saz1676
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Post by saz1676 on Nov 24, 2013 14:46:33 GMT
I have been with my partner just over 4 months he is 24 and I am 35, when I first met him things where amazing he was loving affectionate and great fun to be around, he was open and honest from the start telling me he had been sectioned and that he had a really bad temper etc I am just finding out quite how bad things can be. He has been going to his doctor since the age of 13 with various things however nothing has been done it has taken a verbal outburst at his doctor which got him struck off and a referral by myself for a psych assessment to get where we are now which is where his new GP has told us he thinks that my partner has ADHD and split personality. He has a psych assessment beginning of December but after much reading about these things I can now see why he came to this conclusion. Although I have only been with my partner a short while I am not going to let him down and have promised I won't give up on him but I am really struggling to find the best way of dealing with his mood swings and temper, he has punched holes in walls and doors, smashed my things and damaged my car and is so hurtful when he gets in one of his rages. If I choose to walk away he damages my things and will send me abusive txts but if I stay it escalates more as although I try to remain calm this is not always possible especially when he is breaking things infront of your face or laughing at me and calling me a baby if I cry. Am I best to show no emotion? I know I will have to find a coping mechanism as I'm not going to walk away, so any ideas would be good?? And can anyone tell me if after his official diagnosis will medication help in the outbursts becoming less frequent???
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Post by DKL - darkknightslover on Nov 24, 2013 16:01:26 GMT
If he is indeed ADHD, medication might help, as anger and outbursts apparently do give enough stimulation to basically self-medicate for the brain chemicals ADHDers have the problems with. Your other half does sound like a very complicated case and I very loudly clap your GP for even considering this interesting combination.
The best outcome is that he gets the correct diagnosis and treatment. It might well be a long road. Until then, if you're truly going to stay with him, you need to find a way to communicate with all of his personalities/moods. If you can't you might want to try contacting relate which is a couple's counselling charity/service. We can't give any form of definite hope, but we can be here for you to offer listening ears and empathies for you, and for him if he wishes to join in too.
Sent from my C6603 using proboards
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Post by JJ on Nov 24, 2013 18:32:34 GMT
I sympathise with your partner's psychiatric problems and hope he can get some proper help. Adhd does affect mood and temper and meds may make a difference to this.
However, in my opinion, what you're describing is an abusive, disrespectful and unhealthy relationship: one where you will almost certainly end up psychologically and likely possibly physically scarred. You speak of such extreme behaviour after only 4 months together; I shudder to think of a year or more down the line, or where children are involved.
Violence, damaging your belongings, threats, name calling and abusive texts etc are not diagnostic traits for adhd, and, even if they were, it doesn't make them acceptable, excuse them and certainly doesn't mean anyone has to stay and put up with them. Your saying that his reaction to your obvious distress at his smashing your things elicits his derision, scorn and minimisation, instead of horror at the effect he's having on someone he presumably claims to love, sends chills down my spine.
Regardless of his mental health problems and any direct consequences they might have on his behaviour, you have a right to be treated with respect and a right to be safe.
He has to deal with his things, which could well be medication but will almost certainly also require dedicated therapy and I'd guess some analysis and introspection about an abusive childhood - my point being that it's highly unlikely that a couple of pills a day are going to be a magic wand. But, in my opinion, you need to explore things about yourself, in a professional counselling setting, because something, somewhere, has led you to frame this kind of behaviour as acceptable or part and parcel of a relationship - and it's not either of those, even if one partner has adhd.
I hope you're not offended, that wasn't my intention. Sometimes we can get ourselves completely entwined and immersed and we completely lose sight of everything else and standards of normality.... I've done it myself, which is why I've been forthright here. Xx
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2013 19:56:23 GMT
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CodependencyCodependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another.[1] It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[2] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[2] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.[2] Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.
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Post by Kathymel on Nov 24, 2013 20:45:30 GMT
I agree with everything that JJ said and Michael's post about co-dependency is something you really need to think about.
Whether your partner has ADHD is neither here nor there when looked at through the lens of his other disordered and entirely unacceptable behaviour.
