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Post by lifeisgood on Dec 31, 2013 12:03:28 GMT
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Post by fuzzywuzzy on Dec 31, 2013 12:34:51 GMT
Hi lifeisgood,
Sorry you're having to go through this....and on the rotten timing
I think some of it is ADHD....he will have been told many, many times that it WAS his fault, even when sometimes it wasn't, or when he couldn't do much to stop that behaviour anyway.....so his default reaction to any criticism is defensive...and yes, he is probably far more sensitive too.....unfortunately that means that you never really have calm, objective conversations about some of the problems and end up going round in circles.....I do think he sounds immature too but since he has never maintained a long term relationship, he has never really learnt real give and take, talking through things etc. without it always being an all or nothing situation and storming out....there is the possibility he may have other comorbids too which really need treatment, maybe over and above the ADHD....
i think you have been very strong and that you have tried very hard to help him and to make it work.....he clearly loves you as you do him.....I think you need to leave it to him to miss you enough to 'ask' to come back....if he comes back with this attitude and hopefully with the passing of time, an open mind, that is your real chance to start the relationship completely anew, only on the understanding that he agrees to talk about things before moving back in together....and into bed...with maybe the possibility of counselling too......I really think you can make it work and make it much better and much stronger x x x
p.s. just wondering what stage he is regarding diagnosis and what his own insight is to his condition
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Post by contrarymary on Dec 31, 2013 12:35:18 GMT
Hi, i have been with my undiagnosed ADHD partner for nearly two years. I am really trying my best to understand his issues, but am currently finding it quite difficult.
During the two years we have been together, he has been verbally abusive, over i must say very petty arguments or misunderstanding. Every time we have a disagreement,he repeats the same thing every time, which i find quite odd really, the words are," its always me," im always to blame""", its always my fault," he ends up saying them over and over again, even though that is not the case, i try reasoning with him, to no avail, .
I dont argue back often as there seems no point, so i just end up really frustrated and often end up crying. At this point, or often even before the tears, he picks up his bag and leaves. I find this really hurtful, he has also walked out on me, leaving me all dressed up ready to go out, and once whilst cooking a meal for us, he just stormed out.
I just dont get it,is this to do with the fact that he thinks i am attacking him when we argue, which means i dont love him. I have read that people with ADHD suffer from Rejection sensitive syndrome. If this syndrome is real, then i suppose his reactions make sense. He often comments that he has been unable to keep a relationship for longer than 2 years, so does my "attacking" him as he persives it, during a normal disagreement, mean i dont care or love him? When he verbally abuses me, there is never any apology, its normally me who has to persue him, i always aplogise for my part in the arguement, but he rarely does, as i really believe he thinks its all my fault.
Another part of him i am trying to understand, is the fact that he has little empathy for me, but seems to have it for others. When i turn to him for advice, regarding something going with my life, i wait for opinions or advise, but he seems unable to give it.Which leaves me feeling that he doesnt care. On the other hand he is loving, he tells me everyday that he loves me, often that i am the love of his life. We generally get on very well, he is very spontanteous, we laugh a lot, but this other side is very difficult for me, i really want to try and make sense of it all
.After a recent disagreement, about somethinig he did whilst away with his mates, which was taking ectascty, i was really upset with him, because of the responsibilites he has in his job, and the fact that i believe that taking drugs with such a disorder is dangerous. He mentioned that i had had a go at him about it 3 times, i replied that i thought we were supposed to getting better at dealing with our probs, he said he thought we were, i replied i dont think we are, which i didnt really mean like that, he then got up and left, telling me it was over, he made no contact for three weeks, and now says he doesnt want to see me at the moment, and its over.
I even asked if our children could meet up, as my kids have missed his son, his reply was he doesnt think this is a good idea at the moment. I realise my negativity probably caused him, to dump me before i dumped him, but my intention was not for us to break up. I really love this guy, can any one give me any suggestions how i can get through to him, that i do love him, and want to be with him.
