london
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Post by london on May 13, 2013 22:39:55 GMT
I love my husband deeply, we've been maried for a year, and living in our own home for two.
I've been reading these posts, crying in sympathy with (what seems to be) the many wives of ADD sufferers.
My husband had ADD as a child, but was declared "Recovered" by his mother (a SENCo), and his doctor. In the two years we have lived together, I've gradually become more stressed, to the point where I am now getting therapy for a (mild) heart condition. The thing which has struck me most, is the anger and frustration, and the descriptions of chaos. Our house was a do-up job, but in 2 years, not a single room is finished, as he can't finish anything. I find myself using a scrubbing brush to remove long forgotten grout from tiles laid and covered with a rug, or stepping on hammers. Rather than make our home any better, he finds new inventive ways of rearranging tools and shelves.
I'm rambling, I think, but I suppose I really just wanted to know I'm not alone, and that things can improve, since he at least has come to acknowledge his "psychologically anominal behaviour".
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2013 23:01:06 GMT
I have to ask, how did you not notice this in the last five years? Is it, by any chance, since you started living together? My gfs seem to end up throwing things in pure frustration. One of them introduced a stone to my car bonnet several times... I have to wonder what kind of woman does it take to put up with me! I still don't genuinely know what it would take to avoid it tbh. I have become a little more aware of the way I am so I'd say there is hope
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2013 23:54:57 GMT
With regard to the family home, if it is important to you that you 'do it up together' to somehow further cement your marriage (it might not be on his radar) then you might want to consider picking the smallest room in the house, or the smallest collective job and then planning and tackling it together. If you're creating a list, anymore than about 4 things on a list of a job I don't want to do (is he a keen DIYer?) insta-bores me, so keep the job list short but the goals relatively attainable Once you've done the one room together, you can possibly suggest getting someone else (helpful family members?) to help with the rest or if you don't care how it gets done, get it all sub'd out as quickly as possible because mess is stress, y0!
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Post by DKL - darkknightslover on May 14, 2013 8:32:13 GMT
Lists and deadlines are probably your way to go. If there are other areas of his life affected by his "cured ADD" it might be worth getting it reassessed.
It sounds like it's worth exploring different support structures though in your Hubby's case, as I'm guessing neither of you have taken on this sort of project on? It might be that the scale of the "project of the house" has become overwhelming, and the time it's taken to get as far as you have has meant a loss of motivation.
May I suggest that you both do something to re-inspire yourselves, break up the house into mini-projects, and overlap them so that you start on one and get that rolling, then plan the next so the motivation from starting something new then transfers to the older task, then as you complete the older one and progress with the second, plan the third so that the feeling of accomplishment and motivation and enthusiasm from the completion and starting of different tasks all feeds into one thing?
Another thing you could try is to be very specific about expectations from him, encouragement and as little negativity aimed at him as possible. If he's anything like me, he'll be consumed with guilt most of the time anyway, so won't need reminding about certain things or behaviours. However do not brush problems under the carpet - drag them out and inspect what went wrong and what to do about it. Also remember there aren't any quick fixes and that sometimes solutions need to go through an evolution process to see what works.
Also it'll be worth investing in a huge whiteboard as a communication and organisational tool. I have one at home in the entrance hall, as well as myself and my hubby having smart phones and e-mailing each other all the time and making use of cloud storage such as Google drive for documents/information we both need to access.
Sent from my GT-I9000 using proboards
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Post by wiserabbit on Aug 10, 2013 14:48:00 GMT
Wow - new to the forum today and everything here seems so familiar!!! Talk about validation - all these other wifeys seem to be describing my husband too! London - the week I discovered I was pregnant, my husband started stripping the wall paper off the walls in our bedroom on a complete and total whim. My son is now just over two, and the room is still unfinished and everything that has been done I did myself after giving up on him finishing the job!
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