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Post by wiserabbit on Aug 11, 2013 13:11:33 GMT
Hello! Newbie here! My husband is currently trying to persuade our GP to refer him for assessment - he fits most of the criteria for inattentive ADHD as per NICE. He and I have regular arguments over his mobile phone usage. He constantly has the thing glued to his hand - he can't resist it, be it a flash game or some random "news" site and it drives me insane. On the rare occasions he remembers that housework is a thing that we both have to do, he'll wander into the kitchen and then take up to an hour to wash up, purely because he keeps getting distracted by his phone, or spends ages deciding which podcast to listen to. He'll then complain that washing up takes ages and his whole evenings gone, when I would have finished in 15 minutes. He'll pull it out half way through an important conversation to "check dates" or "find some informtion" and then ten minutes later I'll realise he's forgotten the conversation and is reading SlashDot. A few times I've asked him to try giving up his phone for a day a week. I've been asking for "tech-free Sundays" for example when my computer, sewing machine (I'm a self employed costumier) and his smartphone and laptop stay off. My hope is that we can spend proper time together as a family - my two year old is becoming obsessed with mobile phones too and I'm worried a bad example is being set. Whenever I ask though he gets super defensive over it and as aggro as I've ever seen him. Then I found this article: www.adhdmarriage.com/content/get-control-electronics-they-ruin-your-relationshipIt seems to describe things so well! Thing is, he keeps telling me I'm overreacting and we've had the argument so many times I wonder if he's right and I am being a nag. Can anyone advise?
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Post by Kathymel on Aug 11, 2013 14:27:06 GMT
I completely sympathise with you. Both my son and I are ADHD and we both spend far too much time on the internet. I try to get it under control now and then by turning off the router for a couple of hours, so he emerges from his room for some family time. This all goes out the window if I'm hyper-focused on something on the web, myself. Luckily (in some ways), we don't get a phone signal where we live so if I turn off the router, he can't resort to his phone. Don't really know what to suggest for that one, but a day off a week seems to be a reasonable compromise. The fact that he is so resistant seems to indicate that it might be a very good idea. Alternatively, perhaps you could secretly install a phone signal jammer in your house?
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Post by jan on Aug 11, 2013 14:57:15 GMT
you sly old fox kathymel there seems to be a lot of posts from partners of adhder's at moment - all female i don't understand it - probably why I've been single for so long i just can't understand women putting up with men that are so childlike and unreasonable i'd have his arse straight out the door!!!! love him or not!!! (or get him to buy a dish washer - been my saving grace for years )
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Post by Kathymel on Aug 11, 2013 15:00:41 GMT
(or get him to buy a dish washer - been my saving grace for years ) I tell my dishwasher I love it regularly. Occasionally, I stroke it, too.
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Post by wiserabbit on Aug 11, 2013 15:51:58 GMT
Thanks Kathymel! I must admit I've noticed that alot of the spouses/partners are female too. Is there a predeliction for ADHD amongst males? (Remeber - newbie who knows nothing!) Janev - My last partner was abusive; my husband is the epitome of reason in comparison!!! I could also go on my feminist rant tm!!!!! I'm a bit of a history buff, and one thing I find very interesting is reading through historic women's magazines. My collection ranges from 1898, through to modern day. I find the problem pages of particular interest. I've got agony aunt columns about dealing with husbands with shell-shock through to how to deal with domineering husbands. One that interests me in particular is a one I have from 1968 where a woman is talking about the behavioural traits of a man who now, would be diagnosed as OCD. Despite the fact he is what I would consider abusive she is told to just accept is as "a mans's little ways. Some men drink too much, some gamble and some go out with other women. Your husband just nags and you should see it as such". I was gobsmacked! Maybe there is some sort of societal conditioning left over that means we are still more likely to accept that sort of behaviour??? Sorry - I know that's a total tangent! As a historian and someone who has suffered from mental health issue (long term depression and a mild mood disorder) I find it fascinating! If you want to "ping" me on Facebook, my name is Abigail Parr - I've posted a photo of the page I just mentioned there. Woah - now there was a tangent!!! I'm lucky in that my husband has doesn't have the temper outbursts a lot of people have mentioned (in fact - he's often emotionally detatched). I'm hoping if I show him the article he'll take it on board!!!
