becks
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Post by becks on Dec 6, 2013 21:35:43 GMT
Good evening, all. I once posted on this forum about 4-5 months ago at my wit's end and was inundated with advice and support from a bunch of lovely people. Though I haven't posted in a very long time, I always check in and read posts as it sooths my anxiety and pains in my current relationship. I particularly found Hope's recent post about her partner extremely encouraging. For those that don't know, I posted the original ADHD Tempers thread, and am still with my ADHD partner of 9 months. Unfortunately, not a lot has changed for us so I find myself asking for help of people in similar positions to my partner and I...or at least to people of an understanding nature. Since my post, I now understand my partner's anger problems are not directly down to her ADHD. In fact, we've gone from strength to strength in that area of our lives. To help her, we write daily lists... Anything from shopping lists to job lists and it really helps. I even find her forgetfulness endearing and a cute little character flaw I can now appreciate when she's tired, or when she's 100mph and give her the room or space she needs. Unfortunately, the anger on her part still hasn't subsided. Since my original post, we got a place together and I live with her most nights of the week as I work a good few miles away. Due to unforseen circumstances, we had to make a quick decision and she was really excited to move in together. Along with this, she suggested I started sharing her main hobby with her which I was a little apprehensive about... And then to also relocate workwise. Anyway, initially, we settled in really quickly and fell in love with our little home. Soon and sure enough, we fell back into the routinely relationship finishing and I was being binned every three days. I read Hope's story a couple of days ago and have so much admiration for working through life with her relationship and doing so well too. Ideally, I'd like to emulate her and her partner's dedication and committed ethos to working my relationship out. After reverting back to the drawing board for the 89th time, my partner has taken on board my pain about being dumped every three days.. However, ignores me instead which can go on for hours. I've found that if I make a mistake and apologise, I'm held to ransom with this - is this a characteristic of ADHD? I make a point to accept her apologies (very rare) and whatever's happened, to try and make light in order to move on from it. I believe our relationship problems are more linked to her anger issues, not so much ADHD anymore - though I wonder if anyone can familiarise themselves with this situation..? We had a particularly nasty fight the other day when she hit me a few times and proceeded to blame me for causing it. As she had a particularly difficult childhood, I know a lot stems from this, however, I draw the line at being a now physical as well as emotional punchbag. I've suggested anger management, counselling and am met with 'I don't need help, I've been told what to do all my life' and 'if you need counselling, you shouldn't be with someone'. I do happen to love her, and whilst I'm no shrinking violet, I do know I don't deserve this. As I mentioned in my initial post, I feel that everyone deserves a break in life and having ADHD shouldn't act as a restraint when it comes to love...though I get the recurring feeling that you can't help someone who doesn't want to help their self. I've tried to reason and I've waited until her moods subside, however, I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse. I think my friends think I'm mad but ideally, I'd like to stay with this girl and bring out the best of her. Yours in despair... Becks
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Post by JJ on Dec 6, 2013 23:33:58 GMT
Becks, this is not a healthy relationship, it's not getting better and you are in danger.
While you are very welcome to come here for some support, your relationship problems are not down to adhd. Your partner has severe anger issues aside from others, she is abusive and abusing you and you are being damaged - emotionally and now physically.
I know the stats and the media are all about men abusing women but don't let this blind you to your reality. Abuse can happen in every relationship and can be at the hands of a woman - towards another or towards a man. It's not ok to punch you, it's not ok to treat you in all the ways you describe. It's not even a bit ok, or ok sometimes or ok because....
You say she no longer dumps you every couple of days but then describe how she remains in the house, but emotionally dumps you instead by ignoring you. This is not an improvement - you don't feel better....
You can't change your behaviour to make another person treat you better. It doesn't work and you've just spent the last 9 months enduring the fact that it doesn't work.
