smithson6
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Post by smithson6 on Oct 1, 2012 9:15:47 GMT
Do any of you have any tips for bringing this up with him? It has never been suggested by anyone before. He is extremely sensitive to criticism and can get very angry, very quickly. Also -if he decides to shut down the conversation, that will be it forever. He will refuse to discuss it again.
We have been married for a few years and have a little one- i am struggling a bit now if im honest.
he is a great man- very creative, very sociable, life and soul of the party etc but also has these problems:
Chronic mismanagement of money- running up huge credit card bills with no means of paying them off and refusing to see there is a problem (and I mean HUGE bills) getting hundreds of parking tickets and refusing to pay them, getting thousands of pounds of bank charges for bouncing direct debits, etc. etc. never paying his bills- his ohone gets cut off every month etc.etc.
Chronic procrastination: Cannot start something ever without a huge fuss. If he has to get on with a job he will circle it in a rage for hours, then get randomly distracted and go and do something like cut down a tree or whatever, eventually start and leave it half done and expect me to clean up the mess. This happens always and about everything.
Chronic lateness: always late for everything. every job, every situation always- usually because he cannot focus to pack or whatever and decides to go and do something random like cut a tree down whatever.
Struggles with work: He is great at his job (carpenter) but seems to find it such a struggle to stay on task. he will do a weeks work and then come home literally overwraught and ready to explode. after work and at weekends he cannot do anything except exactly what he feels like doing or he explodes. Any suggestion of planning anything is met with RAGE.
I could go on. Does this sound like Adult ADHD to any of you?
I am struggling. his behaviour feels really out of the normal range to me. his self esteem is also very low and he is extremely difficult to talk to about problems. i have also always had the sense that he cant help his problems but that is not really any comfort at the moment.
Any advice a) about whether it sounds like adult adhd or b) how to bring it up with him successfully without him thinking i am having a go at him.
Thanks.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2012 19:37:54 GMT
Do you know anyone with ADHD that you could find a way to get him to meet? Or maybe play the Rory Bremner radio programme (there's probably a copy on the main site).
It's not a criticism when people have the 'lightbulb' moment, and realise why they are the way they are.
Which, he seems to be quite ADHD-like, although obviously, usual disclaimer of 'only a specialist can diagnose ADHD'.
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smithson6
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Post by smithson6 on Oct 2, 2012 7:21:15 GMT
I agree its not a criticism but he would almost certainly take it as such. He gets very upset by being so chaotic all the time and explodes if you refer to his problems with organisation and so on.
I will have a look for the Rory Bremner thing.
I dont think I know anyone with a ADHD diagnosis so cant do it that way. Thanks for the suggestions.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2012 7:57:29 GMT
What I meant is, it shouldn't feel like a criticism if he works it out for himself. One of the big self-esteem boosts is realising there is a medical reason why you are the way you are, and that there are other people who suffer from it too.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2012 8:08:47 GMT
How about finding some good articles about it and leaving them round the house?
Or tell him a story about some person at work who feels really relieved because they found out that there was a reason why they were so disorganised - then laughingly suggest that they're just like him, so maybe he should check it out.
The key is to get the insight/ awareness of the condition, as it affects adults, across, so that you lose the accusatory 'you're too chaotic' element. That's why it's most likely to be successful if he can make the link himself - most of us have done it by seeing an account of what ADHD is, and thinking, bloody hell, that's me - or they've been told by someone they trust that they really should check it out...
