badgerfox
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 2
|
Post by badgerfox on Oct 24, 2015 15:24:02 GMT
Hello!
Newbie here, been with my gorgeous ADHD partner 6 years (I don't have it myself; I got OCD instead. Yay! It's much nastier than those silly bad tv programmes about handwashing portray it, woo, yeah!) - can I ask you all, how can I be patient when my partner just won't let an issue...drop?
Like, when he becomes emotional (over a household or political debate), after we've discussed it a long while (like hours), I often say like 'We can agree to disagree; it's no big deal to me' or 'Ok, you've convinced me; we'll do it your way'. And I convey that I'd be happy to stop talking about it now. He verbally agrees...then keeps on following me from room to room, pointlessly re-stating some minor point again, because he seems not to think I'm secretly 'properly' happy with the conclusion we've reached yet (no matter what I say!). If I try to stop him, or say I have work needing done so we can't talk about it all day long, I get accused of deliberately trying to deny or bury issues instead of healthily talking about them,
"How can we be finished the argument if I STILL feel bad?!" is his view.
Sometimes I feel like OMG JUST STOP (but I suppose if it’s the ADHD he can’t, can he?)
The worst is in public places. If we have a disagreement in a public place (like a crowded train), I say I am happy to talk about this once we get home (and I mean it), but I can't discuss it right here because it makes me incredibly humiliated to have public arguments (and us OCD types do have big anxieties about things we perceive to be 'incorrect'/'immoral'/'just not right' behaviour). He goes into a silent, red-faced rage at that, toes tapping, arms folded, grinding his teeth, and accuses me of trying to bury an issue and says his ADHD makes him forget emotions so he ‘has’ to talk about problems immediately.
ADHD or not, I refuse to accept a public yelling match. Sorry, no. My OCD can't handle that anxiety and it’s downright abusive to force someone to be publicly shamed. Are ADHD folks able to write down their problem to discuss later (or can I write them down for him)? He's never violent, he has virtually no anger management or impulse control problems in general (his type of ADHD is more a strong inattentiveness/hyperactivity/lack of concentration problem).
The only way I can think of to manage it sometimes is to physically leave the house. I HATE doing this. My parents were in a very abusive relationship, all domestic violence, and they often stormed out slamming the door at each other – I never want to copy them! But my partner Will. Not. Stop. Ranting at me.
Is this normal for ADHD? How can we conclude a disagreement more gently (and without taking four hours...)? Why does this happen?
|
|
|
Post by clubby on Oct 24, 2015 15:50:01 GMT
No idea what your post says coz can't see it yet, but in answer to the title - definitely NO. They are able to drop it.
I can see your post now. I think this is either another issue or a side effect. There are parts of Adhd which appear to be insurmountable but learning to control the emotions is not one of them.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2015 15:55:32 GMT
Not letting things drop is pretty typical.
It does sound like your partner has a bad case and could do with some help to recognise that they're doing it (and how harmful it is).
You're probably right to assign the behaviour to his ADHD - try to think of it as a parasite that lives inside him and it's not him but that which has the annoying behaviours.
|
|
|
Post by clubby on Oct 24, 2015 15:59:50 GMT
@planetdave
I hear what you are saying but I still think emotional control can be improved with practice and mindfulness, whereas other aspects of adhd are hard wired and require coping mechanisms.
|
|
|
Post by clubby on Oct 24, 2015 16:18:34 GMT
"How can we be finished the argument if I STILL feel bad?"
This statement is the key.
He is trying to get rid of the negative emotion and his mind is locked into an obsessional routine which links his happiness to the resolution of the argument.
If he is prone to this, try not to fuel the argument. Try to fill his mind with positive emotion. Not easy I know.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2015 16:57:08 GMT
@planetdave I hear what you are saying but I still think emotional control can be improved with practice and mindfulness, whereas other aspects of adhd are hard wired and require coping mechanisms. I don't think I said it was untreatable/without scope for improvement.
|
|
|
Post by clubby on Oct 24, 2015 17:07:55 GMT
Quite right @planetdave, I agree.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2015 17:42:08 GMT
I think there is huge variation within groups of people with any given diagnosis, and I don't think it is always helpful to blame relationship problems on a discrete condition.
Lots of couples experience problems in resolving conflict, and I think this will have its roots in all sorts of factors, including, as you vividly describe, the way that conflict was managed in your home when you were growing up.
I have ADHD and I would not tolerate a relationship with someone who ranted at me until he was done with his emotional outburst. No way. I also would not allow myself to behave in that way towards others. ADHD is not a licence for abusive behaviour.
I recognise a tendency in myself to over-react emotionally in certain situations, and I know I have a very sharp tongue when under pressure, so I do my best to manage myself appropriately, by taking a step back, going for a walk, reminding myself that my feelings are not facts amd are subject to change if I just give things time, and don't jump in with big boots on every time I feel upset.
I haven't found a way to prevent the feeling of "emotional flooding" that I experience when under stress, and I an not able always to "switch off" my own feelings even when I can see others are done with a situation, but I have learned how to take myself out of the heat of the moment and cool myself down so that others don't have to suffer my personal feelings. And when I realise that I have upset someone because of my own failings, I apologise and try to put things right and not repeat the behaviour.
This is what adults have to learn to do, I think, if we are not to live as islands, or in a perpetual war zone. I learned ways to regulate my emotions in adulthood, because, like you, I grew up in a family that engaged in frequent rows, and I needed to learn to self-regulate in adulthood, so as not to repeat the old patterns. I find meditation is a great help in learning to be more self-aware.
From what you say, your partner seems very focused on his own feelings and his own definition of what constitutes a "healthy" discussion, to the excusion of yours?Where does your health and happiness factor into the equation for him overall, I wonder? Does he understand generally that people are different and that he can't force his own ways onto others, or does he behave like this socially and at work, as well?