ThanksHi lifeisgood welcome to the forum. i'm sorry you are having such a difficult time at the moment; it sounds really hard. i'm just re-posting your message in smaller chunks so i can read/understand it, and will reply afterwards. (many of us with adhd can't concentrate/focus on long paragraphs or chunks of text - if you can break it up into smaller bits you'll get more responses more soon contrarymary
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Post by lifeisgood on Dec 31, 2013 13:16:42 GMT
Hi thanks for your reply Fuzzywuzzy, great and advise. Thnak you contrarymary re advise about reposting in smaller chunks, which i have now done.x
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Post by odat on Dec 31, 2013 13:27:32 GMT
I'm sorry you are in this situation lifeisgood. Nothing aggrieves me more than when long suffering female* partners of men with ADHD come on here seeking advice about men who pardon me for my bluntness sound like twats. Can I ask why do you think he has ADHD if he has not yet been diagnosed?
There's no excuse for his disrespectful and abusive behaviour. Yes perhaps a little of this stems from ADHD, and we get things wrong but you are not the one who should be grovelling to him or looking for explanations like the Rejection sensitive disorder! It should be him making amends to you. I'd never even heard of RSD before. This sounds like an awful situation and there's much more to it than his ADHD. I have to wonder why despite all that he's done are you still trying to be with him. It doesn't sound a good environment for you or your sons, nor a good example for them on how to treat women.
Best of luck to you and your sons.
* Female is because it's been females who have sought advice re their abusive male partners. I realise a female ADHD partner could do the same.
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Post by quid pro quo on Dec 31, 2013 13:39:11 GMT
You might want to remove the reference to his extracurricular activities. You may not be as anonymous as you think
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Post by DKL - darkknightslover on Dec 31, 2013 15:17:27 GMT
In terms of his ecstasy use, it sounds like he's done it before. Ecstasy has similar effects to adhd medication, so chances are he might be using it for a reason other than chasing a high. Have you asked him why he takes it? How he feels when he does?
Also do you know much about ADHD? Is he diagnosed with it? A lot of what you're saying of the empathy is what my family say about me. ADHDers are better able to focus on new stuff, so even with friends who you might see more often his brain might be getting more of an "I must pay attention" response than he might with you purely because he has more contact with you.
In terms of other difficulties he might be having, I've heard of people who before finding out about ADHD, thought they had early dementia because the short term memory and prioritising all tasks by importance instead of by order of arrival look quite similar. It might also be worth thinking about his brain working more like a dog or cat's on the distraction front.
Don't hint at anything. If you want something, ask for it directly, and if applicable give a written reminder with when you want it done by included.
If you want to stay together, you need to ask yourself what it is about him that you love. Also try a counseling organisation like Relate, who are a charity that do couple's counselling. It'll give you both a safe place to talk meaningfully about your concerns with a "referee" to ensure fair play. Or that's how I look at it anyway.
Big big hugs, because you're having a tough time.
Sent from my C6603 using proboards
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2013 20:24:58 GMT
He's 40, un-medicated, stressed to fuck, conflict avoidant, trying and failing to manage a relationship, trying to be a good Dad and ultimately, highly resistant to change due to lack of understanding all round. Probably doesn't need an innocent help thread biting him on the ass too... When you're feeling better, read the posts on this subject by the gents on here
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Post by JJ on Jan 1, 2014 3:10:51 GMT
I agree with odatSooo many women come on here with disrespectful partners who are abusive to varying levels and accepting it / looking for an excuse for them because of adhd. But, some men (and women) can be like that with or without adhd.... Yes we ADHDers have short tempers and mood instability - and the RSD is something that resonates with many.... But that doesn't mean abusive and it doesn't mean not apologising and it doesn't mean thinking it's ok to make another person so unhappy.... And, even if it did mean all that, it still doesn't mean you should put up with it - you have a right to be happy and be with a partner who doesn't 'verbally abuse' you... You're not his mother and therefore have no obligation to offer him unconditional love - getting into that territory is a recipe for disaster - partnerships are about just that - partners - equal partners making a life together - not one always bending over backwards to accommodate the other's needs exclusively. And the 'quid pro quo' response - I'm assuming that's him - not the reaction of someone genuinely upset at how the woman they love is feeling because of them.... This sounds all about him, where are your needs and your happiness in all this?
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Post by purplepower on Jan 1, 2014 6:04:52 GMT
Is life really good lifeisgood? This must be an awful situation to live in. Whilst ADHD provides a reason to things we sometimes get wrong as ADHDers, it's never an excuse. There's much more going on here than someone's unmanaged ADHD. If people are trying hard to get things right, they often deserve the benefit of the doubt. I don't see that here at all - for him, not you.