You could speak to your GP, if you share one - it might also help to understand how sympathetic he's going to be if your OH approaches him, and in some ways, a 3rd party observer saying 'he's always been like this and I think it might be ADHD would work better than him going in and saying 'I can't cope any more, and I think I might have ADHD', because the docs almost always hear only the first bit and diagnose depression, which is very unhelpful.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2012 9:23:18 GMT
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smithson6
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Post by smithson6 on Oct 3, 2012 6:53:06 GMT
Thanks for the link. Am going to listen, read more and find out more and try to find the right time to talk about it. Whilst I'm sure he is aware deep down that this chaos he lives in is having a big impact on his/my/our wellbeing, he is so defensive about it I'm not sure if anything could get past the immediate (explosive) response to bringing the subject up. I guess years of being told off by parents, teachers, bosses and partners has created a really big red button for him. I'm not sure that he would make the connection with any articles etc. either- just feels like he is in denial about it/cant admit there is a problem, because its too upsetting to think about. Thanks for the suggestions...appreciate it.
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Post by boo on Oct 3, 2012 7:24:28 GMT
hi there... how old is your little one?
I do feel for you, aside from actually discussing this as ADHD being a possibility, have you guys discussed these issues generally, i mean, is he aware that the things you have listed in your OP are having such an impact on you?
and if yes... has he ever acknowledged that they drive him potty too?
many of us will be defensive, but also be very self damning about our "failings"
you may find he already chews over all of these things himself and feels acutely aware that there is an underlying "something"
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smithson6
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Post by smithson6 on Oct 3, 2012 8:06:39 GMT
little one is two and yes we try to talk about these issues but he ALWAYS thinks I am just having a go at him. Sometimes if I really push him he will just cry and say he's shit and he's never been able to cope but its very rare for him to open up and he will only do it if I really push him until he looses it completely. He will never admit he has problems/talk about them normally or in a quiet, non dramatic way.
The issues I talked about in the OP are really extreme and really consistent throughout his life. He literally cannot get his head around time or money management, to the extent that he will be weeks or sometimes months over time on every job he does- which basically means he never makes any money despite trying really hard. He will be hours late for everything and i don't think he has ever booked a docs appointment etc. that he hasn't missed. I remortgaged my house to clear his debts as we had bailiffs coming around to his flat every day- but even then, he wouldn't agree/admit that there was a problem or that he had difficulties organising his money.
I guess it has got a lot harder because in the past I would help him out if he needed it but now (with little one) I am much more dependent on him and I cannot support him in the same ways that I used to.
I want to help him- i want to help us but I am loosing my temper all the time at the moment and its really upsetting him (quite right too)
Something just doesn't feel right about his problems- he never adjusts his behaviour or learns from his mistakes and he is very bright. Descriptions of adult ADHD (without the hyperactivity) describe him completely- i just think he has created all of these compensatory behaviours which are now so intrenched (having back-to-back organised partners since teenage years/rage when questioned, self employed, life and soul of party etc.) its going to be really hard to unpick them.
Sorry that was a bit ranty.
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smithson6
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Post by smithson6 on Oct 3, 2012 8:49:31 GMT
Sorry i didnt answer your question properly. i would say he appears to be unaware of the impact his problems have on me- mostly blames them on me or someone/something else, regardless if how often they are repeated. He also thinks I make a big fuss about everything and says as long as he is trying his best, I should not say anything to him about his chaotic behaviour. He does seem to have a deep knowledge that something is not right and that he finds things really hard but he has buried it very deep and has arranged his life so that he doesnt have to address it and those closest to him know not to bring it up.
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Post by Guest on Oct 16, 2012 6:23:46 GMT
I have been watching this message thread for some while and each time it is as if I am reading something that I have written. Apart from the fact that our circumstances are different, the emotions you mention are identical to mine. My husband has recently been away for a few weeks and before he went, I sneaked a copy of "You mean I'm not lazy, crazy or stupid" into his luggage. I am sure that he would have gone mad when he found it, but at least I wasn't around to be on the receiving end of it, and hopefully (if he has bothered to read it) he might be reflecting on some of its contents. We have had several phone conversations, but he hasn't mentioned it at all. I know it sounds cowardly, but after 20 years of marriage, I am at a point of trying to deflect the daily confrontation and conflict. I first learned about ADHD in adults about 6 months ago and have since read everything I can about it. I now feel much stronger in myself, have regained some of my former confidence, and feel much more positive about dealing with my husbands mood swings and unreasonable behaviour in the future. My advice to you is to spend some time putting yourself first (yes, even before your child). That way, you will be stronger to deal with the daily chaos and your child will grow up not having to watch its mother treading on egg-shells.
