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Post by jonmdavies on Jun 12, 2013 15:38:17 GMT
The past few weeks, things have often been very tense between my wife and I. She's under a lot of stress as she's heavily involved in a local charity that benefits us as we have a son with special needs. Whilst on the whole I'm getting better at the little tricks to help me remember to do things I'm still missing / forgetting things and seemingly not listening.
I know it's down to my ADD but I don't want to start sounding like I'm blaming it whenever she blows up at me for not doing something. She's read all the blurb I gave her (a lot of copying and pasting into a bullet form), but it seems like she's forgotten it.
What can I do?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2013 17:30:18 GMT
Get a smart phone and set a bajillion alarms/calendar items on it and keep it on you at all times!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2013 0:32:41 GMT
Typical man answer Mike - not helpful Right Jon! However hard you try, you are never going to be able to remove all symptoms. This is not the goal nor is it healthy. The problems we have are complex and hard to understand. It is hard enough for us to understand and accept and we are living day and night with the conditions. It is good your wife has read 'the blurb'. That is a good starting place. But it is only a starting place. You need to set apart quality time where you are both in a state where you feel free and comfortable to talk, no distractions. I know this is hard and not natural for men, but you need to communicate with her. Tell her your struggles, how you actually feel, and how it makes you feel when she blows up at you. This is what woman can relate to and understand. This conversation needs to not be a one off either. This is top priority, more important than your wife's charity work. Not to be too blunt, but if you don't get this sorted something will crack under the pressure of everything. Also, this pressure cooker situation is not the right environment for you to get better. AND, you need to stop blaming yourself for your conditions. It might even be an idea to have counseling to help you both deal with your relationship and the extra strains of managing your conditions and having a son with special needs. That is a lot for anyone. I hope I haven't come across too blunt, but this is how I honestly see your situation x
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Post by manson88 on Jun 13, 2013 5:52:07 GMT
I have similar problems fella my wife's attitude is my hubby doesn't have issues & just needs to go back to full time work.
She works in a special needs school you would think that she would understand plus there's stigma with mental health which doesn't help. You can pm me any time.
Sent from my GT-I9300 using proboards
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Post by Kathymel on Jun 13, 2013 7:04:03 GMT
Did she assume that once you understood your condition (is it a recent diagnosis?), you would be able to sort yourself out?
I would advise that she needs to re-read the info you gave her and then sit down with you to discuss the implications. it's quite possible she has forgotten much of what she read, or didn't relate it to your situation.
I agree with Petra that this is as important as the charity work and shouldn't be put to one side because of it. If you and your wife have a deeper understanding of each other, you will be more able to support your son's needs.
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Post by crookedmonkey on Jun 13, 2013 10:19:12 GMT
Hi there, I'm a partner to a very newly diagnosed chap and can see where you're both coming from. I'm so over the moon that my fella has something that makes sense - all of the challenges, resulting insecurities etc and the change for me is great - he's been sending me some lists - 50 things about ADD, lists of tools to try etc because yes, it can be frustrating all round and I do find myself shouting at him and then feeling terrible.
I agree with the comments about re-reading the info - or maybe finding a talk group together to get that info in another way - and spend some time working together on the tools and communication that might make some small things easier - things like a fridge whiteboard for simple achievables like 'things we need - milk' small things need doing - put up smoke detector...
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Post by Kathymel on Jun 13, 2013 12:41:12 GMT
I agree with the comments about re-reading the info - or maybe finding a talk group together to get that info in another way - and spend some time working together on the tools and communication that might make some small things easier - things like a fridge whiteboard for simple achievables like 'things we need - milk' small things need doing - put up smoke detector... Actually, yes, that would be a good strategy. Would she be willing to meet other partners or to read the partner's threads on this forum? There's nothing like comparing frustrations with people in similar circumstances to help with understanding - and you get to let off steam among people who sympathise.
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Post by dizzydee on Jun 13, 2013 13:19:30 GMT
I understand how you feel john,
my husband still gets really cross with me, he just thinks I'm rude!!
If my husband wants to talk to me he has to turn the telly off or be ignored, and I always feel guilty when he has to drive me for an hour to see a psych for 20 minutes.