Walk away now before it gets to the point where it is impossible to do so. To not do so is to risk finding yourself years down the line having wasted years of your life in an abusive relationship which will have stripped your confidence, damaged your psyche and seen off all your friends. Those relationships start like this. Do not have children with this man.
You owe him nothing.
It is not your job to fix him.
I know that is massively harsh. It is, however, offered with the best of intentions and with hope.
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Post by grim on Nov 24, 2013 21:05:54 GMT
You owe him nothing. It is not your job to fix him. Precisely! What you describe sounds like the behaviour of a manipulative bully hiding behind "mental health issues". If it's like this at only 4 months in what is it going to be like after 1 year,or 2 or more? What about when punching doors and walls gets boring,what will he be punching then? I know i sound harsh,and i will not apologise for that.You are in a potentially very dangerous situation,which you need to evaluate without letting emotion cloud your judgement. From your post alone i am concerned for your welfare.
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saz1676
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Post by saz1676 on Nov 25, 2013 4:07:46 GMT
Thankyou all for your input so far, I guess at times I am excusing his behaviour because of the problems he is facing, he has had a number of things that have happened in his past alongside all that I have described here including being abused by two teenage girls as a child. All I can say is that although I love this man that if things do not change some what once he has an official diagnosis and treatment then I will indeed walk away with my head held high knowing that I have tried my best for him. His mum says he has been like this in all his relationships and would not blame me for walking away, he is not allowed to get away with the things he has done within my house and I have told him that if it happens again I am walking away, he always apologises afterwards once he has calmed down and will always put things right as in fix what he has damaged afterwards I'm not sure what the process of diagnosis and treatment will bring however rest assured I will not settle long term for someone that emotionally and verbally abuses me as a long term partner nor will I tolerate any physical abuse. I myself am a stronger person than he gives me credit for as an ex serving soldier I am without a doubt a strong character and will only put up with so much. Where I am at the moment is I will deal with and do what I can to help and support him through this process but if he is unwilling to help himself at the same time then I know that it's not just his mental health issues that are causing his extreme behaviours and that will then be my cue to leave. As I am new to dealing with adhd in adults I guess I am in territory unknown and just wondered if this behaviour was somewhat normal. I'm guessing by responses that it is not. It seems to me that my man has a lot to go through and his gp has told him that the path we are going down is going to be a long one and that as things come out he is going to hate himself at times when he realises how bad he has been towards people. His mum has also stated that he has been exactly the same with her and has said and done some awful things and when he has one of these episodes it puts her in bed for a few days afterwards because of the stress of it. I hope for him and all involved that the process of diagnosis and treatment will help and that I will be able to be involved as his partner so that he can ultimately realise what he is like to live and be in a relationship with. This is not 24/7 that he is like this however it has become more frequent hence why I am looking for clarity so that I can make an informed choice of how best to deal with the future. xx
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Post by JJ on Nov 25, 2013 11:16:43 GMT
I won't keep going on at you, but I am compelled to say this -
Men like that go for strong women - there's no challenge or sense of power to be had in breaking down an already weak woman.
You say you don't let him get away with things - and yet you have implicitly accepted his behaviour by still being there - after the 1st time, the second, the third and so on. Actions are very much louder than words - which is why you telling him you won't put up with it (yet staying) and him saying sorry (yet doing it again) means nothing in terms of any change and how this relationship will inevitably progress.
You say it's more frequent now but it's not 24/7. It's more frequent now because you're 4 months down the line. Men don't tend to beat up women or smash their belongings on their first date - it doesn't tend to get them the second date. What they do is gradually increase their unacceptable behaviour over time. And they're always charming, lovely, apologetic, loving etc in the interim - that's what keeps the women there and makes them think there's a chance still.
If you do nothing else as a result of posting here, look at the 'women's aid' website or somewhere else that describes domestic abuse - you'll see him in there - look here for your clarity and informed choices...... and think about counselling for yourself - look at the reasons why you want to pursue a relationship with someone who treats you and his mother at least like this.