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smithson6
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Post by smithson6 on Apr 27, 2013 16:40:22 GMT
Thanks for that message- ages ago now sorry, i didnt check back in. I am comforted to know that someone understands my situation and agree that I need to put myself first for a bit. our marriage is now on the brink of being over and we are in counselling but there is still no recognition from him that he has these problems. I am going to talk to him about my suspicions about ADHD soon as there is nothing left to loose really- if he reacts badly then at least he may think about it at a later date and get some help.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2013 17:46:53 GMT
I can relate to your post from the 'other side'. I bet you are doing your utmost to make the marriage work and it all probably feels a bit futile. Here's some of my generalised thoughts which might help you. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ADHD_predominantly_inattentive- Often making careless mistakes when having to work on uninteresting or difficult projects
- Often having difficulty keeping attention during work, or holding down a job for a significant amount of time
- Often having difficulty concentrating on conversations
- Having trouble finishing projects that have already been started
- Often having difficulty organizing for the completion of tasks
- Avoiding or delaying in starting projects that require a lot of thought
- Often misplacing or having difficulty finding things at home or at work
- Disorganized personal items (sometimes old and useless to the individual) causing excessive "clutter" (in the home, car, etc.)
- Often distracted by activity or noise
- Often having problems remembering appointments or obligations, or inconveniently changing plans on a regular basis
Someone should prolly add something about relationships to that ^ It was reading that list that opened my eyes to the possibility of having ADHD. Unfortunately, 'knowing' wasn't enough to save the relationship that followed. I didn't arm myself with enough info to help that aspect because I was focused purely on the career side of things and my failings in that area. I wrote my failed relationships off as just one-of-those-things; I completely didn't link the two. I put this down to not having a relationship role model to follow when I was younger (parents were divorced before I was 4 - my old man is typical ADHD) and thus me putting 'maintaining a relationship' about 10th on my list of life priorities. I lie; it wasn't even on the list. Anyway, the point I am getting at is just telling him, even if he gets onboard with it, may not be enough. To turn this around, I think you have to see yourself as part of the problem. You're not, of course but you have to believe it to some degree. It's well documented that kids only respond to positive reinforcement and I think that applies to some of us 'grown ups' too. Years of living with ADHD and thus a small mountain of disappointments does not make us thick skinned, even though it might appear that way. Instead, we simply disconnect from scenarios that we know we cannot win. A perfect example of this is an inflamed, irate spouse. There is no way to win these battles in our minds. Once it reaches this point and if you are ALREADY stressed about other things, you absolutely do not want to engage in another pointless argument with your spouse. We do whatever it takes to defer or kill this instance of the argument so we can get back to enhancing our own calm, probably by pissing the evening away playing computer games or some other dopamine inducing reward habit. Some will be reading this thinking 'but I love arguing - I love proving other people wrong...' I think it depends on stress levels. So what do you do? It's been suggested in this thread to try 'plant the seed' so he figures it out himself. An inception-style moment! Could hugely backfire if he feels manipulated so I would be direct. Also, people hinting at things because they think I've missed the point pisses me off. I considered the point before you mentioned it - I just got distracted! Perhaps show him the above wikipedia section, or this site or maybe even this thread. How to bring it up? Dunno. Don't be negative though and don't bring it up when he's tired. Don't be his catalyst by entering into an argument. I would maybe frame it around your son/daughter. If he does have ADHD, there is a chance your kid will have it too so it's in your interests to iron out as many issues with him before the coming of age. Perhaps brush up on the positive aspects of ADHD beforehand. We love being told we typically have higher IQs What to do next? Identify and minimise all major stress angles in his life. You may be one of them at the moment so start with the easiest - you. Don't take it personally and take some solace in the fact that living with an ADHDer is a fucking mammoth task at it's low points. He will need to feel in control of this process - don't do the donkey work for him. Dr Russell Barkley says that ADHDers need MORE accountability not less. No doubt he's figured out a bunch of coping strategies which effectively revolve around that but he may need your help on these few issues which are drowning him. I've no doubt you've done a sterling job holding it together so far and I really hope you manage to sort it out. As someone else mentioned, make sure you get some ME time. Once he gets his shit together, you will probably something epic. I hope some of this rambling helps you. Best of luck and don't give up
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Post by manson88 on Apr 28, 2013 20:18:34 GMT
Try printing one of those on line ADHD questionnaires off or fill it in for a laugh together f. Use it as a softener. It s a up hill struggle cause there's a lot off what you are talking about I can relate to. I get tested on Wednesday for ADHD I'm already severely dyslexic I for one will be glad to get diagnosed . Wednesday can't come quick enough.
