lostinspace
Member's not posted much yet
Enter your message here...
Posts: 36
|
Post by lostinspace on Jul 26, 2021 16:05:34 GMT
I'm curious about how to set goals in life. It's something I have never managed. I don't think I have any goals or I do but no idea to fulfill them. I think my goals are fantasies which are unachievable.
Before I close I have to disclose that I'm not diagnosed with ADHD. I am confident a diagnosis of ADHD would match my traits but I gave up on the second hurdle (or first). First hurdle was seeing the GP and for them to say that I've got enough traits to believe ADHD is a strong possibility. She advised to see an expert for a diagnosis. She then set me up with an initial telephone consult with a service in our area. Month later I got the telephone call and it was an anxiety and depression service. 40 minutes call and the person said I didn't fit their service and probably had ADHD. After calling off to find out who to send me to I got a call saying my county had no service to pass me on to. I gave up!
So while i do not have a diagnosis I have a very good reason to believe I had ADHD. This is why I'm asking about goal setting here. I'm at the point in life where I'm in last chance saloon to make something of my life. I either carry on like I am and struggle or I make changes before it's too late. I have not written myself off but the simple task of setting goals eludes me and I feel this will prevent me making a positive change.
I'm 48 years and have had a mediocre life. I have a bachelor's engineering degree in an obscure subject then a slightly more normal masters degree. I'm basically clever and capable but cannot plan through goals. I don't understand how to find my goals then how to set them which stops me working out how to meet them.
This probably sounds a bit daft or stupid but I can't explain it any better.
Any advice or comments?
|
|
arte
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 22
|
Post by arte on Aug 16, 2021 17:29:11 GMT
Hi lostinspace (nice username choice by the way),
I know it's been some time since you posted, but I hope you'll come back and see this
It sounds to me like your first goal should be trying to get diagnosed again. Trust me, I know how difficult it is, but it sounds like it's really affecting you. A proper diagnosis can be very cathartic, especially for ADHD people. It's like we can finally let go of the guilt and the shame - we're not stupid, lazy or unreliable, it's the ADHD! (Side note: no one fails their goals because they're stupid, lazy or unreliable, it just means there are issues there that need to be resolved, whether that's ADHD or something else.) And once you have a diagnosis you also get access to treatment obviously. So yes, you may have to deal with some incompetent or ignorant people and it may take some time, but I think it's worth it. This subforum may help. Also have a read here.
Secondly I think it's important to touch on what you said about your life. A bachelor's in engineering and a master's degree is already way beyond mediocre. One really unfortunate symptom of ADHD is our bad memory - we really struggle to remember all of our joys and achievements. This is where CBT can really help, and you don't need to be diagnosed with ADHD to request or benefit from it.
Now on to your actual question ADHD is really a type of executive dysfunction. Meaning planning, prioritising, organising and sustaining effort will all be affected. Not to mention building and sustaining motivation over long periods of time... Not trying to discourage you, on the contrary, I'm trying to say it's not your fault that you're finding it so difficult. This is, again, something that either CBT or some other form of counseling or coaching could help with. You don't have to go it alone!
This video can probably explain it better than me.
The fact that you're not sure exactly what your goals are makes me think that perhaps you're just looking for a change. Which is perfectly fine and quite common among ADHDers. You just need to be careful not to make any big decisions if you're in a bad emotional state. Of the goals you do have - some may be unachievable in their current form, or in your current situation, but that doesn't mean they'll never be achievable, or that they can't be adjusted to fit your situation. And, like the video above says, you may want to let go of some goals - after all, if you've had them for years and years and never got started on them, maybe they're not that important to you. Letting go would give you back some mental and physical resources to tackle another one.
