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Post by tiredmummy on Feb 26, 2013 15:30:16 GMT
Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum and would appreciate some advice if you have any... I'll have to be brief as I don't have the time to type out a long message.
Hubby (together for 13 years) has ADHD (diagnosed) and we are new parents to twins. I am essentially at the end of my tether. I am a very patient and caring person, I have educated myself on his condition and we have worked through some very difficult times together.
At this point, I find myself unable to say anything about things to do with the babies, without it being taken as a criticism and resulting in a massive fall out. We disagree on everything... 'You do it your way.. I'll do it mine' etc. There are too many things to list.. but basically I say something.. he falls out with me; I won't back down because its to do with the babies then he'll have a major strop and doesn't talk to me. Then we get over it till the next time.
I have no energy to sort all this out and I can't see how it will get better. I feel like he hates me....
Does anyone have any similar experiences to share? Words of hope? Thanks xx
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Post by li0nberries on Feb 26, 2013 20:32:49 GMT
Yes definitely words of hope. V busy at mo but really felt for you so quick one for mo.
This is sooo normal, I have add but none of my real life friends do and this FAZE after having one baby, let alone two is so common, no one warns you what a rough ride new born babies can put a relationship through, it's just kind of glossed over in an Australian soap kind of way in the books your health visitor hands to you.
A lot of people are embarrassed " for some reason ", to talk openly about it, which makes it harder cause it looks like all the other mums have picked wonderful men who will give their babies a perfect, loving, stable environment to grow happily in.
All this is bull, if things were good before, they WILL get good again, although you may be at the point where you're questioning wether they actually were ever good, which is also sadly normal.
Hang on in there, things will not always be like this. Will post in more detail when get a chance.
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Post by tiredmummy on Feb 27, 2013 20:19:16 GMT
Hi there Lionberries and thanks so much for your reply.. things are OK for the moment.. just the occasional rolled eyes when I ask him to do something! I do hope it's a phase we can get through, I never expected to feel so stressed about my husbands behaviour.. I expected to be knackered through the babies;) I think deep down I am mega worried about him taking over with paternity leave when I go back to work soon. I am hoping to go very (!) part time after the summer. I hope he loves it, but knowing how busy I've been.. I'm hoping he doesn't get too stressed out.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2013 22:13:16 GMT
Umm...lots of hormonal shit goes on for new mums - post-natal depression, etc? I can imagine it would make living with an ADHD hubby grimmer than usual. Might be an idea to talk to your doc, to see if they can help.
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Post by tiredmummy on Mar 3, 2013 20:02:22 GMT
Thanks for the reply; I appreciate totally what you said but I'm pretty sure it's not PND. The house and me! is harmonious when he's not in a 'mood'.
I really need some advice folks.. tonight, I asked for his help with something, did my usual pussyfooting/vague request thing as if I'm direct I'm 'patronising' and all I get is 'don't tell me what to do!!' we fell out because he found something else to do instead of helping me straight away... Anyway, off he goes to sulk.. I decide we need to have it out .. long story short, he won't talk to me, is ready to throw in the towel....
I love him... I'm knackered, my priorities have to be the babies right now, we have very little time for each other and how can I be nice to him when his ADHD is at it's peak? Please help x
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Post by Kathymel on Mar 3, 2013 20:32:25 GMT
Something that has worked for me in the past is writing to a partner. I know I'm not very measured when I'm in a face-to-face argument; I say things I don't mean and it all gets out of hand. I'm much better on paper where I can compose my thoughts and say what I really mean.
If you can do it I wouldn't pussyfoot round, either. Be direct and say exactly what you're thinking. Even, if you are really at the end of your tether, that this might be the last straw and you feel you might be happier on your own.
It's not acceptable for him to refuse to discuss this problem. It's passive/aggressive behaviour that is designed to punish you and make you feel guilty even though you have done nothing wrong.
I used to do very similar things. Luckily, I had a patient partner who showed me how much it hurt him and how rediculous I made myself when I did them. ADD folks can forget upsets quicker than non-ADDers, apparently. It's probable that he doesn't realise how childish he is being or recognise on a conscious level what effect he is having.
Hope things get better for you! x
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Post by tiredmummy on Mar 3, 2013 20:38:50 GMT
Thank you Kathymel, it's true, if I bring up how much things he's said have hurt me, he completely dismisses it. And that's exactly how I feel right now.. all my fault. Tonight when I said I wanted him to show me a bit more consideration he asked if I wanted a rosette??
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Post by tiredmummy on Mar 3, 2013 20:44:25 GMT
Also, trouble is, I can't win... if I tell him everything that's on my mind he'll pack a bag. All I want him to do is say sorry for being a stresshead, give me a cuddle and tell me what a wonderful job I'm doing.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2013 21:52:24 GMT
I can relate to this somewhat, unfortunately.
What's his work life like at the moment? New twins = stress. Coupled with stress in another area = overload. He may feel you are trying to 'compete' with him on some level too. I agree with Kathymel about being direct; don't bother with hints. You have to be in a certain mindset with a positive emotional bank balance to appreciate hints.
I still can't be sure what will make someone snap out of this behaviour but once he starts seeing you as an ally and not an aggressor it should improve. Do either of you have kids from a previous relationship? Does he believe he is more experienced than you somehow?
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Post by tiredmummy on Mar 4, 2013 16:09:29 GMT
Hi Michael, Thanks for your reply; mine will have to be quick...
Yes his work is definitely stressful at the moment, and no, we are first time parents..
we are back on talking terms today.. I know I'm not perfect... but I do try so hard to keep things harmonious, I'm just very drained at the moment and worried for our future. I feel sick with worry today..
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Post by Guest cb on Mar 4, 2013 21:03:27 GMT
My sympathies. My hubby stayed at home with our son for several years when I went back to work. I didn't know he had ADHD then, so used to go ballistic when I returned home to find that baby had not had a daytime nap, so he fell asleep just before I got home, dinner was still in the freezer, and wouldn't be ready til 9pm when baby woke up again ready to eat and play! Don't expect your husband to follow your routine or any instructions when he is at home - just be prepared to deal with the chaos each time you come home. Sorry to be so negative - our son is now 20 (and also has ADHD) and we are all still together, so it is possible, just very hard work.
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