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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2011 21:59:55 GMT
hi i live in derbyshire and my husband viciously attacked me one weekend cos of jealousy and he threatned to kill me, i had to go hospital and olice were informed of the incident as i was badly beaten black and blue on my face and they took pictures of me. He has been in remand in prison since march 14th and is up at magistrates 0n 14 april via videolink and then at crown court on april 26. I dropped all charges against him but CPS are proceeding because it is a violent attack. My teenager son who doesnt live with me is diagosed with ADHD and i think my husband has also got the same condition cos when i have gone to his flat i have found lots of my things that belong to me, money goes missing from my purse, he denies it, he turns things around to wot really has happened so he get the attention but it is the anger that is the worst. Him being in prison is doing him no good i am fighting to get him out so that he can get the right treatment and with that i no that his anger will improve because it has with my son.
Any help and advice would be appreciated, as i said we are married but we don not live together but i will give him my fullest support on this disabilty he is 57 years of age
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2011 19:02:18 GMT
Hi lynnech Well done for sharing your story, I truly feel for your situation. I can fully appreciate your desire to get your husband help but don't forget you also have to look after yourself here. That was a truly vicious attack by all accounts and by doing what you think is helping could be putting yourself at more risk. I would suggest you check online for any local domestic violence support so you can benefit from their experience as this is likely to be best for all parties. Also, the criminal justice system has the capacity to order all manner of reports on offenders. It could be that if you speak to police you could outline your concerns in what is known as a victim personal statement. As a result the court may get your husband a quicker mental health assessment and potential diagnosis than if he were not in that system.
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Post by goosey on Apr 11, 2011 20:17:34 GMT
Hi lynnech,
Welcome to the forum.
Wow, what a sad situation, am sorry to hear of the terrible time you've had.
My reply however is biased, as my previous career was as a police officer. In addition, my response isn't probably what you want to hear. I apologise for that, however, I am trying to be objective and advise you as best I can.
You did ask for 'any help and advice'
Firstly, I abhor violence, it is completely unnecessary, ends with physical and psychological injuries and it solves nothing.
Police statistics of 'domestic violence' are that incidents occur approximately 36 times before police are finally called.....with the violence increasing each time.
.....so when you say that your husband 'viscously attacked you one weekend and threatened to kill you'....and you were 'badly beaten black and blue so requiring hospital treatment. I read that as definitely not the 1st occasion and clearly unacceptable in any relationship.
Your husband being held on remand....is due to the extremely serious nature of his violence. This is significant as it's protecting your safety, ensuring he can not re-offend, or carry out his viscous threats.
Your husband clearly has issues, jealousy and anger being the most significant. Your husband may well have ADHD.....but this can't be addressed while this case is ongoing.
This is NO EXCUSE for his terrible behaviour towards you
Unfortunately.....it's a case of having to be cruel to be kind. The court case will continue and it is quite likely that he will be found guilty, due to the photographic evidence, hospital report and your original statement.
I don't know how your husband can get access to the help he needs, whilst in prison, but I would like to think that the anger management would be addressed whilst he is there. If not.....this needs to be pursued by his solicitor, doctor or even psychiatrist.
I apologise for the length of this post, and the fact that it's probably NOT what you want to hear, but I am trying to offer you some help and advice.
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Post by sherry on Apr 11, 2011 22:13:22 GMT
Prisons screen for developmental disorders such as ADHD. If they didn't there would prisoners on the roof every week.
Two wrongs don't make a right but, my ex hit me, so I waited until he was sober and decked him ;D
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Post by goosey on Apr 12, 2011 1:26:07 GMT
I did say that I abhor violence.....but have to say sherry....thats a great way of teaching a bully a bloody good lesson
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Post by twix on Apr 12, 2011 4:45:32 GMT
He may have adhd but if he does that doesn't excuse him hitting you or stealing from you. Disability or not, its not a reason to allow yourself to be treated that way or a reason for him to behave unacceptably. Please keep yourself safe.
