dina1
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 7
|
Post by dina1 on Oct 11, 2014 6:28:39 GMT
Hi, I have been with my partner for some time and have begun to notice a pattern of addiction from his past but more recently a gambling addiction, this is really concerning me because I am worried if we have children one day he won't be able to stop gambling and it will affect our finances. I don't know what to do to help or encourage him to stop. He doesn't have many friends but does regularly go to the gym and does work but the high street where we live is full of betting shops and of course there is online gambling so temptation is always there.
Has anyone experienced this and know of any hints and tips?
Thanks Dina
|
|
|
Post by Subzero on Oct 11, 2014 14:47:16 GMT
I've never been a 'gambler' but I've had a few addictions so this may or may not help. For me, the only thing that kills an addiction... is a better addiction Some would argue we need some addictions and trying to rid them is likely to meet with an unwelcome response. In many ways they can be coping strategies. You might be able to introduce other ways of gambling which are less of a hit on the pocket? Online poker, might be one? Can play 1p/2p blinds or even for fake money. Facebook poker kept me going for months! All this aside; whether it's money or time he's committing to his addictions, they will always exist in some form. Embrace them or play whack-a-mole with them forever. Whatever you decide, figure it out and then go all in because your happiness probably depends on it.
|
|
mc1250
Member's posted somewhat
Posts: 71
|
Post by mc1250 on Oct 19, 2014 20:48:38 GMT
Hi, I have been with my partner for some time and have begun to notice a pattern of addiction from his past but more recently a gambling addiction, this is really concerning me because I am worried if we have children one day he won't be able to stop gambling and it will affect our finances. I don't know what to do to help or encourage him to stop. He doesn't have many friends but does regularly go to the gym and does work but the high street where we live is full of betting shops and of course there is online gambling so temptation is always there. Has anyone experienced this and know of any hints and tips? Thanks Dina Hi Dina Yes i have, massively! Put it this way i'm almost 40, i've been in full time work for the last 18 years and don't have a 'pot to p*** in'! Throw in 2 kids and you can understand how much of a problem it is and how i've really F'd up and still continue to! The only reason i have a roof over my head is because i live with my mum! Anyway my point is if you really do believe there's an issue then you need to confront it or end up in a situation like mine. Have you searched online for things like 'ADHD and problem Gambling' because you'll find there's a major link there mainly due to the impulsiveness that we suffer from. Now the thing is if i abstain from it completely then i'm ok, but as soon as i dip my toe in then the flood gates open and i gamble till everything is gone and only then do i realize what i've done. All the good intentions to not gamble go out the window once i've gone back in and lost it all. The most destructive thing is online because you can just transfer funds and unlimited funds at that! Try to speak to him and see how he reacts. Give him examples of people and why it'll be worse for him coz of his adhd. If he does admit to it then take control of all finances without treating him like a kid (although that is what is needed). Don't tell him to cut it out completely as that may cause resentment just try agree a figure which won't affect the finances an go from there. Good luck with it all.
|
|
dina1
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 7
|
Post by dina1 on Oct 19, 2014 21:25:14 GMT
Thank you both for your comments. I really don't know what to do. He said he wouldn't gamble but then a had to drag him out of a betting shop it is tiring and exhausting and I worry about the future. Do I really need to treat him like a child? At the moment we live in my flat but we are looking to buy a place together and I don't want him to be spending money he doesn't have.
|
|
mc1250
Member's posted somewhat
Posts: 71
|
Post by mc1250 on Oct 20, 2014 19:42:31 GMT
Well if he isn't going to control it himself which sounds unlikely then yes you may have to treat him like a child without making him feel he's being treated like one.
The thing that made me stop for long periods was when i tallied up how much i'd lost and i could then see how bad it was, self realization and shame did curtail it a bit. So try sit down with him and workout how much he's wasting and see if that has an affect.
But what i'm going to do now as i know i can't stop even with best of intentions, is to put the money out of my reach. putting as much money i can in my wifes hands where i have no access to it. Until such point where i can actually say i'm in control of it. As thats the only thing that can stop me from losing everything like in the past So if you can take control then please do.
Best of luck
|
|
dina1
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 7
|
Post by dina1 on Oct 21, 2014 21:00:16 GMT
Thanks again, it is quite interesting when we met after some time he asked for my bank details to get his wages paid into and I would get his money out for him and give it to him on a weekly basis. I had no idea at the time why he would want me to do this and I was quite uncomfortable with it so I told him to get it paid into his own bank. In hindsight he probably asked because he was worried about spending it all. It is such a shame because he saved quite a bit of money and has now lost it all.