I think petra has put it perfectly with her advice, time aside for a proper chat
Dxx
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2013 17:54:41 GMT
Typical man answer Mike - not helpful Right, Petra! NTers do not understand and WILL NEVER be able to relate to ADD. <--- my humble opinion*. You can tell them all you like and point them to all the articles in the world and they might nod, smile and acknowledge your problem when they are calm and feeling content but when shit hits the fan, ignorance reigns supreme and you are just another normal whingey person who isn't being particularly helpful... unless I am the only one who's experienced this? No doubt your wife loves you but I heard a phrase the other day which went something like 'when a man has a child, he is no longer the most important person in his wife's life...' or similar. Your wife probably has too many of her own stress angles to give any consideration to your plight right now and if there was ever justification for not being attentive to one's husband, a child with special needs is probably it. *Although I think women often return to their emotive/empathetic states quickly once not stressed. Which helps us She will probably come round at some point when this charity thing calms down or your son gets whatever help she is pursuing but from now and until then, I would make a special effort to make sure *something* keeps going right. It's mentioned lots on here but carrying either a small notebook or a smart phone around with you can help massively. Or even a watch with multiple alarms. Find a simple system and exploit it to your own benefit. I use google calendar. It allows me to write things into it on a nice keyboard/PC and they synchronise to my mobile automagically so I don't have to mess around trying to enter things directly on the phone which I find INTENSELY frustrating. I also use a (A5?) pocket book thing and I write all sorts in it. WITH THESE POWERS COMBINED, I AM CAPTAIN PLANET!Best of luck
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2013 18:27:19 GMT
Right!! The battle of the super heroes is on!!It is up to Jon then wether he does it yourrrrr waaaaaay or myyyyyy waaaaaay!!!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2013 0:28:15 GMT
(My way is the right way)
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Post by jonmdavies on Jun 14, 2013 14:37:21 GMT
Thanks everyone - great set of responses. I'm going to try a combination of the solutions. Up until now when I've forgotten something and she's had a moan up I've snapped back or gone with sarcasm which hasn't helped. Knowing my wife as I do, I need to utilise the tools a lot more than I am. Second, when I miss something, which I will, I'll initially take the hit, then, when things have calmed down revisit them calmly.
I like the idea of groups as we've found with my son that talking to other special needs parents is a help. Right now though she's not going to go for it so I'm going on the hunt for some more information;.
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Post by jan on Jun 14, 2013 17:29:36 GMT
very diplomatic jon you sure you got A.D.H.D.? So its : MICHAEL 1 PETRA 1 - - - - - - -ITS A DRAW good luck with your son and the funding x - shit no qoute in the box !!! here we go again
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2013 17:54:52 GMT
Hmmm, not sure how I feel about drawing.
I think I need to get a SW avatar, don't think I am projecting a fierce enough image. It's just if I can be bothered...
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2013 22:08:47 GMT
Up until now when I've forgotten something and she's had a moan up I've snapped back or gone with sarcasm which hasn't helped. Same here. Feels like a cool get out clause at the time but in hindsight I think every such remark chips away at the relationship. Sounds like you've got it under control though
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Post by li0nberries on Jun 20, 2013 22:00:13 GMT
Ha! I love this thread , only just found it. Going to have to add my two pence worth, even if its too late . Jon, use ur over thinking side and play the game. Most people respond well to honest flattery, focus on picking up on the slightest thing she does that shows she has some understanding of adhd or that looks like she might and praise her to the hilt, let her know how lucky you feel to have someone that cares and sneak in there a bit about sometimes ur head tells you she's not interested in understanding, which makes u feel shite but when she does/accepts/doesn't go off on one about ........, then you realise she is trying and you feel very lucky to have her. Mike, ur a tough relationship cookie I recon , got a feeling there's not much genuine praise could be heaped your way that wouldn't get " I know, " and a smile back
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2013 17:49:51 GMT
Mike, ur a tough relationship cookie I recon , got a feeling there's not much genuine praise could be heaped your way that wouldn't get " I know, " and a smile back "You smell nice, darling!" "I know."
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Post by Wavey75 on Dec 30, 2013 12:38:57 GMT
As a newly diagnosed ADHD adult, I am also struggling with my wife and her understanding of my condition.
I too think that wives and partners will never understand, as Mike says.
I think the problem for most is that we are fairly intelligent and many of us mistakingly relate stupidity with mental issues and so intelligence must the opposite - in other words how can you have a mental health disorder and be intelligent?
This is the common mis-conception that everyone makes about many mental health disorders and issues, I did it myself when I was told I also demonstrated some symptoms of Autism, I told the Psychologist he was mistaken, I couldn’t have autism at all because I’m at university doing a degree.
I don’t think this attitude is ever going to change either.
For my wife and I, although I am newly diagnosed, I’ve told her for the past 18 months that I do have ADHD, long before my diagnosis (wether she believed me or not was not clear).
But we are both receiving DLA - me for physical injuries to my hip and knee and her for fibromyalgia and other issues. So we are both at home daily depending on each other.
We talk and communicate more than she would prefer. she’s not one for communicating and the kids take after her in that department. Many rows and arguments have resulted from a simple miscommunication between each other.
I don’t think setting time aside to talk is going to be helpful, the goes for counselling - unless your relationship needs these suggestions regardless of the ADHD/ADD.