She is responsible for her own behaviour and only she can change that. You've had 89 times at the drawing board - to no effect - so there must be something in what I'm saying. You are not responsible for her reactions and yet she has made you believe you are in some way. Similarly, you can't heal her damage - and it won't mend anything in you even if you could.
Your post to saz1676 says so much about what you know to be true and yet haven't yet managed to act upon. As do your telling sentences peppered throughout this post: "flogging a dead horse" , "you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves" "despair", "pain" "anxiety" "emotional punchbag" - people in healthy relationships don't use these words like this....
I know how hard it is to leave, I'm absolutely not minimising the emotional effect a relationship like this can have on the abused partner - but you must be quite clear that this relationship is only going to break you down more and more - figuratively and literally. She didn't used to hit you and now she does. She didn't used to punch you and now she does. What's going to happen when she's bored with punching and there's an implement to hand?
Where are your needs or happiness in all this?
I urge you to go and get some counselling for yourself because you need to find the strength somewhere to get out before you are damaged even more; and you need to examine your own life and thoughts that have led you to believe this kind of treatment is in any way acceptable for you or what you deserve. This isn't love that you have for her, it's a broken part of you that's trying to feel whole through being part of a couple and through trying to mend someone.
I'm being direct and blunt Becks, because I am concerned about what you've written. I don't know you or your exact life though - but your friends do - listen to them - friends don't tell you you're mad to be in a relationship for no reason.... If you do nothing else, forget about adhd, read about abusive relationships and go and sort out some counselling for yourself (without telling your partner). This is not an adventure 9 months on, it's a nightmare and you need to do what you can to try and find the strength to wake up from it....
Come back here if you need support xxx
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2013 1:40:29 GMT
I think JJ nailed it there really. I do have a few thoughts though which may or may not help. Prolly the latter! A few of us joke that 'NTs will never understand' and unfortunately, you are a shining example of this. The relationship you find yourself in is akin to two jigsaw pieces from two different jigsaws puzzles, desperately trying to be wedged together in unison. In my opinion, it *could* work between an ADHDer and an NT but it would take (from the ADHDer) enormous self awareness, maturity and the desire to watch the relationship flower. The last part, is the hardest to acquire of all, I suspect, because it takes a level of personal security and knowledge to get to that point; I'm thinking Maslow's hierarchy of needs. You come across as a caring/determined/intelligent person. Do you believe you're worthy of a caring/loving partner? Do you deserve this? Is this all you're good for? You might have justified the continuation under the guise of helping her. It would be amazing if we could fix people with the knowledge we have acquired or the experiences we have had to suffer, wouldn't it? Advice we didn't ask for is like cold water being thrown over us from a bucket and if you have ADHD, I suspect the reaction for most is even more severe. If do you decide to stick it out though, keep posting and I'm sure us helpful/annoying lot will try and pitch in with some ideas for you
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Post by shapes on Dec 7, 2013 7:36:56 GMT
I don't think it is a good idea to remain in such a relationship. I don't think the emotional and physical abuse has anything to do with ADHD. A one off heated argument over something small followed by an apology might be ADHD. I feel very guilty if I've overstepped the mark and made somebody upset.
It sounds like she has other issues that are causing her to be this way.