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Post by Wavey75 on Jan 1, 2014 20:46:33 GMT
Hi,
The general consensus does seem to be for you to thank your lucky stars, forget him and move on.
You're out of it clean so now you can find someone without the hassle.
May I suggest march.com for when you really have moved on?
For me personally, the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone, but it doesn't work for everyone.
Good luck!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2014 21:06:10 GMT
I suppose the alternative thinking to that might be... you're attracted to this guy, this sort of guy. What's to stop you from falling into the same 'trap' next time? Perhaps, study the ADHD male somehow. Read the anecdotes here and create a win/win out of this. If nothing else, you'll know what to avoid next time. You'll 'see 'em coming a mile off'
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Post by JJ on Jan 1, 2014 21:36:41 GMT
I suppose the alternative thinking to that might be... you're attracted to this guy, this sort of guy. What's to stop you from falling into the same 'trap' next time? Perhaps, study the ADHD male somehow. Read the anecdotes here and create a win/win out of this. If nothing else, you'll know what to avoid next time. You'll 'see 'em coming a mile off' I don't agree with this I think it's good to look at your reasons for being attracted to / putting up with this kind of behaviour of course, so you can have healthier relationships in the future... But I don't think studying the ADHD male is of any value for knowing what to avoid... Men who treat women badly / abusive partners in general don't come exclusively from the adhd population and adhd males aren't exclusively bad and to be avoided.... I think there's plenty of nice, respectful and non-abusive adhd males.... And plenty of nice, respectful and non-abusive non-adhd males..... The whole point of my post was that the adhd is a red-herring - it's not that it doesn't bring its issues, it does, but it doesn't automatically bring abuse and abusive partners.
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Post by odat on Jan 1, 2014 22:34:35 GMT
So the OP hasn't come back to reply again? She did bother to 'like' the anonymous post who is probably her boyfriend but that's it. Enough said really..............
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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2014 22:37:21 GMT
You're absolutely right but in the absence of knowing where exactly to point the OP, I've suggested, in my best David Attenborough voice, that she studies the mythical ADHD male. For clarity, lifeisgood, read MY old posts because I can relate to your other half completely. A little bit of knowledge can make all the difference and I'd like to believe that I'm not quite as bad as I used to be I believe the surface bullshit you see with ADHD will vanish in the right setting and stay vanished. I believe this because I am this. Rightly or wrongly, I believe this to be different than a non-ADHDer taking the piss out of his loyal girlfriend. I've never done this yet I've been described exactly as you describe your bloke. In my mind, there is a distinct difference between what is effectively bullying and the ADHD male 'fighting for survival' in a relationship of egos and ignorance. Set a thief to catch a thief, perhaps? What you would also need is another woman who's made it work with an ADHDer for any length of time. With pre and post knowledge from two people like this, you could be in a very good position to make a properly informed choice about where to go with this, IMHO. Thanks for clearing that up, JJ
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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2014 22:38:13 GMT
So the OP hasn't come back to reply again? She did bother to 'like' the anonymous post who is probably her boyfriend but that's it. Enough said really.............. I thought it was fairly obvious that was me
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Post by odat on Jan 2, 2014 0:53:49 GMT
So the OP hasn't come back to reply again? She did bother to 'like' the anonymous post who is probably her boyfriend but that's it. Enough said really.............. I thought it was fairly obvious that was me Boy I find you difficult to understand Michael. No, I hadn't realised.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2014 0:55:12 GMT
Feel free to ask away...
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jackat
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Post by jackat on Jan 8, 2014 17:16:27 GMT
Darlin' you cant polish a turd. and u cant help someone who wont help themselves
these are life certainties
ADD/ADHD is not an excuse it is something we all strive to overcome to better ourselves. the point you made about him leaving and not accepting blame when things go south makes me think he has no interest in being a better person.
sorry but i'v got no sympathy for a bastard like that your a gem for caring but i wouldnt waste another minute on him.
just my two cents
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jackat
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Post by jackat on Jan 8, 2014 17:33:58 GMT
ok just read through the whole thread after posting previous post
what hell is going on here!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2014 19:02:57 GMT
It's a disaster of a thread - once posts (especially the OP) start being deleted it's nearly impossible to make sense of them.
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