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Post by Julia on Apr 25, 2015 17:38:36 GMT
I discovered this forum after another fight I had with my boyfriend today. He is my first boyfriend and the start of our relationship was far from ideal. We would argue over things that to me seemed legitimate to argue about when he was thinking I was just being annoying; like not answering to my texts or not text me for days when we couldn't see each other or when I was upset when he would tell me he doesn't need to see me every day. Then one day he told me he had ADD very casually so I did some research and realised that our many fights were probably the result of that as every time I would be shocked by the sudden and violent verbal reaction (aggressive tone, rise in voice, interrupting) to a small complaint. It also explained why he would always lose everything and be absent-minded.
For the past three weeks, our relationship was much better as he had an important deadline and needed my support. I dropped everything to be there for him (including all my university work that is due in two weeks) and tried to make his life easier before that deadline that was so important to him. He was kind to me and much calmer. We weren't arguing as much and he wasn't as impulsive as usual. Then, after his deadline was over, I told him I was the one who would need support for a week or so as I was really stressed about my university work and just his presence was reassuring to me. There are a few things that he did wrong this week which really hurt me and knocked down my confidence but I don't want to explain that in details.
My point is that I am there for him every time he needs me, he relies on me to know where he has put his keys, phone, ipad etc and I try my best to help him by cleaning his room and putting his stuff away so that he doesn't have to think about it. And also really I don't mind doing it for him, if that makes him less anxious and helps his mind be clearer. However, I feel like now that he doesn't need me there, he is unable to provide me with the support I would need.
This week was just an argument after another whilst he knew I had a lot of studying to do and they were all caused by hurtful things he did. He would then try to fix them but by doing that would do or say something hurtful again and I feel like I'm just trapped in a spiral of fights. When I try to explain to him why I'm upset, he gets angry straight away, raises his voice and speaks aggressively either telling me that he apologised so I shouldn't be upset anymore or by bringing up other things that hurt me and just aggravate the situation like saying 'I need to be free in my relationship' and saying I'm being ridiculous for complaining about the fact he takes three hours to reply to a text, when I try to explain to him that for the entire week he has been upsetting me and I just need to feel like he wants to make things better and be there for me. Whenever I try to calmly and rationally explain to him why I get upset, he suddenly snaps and starts blaming me. Then he calms down, apologises and expects me to forget about the crisis. He often says 'I thought we had sorted it out' twenty minutes after a big argument and I still feel deeply upset. Then he gets mad at me again for still being upset and says he is tired of apologising all the time. So it's never ending.
I love him and I don't see myself without him but I am just very lost and sad as I don't know how to deal with that anger towards me. I also wonder whether I am the one who has a problem? Maybe I have unrealistic expectations of a relationship?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2015 21:46:03 GMT
That's a great description of a relationship with an ADHDer.
Generally we're not much good at communicating (eg I don't feel any obligation to answer the phone or reply to texts).
I'm afraid that you're on a hiding to nothing - he (if he's a typical ADHDer) will not be capable of meeting you halfway - that would be like asking someone in a wheelchair to start walking. That's probably a good image to remember - it's an invisible disability so if you picture him in a wheelchair whenever he's annoying, or failed at what you think is normal, them you're possibly going to get along better.
It will not be fair on you but unless he actively seeks treatment then it's not going to change much. Even if he does get treatment it's not a cure - things would be better more of the time.
If possible it might be useful for you to go along to an ADHD support group (even better if you both went) since you'd be able to see that he's not picking on you and that some of your relationship is with ADHD and not him.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2015 15:28:41 GMT
I have a different perspective than planetdave. Firstly, ADHD is part of who each of us are,but we are not all affected in the same way, and we don't all respond in the same way in relationships. For my part, I recognise some of the traits you mention in the OP. I have a tendency to ignore the phone/forget to reply to texts etc at times, and I can get snappy at times if I am stressed and feeling that "my brain is full". I don't think my diagnosis absolves me from responsibility though and I do my best to be a good friend and to accommodate other people's needs. I set reminders on my phone to check in on important people, and when I get snippy with someone, I try to get myself a break, refocus and then come back ready to apologise and start afresh if the other person is willing. Given that this is your first boyfriend, it is probably hard for you to work out how much of the problems are to do with his ADHD or to do with him just being an inconsiderate jerk sometimes. The key thing I think is that you need to reflect long and hard and decide for yourself if you are happy to carry on like this, if you think it is worth trying to discuss and compromise more, or if you need to get some space from him and to move on with your life. Personally, I wouldn't treat anyone the way that you describe and I wouldn't allow anyone to treat me that way. He sounds entitled, lazy and selfish and I'm sorry to say harsh words but I suspect you deserve a lot better. My favourite relationship phrase is "people treat you how you let them". Don't let anyone take you for a fool.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Apr 26, 2015 16:01:24 GMT
I agree with @pelargonium, but would also like to add that I often pick arguments because I find them more stimulating than small-talk and can get angry really quickly, but also calm down quickly. I think that your boyfriend should take responsibility for his behaviour.
