john98765
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Post by john98765 on Feb 11, 2021 13:16:15 GMT
Hi everyone, for the past 4 months I have been seeing a woman with ADHD. We became very close and we are constantly talking to eachother. Since a couple of weeks ago our conversations were all about how much we love eachother how much we miss eachother and what we want to do together. We also agreed we were in a relationship together.
But now that has all stopped but we do still constantly text eachother, it’s so different and difficult. She said her ADHD is to blame and she can’t stop her mind racing with feelings of ‘is she ready for a relationship’ ‘she fears being hurt’ ‘fears not having the time’ she says she’s overwhelmed.
I asked her if we should just be friends, but she said no, and says other things like all she wants is me. I am so confused, I am struggling with the fear and worry that I’m going to lose her. She won’t be clear where I stand, the love when we’re not together has completely gone.
I asked her today ‘shall I go away?’ And she said ‘no don’t go away’
I’m crippled with anxiety, this has been going on for 2 weeks, I can’t eat or sleep. The very questions I need answers to make her worse.
I need some guidance on how to help her and me overcome this if it’s possible
Thank you for any help
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2021 4:56:51 GMT
"...give to a gracious message an host of tongues; but let ill tidings tell themselves when they be felt."
You can't help her. If she has ADHD, she is biologically programmed to extract maximum cognitive benefit from a given situation. In a work environment, this can be a win/win but in an intimate relationship it often moves rapidly from win/win to lose/lose.
If you want to try and 'keep' an ADHDer the only advice I could offer is to do your absolute best to try and not be predictable.
Anything associated with obligation or commitment is likely to advance the expiry date on your relationship, too.
If it doesn't work out, don't blame yourself. ADHDers are impossible to please for very long.
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Post by tobyornottoby on Feb 12, 2021 18:05:57 GMT
Hi John
Hope you are well. I read your message with interest. From experience in your situation I needed to look at why I was reacting so badly to an unpredictable partner. I was completely drawn into the relationship and obsessively checked my messages waiting for responses from her, lost sleep due to my insecurities et cetera. I realised that it was not her unpredictability but my insecurity and attachment issues that made the situation so difficult. If she says she wants you around, then I suggest you listen to her. She will need to be heard but at the same time might need to be honest about her insecurities. Instead you make it about yours, which is not being here for her and may make it hard for her to express herself in the future.
I would suggest looking at Codependents Anonymous. It is a recovery program but free and can help you detach yourself from your fears and insecurities allowing both you to learn when your partner is the problem or when it is actually you. Alternatively you might look into a therapist that deals with attachment issues.
Sorry if this is not the answer you are looking for, it can be quite addictive to live on the adrenalin of fear but long term your life will change for the better and you will find yourself more present for those around you.
All the best Toby
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Post by tobyornottoby on Feb 12, 2021 18:14:04 GMT
Hello Boost
I find it difficult to accept your post as it suggests that people with ADHD are selfish and ultimately the end result will be loss for the neurotypical. The partner seems to be expressing normal fears around relationships and you seem to suggest that instead of providing a secure relationship with structure and boundaries that it would be better to keep the partner guessing which is both traumatic for both sides in the relationship and quite stressful. I know many couples whereby one of the couple had adhd and at no point do they seems to draw maximum cognitive benefit from every given situations but instead work together to support one another in their needs.
I may have misunderstood, and if so please let me know.
Best regards Toby
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2021 19:07:16 GMT
Hi Toby I'm no expert and I may have painted a worst case scenario
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