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Post by phil on Apr 12, 2011 17:16:50 GMT
sherry prisoners are not assesed for ADHD! lol they assesed a german prison and found that 70% of the inmates where ADHD! lynnech chances are you ex husband will not see a prison M.O neither mind a psychiatrist he will be in a cell for 23 hours a day! are you in contact with you're husbands breif? for years i have been protesting how violent the police are and sherry backs me up the male officers are worse ;D what will happen is you're husband will be punished irrelivent of what was happening with you're husbands mental state at the time! it depends on the crown and previous offences convicictions wheither or not he will get a sentance he will be put on probation and he will go on the I.D.A.P that is an american programe they put wife beaters on probation officers play shrinks and perform C.B.T ;D i have been in the same position and i have been violent in the passed and i can't make any promisses that i wont ever be violent in the future althought thats the last thing i want. but there are times when we are in zones and this is not understood so we shut up about it just take the wrap as it is easier than trying to explane to people who just will never understand. i suffered years of domestic abuse "why can't you go and get a fucking job" was one of my ex wifes favourate quotes! but £1000's have been wasted on my punishment but absolutly fuck all has been done in the way of getting me through the system to see an ADULT ADHD specialist after over 5 years of dealing with the mental health team who should be in prison themselves after the way i was treated fucking interrorgated to try and get me to say i suffered delusions! the way i see it is nothing gets done to look into the why's and there is alot of biggoted opinions and bious views empathised in summing up opinions and conclusions to any event! i don't know the full SP with respect to you're husband but i can speak for myself and i do feel that the comorbid effects of having ADHD has put me into positions where i don't want to be! depression, anxiety, and sleep apneoa, has totally jaded my judgement at times but this is totally my fault what ever happens! nothing to do with ADHD and the NHS system and they are fucking great and know what the fuck is going on ;D like i said 70% of a german prison had ADHD when screened for the condition. so sherry how many times you done bird? was you as bent and violent on the job? lol ADHD you can't just lable it's diffrent strokes for diffrent folks! some abuse drugs and drink, some abuse people and stink! but it makes you think theres nothing set in stone how life is going to pan out with the condition and you can't say that all our lives are following the same path with the condition! lynn you are supporting you're ex husband and many people who are not intouch with ADHD don't believe it even exists you married this man in sickness or in health had a child with him so if you believe he has the condition then you should do the right thing and try to get him help
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2011 18:18:49 GMT
Anger and violence have many triggers and this thread highlights how society doesn't always deal with this to best effect. I would suggest that the wider discussion may be better suited to an alternative thread at the very least.
However vulnerable lynnech's husband may or may not be, his actions, whatever the cause, have also made her vulnerable. This situation has undoubtedly aroused significant emotions and unless she is properly supported then, as I said in my previous post, she may be doing more harm than good.
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Post by phil on Apr 12, 2011 19:21:48 GMT
eitherway the CPS are proscuting him and he will go on the I.D.A.P and then he will learn to supress his emotions basically have loads spent on a C.B.T course administrated by a probation officer that knows absolutly fuck all about ADHD ;D all the idap does is teach you every otherway to domestically abuse a woman apart from physical violence! womans aid ect would all take the same stance and make out that her ex husband is evil point out the fact that one woman per week will die from domestic abuse! as this is a ADHD support group and the fact that a high percentage of the UK prison population will be inside either due to ADHD or comorbid effects of having ADHD you should understand that prison is the worst place you're ADHD or co-morbid effects can take you. lynn won't find any support for her husband only maybe from who's husbands who are serving at this moment. but at the end of the day panther if you have adhd one day it could be you in the same position be it going over the edge with anxiety or depression or mania injuced from ADHD medication you can find you'reself in prison! you will be the only one to blaime case closed!
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Post by sherry on Apr 12, 2011 21:59:43 GMT
Phil, Guess I have been bullshited again. Before the cuts they were going to have officers trained in mental health to help ppl with Mental health issues to get a fairer chance in the Criminal Justice system, but that's prob out the window now thanks to the Gov't cuts.