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Post by jan on Aug 11, 2013 17:56:25 GMT
that's really interesting I did my degree in womens studies (ridiculous title I know - basically study all different disciplines from a (range of ) feminist perspectives it was so interesting and empowering at the time. (1990) unfortunately due to my adhd (which I didn't know I had then ) and mental health problems I never got to finish it. I have lived with 3 abusive partners over years - stayed with first one for 5 years , 2nd 3 years and last one 13 months so got better at getting out of those kind of relationships as I got older and just don't bother at all now. I will ping you on face book once I work out how to do it I am complete technophobe and only learned how to do e mails in the past 6 months or so hope my post didn't offend you - I know its hard when you love someone - I've been on my own so long now I tend to forget what that's like. hope you can gather info on here to help you both work things out jan xx
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Post by wiserabbit on Aug 11, 2013 18:11:28 GMT
No offence at all! We should geek at each other about feminist history at some point!
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Post by Kathymel on Aug 11, 2013 20:47:04 GMT
If I might derail the thread for a moment ... could you recommend some beginner's reading matter for women's studies, either of you? I am doing my dissertation on women's studies as relates to Deaf women (degree is Deaf Studies) and haven't get round to doing any reading yet!
Got to have my outline in by mid-Sept. Really should have started doing something by now!
Kx
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Post by wiserabbit on Aug 11, 2013 20:56:52 GMT
Hmm, not sure I have anything in that particular area. Most of my studies are around emancipation and changing society in connection with war so are centred around the first half of the 20th C.
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Post by jan on Aug 11, 2013 21:58:28 GMT
hi kath could direct you to some great books - but not sure if they what you need as nothing about deaf women imparticular - but if you want just general stuff: Simone De Beauvoir The Second Sex and Sexual politics kate millett is a good start - and her novel The looney Bin Trip (autobiography) is excellent (and disturbing) sweet freedom Anna Coote and Beatrix Campbell used to be a classic- may be bit outdated now but has probably been revised Knowing Women Feminism and Knowledge Helen Crowley 1st yr text book (she was my tutor) Defining Women - social institutions and gender divisions Linda Mcdowell - think was 2nd year text book Feminist Political Theory - an introduction Valerie Bryson but I may be out of date now as my course was years (decades) ago one that would probably definitely be helpful - Researching Women's Lives from a Femenist Perspective : provides a forum for understanding the 'dynamics' of doing research which is grounded in the day to day tasks of ongoing research practice. This volume is an invaluable practical resource for students and researchers in sociology, social policy and gender/women's studies. and Doing Feminist Research Helen Roberts examples of research undertaken by sociologists who have been influenced by feminism personally I find them all really interesting whether your reading them just for interest or for your degree.
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Post by Kathymel on Aug 11, 2013 22:20:17 GMT
Jan, thank you so much! You are a complete star! I'm sure the books that were considered classics then are still a good place to start now.
As for research about Deaf women in particular, my lecturer and I don't think there is a great deal around so I'll be sort of extrapolating from the more general info alongside the more general Deaf info and trying to draw conclusions from that.
I have no excuse for not getting started, then ...
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Post by fuzzywuzzy on Aug 11, 2013 22:31:53 GMT
I have lived with 3 abusive partners over years - stayed with first one for 5 years , 2nd 3 years and last one 13 months so got better at getting out of those kind of relationships as I got older and just don't bother at all now. Hello lovely ladies, sorry to go off at a tangent , but I really identified with that Jan.....mine weren't abusive relationships, but like you, I feel that although I was still a bit slow , alright a lot slow I did get quicker and quicker at realising that I wasn't going to put up with any nonsense......5 years, then 4, then 2...... now I don't even give speed daters a whole minute! Maybe I've got too good P.s. I really do feel in the presence of such awesomely clever ladies... X
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2013 22:40:21 GMT
Good luck
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Post by fuzzywuzzy on Aug 11, 2013 22:44:54 GMT
wiserabbit, I do apologise forgot to welcome you aboard x
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Post by JJ on Aug 11, 2013 23:20:17 GMT
If I might derail the thread for a moment ... could you recommend some beginner's reading matter for women's studies, either of you? I am doing my dissertation on women's studies as relates to Deaf women (degree is Deaf Studies) and haven't get round to doing any reading yet! Got to have my outline in by mid-Sept. Really should have started doing something by now! Kx I took Women's Studies as a module in my degree too - simone de Beauvoir (second sex) was essential to quote somewhere whatever you were writing about - and also have the 'feminist political theory ' book jan mentioned. Naomi wolf is a contemporary feminist writer (really good reading as well anyway - her book 'misconceptions' about childbirth / new motherhood really resonated with me just after my first) - our recommended book at uni was 'Fire with Fire'. Last one recommended was Susan Faludi 'backlash' - she's contemporary but I can't remember anything else... Hi Wiserabbit x fwiw, I think he's being v unreasonable - tech-free Sunday is a good idea and moreover, it's not an over the top request. Adhd is just not an excuse to do what you want / when you want with no regard for anyone else's feelings - and it's not a get out clause for not engaging in and building a family life.... Yes, if he is adhd then he probably will be more attached to his phone than others - but all yr asking for is a day for family time - really, no one's going to die or explode with no phone for a day. I don't think you're being a nag and I don't think you're being unreasonable - not for you anyway but especially not for your child - what you've suggested is something v positive for your child. Adhd people need more accountability, not less - so perhaps you should put your foot down more strongly about this - all the while there's a question mark over how serious you are about / how important this is to you, the boundaries will be pushed - if a line is drawn (and enforced) we're more likely to toe the line. I wish you well xxxx
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2013 23:57:32 GMT
Your logical brain has deduced if you take away his toys he will spend more time with you; nay, he will WANT to spend more time with you and not just 'around' you. It might work. It might also invoke intense frustration and your net gain of 'quality time' may be less, overall. Alternatives? Dunno really. Just try to bear in mind that every time you submit a 'change request' he may lose a little bit more respect for you. Meds will help but they might be several months away. Perhaps get into the stuff he's into? Figure out stuff before he does or present him with a challenge you can both work on?
