Post by magicnick1990 on Dec 4, 2009 21:34:16 GMT
THIS POST IS PRETTY LONG BUT PLEASE READ IT AND RESPOND IF YOU CAN EMPHASIZE WITH MY MINDSET.
I posted not long ago here about two weeks ago, smug and happy at the fact I'd just gotten a 2k Business overdraft from Natwest for my web design business. Well, I'm on about £1350 now. I started on £1850 as they take a £150 yearly charge for the actual service of having it.
So in the course of a few weeks of having it, I've blown about £500. On nothing. I say nothing, not in the literal sense but in every other sense. I've just woken up, courtesy of a long sleep to the tune of a massive depression in my brain box.
On Wednesday I went out with a friend to get some chicken (in Nandos) and a pint or two. Having done the same thing a week or so previous and ending up blowing a ton of money on drugs etc. I was actually more conscious of it this time (although I always am) and even joked about it happening with my friend.
So... We end up staying there for more drinks, thinking... Well, even if this just ends up as a piss-up, it's not so bad, lets just enjoy it. Was going pretty smoothly - Then we met some Scottish guy who my mate vaguely knows.
I ordered a small batch of illegal substance and we got noodled, then went back to his. We stayed up all night, didn't sleep at all. We then walked to the train station in the morning, got back to our home town about 11am. We went to a local pub about then to have a 'final pint'. I had £90 in my pocket which I owed to the 'contact' the previous night for the 'stuff'. And an extra £40 too.
I used to be addicted to gambling by the way but got out of that about a year ago. But we walked past a roulette shop, fancied a flutter. Blew £20, then another £20 trying to get it back. So then in a semi-rage-semi-stupidity moment I put the other £90 straight in on red.
Luckily that spin hit and I got £180 back out. So that paid for the 'debt', my previous night out and I had a free £50. I was actually happy at this point obviously.
So then we went for a 'celebratory pint'. I'll skip some details - We ended up in another house doing more illegal substance. I gave the £90 to the guy. Then I blew the other £90 throughout the course of a few hours and I owe another £65 now too.
I'm sick of my addictive behaviour. Now given the assumption I have ADHD (99% sure) - It could be lack of dopamine fueling the constant need of... Stimulation. I also constantly try to spark deep debates and go on information hunts on obscure things. Anything that can challenge my head.
But I mean... I'd given myself a chance with this £2k overdraft and in an insanely small amount of time I've blown nearly 50% of it and gained nothing. I've actually lost some. I don't have good memories, I have the same old "you idiot" - "you moron" - "why, why, why" - "that was ridiculous" thoughts.
I say I'm suicidally depressed. I'm not sat here with a fucking revolver but it's only because I feel so dead inside I can't be bothered to do anything at all anyway. If I could just pop one pill and it'd happen I would.
I am totally sick of this and confused. I have the ADHD appointment on Dec 10th. If I get Ritalin will it help with this sort of manic addictive behaviour.
Like I say, it's not just drug seeking behaviour, it's a totally fundamental addictive mindset. I think it coincides totally with ADHD but that they're not mutually exclusive. I don't think you have to have ADHD to be like this but I think it's often the case. I think ADHD fuels this sort of mindset.
I think for example Eminem has ADHD and a recent interview with him confirmed it even more to me. He himself is a totally admitted addict. He's only recently come back as he was addicted to sleeping pills and sedatives for about the last three years.
But as soon as he stopped that and started trying to get fit he started running. Then couldn't stop run. Got addicted to that lmao. Started running upto 17-19 miles a day. Also other stuff like he's seen all five series of 'The Wire' five times over.
That's off-point though. Any repliers, I'd appreciate you just taking the Eminem examples as a point of interest and not a point of focus to reply to lol.
I can't do anything in moderation. Anything I like, any form of brain stimuli, I just am an extremist. I can't balance normality or regulation. It's just me me me, hightime, hightime, hightime = exhausted, depressed. All over again and again.
There's never a limit. Which is okay for some aspect like I have no... Presevations about my own... Possible achievements. In that, I've just started a business but am also writing a book and doing this and that and yada. I have total self-confidence in THAT respect.