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becks
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Post by becks on Dec 24, 2013 17:23:08 GMT
Hi, lovely bunch of people So almost three weeks since my last post, I felt it might be worthwhile to post again - hopefully to soothe the soul more than anything. As most people in my very first post (and associated threads) noted, this relationship was heading one way with my mental health being at great risk. In this post '...9 months on', my mental health was still being tested and as people rightly predicted, my self-esteem and confidence was chipped away to such a degree, I began to question my ADHDer and her fidelity. At the start of this relationship, I was positive and resolute with seldom anything to disrupt my mental stability. Alas...here I am. Despite being told I'm over-paranoid, etc. I challenged my ADHDer over something I found on a social networking site at the start of last weekend. The conversation initially went quite well but then turned into a full argument. Now, it might be worth pointing out that from the date of my original post to this event, my ADHD had been on best behaviour after another 'final' type of discussion. Maybe I was wrong and admittedly, my method of approach wasn't the best (and I probably should have relegated such thoughts to Room 101..) however, I made dinner and apologised with the intent to talk everything through and address my newfound anxiety. This was greeted by being told she wanted me out of our flat, no relationship and she was no longer in love with me. However, I was still expected to spend Christmas Day (her birthday) with her and her family. I left the next morning with a box of my things and we didn't speak. Two days later, I get a message through filled with regret...and short of the long, I offered an ultimatum. It's her birthday very soon and went out for drinks with friends today. She wanted to apologise so I proposed that she should visit me at my now address 90 miles and I'd hear her out. She said she was unable to afford this until she was paid in a fortnight's time. I had already planned on visiting our flat today to pick up some things I needed (unbeknown to her) and she said she would however, cancel her plans in order to speak to me if I could drive up and see her..so with my pre-planned intentions in mind, I obliged. On the journey up, I receive a message asking if I would go out with her and her friends as they wanted to meet me. A little background, my ADHDer likes to keep her life separate as detailed in the original post so depsite us dating and cohabiting for nearly 10 months, we're all yet to formally meet. After I politely declined and asked her what planet she was on, things went from bad to worse. I arrived to a wall of silence so went about my business as intended. Before leaving asked if she had anything she wanted to say, to which a reply of "I think you've said everything there is to say" ensues. With this, I confirm the meter readings with the gas and electric suppliers and leave - with a few snipes from us both. Considering every argument we ever had since moving in together resulted in transferring tenancy and all bills into her name, she is now refusing to provide me with a date she will be available for estate agent checks on the property and I can't help but feel she's dragging her feet. I'm currently single and doing my best to be resolute, with a small, burning desire to find the person I was at the start of this relationship. As resolute as I felt this morning, I feel a whole lot different right now and whilst she is enjoying her birthday drinks, I'm faced with a reality of heading back to the drawing board to find someone who is willing to compromise and if in tow with baggage, looking to address these issues. With all the advice given to me across my first post to my last post from 'NTs' and ADHDers alike, I think it's safe to say the ADHD was not the cause of anger in our relationship. Despite my very best efforts to assist and help my ADHDer with her baggage, she just wasn't quite ready to address her issues to make our relationship sustainable. What I would really like to do is thank the kind people that took the time to read and particularly those of you who replied to assist my partner and I in our plight for happiness. All the best xxx
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Post by JJ on Dec 25, 2013 1:39:17 GMT
Hi Becks and thanks for coming back to post an update xx
I think it's the right thing for you to be out of this, although it do get it is and will be hard while you adjust and heal.
I still do think you might benefit from some counselling to get over this and look at why you were there in the first place. These kind of relationships take their toll on mental health, having some help to rebuild isn't a bad thing. Xxxxx
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becks
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Post by becks on Dec 25, 2013 9:19:31 GMT
Thanks JJ. It's certainly a possibility despite the sadness and all other usual emotions attached with a break up, I do actually feel relieved. What I've derived since we separated, is that she can do whatever she likes and not care too much about the consequences. I think if ADHD was our only mountain to climb, we'd be in a good place right now, however, there are deeper problems she chooses not to address.. Which is fine, I just can't put myself through the abusive cycles anymore. Merry Christmas to you xxx
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Post by Deleted on Dec 25, 2013 16:35:50 GMT
Best of luck, becks We can be a nightmare to live with. I can tell you from my own experience that it takes exceptional focus to meet the 'every day' demands of an NT in a relationship, trying to stay one step ahead of complacency. I've no doubt the actions of some of us come across as completely selfish and that's because we absolutely are. We can't help it. Maybe it's an excuse but I've personally gone to extreme lengths to try and get around the way I am to fit in. It just doesn't work. Not for me. Not yet. You are definitely made of strong stuff. Thanks for coming back and sharing x
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