Xxx
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Post by Kathymel on Nov 25, 2013 11:55:12 GMT
I also am compelled to post once more.
The first time he abused you and you didn't walk away, he knew he was on to a winner, the second confirmed it and so on ...
No one with a proper level of self-respect would allow another person to treat them like this, therefore, he knows you have low self-esteem and he will use this to his advantage.
ADHD medication can improve concentration and reduce mood swings and, by reducing the frustrations of every day life, it can reduce how angry some people get. It is not a cure for abusive, controlling, bullying and threatening behaviour because these aren't symptoms of ADHD.
Hoping that a diagnosis will magically make this man better is asking for the moon. Are you prepared to put up with up to two years or more of this abuse to find out if you are right? That's how long it has taken many people to get their diagnoses. And that's not including the time taken to titrate meds (repeatedly, if the first doesn't work). 25% of people do not respond to meds and for the ones that do, it is not a cure - it merely helps a bit with some of the symptoms.
It makes me very sad that you are excusing his behaviour and using his excuses to do so. I really don't believe anything we say on here will make any difference to you continuing this relationship.
Many people with ADHD have a 'helping people' thing, myself included and, in the past, I have allowed myself to get too involved. These days I realise only you can make the decision to change your circumstances, so if you are going to continue to excuse him, I will excuse myself from this conversation. I sincerely wish you all the best. x
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becks
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Post by becks on Dec 6, 2013 22:07:32 GMT
Hi there,
Please read the discussion under Spouses & Partners titled 'ADHD Tempers'.
I posted this about 4 months into my current relationship with my 22 year old ADHD partner. I can't help but notice startling similarities between our posts and I empathise with you deeply. When my partner first explained she had ADHD, I wanted to help in EVERY way I can. I read as much material as possible and became a lot more passive that I am naturally.
Now, I find myself being taken for granted and manipulated almost every day. It's difficult because when things are good, they're very good and I'm reminded of all her good points. Unfortunately, this is not the reality. I don't want to generalise at all but I too was hopeful I could make a difference.. I also have the respect and understanding of her mum. However, I have changed. To be brutally honest, my resolve has been chipped away almost every day into this relationship. I have lost so much confidence, self-esteem and control since we got together.. And I find myself backing down to appease her. Despite being sensitive and compassionate, I am made of stern stuff and managed to get through tough things in my youth which shaped me. However, I have never held my partner accountable for my issues the way she does with me.
I implore you to keep an open mind on this. I'd hate to see someone follow the same path I did/am with an abusive ADHDer. Though it might be a bit daft me giving you advice from within the fire, I'm still living it now and it hasn't got easier. For me and for us, the anger issues have only got worse. I was recently punched the other day and I am twice the size of partner. As her mum says, she's stuck in her ways and I truly understand that now. Unfortunately for me, love hasn't ran it's course yet.
I've gone from hardly ever crying or feeling down to it becoming a regular, unhealthy feeling, and I'm also belittled and mocked in the same way you described.
Always around if you want to chat.
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becks
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Post by becks on Dec 6, 2013 22:19:01 GMT
Just to be clear, I don't think my partner's abusive or bullying side is a direct correlation to ADHD. As Kathymel mentioned, it's an additional problem to address. I know/read that moodswings are a given with most ADHDers, however, the nasty undertone is not.
My partner also had a difficult childhood, but so have other people and they have managed it much better. As harsh as that sounds, you're not accountable nor do you deserve to be his punchbag.
Good luck.
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Post by Wavey75 on Dec 30, 2013 12:07:50 GMT
I have ADHD and a problem with anger (which is the biggest under statement I could make!) but I know the difference between right and wrong... and your partner is knowingly doing wrong, from an ADHD point of view.
The split personality side of things can get complicated, i.e. the side of him that cannot distinguish from right or wrong. If this is the case or not the help he needs is beyond any support you can offer and so it really does boil down to weather or not you wish to put up with his crap.
Personally, I wouldn't - I'd get out now and that's the advice I am offering to you - pack your bags and don't look back, you'll be the one in hospital soon if you stay IMHO.
Wavey75
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