Goosey, First domestic I went to the kid decided to try belittling me, he ended up his front door with my hand around his throat, 'you were saying?'.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2011 2:26:05 GMT
thanks everyone but this is the first attack on me and like i said he has the same symptoms as my teenager son, cos he has attacked me in the past and i live in the UK not america
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Post by roland on Apr 13, 2011 11:23:53 GMT
Hi lynnech welcome to the forum and I'm truly sorry to hear about what has happened to you! I think it might also be helpful if you rang the National Domestic Violence Helpline and get their take on what has happened to both you and your husband. Their number is 0808 2000 247. It's staffed 24 hours, it's free, and it's confidential. www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/Do please ring them, and also as carnelianpanther suggested talk to the police and tell them your concerns re ADHD. And as he said you can address this in a "victim personal statement" Here's a link to more information about this statement (you'll see that the statement allows you to include anything that may be relevant) www.cps.gov.uk/victims_witnesses/reporting_a_crime/victims_personal_statement.html
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Post by phil on Apr 13, 2011 12:28:50 GMT
i live in the uk too we have been sold a pup from america namely the IDAP and you're husband will be put on this course if you are with him or not. keeping you're EX partner in prison will cost in excess of £900 per week an ADHD D/X is around £500 and finding the route you you're husbands out burst and treatment may cost a few grand but it will keep him out of prison. the IDAP cost a few grand to put me on this course and i was violent prior to doing this course that was towards a bloke who kicked my son and i was put in a position of either getting a kicking infront of my boy or giving a kicking i chose the latter! the police was called and i was not getting arrested so thats one good thing but in order for the bloke to be arrested my 7 year old at the time would have had to go in the dock and i was not prepared to make that happen. the way the law is as you're ex husband has commited a violent crime that takes priority so the more prisons get choked up with "violent offenders" other offenders get early release this includes paedophiles! you're husband will probally get a suspended sentance and probation programes I.D.A.P and if he is lucky angers! but this is a total waste of money if you're husband has got ADHD! and the comorbid effects of having the condition. what you could try is to get you're husband to ask his brief with the intention to see a forensic psychologist! see how the law fucking stinks you withdrew you're statement but the CPS still go ahead with the prosicution but in order for the bloke who kicked my son to get arrested my 7 year old son would have had to testify in court? it's good how people automatically assume you're ex husband is just a total wife beating bastard and deserves everything he has coming to him! ;D but depression and anxiety could have played a huge part in the event and there is a high chance that you're husband has ADHD and co morbid effects with having the condition but there is nothing set in stone and even an ADHD expert i have met knows sod all about the condition so i'm not hugely optomistyc in even getting a diagnosis even though i have overwelming evidance to back me up
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Post by phil on Apr 13, 2011 12:36:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2011 12:47:08 GMT
There are no excuses for violence... there are only reasons for it. ADHD normally has other disorders that tag along with it. If you think he has ADHD, I'd also take a look into Borderline Personality Disorder. The way you've described your husband: Jealous, Stealing, Anger, Violence, Anxiety all seem to point to Borderline Personality Disorder. (Either on its own, or co-morbid with ADHD) en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder
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Post by phil on Apr 13, 2011 13:18:39 GMT
good call lee heres a tune that may help empathise wtf is going on in lynn's ex hubbies head
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Post by sherry on Apr 13, 2011 19:24:10 GMT
Sorry Phil, the reason CPS still prosecute even if the person withdraws their complaint is due to the fact that majority of domestic murders are preceded by numerous withdrawn complaints of violence.
I have dealt with loads of domestic violence victims in the past who repeatedly withdrew complaints even after serious life threatening injuries or the miscarriage of their baby after they were kicked or stabbed in the stomach. Yes the law doesn't always fall in favour of the righteous, but nothing is perfect and we still have one of the fairest some would argue softest legal systems in the world. Some women suffer domestic violence all their lives.
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Post by phil on Apr 13, 2011 23:28:55 GMT
In the passed the CPS have made major balls ups and have bailed out prisoners that have attacked witnesses but that go's to show there is no screening of offenders and mental illnesses! and a lot of the time these offenders have psychotic delusions, are schizophrenic or suffer from bipolar disorder. No rational minded person would stab there partner or terminate there unborn child! Going off the age of lynns husband if bipolar or schizophrenia was a factor it would be highly unlikely that the illness would appear so late in life! Lynne's has suffered both domestic abuse at the hands of both her husband and her son! Although domestic abuse is not a symptom of ADHD/ADD that is what her son was diagnosed with! So it is more than likely there is a comorbid effect running with the ADHD! That her husband has passed to the son.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2011 19:49:49 GMT
my son does not belong to my present husband, he is from my 1st
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Post by twix on Apr 14, 2011 21:36:51 GMT
Phil, there are also cases of violence to partners and children and pregnant women from perpetrators who don't have any mental health issues. It's not pleasant but its true.