Thanks again for the advice...we will see what happens.
|
|
|
Post by JJ on Oct 22, 2014 11:55:47 GMT
Be careful dina1, a gambling addiction can be very powerful.... And, like all addictions, it'll always be there as a weakness having to be actively controlled or lurking in the background waiting to be reactivated. I know someone who had a gambling addiction. He lost tons of money, and his house. That was a rock bottom and he stopped. After a few years, believing it was a thing in the past, his long term girlfriend finally took the plunge and moved in with him. Only a month or so later, he was feeling some extra responsibility (of them living together, raising a family, settling down) and happened to read an advert for a gambling site and that was all it took for the addiction to spring to life again. She found out purely by chance and, within the space of a couple of weeks, it transpired that he'd lost over £40,000. This represented 2-3 times his annual earnings. He lost so much so quickly because that advert was for spread betting on the internet. This type of betting makes the potential wins and inevitable losses much much bigger. He borrowed money from his parents and yet still continued to gamble - though even more secretively. She couldn't live like that, with the threat of repossession, or bailiffs, huge debts, unpredictability etc. He lost his home (again) and his partner and child. Even after that, he still racked up further gambling debts. The above notwithstanding, there's nothing extraordinary about him, he's a nice guy, has a job, is a caring father, would help anyone out etc etc - my point being that it can so easily happen, I don't believe there's anything special about him that you could see was why he went that far. I know not everyone goes as far as him, but gambling can be a powerful addiction, and you just don't know how it will pan out for him. And the point is that it'll always be the third 'person' in your relationship and it will always have the casting vote and the potential to turn your life upside down.
|
|
dina1
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 7
|
Post by dina1 on Oct 22, 2014 18:25:01 GMT
Hi JJ, Thanks and I completely see what you are saying so far, he has never gambled to the point he has needed to be bailed out. In m experience in the relationship gambling is a sub factor of addiction . There always seems to be an addiction that manifests itself somehow, one month it is video games, another month it is gambling so for me what is the actual issue addiction or gambling? Or both? I guess my question is are you saying that there is no hope and it is not worth being with someone like that? Or is the point you are making just to be aware? Thanks
|
|
|
Post by JJ on Oct 22, 2014 19:17:11 GMT
Hi JJ, Thanks and I completely see what you are saying so far, he has never gambled to the point he has needed to be bailed out. In m experience in the relationship gambling is a sub factor of addiction . There always seems to be an addiction that manifests itself somehow, one month it is video games, another month it is gambling so for me what is the actual issue addiction or gambling? Or both? I guess my question is are you saying that there is no hope and it is not worth being with someone like that? Or is the point you are making just to be aware? Thanks I agree with you (and the other posts) that there's addiction and it could and does manifest itself in various ways - gambling being just one. The guy I'm talking about is like that too. I think the point with gambling though is that it has the potential for so much damage in a short space of time. If you drink too much for a couple of weeks or have a coke fest or barely sleep completing Call of Duty it's unlikely to have repercussions for years and years to come. Paying off a £40,000 debt does. Losing your home does. That's why I think gambling is particularly pernicious. Even all the above for a few months are benign in comparison. The previous time it was a more gradual accumulation of losses over a longer period (maybe 2/3 years), but the upshot was he'd remortgaged his house (and a couple he owned as an investor) a couple of times, borrowed from his parents and maxed his credit cards one by one. I suspect he lost around £150,000 all in all that time. I couldn't say whether there's any point / future for you - I just wanted to make you aware. Having seen what I've seen personally, if I met anyone who said they gambled, I'd run a mile and if I was with someone already who started gambling, it'd be a deal breaker.... Xxx
|
|
dina1
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 7
|
Post by dina1 on Oct 22, 2014 23:20:39 GMT
Ah I see! And I guess we all have to make choices as to what are the deal breakers, thanks for the watch out . I am aware and know what it could mean having seen something similar and how it ended hence the reason why I raised it here. I was looking for hints and tips but from what I have read it is more around damage limitation . I love him and I guess in terms of what I need and ask for in the relationship, if I raise something he always comes up trumps so I will continue to try to be supportive and see what happens.
Thanks again xx
|
|
|
Post by JJ on Oct 23, 2014 10:22:47 GMT
Absolutely, no one can make choices for you or tell you what to do - we've all got our own individual deal breakers Also, maybe if he gets adhd meds, this may make him less likely to pursue addictive behaviours....? Anyway, I wish you well and hope it all works out for you xx
|
|