But other than that. It's lethal. It's not even run a marathon, it's like run until the blood vessels in my legs explode from exhaustion.
I posted not long ago here about two weeks ago, smug and happy at the fact I'd just gotten a 2k Business overdraft from Natwest for my web design business. Well, I'm on about £1350 now. I started on £1850 as they take a £150 yearly charge for the actual service of having it.
So in the course of a few weeks of having it, I've blown about £500. On nothing. I say nothing, not in the literal sense but in every other sense. I've just woken up, courtesy of a long sleep to the tune of a massive depression in my brain box.
On Wednesday I went out with a friend to get some chicken (in Nandos) and a pint or two. Having done the same thing a week or so previous and ending up blowing a ton of money on drugs etc. I was actually more conscious of it this time (although I always am) and even joked about it happening with my friend.
So... We end up staying there for more drinks, thinking... Well, even if this just ends up as a piss-up, it's not so bad, lets just enjoy it. Was going pretty smoothly - Then we met some Scottish guy who my mate vaguely knows.
I ordered a small batch of illegal substance and we got noodled, then went back to his. We stayed up all night, didn't sleep at all. We then walked to the train station in the morning, got back to our home town about 11am. We went to a local pub about then to have a 'final pint'. I had £90 in my pocket which I owed to the 'contact' the previous night for the 'stuff'. And an extra £40 too.
I used to be addicted to gambling by the way but got out of that about a year ago. But we walked past a roulette shop, fancied a flutter. Blew £20, then another £20 trying to get it back. So then in a semi-rage-semi-stupidity moment I put the other £90 straight in on red.
Luckily that spin hit and I got £180 back out. So that paid for the 'debt', my previous night out and I had a free £50. I was actually happy at this point obviously.
So then we went for a 'celebratory pint'. I'll skip some details - We ended up in another house doing more illegal substance. I gave the £90 to the guy. Then I blew the other £90 throughout the course of a few hours and I owe another £65 now too.
I'm sick of my addictive behaviour. Now given the assumption I have ADHD (99% sure) - It could be lack of dopamine fueling the constant need of... Stimulation. I also constantly try to spark deep debates and go on information hunts on obscure things. Anything that can challenge my head.
But I mean... I'd given myself a chance with this £2k overdraft and in an insanely small amount of time I've blown nearly 50% of it and gained nothing. I've actually lost some. I don't have good memories, I have the same old "you idiot" - "you moron" - "why, why, why" - "that was ridiculous" thoughts.
I say I'm suicidally depressed. I'm not sat here with a fucking revolver but it's only because I feel so dead inside I can't be bothered to do anything at all anyway. If I could just pop one pill and it'd happen I would.
I am totally sick of this and confused. I have the ADHD appointment on Dec 10th. If I get Ritalin will it help with this sort of manic addictive behaviour.
Like I say, it's not just drug seeking behaviour, it's a totally fundamental addictive mindset. I think it coincides totally with ADHD but that they're not mutually exclusive. I don't think you have to have ADHD to be like this but I think it's often the case. I think ADHD fuels this sort of mindset.
I think for example Eminem has ADHD and a recent interview with him confirmed it even more to me. He himself is a totally admitted addict. He's only recently come back as he was addicted to sleeping pills and sedatives for about the last three years.
But as soon as he stopped that and started trying to get fit he started running. Then couldn't stop run. Got addicted to that lmao. Started running upto 17-19 miles a day. Also other stuff like he's seen all five series of 'The Wire' five times over.
That's off-point though. Any repliers, I'd appreciate you just taking the Eminem examples as a point of interest and not a point of focus to reply to lol.
I can't do anything in moderation. Anything I like, any form of brain stimuli, I just am an extremist. I can't balance normality or regulation. It's just me me me, hightime, hightime, hightime = exhausted, depressed. All over again and again.
There's never a limit. Which is okay for some aspect like I have no... Presevations about my own... Possible achievements. In that, I've just started a business but am also writing a book and doing this and that and yada. I have total self-confidence in THAT respect.
But other than that. It's lethal. It's not even run a marathon, it's like run until the blood vessels in my legs explode from exhaustion.