I hope that all made sense. Let me know if any of that resonated with you
|
|
arte
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 22
|
Post by arte on Aug 16, 2021 17:53:40 GMT
Sorry, I just now realised you're not a newbie and you've been around this forum much longer than me! So apologies if I said some really obvious things!... But my main points still stand.
|
|
|
Post by julian on Oct 10, 2021 6:33:58 GMT
Hi Atre,
Thanks for posting your reply. I am in a similar boat to the original poster and it really helped me.
|
|
|
Post by "Chris" on Oct 16, 2021 22:09:01 GMT
Hi LostinSpace! I can't advise on goal setting but I do advise you to go private for your diagnosis! Depression and failed attempts at reaching goals can rob us of the desire to set goals, which is why I can't advise you really on goals. As one diagnosed in August at 35, I am receiving medication and it is a gamechanger! I think you may find out how to set your own goals with treatment. I know I found my voice through treatment, so you could very well find out your goals. There's a chance you won't though, too. One point for me, with regard to the medication I take (elvanse), is that my mood is improved and regulated so, so much! I do still focus on small things to feel better (being grateful, helping others, expressing thanks, acknowledging others) which I feel helps me to sustain a good mood for a great portion of the day, as well as energy and focus to perform tasks that I would otherwise have skipped! Good luck, let us know how it turns out, if you can! All the best
|
|
|
Post by cassandro on Oct 18, 2021 12:48:59 GMT
I think my goals are fantasies which are unachievable. Really, where is the dividing line? Society does tend to suggest some, often unachievable, goals, fame, beautiful partner and so on. Some daydreaming is actually coming up with ideas that may not be achievable the way you envisage, but could be useful in revealing interests and skills to develop. I did try something once that was called something like goal-setting therapy, and there was a defined process. It started with listing your values. That much seemed sensible, but somehow I ended up with practical things like buying shoes. I think the avenues that are open have way more influence in reality than people realise. Some people actually benefit from careers advice. I'm not saying it's no use for ADHD, but not having clear ideas and support is a separate problem. I want to make some impact on something. If you asked me if I had, I could perhaps play up achievements in which I played a minor role. So much of people's activity is in social imagination, it can feel like it's been washed downstream out of sight. A practical craft hobby, gardening or cooking produces more tangible results. Should I learn French? It's the multiplicity of possible goals - like what's called the horror of contingency. If you don't have a dream, how d'ya make your dream come true? By accident? Stuff can still be worthwhile without long-term or even medium-term goals.
|
|
lostinspace
Member's not posted much yet
Enter your message here...
Posts: 36
|
Post by lostinspace on Oct 19, 2022 22:07:52 GMT
Sorry, I just now realised you're not a newbie and you've been around this forum much longer than me! So apologies if I said some really obvious things!... But my main points still stand. Sorry I didn't reply sooner but I'm a little flaky with my attitude to my potential ADHD. I drift in and out of looking into it. So I missed your excellent and very positive post. I thank you as it gave me a lot of positivity and things to think about. I change my mind from day to day about whether I want to get or need a diagnosis. I come here when I am in my "get a diagnosis" mindset. I don't really think I can get goals. I liken it to a hole where my ambition chip should be which means I cannot work out goals for myself. Or I don't think I do. I think the only goal I've had for years is to get a better job. I'm not in a very good job. I'm doing a lot more than my pay packet should pay for. How do people know what they want to target or do? How do they know that x, y or z is a goal for them? I think also that some of what you say is what my partner says. About my job she says I really should be earning a lot more but I need to work out what I want. If that is an underpaid, safe but rut of a job then I should acknowledge that. That idea scares me because I think my adhd, or whatever is there, will leave me without a choice in that. Perhaps my biggest issue is self value. I do not see my own value to the workplace. I have a unique set of experience and knowledge but I cannot see how it can be saleable outside of my current employer. My partner sees me as having very valuable skillset and experience that should be what companies want. She has the faith in me I don't. This all means I cannot see any job I could actually do in the job ads. My partner sees me as having the transferable skills for anything. She sees me as being technical, commercial and good with dealing with a wide section of the workforce and indeed society. I do not see that. One last thing. I ought have been on here longer but that doesn't mean I don't need, want or appreciate advice from others, I think I need the insight of a stranger to see things like others might see things. I know less about myself than others in some ways like my traits / weaknesses / strengths. Thank you.
|
|
|
Post by cassandro on Oct 23, 2022 11:31:19 GMT
I can relate quite a bit to that. I know I have untapped potential, but somehow lack the dedication to pick up skills and use them.
Your partner is probably right. A lot of people are undervalued in their job, whether they have ADHD or not.
|
|