For any relationship, you both need to find something that makes you both happy, something you can both do together to share some good times and some fun, from go-karting or eating out, to sorbing and clay pigeon shooting or archery - whatever you both find interesting and fun!
this will help you both to strengthen the relationship and the support, patience with one another and all the positives in a healthy relationship will come naturally. Try a bunch of flowers now and again - just because, not because of the date.
It’s just my opinion, but if it works for you pass it along!
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Post by Fairy13 on Dec 30, 2013 13:17:57 GMT
WITH THESE POWERS COMBINED, I AM CAPTAIN PLANET! Captain Planet?! Gonna take pollution down to zero? THAT Captain Planet??
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2013 14:08:29 GMT
. I think the problem for most is that we are fairly intelligent I'm pretty sure this isn't the case. The brighter, more expressive, types are more visible. Whatever level of smart you are ADHD will impact your life badly - the smarter ones write about it better.
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Post by Wavey75 on Dec 30, 2013 19:36:09 GMT
. I think the problem for most is that we are fairly intelligent I'm pretty sure this isn't the case. The brighter, more expressive, types are more visible. Whatever level of smart you are ADHD will impact your life badly - the smarter ones write about it better. What I mean is that ADHD is an invisible disability, it's generally hard to tell unless you know that person. hope this clears it up for you.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2013 19:56:39 GMT
WITH THESE POWERS COMBINED, I AM CAPTAIN PLANET! Captain Planet?! Gonna take pollution down to zero? THAT Captain Planet?? OF COHWSE FACKING OF COHWSE! Name that one
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2013 20:04:57 GMT
As a newly diagnosed ADHD adult, I am also struggling with my wife and her understanding of my condition. I too think that wives and partners will never understand, as Mike says. I think the problem for most is that we are fairly intelligent and many of us mistakingly relate stupidity with mental issues and so intelligence must the opposite - in other words how can you have a mental health disorder and be intelligent? This is the common mis-conception that everyone makes about many mental health disorders and issues, I did it myself when I was told I also demonstrated some symptoms of Autism, I told the Psychologist he was mistaken, I couldn’t have autism at all because I’m at university doing a degree. I don’t think this attitude is ever going to change either. For my wife and I, although I am newly diagnosed, I’ve told her for the past 18 months that I do have ADHD, long before my diagnosis (wether she believed me or not was not clear). But we are both receiving DLA - me for physical injuries to my hip and knee and her for fibromyalgia and other issues. So we are both at home daily depending on each other. We talk and communicate more than she would prefer. she’s not one for communicating and the kids take after her in that department. Many rows and arguments have resulted from a simple miscommunication between each other. I don’t think setting time aside to talk is going to be helpful, the goes for counselling - unless your relationship needs these suggestions regardless of the ADHD/ADD. For any relationship, you both need to find something that makes you both happy, something you can both do together to share some good times and some fun, from go-karting or eating out, to sorbing and clay pigeon shooting or archery - whatever you both find interesting and fun! this will help you both to strengthen the relationship and the support, patience with one another and all the positives in a healthy relationship will come naturally. Try a bunch of flowers now and again - just because, not because of the date. It’s just my opinion, but if it works for you pass it along! I would say you've got it particularly tough if she has fm too. People are generally even less understanding when they are having difficulties themselves. The only people who understand ADHD are those that have it or have lived within a very short radius of it all their lives. This is why trying to get diagnosed by anyone other than an ADHD specialist is generally a waste of time, IMHO. I think you've got it nailed there. Either both heavily invested in one 'thing' or one partner who has the chameleon-like ability to properly throw themselves into something and love it; can't beat 'em then join 'em type thing
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2013 20:31:52 GMT
I think the problem for most is that we are fairly intelligent and many of us mistakingly relate stupidity with mental issues and so intelligence must the opposite - in other words how can you have a mental health disorder and be intelligent? Sorry, don't agree with this. I think we'll be in the same general IQ spectrum as the NT population but hindered in varying degrees by performance in executive function In that sense, and if you cover all aspects of observable and measurable intelligence including the emotional variety, for a like-for-like measurable base IQ and compared to our NT cousins, we suffer from a disability. That's how I see it.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2013 21:03:07 GMT
I think the problem for most is that we are fairly intelligent and many of us mistakingly relate stupidity with mental issues and so intelligence must the opposite - in other words how can you have a mental health disorder and be intelligent? Sorry, don't agree with this. I think we'll be in the same IQ spectrum as the NT population but with the added hindrance (again in its own spectrum of severity) of not been able to turn any innate ability and knowledge into appropriate executive functioning as easily as NTs do. In that sense, and if you cover all aspects of observable and measurable intelligence including the emotional variety, for a like-for-like measurable IQ and compared to our NT cousins, we have a disability. Sorry that's how I see it. Hold the bus IQ is a measurement that involves logic. It is a test that NTs can excel at. My ex is a 155er but could she understand the nuances of ADHD? Could she fuck! ADHDers (and this is completely my opinion based on ME) employ rationale - NOT logic. People have always told me, 'WOW Michael, you are so LOGICAL' and for ages I just kinda accepted it. I didn't know any different. Truth is, I am the least logical person I know. Every decision I make is based on gut, the whispers of anecdotes and clawing information from several sources to form a picture. I am a Critical Thinker - and the same is probably true for most of us if we give ourselves the chance. We reach the conclusions others won't. Who cares if it's novelty driven because our lives are empty? It's one of the few benefits of ADHD and I enjoy it So, when you hear people throwing around IQ scores perhaps take them with a pinch of salt because I have a distinctly average IQ and almost zero sense of 'logic' but I am at least as good as my peers and perhaps even a bit better in some areas. Mind you, I work in IT. My gran could probably do my job I question how you could compare us to NTs unless you are trying to 'normalise' a spectrum of ability which, IMHO, does not work in our favour nor does it truly reflect the value we can bring.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2013 21:22:09 GMT
Hi @michael.
