoms of Parkinson’s & I wondered if the increase in serotonin reduced the availability of dopamine & if it did, perhaps I also had an imbalance of dopamine (but not in a Parkinson’s way) to explain my reaction to the citalopram..lack of desire/motivation etc. Just guessing.
I felt like a zombie then & the last 5 weeks or so have felt a bit like that. Quitting smoking & fessing up here seems to have helped me snap out of it. I feel almost high..how odd. I had to get on the bike to go to an appt Weds & that was a good buzz. Energy surge. Got home & made a cake for a friend whose just come home after time recovering from a breakdown. Yesterday out walking. Today, I’ve been on the go all day, walking, made another cake. Sitting here in bed, I should be tired, I’m wide awake feeling like I’ve drunk lots of caffeine.
Yet, here’s the oddest thing. So far, this is undoubtably the easiest quit I’ve ever done & I’m naturally drinking far less tea & no coffee. No willpower necessary. Nor am I caning the nicotine replacement like there’s no tomorrow. So very unlike me, however, it is reminiscent of being on Zyban,only without the insane rages. I found two butts today, they triggered no desire. I chucked them with no urge to re-roll them, no pang of loss. This must surely mean I’ve been generating plenty dopamine or something connected with it right now. Maybe the profound relief from quitting sparked it. I really can’t figure it out.
I know it’s unlikely to last, & I’ll likely crash at some point but it’s really good timing. The single biggest thing I needed to do was lay off the fags for 24hrs after which the internal voice becomes kinder which is its own buzz iyswim. I am super-pleased realising it’s now Day 5..
Thanks for replying, I really appreciate it.
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Post by danherts on Mar 16, 2021 20:40:08 GMT
First visit here in years. This place is dead now eh?
Anyway, yeah this is a daily struggle for me too. I worked nights last night, got back and didn’t sleep for hours, slept and got up and just sat at the table with a whisky, vaping and looking at shit on my phone for four hours feeling guilty about the washing up not being done. I’ve also realised I’ve got a sex addiction that is ruining my life, who would of thought eh?
I can be productive though, and I think the key is to find productive things that you want to do. I love cooking curries and can quite happily spend six hours in the kitchen prepping months worth of stuff for the freezer. My recent obsession is the stock market and so I can tell myself that is productive as it has the prospect of making me money.
Once you’re up and doing something productive that doesn’t make you feel guilty, I think it’s easier to then go on to other less appealing productive tasks, mopping the floor or whatever, with the promise to yourself of a few hours of indulgence at the end of the night.
Also, go through your phone notifications and get rid of anything that is not essential. It’s so easy for a simple tik tok notification or whatever to drain hours out of your day.
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Post by cassandro on Mar 19, 2021 11:56:46 GMT
Pretty quiet, but not quite dead. The spam is offputting, so I've reported a bit of that.
I can relate to a lot of what Suze says. Going down a rabbit hole and emerging many hours later with nothing done is something probably most people get occasionally, but it's the complete inability to change the pattern despite absolute determination that makes me think something is wrong. Yes, turn phone notifications off, but I do usually turn on the phone to do something and some web or email app is already open and I have to clear that up before trying to remember what I was doing. Rather than 'self-harming' I can beat myself up as time-wasting activities are lack of 'self-discipline' - they can actually be a way of 'self-soothing'.
Well done quitting smoking, and I hope you keep it up as it will be helping with your general health and cough as well as state of mind. Knowing (ex-)alcoholics and people who even have to avoid caffeine, I'd like to think drugs have little control over me. When I mentioned to one person I had the reverse of an addictive personality, they asked if I'd tried heroin.
Dopamine theories make sense to me from the limited reading I've done, but if medication turns out not to work, I may change my mind. At the moment, while waiting for NHS to progress, I'm looking into natural ways to boost dopamine (diet including foods rich in tyrosine etc) and may post a thread about that, unless I get onto something productive task.
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