Post by Collywobble on Jan 26, 2009 13:11:14 GMT
I am really hoping that someone can help me on this forum. I am desperate. I have been with my functioning alcoholic husband now for almost 14 years and we have 2 lovely children together. I have always been aware of his drinking problem but as he is never abusive or violent and as I love him dearly I have stayed with him and tried to 'save' him. He has never been attentive to me, often ignoring me and he has never been supportive in anything I have done. He always seems to be in a world of his own unless it's something of great interest to him and he forgets everything. This side of his character has really irritated me over the years as I have felt unappreciated, unloved and very very lonely. I have done all the nagging and shouting all to no avail. About 6 years ago my mother devloped dementia and a year after her diagnosis, her illness demanded more of my time and attention. This went on for just over 2 years and I felt that I was going to have a nervous breakdown trying to cope with my husband, dealing with my mum and my 2 children as well as holding down a job all with absolutely no support from anyone. I was put on medication from my gp which although did make me feel a little better, I was still living with all the chaos around me and I myself then started to drink alcohol. It started with just the odd can of larger every now and then when the children were in bed and progressed to drinking up to 2 bottles of wine a night starting whilst making tea. In my drunken stupors, I have been both verbally and physically abusive towards my husband. I blamed him for everything that was going wrong in my life mainly because I thought he preferred alcohol to his family and that I didn't feel loved and supported by him. This past 12 months has been a nightmare. He drinks at least a bottle of vodka every night and I recently (end of nov 08) found out that he has been having an affair with a work collegue. He has explained that the only reason his affair started is because of my behaviour towards him (he cannot stand the verbal and physical abuse any longer) and promised that the affair was over and asked me to go to marriage guidance with him. He told me he still loves me and wanted our marriage to work so I agreed to work on things with him only we both continued to drink and although the physical abuse stopped, I had found a new reason to verbally abuse him i.e. his affair. I have never felt so devastated in all my life. On Christmas day 2008, I looked through his phone only to find that he had continued his affair with this other woman. We are now separated and he is still with his girlfriend. He refuses to seek help to save our marriage although he does still profess to love me. He has told me that he does not love this other woman but that it started as a shoulder for him to cry on and has progressed from there. He says she is good for him and is a nice person whereas I am nasty and evil and no good for him. I have recently tried to take my own life over all this (thank god I got medical help and am still here to tell my tale) and am trying to get my life back on track. I thought all our problems were related mainly to alcohol but after doing lots of reasearch, I am convinced that my husband also has ADD. I have spoken to him about my suspisions and although he doesn't agree he has any problems, he has agreed to read 'Delivered from Distraction' which I am having problems getting hold of. I am desperate to try and save our marriage now after reading up on ADD. I realise now that he hasn't meant to be the way he has and he has been using alcohol to self medicate (something which is fairly common in adult ADDers I believe). I myself am attending Al-Anon meetings, and will shortly be starting counselling and anger management classes and I have completely stopped drinking alcohol. Unfotunately, my husband is still in denial and is not seeking any help for his problems. I think he feels that I am the only problem he has and has completely cut me off from his life. He ignores me and treats me with contempt. He says he is still very angry and resentful towards me which I do understand. Is there any hope for this marriage? He is a lovely person even under the influence of alcohol and probably the nicest person I have ever met in my life. How do I convince him to work our marriage problems out without sounding like I am blaming him or nagging him. I have apologised to him for all the wrong I have done to him but it doesn't seem enough.