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Post by JJ on Aug 12, 2013 0:27:06 GMT
Your logical brain has deduced if you take away his toys he will spend more time with you; nay, he will WANT to spend more time with you and not just 'around' you. It might work. It might also invoke intense frustration and your net gain of 'quality time' may be less, overall. Alternatives? Dunno really. Just try to bear in mind that every time you submit a 'change request' he may lose a little bit more respect for you. Meds will help but they might be several months away. Perhaps get into the stuff he's into? Figure out stuff before he does or present him with a challenge you can both work on? Don't understand what yr saying re 1st paragraph - do u mean that taking phone away will mean she has to have 'an event' or something planned to compensate? Really just guessing here .... Re losing respect thing - again, just don't get at all what u mean.... Really interested to hear from yr perspective Michael - being a man and all - , I am just completely baffled??
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2013 1:20:33 GMT
The problem isn't the smartphone... for either of them. She wants a husband who shows her some attention once a blue moon and he can't remember where he put his keys or his phone or anything else that requires more than 8 seconds of sustained attention. The title may as well be 'how do I make my inattentive husband more attentive?' and we're all sitting here nodding in agreement that her request is sound! You do not make demands of an ADHDer unless you enjoy rebellion with the thinnest veneer of compliance - see 'dishes' comment in OP. Playing with the phone (or whatever else) is a compulsion/affliction/addiction. You can force him to put it down briefly by extolling tales of NT woe but long term, you may need a better strategy Respect is something that gets lost when your loved one claims to understand your plight but continues to try and shape you around her NT beliefs. It gets old, fast. Does that clear it up a bit, JJ? I've typed this reply twice now (phone) as internet had a spaz the first time so apologies if this one comes across a little terse!
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Post by jan on Aug 13, 2013 20:58:26 GMT
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Post by JJ on Aug 13, 2013 21:32:49 GMT
Thank you Michael I now understand what you meant and I think you've got the overall picture spot on....and as far as answers / information regarding adhd are concerned (which was the whole point of course) your points are the most valid and accurate.... I looked at a small part (tech free Sundays) and was fixated on that, whereas you're right, it's not the actual problem... Hmmm, I feel v uncomfortable now that I didn't actually allow that much for adhd and how it actually makes you....
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Post by jan on Aug 13, 2013 22:13:36 GMT
oooooo don't feel uncomfortable xx you were looking at it from a female angle that's all ( I think - I may be wrong )
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Post by JJ on Aug 13, 2013 22:35:29 GMT
oooooo don't feel uncomfortable xx you were looking at it from a female angle that's all ( I think - I may be wrong ) Thank you Jan xxx Yes, I was - but without the adhd slant at the same time.... May just leave the forum in shame and start a Daily Mail column I do this a bit at work too - get fixated on something and completely oblivious to even a possibility of another stance ... Always makes me v uncomfortable - after it's explained to me it all seems so obvious..... It's always to do with 'getting people or situations' (as opposed to something abstract) - so the empathy factor (or lack of) is why it makes me feel uncomfortable.... Tho guess that I'm open to being wrong and can understand once it's explained might be enough for the Daily Mail to shun me - so maybe hope for me yet
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Post by jan on Aug 13, 2013 22:50:31 GMT
oooooo don't feel uncomfortable xx you were looking at it from a female angle that's all ( I think - I may be wrong ) I do this a bit at work too - get fixated on something and completely oblivious to even a possibility of another stance ... that's adhd in a nut shell in it xx
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2013 23:30:19 GMT
Thank you Michael Glad I could help someone as knowledgeable as you
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Post by wiserabbit on Aug 14, 2013 15:02:15 GMT
Michael; I'm not sure what NT means?