Clearly though, you both identify with different conditions and needs and your own ways will factor into this relationship. How have you worked out your relationship together over the last 6 years to date?
Have things recently become worse, or has this problem been brewing for a long while? As a general rule, do you both give and take in roughly equal measure? Are there behaviours on both sides that one or the other puts up with, or does one of you do more putting up than the other?
I'm obviously seeing this as a relationship problem, which may or may not be impacted by his ADHD symptoms, and which can only be resolved by looking at your behaviour on both sides, given that both of you have a part to play in sustaining the situation, whether you mean to or not.
|
|
|
Post by contrarymary on Oct 24, 2015 18:02:45 GMT
i can recognise the need to finish processing the emotions in order to be able to let them go. the struggle or inability to let go can also relate to some aspects of both attention deficit and the autistic spectrum/asperger's. i agree with clubby that mindfulness/meditation really helps, because it increases awareness of the space between the feeling and the action (yes, there is one - honest! - i'm learning!!!) if your partner has something to do that distracts from the intensity or adds some space or enables the processing that might be helpful. at least it's what's helping me could be as simple as a couple of minutes of mindful breathing/centring, going for a walk, listening to music, writing in a journal, writing notes. perhaps you could agree that you'll take 10 minutes out (or whatever seems reasonable/doable) and come back to the issue when it's had some breathing space?
|
|
|
Post by Bee on Oct 27, 2015 2:49:49 GMT
Unfortunately I identify with this.. If my husband and me are having a discussion, if we are having an argument, if he has done something wrong, etc. I will just keep on. I hate it. I really do. If he has forgotten to take a pen from his uniform and washed it with my favourite skirt, thereby ruining my skirt I just can't let it go I find that suddenly my mind becomes crystal clear and I can easily recall every minute thing that he's ever done. And then it starts coming out of my mouth and even as I'm SAYING it my mind is going 'shut up. That's enough. F*cking stop it now' and yet I still keep going and I don't even know why. It's nasty and I wish I wouldn't do it. I feel so bad afterwards because its not his fault he forgot to remove that pen! How many stupid things have I done and he doesn't come down on me like a tonne of bricks.. I feel bad even just admitting I do it. I must say though, I don't react in anger. I don't shout or become violent. I'm just mouthy. I'm sorry
|
|
|
Post by Bee on Oct 27, 2015 3:02:43 GMT
I'm back. I'd like to say that I also remember every dumb thing I've ever done with crystal clarity. I don't just hold things against my husband, I hold things against myself as well. For a LOOOOONG time. I'm not really the forgiving sort I guess!
I don't know why I do it. I wish I wouldn't. I don't know if it comes from low self esteem, or if I'm just simply a bitch. If I knew WHY it happened maybe I could work with it.
I hope your partner will get help. I think you're brilliant to stay with him.
|
|
luddite
Member's not posted much yet
I'm tired and I want to go to bed, but will do housework instead. Yeeaah, definitely housework.
Posts: 21
|
Post by luddite on Dec 29, 2015 11:29:31 GMT
Hello everyone. This sounds very familiar. We've just had another fight and what's described here is almost the same as what we've been doing.
My 3 things I've f**ked up recently: 1. Ordered some firewood. I promised to see if it was good quality and when it arrived I didn't. Paid £200 = and it smelt rotten, it's covered in mud and a lot of it is crap. 2. Promised to help a mate for a day when I'd promised my wife that I'd not do any work over xmas so we could both do some gardening. 3. Said that our veg was in good condition, but it was covered in caterpillars and the leaves were covered in rot. Got an earful from my wife over this, I got angry. 4 days in and we're still discussing my shortcomings, even though I've apologised (but not sincerely apparently), agreed to make changes to make sure it doesn't happen again (not accepted), and have listened to everything she's said (but not enough). Oh hell, this is complicated. I'd better do my own post.
|
|
|
Post by manson88 on Dec 29, 2015 17:41:04 GMT
Answer me a question? Will it matter in 6 months?
It will matter if you let it become between you.
I'm no expert but something that I have learnt is this,
Don't go to bed on an issue like this please!!
This happened to me in my marriage an argument happened something that was said I took it ill, quite hurt..
It wasn't the first time this happened like this but this time I was already depressed. I was in counselling and some of my issues were open and exposed really exposed.
Even weeks before this happened I was struggling with thoughts of self-harming cause I felt I wasn't in control of my life. Cause of her putting me under pressure with something else.
Rather than the issue being resolved by the night it happened and talked out. It rolled into 7 weeks with no oral contact. Cause I was that annoyed with my x. I couldn't speak or found it uneasy to talk to her about things that I just had enough.
It got so big over night in my head that it spilled over into 2 days, then 2 weeks and then almost 2 months. But she didn't try to resolve this issue.
My X then on week 7 decided to ask me "when was I cutting the grass"
She knew I hated the grass as we had a massive garden it took 2hrs to cut!!
I replied grass? Do you not think that there's a lot of other things that need talked about? It's funny now! She just grunted at me and walked away.
During the 7 weeks I had made my mind up through counselling I was leaving. I have had enough!! I couldn't speak to her as she said that anything was said was always twisted to be her fault.
Though if she had not said what she said and things she had said a number of weeks before. I wouldn't be writing this.
The fact is this, she didn't love me. She didn't want to make up even though I may have been hurting she simply didn't care enough to see me happy.
If she had came across that bed that night and comforted me it would've been over! OK it may have been difficult for her to do though it wouldn't have went on for the time it did.
It's just an example of reasons why we should talk more, listen more to each other's issues... Love more after the issue is over!! ..
Love is made in the bedroom!! You don't miss the water in the well until it's gone!!
|
|