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Post by Little Owl on Jul 28, 2014 9:11:33 GMT
I am reading “The ADHD Effect on Marriage” by Melissa Orlov. This quote struck me hard….
“There are some who feel that men suffer more shame than most women realize, and that women are driven by a fear of abandonment or disconnection. So when a woman expresses dissatisfaction, a man may become defensive or not want to talk about it because he feels shamed by her dissatisfaction. Women who fear disconnection and abandonment often respond to this behaviour by “pursuing” the man than much more.”
I’m a woman with ADHD; my husband non-ADHD. He only has to mention a list of jobs he has completed and I am riddled with shame because I fail to achieve as much as he. Internally I withdraw into myself. The external manifestation of this is that: my face hardens as I hide my shame and my additional shame at having that emotion; and I fail to praise him to the heavens for his fantastic and jolly helpful achievements.
I’m musing on the idea that a woman with ADHD may be as sensitive to shame as a non-ADHD man.
Any thoughts?
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oram
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 39
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Post by oram on Jul 28, 2014 9:36:51 GMT
I've always loved this Jeanette Winterson quote. “What you risk reveals what you value.”
I thinkj it's pretty normal to feel shame, adhd will exacerbate feelings connected to achievements and inadequacy. I'm unsure how much gender can define shame and to what quantities it can be compared. I can see bits of myself in this notion of reciprocation to friends and partners and how it is effected by feelings and actions connected with shame. If that helps? I'm awful at relationships... just can't ever get it to work.
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Post by twix on Jul 28, 2014 14:47:21 GMT
I think that there is a bit of a tendency to assume in books that the adhd person is the man.
Shame has been a real issue for me. I have had to try to remember to be nice to myself, not to compare myself to others without adhd and remember what I have achieved. I also find the wheelchair metaphor helpful-would anyone think it was shameful if a wheelchair user couldn't get upstairs?
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Post by Kindred on Jul 28, 2014 22:08:24 GMT
I'm not sure I understand your comparison between ADHD and non-ADHD people? It's taken me a lifetime to transcend feelings of shame/inadequacy and I'm still not quite there! When I look back, I can see what these feelings have cost me, in relationships, in lost opportunities. Are non-ADHD people the same?
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Post by Little Owl on Jul 31, 2014 15:03:35 GMT
I'm not sure I understand your comparison between ADHD and non-ADHD people? It's taken me a lifetime to transcend feelings of shame/inadequacy and I'm still not quite there! When I look back, I can see what these feelings have cost me, in relationships, in lost opportunities. Are non-ADHD people the same? I think Melissa Orlov was talking about some research within the general population i.e. mainly men and women without ADHD. It is recognised that those with ADHD tend to harbour feelings of shame, presumably beyond "normal" levels. Given this, I was musing whether a woman with ADHD would suffer shame to a similar level to that felt by men in the general population. If so, that could mean that woman with ADHD may be able to empathise with a non-ADHD male parner quite well. If this empathy was there, I wonder whether ADHD counsellors could use this in some way to improve communications. I wish you well with your battle with shame and inadequacy. Hopefully future opportunities will get grabbed rather than lost.
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Post by Little Owl on Jul 31, 2014 15:38:09 GMT
I think that there is a bit of a tendency to assume in books that the adhd person is the man. Shame has been a real issue for me. I have had to try to remember to be nice to myself, not to compare myself to others without adhd and remember what I have achieved. I also find the wheelchair metaphor helpful-would anyone think it was shameful if a wheelchair user couldn't get upstairs? Good metaphor. You are right about the tendency. I'm reading books new books about ADHD relationships. While many quotes are about men with ADHD, the authors make efforts to include examples where the woman is ADHD and swapping genders in their narrative. This is good to see. Since more men than women are diagnosed with ADHD, it maybe there are more examples around where the man has ADHD and his female partner does not.
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