In fairness, I only want him to put it down one day a week and I'm not trying to force him to comply with my world view.
It is kind of interesting to read your point of view though - my logical brain, you are quite right, I seem entirely reasonable, and you're right in that I can't have any conception of how his brain is working. I find it kind of bizarre that he would lose respect for me for standing up for my own rights to be treated like a fellow human being. They way you phrase it, it almost seems as you think I'm the one being selfish?
I kind of think to say I'm wanting "attention" is the wrong word - "engagement" is a better one. I don't want to feel quite so lonely in my marriage. At the end of the day, I'm his wife, not his staff!
Surely relationships work on a balance?
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kardrath
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Post by kardrath on Aug 14, 2013 19:23:03 GMT
Wiserabbit's husband here.
She's been suggesting this idea for quite a while and I've been incredibly defensive and angry about her even suggesting it.
Since the possibility that I might have ADD has occurred to us I've reassessed those emotions. Do I actually need the phone? No. Will the world end if I don't get my fix of news/facebook/games? No. What if someone is trying to get hold of me urgently? I can always just divert my phone to the land line. At worst it's a minor inconvenience and she's agreed that we'll still have our phones if we're going somewhere where we could get separated and need to get in touch.
It may not be ADD that makes me so tense at the idea of giving up my phone, but the feelings are similar to the ones I get at work when I'm being pushed to put together a project plan or finish off a task. Regardless of the reason, the fact that I get such an strong emotional reaction without any logical reasoning to back it up tells me that the problem is with my reaction rather than with the suggestion itself. If I could come up with a good argument as to why I need to be able to fiddle with the phone every day of the week then I'd be sticking to my guns, but as it is the phone's going in a box on Sundays for at least a few weeks.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2013 19:38:01 GMT
I'm really sorry but I am just unable to concentrate enough to follow conversations on here atm, so can't add anything. Just want to say I think it's fantastic kardrath that you've come on here and posted - really. I wish more people's partners had the strength of character and concern to do so.
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Post by JJ on Aug 14, 2013 21:06:58 GMT
Hi Wiserabbit and kardrath Firstly I want to echo what Petra said NT means neurotypical - so people who are wired up more normally.... K - I think you've actually highlighted the underlying thing re yr strong reaction - the phone request hits the same feelings button activated at work (and no doubt in other areas of your life) - it represents all the adhd difficult things. W - he's distracted and all the other adhd symptoms - all of which can be v difficult to live with - and you probably carry the burden of organisation, making sure stuff is done when it should be etc etc - and he can't stay focussed long enough for you to feel appreciated. The phone is a big distraction so it represents all the other issues as well. K - you should look round this forum more - if you do have adhd then you will almost certainly be bowled over by how many things you think / feel and do are shared by many others - and things you thought were just you will turn out to be because of adhd. Sometimes these revelations are comforting - other times they're plain uncomfortable.... You'll also see that constantly on the net here there and everywhere is very very adhd ! W - what Michael meant by respect is more easily understood I think if you use an example of physical disability - if you were a wheelchair user but K got regularly frustrated at you for not being able to do stuff that able bodied people can do easily, after a while you'd lose respect for his assurances that he understood you couldn't do anything about it - because his words and actions wouldn't tally. (I think that's what he meant) Adhd is just as real as a physical disability - but sooo difficult to understand how someone can't just get on and get something finished for example. If its any consolation, I get frustrated with my son when he's late for everything or disorganised or gets distracted and doesn't finish what he's doing - I have adhd and am worse than him - but I still feel frustrated at him sometimes - wrong as that is.... W and K - it's really good that you're both trying to find out more about this. W I recommend Russell Barkley - Understanding Adult ADHD - K - if you can't get down to reading this then he has 3 one hour lectures on You Tube (might be a link on here on the web site board) Good luck with everything and keep coming back xx
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kardrath
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Post by kardrath on Aug 20, 2013 13:50:53 GMT
Quick update. We tried going tech-less last Sunday and I spent the entire day reaching for my pocket and wondering what to do to fill the gaps between things.
Although I did feel resentful it also made me very concious of how much time I spend reaching for it and essentially spinning my mental wheels without getting anywhere.
The world didn't end and nothing earth shattering had happened in the 24 hours I was without Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus and email so we're doing the same again this week.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2013 14:19:04 GMT
It might help if wiserabbit gives up something for you too - perhaps on the same day. If the onus rests solely on you to change where is the long term incentive? You're also more likely to be empathetic if you know she is 'suffering' in some way too and not just as a side effect of you being you
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