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Post by Babble on Apr 26, 2015 17:24:01 GMT
Uh, so I agree with everyone to some degree. The behavior you describe him as having strikes a chord with me, because I absolutely know where he's coming from. On the other hand, I can see where you're coming from too... and the mixture of those two perspectives is why I've avoided relationships for about 7 years now. Not saying he should or anything! I just really hate hurting people, so I've taken the cowards way out lol.
Anyway, beside the point. Here's what I can offer from my and (maybe) his perspective:
* Thing I've found with ADD (I should mention, I'm not medicated either) is that you spend a lot of time getting things wrong. You forget to do tasks, you lose important objects with annoying frequency, you constantly run the risk of saying something offensive whenever you open your mouth, and you feel like you're wading your way through life with absolutely no clue what the 'rules' are.
Basically, if you're like me, you spend a lot of time apologizing for things even though in reality it's beyond your control. I hate apologizing, just FYI. Even if I don't apologize, I feel bad. Apologizing is like an admission of guilt though - of being in the wrong - which is difficult to do when you don't understand how you're in the wrong to begin with.
* Also, the thing where he expects you to forget about the crisis - for me, I act like that just because my own anger is very fleeting. I don't hold grudges. I constantly live in the moment - mostly because I'm getting hit with so much stimuli all the time, that I don't have room in my head to hold onto things like anger and upset. He could just be struggling to understand why you're holding onto it so much - which is the normal way people function (I assume? I could totally be bullshitting here).
* It sounds like he's quite defensive (which, irrational, I know) which is something I also identify with. I can't even explain why or how it happens - I just know that it's led to me saying very hurtful things to people I love before, and that what I said still haunts me 10 years on. You can speak as calmly and rationally as you like, but just something about it - maybe being in the wrong (again) without having realised it (again), and feeling like you're never good enough and never will be (again, again, again), it leads to anger, and unfortunately the person who has unintentionally provoked those feelings gets the brunt of it.
* The thing where he waits 3 hours to reply to a text? Yup, also get that. I also avoid phonecalls (even from my best friend), block out the rest of the world by listening to music/ watching youtube/ watching films with earbuds in, and sometimes take days to reply (if at all) to facebook messages. Lets not even get started on emails and letters. I would like to emphasize - so, so much - is that this doesn't mean detachment, or lack of affection. It's sheer inability to cope with whatever form of communication at that point in time.
From your perspective:
You sound like a really nice, kind and loving girlfriend, and your boyfriend is extremely lucky to have someone who clearly cares so much. That you're putting the effort in to find out about his disability, and are seeking advice for it gives me a bit of hope.
* I think one thing you could do, is stop doing everything for him. I know, seems counter-productive, and maybe not everyone will agree with me. Your boyfriend must have had coping methods before you came along, otherwise I don't know how else he could have successfully functioned in day-to-day life. I love how you helped him out when he was going through a stressful time, and I'm not saying you should stop doing that. Just with the everyday stuff - don't get to the point where you're doing things that he could do himself, even if it'd take him longer or more effort to do it. It sounds to me like he's being lazy, and if you're always there to pick up the pieces, he's always going to expect you to be there. Does that make sense?
* With the arguing, hurtful comments etc - he needs to learn to walk away from situations before they (and he) get out of hand. Perhaps try doing it yourself? If he starts getting angry, and he's starting to get mean - walk away. Let him cool down and rationalize. Actions speak louder than words, and so maybe he needs to feel that he's done bad, rather than have you telling him. You walking away should show him that.
* Similarly, the way you feel he's not being supportive - I agree with @pelargonium that he could put a lot more effort into checking in with you - perhaps he has yet to figure out how to do this? Are there 'go-to' things that calm you down, or would help you when you're stressed? I often feel like I need guidelines for human interaction. I still struggle to know what to do when the people I care about are stressed/ anxious/ angry/ upset. But I know there are go-to things that are fairly universal. Hugs, for example. Making cups of tea. In the case of my best friend, using a lot of swearwords to describe whoever has upset her, and telling her how awesome she is and how much I love her. Maybe you could hint at some of them, or just blatantly write a list and stick it on the fridge lol.
* I definitely think you should both get support - meeting with a local ADHD group like @planetdave said. It might help the bf cope with his ADD, and give you someone to talk to face-to-face with and get advice from. I know joining this forum and realising that I wasn't alone was a huge, positive step for me, so I hope it'd give you and your bf the same feeling of not-aloneness (is there an actual word for that? I can't think of one right now).
* I agree with @pelargonium too that your happiness is very important in this equation. If the relationship gets too much, or you're constantly feeling sad and alone, or you feel like you have to tip-toe around to avoid him getting angry... that's a pretty good indicator that you need to get yourself out of the situation entirely. I'm not saying you wouldn't make this decision anyway, and I know you love him just... take care of yourself too. His happiness and well-being isn't more important than yours (they are, in fact, mutually important).
I really hope that some of this helps
(Apologies for the essay this turned into. And yes, apologizing again. Low self-esteem and self-doubt ftw.)
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