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endeavour
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Post by endeavour on Apr 29, 2013 15:30:32 GMT
I'm sorry to hear your relationship has detoriated since your original posting. I left the message on 16 October as a Guest, about slipping the ADHD book into my husband's luggage when he went on a trip. He didn't react well - he threw the book back at me and said "So now you've found something else wrong with me!" There was a bookmark about a quarter of the way into the book, so I assume he at least started reading it. Since then, we have not mentioned ADHD. However, the understanding that I have gained from all the research has enabled me to deal with some of the most difficult behaviour much more calmly (especially the being late for everything), avoiding the escalation into an argument. As a result, I think my husband is being a little less defensive, and we are on a much more even keel at the moment. I have now joined the network properly, so you can send me a private message if you need some support/morale boosting.
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Post by DKL - darkknightslover on Apr 29, 2013 19:41:01 GMT
Humour might be the saviour of the day. I happened to be lucky enough to have had a friend who got diagnosed with it who was then my discovery/"case study" of inattentive ADHD. Where about are you in the country? There might be a friendly member on here who right be wiling to help in this case?
And how did you learn about ADHD anyway? Maybe that could be handy?
Sent from my GT-I9000 using proboards
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smithson6
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Post by smithson6 on May 20, 2013 12:46:45 GMT
Some really great advice there, thanks people. I have brought it up with him and bought him some material to read and he agreed that it does sound a bit like him, which I thought was a huge breakthrough and I was thrilled that he didn't react with anger.
However things are still really bad- worse even than before actually and whilst he did initially seem interested in following it up, now he has reverted to being angry and quite abusive. He has also siad that he thinks that I have ADHD and that it is me with the problem, which is just making me want to weep.
Im not perfect and have lots of problems but the issues that are associated with ADHD are not things I atruggle with so I have no idea why he thinks that- other than he cant own any of his problems and seems to need me to hold all of them for him.
I really dont want my marriage to end- I really love him but I am so exhausted now by either being shouted at or ignored that I really dont know which way to turn.
i would like to find some support and advice about how to approach all of this and as Michael says, to accept that I am part of the problem and to work on myself and my behaviour. I cant make him listen, i cant make him understand how exhausted i am so all I can do is look at my reactions to him.
Does anyone have any ideas where I might get some help from? Has anyone (as a partner of a person with ADHD) tried counselling or anything else?
anything?
x
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Post by DKL - darkknightslover on May 24, 2013 7:53:05 GMT
RELATE. I don't know if they're a Cambridgeshire counselling service or national, but worth looking into.
Sent from my GT-I9000 using proboards
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Post by JJ on May 25, 2013 23:22:41 GMT
Hi smithson6' I've sent you a private message - look to top right of the page when you log in and click on messages x
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