I too don't give a stuff about IQ, but I do despair when people think we're somehow gifted - even when, like you, there are aspects to the condition I might "enjoy".
I'm only using measurable "IQ" as a convenient starting point of comparison between NTs and ADHDers. I don't think we're any more or less intelligent by virtue of being ADHD for a given sample of people - something the OP seems to suggest. However, our executive functioning is impaired by varying degrees of disability.
In the past, I've alluded to the notion that being comorbid with anxiety and depression can be insightful, but I don't think that has anything to do with IQ, it's about mood disorders enabling an often more truthful and realistic view of an often very distorted world that the NT population, for some reason, seems able to more readily accept.
Of course it's more complex than this, but the crux being, I don't think we're any more or less intelligent than our NT counterparts when it comes to standardized testing. It's just that we have some debilitating issues and auras of interest that separate us.
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Post by Wavey75 on Dec 30, 2013 21:43:52 GMT
IQ is not a true measure of intelligence. link
My point was that ADHD is invisible to the common man or woman. I was illustrating that in a relationship where one of you has a mental health disorder, to the other it seems you are no different. To the passer-by, you don't seem to be impaired in anyway, etc. I have always been told I am a logical thinker, which is something I had assumed was because of my ADHD, but I now know this is not the case. I took some tests online earlier today to discover my learning style, which I pretty much knew to be visual-tactile. I've worked in IT for many years until it became too difficult and so I am now a student doing a part time degree in ICT. I didn't set out to offend anyone with by earlier posts, it was a simple observation. I'm glad you pointed out we both have difficulties Mike - I'd forgotten, which sort of proves my earlier point
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2013 22:28:30 GMT
How come? As you know, IT is an isolating career that many of us fall into because we get a buzz from solving the problems. The issue I have encountered is that, once you've ironed out all the creases, there's not a huge amount left for you to do. The alternative is, you meet with huge resistance because of your of 'let's clean up this mess of shit' mentality because it makes the incumbents look bad. Contractors don't have this problem I suppose but without being certed like a general or having awesome networking skills, you aint getting a sniff of those contracts either. Planned properly, i.e. working for any firm that is larger than a specific size, means problems are few and far between. You end up looking at everything to the nth degree to satiate 'the hunger' to meet yet more resistance because... there's no business case to implement your new fangled way of doing things There's exceptions to every rule of course but part of me questions whether IT is a good idea, for me, long term. I've no idea what the answer is but I just have this feeling there's something which might be better for many of us
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2013 22:34:48 GMT
IQ is not a true measure of intelligence. link
Nice. I loved the NT quip.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2013 22:58:53 GMT
You state, "I think the problem for most is that we [ADHDers] are fairly intelligent". I'm not offended by this, I just don't agree with it as it stands. It purports to the notion that in the main ADHDers belong to a potentially narrow if not arbitrary and undefinable spectrum of "fairly intelligent" people. But if your point is, "they [those that define us, the elite etc] can't pull the wool over our eyes because there are some of us who can compete in the relevant and corresponding academic world they dictate from", then I agree.
From the limited research I've done so far, my view is that we belong to the same measurable intelligence spectrum as NTs but have varying degrees of more severe executive function impairment than they do (if they have any at all according to the developmental limitations of a "perfect" or non-dysfunctional frontal lobe system).
Never said it was, and I agree with you - although one opinion from an academic, even if we agree with them, does not prove a point. IQ tests are perhaps just current mechanisms at our disposal that enable us to form rather blunt comparisons in the absence of any other protocols. See above
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