lovingp
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Post by lovingp on Feb 22, 2014 22:26:06 GMT
Hi other partners, my boyfriend is being arsey again, obviously feeling stressed and biting my head off whenever I speak to him. Glued to his phone reading things that wind him up and insisting on watching a stressful war film right before bed. Is it always going to be like this? Does life ever settle down with an ADHDer? Or is the roller coaster what you're signing up for?
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lovingp
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Post by lovingp on Feb 22, 2014 22:45:22 GMT
Just want to add he is lovely and I adore him, just feeling frustrated and exhausted by the mood swings. Am wondering if it's possible that they can even out over time, we're both working on developing better coping mechanisms but it feels a bit of an uphill struggle with no professional support from anywhere.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2014 11:04:46 GMT
It's always going to be a rollercoaster ride (he will always have ADHD) - whether or not it's enjoyable is down to the parties involved.
Relationships are expected to grow but the divorce rate suggests that a large minority don't.
If an individual isn't striving to make their relationship better then the chances of it working are dependent upon the other party accepting that - most of us find that unreasonable.
ADHDers aren't excused from any of this, we just find it harder to see problems and make adjustments.
I'd love for someone to accept my 'hairy' characteristics and not have to make an effort to make a relationship work. In the real world that's not realistic and if you want to be with somebody then compromise is required.
A diagnosed ADHDer should have enough lucid time to realise that. If they don't work on improving themselves then more fool them.
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Post by Moonburger on Feb 24, 2014 22:36:34 GMT
ADHDers are always going to seek out high stimulation situations/people/films etc; their brains are travelling far faster than ours ever could.....
We can't expect ADHD partners to make all the adjustments, we need to make adjustments. Really try to understand the conceptual differences - because once you really can except that this isn't a choice but a completely different brain at play, you may find it easier.
I know how hard this is - believe me, I know - however, there is also much to be gained but you need to be open to a whole different perspective. It can work.
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Post by DKL - darkknightslover on Feb 25, 2014 11:27:05 GMT
Does your boyfriend receive treatment of any kind for his ADHD? I think it would be worth for the both of you to go to counselling with someone familiar with ADHD. Or at least getting a book on Adult ADHD and marriage. Edward Hallowell is so far my favourite ADHD author, but I haven't yet read his marriage-specific book.
Please do come back for further rants/support/questions.
Sent from my C6603 using proboards
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2014 13:47:27 GMT
This might be useful, includes some insight into a NT versus ADHD partnership - click on the link below (courtesy Sydney Morning Herald): " Loving a Man with ADHD"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2014 18:24:23 GMT
This might be useful, includes some insight into a NT versus ADHD partnership - click on the link below (courtesy Sydney Morning Herald): " Loving a Man with ADHD" That's a good article - light but sensible and well-rounded. I was particularly struck by the point on how the ADHD partner just heard blah blah blah in counselling. I wonder if there is anything in this, on the 'difference between ADHD men and women' theme...arguably, as an ADHD woman, my blah blah blah can be 'worse' than an NT woman's, because it's not just a case of female over-talkativeness (Whaaat? We vocalise more - it's not a criticism!), it's also unfocused, unedited, and possibly over-emotional. So put an ADHD man and an ADHD woman together and you're likely to hit worst case! Oh dear...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2014 18:44:49 GMT
That's not necessarily true - you only hear 'blahblahblah' if you're worn out or have stopped caring.
There are gender differences - classically males are target focused...so remember to give them a target and try to keep them onside by not making it boring/repetitive.
The classic female response (help me out here - male perspective alert!) is to talk around things several times from different angles - not good for someone looking for a clear target.
Completely ready to be shot down here - if you know better don't be shy.
I don't like inconsequential chatter (consequential is fine!) and if you're stressed then you'll have lowered tolerance levels.
Who said this was going to be easy?
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Post by danherts on Feb 25, 2014 19:55:58 GMT
I don't think "hearing 'blah, blah, blah'" is an accurate way to describe it.
When you're living with someone, it's not as though you've gone for a coffee and a chat. Conversation happens spontaneously when something occurs to either of you whilst you may be busy in the middle of doing other things.
And with ADHD - in my case anyway - it may look like I'm sitting there doing nothing some of the time but I could be in the middle of developing a unified theory of physics in my head (Okay, maybe not that) .
If my partner starts telling me that we need to get beans at the shop or something it's not intentional or indicative of finding her boring or anything if at some point in this exciting lack-of-beans fiasco I may accidentally drift back into the somehow more stimulating world of pondering the nature of reality.
Maybe it's a good idea to try and put some time aside specifically to talk as I don't think it's realistic to expect an ADHD partner to be all ears at a moments notice.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2014 0:27:46 GMT
Just want to add he is lovely and I adore him, just feeling frustrated and exhausted by the mood swings. Am wondering if it's possible that they can even out over time, we're both working on developing better coping mechanisms but it feels a bit of an uphill struggle with no professional support from anywhere. I think that if you are both working at learning to live with each other, there's not much more you can ask for. It's impossible to know whether his mood swings will even out. I've lived with someone prone to severe mood swings, and I know that as an ADHDer, I'm prone to them too. In my experience, I think that you can learn to cope with them, see them coming and warn your partner, and also (through mindfulness) learn to avoid them. It all takes effort and commitment and getting help and support would certainly help.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2014 0:34:13 GMT
That's not necessarily true - you only hear 'blahblahblah' if you're worn out or have stopped caring. That's not necessarily true.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2014 0:51:20 GMT
That's not necessarily true - you only hear 'blahblahblah' if you're worn out or have stopped caring. That's not necessarily true. you can hear blah blah blah any time you like if you're in inattention mode. I was talking about being on full alert (eg in councelling)
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