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Post by sherry on Apr 14, 2011 21:56:44 GMT
Twix, You are absolutely right. Some people are just scum.
Phil, you are right CPS fook up all the time too.
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Post by phil on Apr 15, 2011 2:29:36 GMT
Lynn so there is no genetic link between you're husband and son at all! So apart from both the hubby and son being violent what else makes you think you're husband may have ADHD?
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trigger
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Post by trigger on Apr 21, 2011 8:34:32 GMT
hiya lynnech. Im 31 and im tryin to get diagnosed w adhd myself. I have a long hidtory of abusive behaviour that on a few occasions translated into assaults on my gfs. i can start by asking the outraged majority here to kiss my abusive, unmedicated ass.
No one knows better than me how out of control i felt when i become abusinve. with me it happened as a result of rejection or insecurity. I find myself unable to think of anything else, stuck in a loop and a very painful one. I could not stop myyself and it has taken me a lot of time to learn how to manage it! I try to avoid situations in the first place, by focusing on communication w my partner or even staying away fro a girl if i feel she cant be trusted or just wants to use me. When i saw red, i swear i was unable to stop myself and the shame and disgust i felt after were unimaginable, i rly cannot stress this enough. I would have been the first to cast the stone at the ''wife beater'' until i did it myself. some of the answers here are pure bigotry. still im not sayin your guy has adhd nor am i saying adhd absolves a man from domestic violence, i know i havent absolved myself. I found ways around it long before i knew of adhd but i still feel ''vulnerable''. Im so lucky my gf is very supportive w this.
My advice is, if he has shown regret (i mean on his knees crying w snot running down his nose) and agrees w the symptoms and genuinely wants to seek help, give him a change BUT cover your back and dont be dependant of him for a while!!! Always have a backup plan and make sure he knows it. I fear u could be just making excuses for him. As for his sentance, dont count on it being reduced, thats just the way it is.
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trigger
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Post by trigger on Apr 21, 2011 8:40:09 GMT
this board is full off people complaining about their adhd husbands anger and abuse. This thread has been read by loads of people, yet no adhd man came forward to give his views?? Im pretty sure guys like me have read it but were too ashamed to leave input. Wats wrong w this picture? Lets drop the biggotry please, this forum is about mental health, lets get things on the table just the way they are, only then we can make progress
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trigger
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Post by trigger on Apr 21, 2011 11:59:24 GMT
totally regret this post now :S i wont delete it tho, for full effect
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Post by phil on Apr 22, 2011 6:32:04 GMT
Trigger- who else have you assulted due to you're mental illness? my outbursts have all revolved around the welfare of my children nothing to do with jelously. more like stress and anxiety! i don't often cry so if i have got ADHD and as i put in the thread pokerface i look stern and find it hard to express emotion IE; i don't cry (often) as a nipper i put on the water works over anything it's like going from one extream to the other!
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Post by phil on Apr 22, 2011 12:22:40 GMT
i have put a tread up on violence seems either folks are in total denial feeling pretty guilty or maybe violence has nothing to do with ADHD! there seems to be a divide in peoples beliefs and with comorbid effects it's diffrent stokes for diffrent folks!
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trigger
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Post by trigger on Apr 22, 2011 15:20:01 GMT
only ever attacked people close to me or a couple of guys over girls which is related. Although I always regretted it and felt out of control when ive done it, i cannot blame it on any mental illness, but id say the problems I am trying to deal with now were definitely a factor.
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Post by phil on Apr 22, 2011 17:17:07 GMT
Trigger- Do you let you're partner go out drinking on her own?
When you're partner is away from you do you have negative thought cycles ie; you're own mind you picture her out letting every tom, dick, and harry sticking her one and you're own mind is provoking you?
Do you check you're partners mobile phone text messages or call log?
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trigger
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Post by trigger on Apr 22, 2011 18:34:22 GMT
my current partner is a gem!! never spy on her and i dont stop her from doing anything. She's trustworthy and i dont suspect her. Omg shes a salsa dancer! Ive had jealousy tantrums before w her tho, but very very softcore. If only ever gone down that road after being dumped or cheated on
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