hj
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Post by hj on Dec 21, 2015 22:46:20 GMT
Hi, I have been married to someone for ten years who has ADD. Diagnosed as a child in the US he moved here when we got married and has been unable to get meds as the GP said they can't prescribe for adults with ADD without a diagnosis here and the nearest place to do that was London. So he was prescribed antidepressants to counter the overwhelming feelings of not being able to get things done, which made him so apathetic to everything he only stayed on them 3 months and CBT, which he was discharged after 3 sessions as he knew all the answers and coping strategies so she wasn't sure what to do.... ten years and now 100 pounds heavier, having battled with food addiction and self medicating with Alcohol, I don't really know where to turn. He won't go back to the DR ...should I go for him and plead the situation? Or is there no point. Are there any anti depressants that others have found helpful for ADD? i feel like a fraud...on the outside we look like a great family, both hold down good jobs and 2 beautiful children, but at home it's a constant battle field and control zone - I can never do enough around the house or do it right. He has an office that I am pretty much banned from...I know he doesn't mean to make me feel that way...I can see the sinking feeling he gets when he wished he didn't have to cope with the feelings. I feel bad for him, but at the same time the dishonesty about things that he really doesn't need to be dishonest about...the 'losing' money, he has got much better but it's still such a constant struggle, the leaving things to the last minute or not doing them at all, the staying up so late, is all driving me around the bend....I wish I could help but I don't know how. any advice is welcomed. Thanks.
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Post by JJ on Dec 22, 2015 0:18:13 GMT
Why can't you go to London then? Where do you live? London isn't the only place in the country and the GP should make a referral to wherever it is that people in your area go to. He needs ADHD meds, anti-depressants aren't going to be effective for ADHD. Although, depending on the waiting list to be assessed for ADHD, he could ask his GP to prescribe buproprion in the mean time. This is an anti-depressant, which is also a third line treatment for ADHD. It's not anywhere as good as ADHD meds, and it's not licensed for either ADHD or depression here (only smoking cessation and only for a very limited time), but his dr may prescribe it for him. Bottom line is he needs to get on a waiting list for ADHD assessment
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Post by bravo on Dec 22, 2015 0:29:11 GMT
Hi
Well done.
Remind him that people like yourselves are the backbone of the NHS. You pay for this service. You keep people in jobs. Don't allow their ignorance to disrupt your family life.
Luckily, you can go private, get a diagnosis, get a script, re-learn what living actually means and hopefully find some happiness.
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hj
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Post by hj on Dec 22, 2015 7:56:33 GMT
Thanks for your responses. He said he doesn't have time to go through all that assement process and feels he is coping without meds....but obviously he isn't - its almost like just tbe thought of going to the Dr is too overwhelming or something...he starts the process and gives up half way through...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2015 12:50:20 GMT
Assuming he went to the GP 10 years ago when you got married, then the situation has changed since then. Since 2008 there has been national guidance available to GPs in respect of adult ADHD, and a growing number of clinics have developed around this country. It is still not easy or quick to get an assessment but his GP should refer him if he asks. The main site faq section has information on how to seek a referral.
The request for referral will need to come from him, though it is common for adults to take a partner with them to the GP and to the assessment, in order to provide additional information.
In the meantime, if he is abusing alcohol or other substances then while that is not uncommon in adults with ADHD, it can become a significant problem in its own right, especially if it goes on for years.
How are you feeling? It sounds as though he is pretty much in denial about whatever is wrong, but you are suffering? Alarm bells ring for me that you "can never do enough around the house or do it right". Is your husband constantly criticising you? Why are you "banned" from the office? Do you both have your own spaces in the house that you both respect, or is it just he who has an office?
Could you access a counselling service in your own right, to talk through how you are feeling, and many to get some support for yourself and/or work out some strategies to confront/challenge this unwanted controlling behaviour?
I absolutely don't mean to shift the "blame" to you for what is going on. It's just that there really isn't anything you can do on his behalf unless he changes his mind about getting help.
In the meantime, maybe it would be helpful to get some support for yourself and think about the ways that you can change the things within your sphere of influence. After 10 years of sliding into this situation, sometimes a fresh pair of eyes and ears can help you look at what is going on and where it may be possible to make changes.
Relate can be helpful in situations like this and you can go on your own if your partner does not want to attend. Alternatively, sometimes a GP can refer you to a counselling service, some employee assistance schemes offer this too.
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hj
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Post by hj on Dec 22, 2015 21:48:50 GMT
You know what pelargonium, thanks for raising this! I actually work in a counselling centre - I could easily access counselling, but had never really thought about it for me, that's crazy, talk about seeing the wood for the trees! - I will seriously think about that. With regards to the 'banned from the office' maybe a bit harsh, I just feel like me being in the office messes it up for him and get anxious when I leave it that I might have left something in there and that there will then be a row about it, as has happened before... He works from home which is why he has ended up with his little space, but there isnt the space in the house for me to have that luxury unfortunately....however his insistence on order and things being put a certain way, just makes me want to rebel and leave my own stuff messy, to regain some control for me - obviously, then this exacerbates the issue! He only criticises me when he gets stressed and then nothing is right...like I hang the washing out and he re does it after me in the way that he thinks is better....every time! so then I feel like what I do isnt good enough and leave it for him to do as I am not going to waste two peoples time doing the same job, but then it doesn't get done and the house is actually messed up and then it is too overwhelming for him to even start so he freaks out about the 'whole house being a tip' which is gutting when actually ive worked hard to make it nice. That's just a small example and probably seems insignificant but whats hilarious is that he actually thinks Im messy, but I never was and if he isnt around Im not, its like I lose the will to do a good job when hes around as it will never be up to that OCD standard of his...
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hj
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Post by hj on Dec 22, 2015 21:50:43 GMT
and thank you very much for your insight into the treatment of adult ADHD now, i will certainly look into that.
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Post by JJ on Dec 23, 2015 1:02:06 GMT
I didn't spot that he last went to the Drs 10 years ago before @pelargonium pointed it out! My goodness, yes, even though guaranteed comprehensive service provision across the country leaves a lot to be desired, things will be a million times better today than they were then.
Just from the couple of years or so of being on this forum I can see a significant change in what people are reporting, what services are available and the level of knowledge and acceptance of the condition.
But the reason I'm commenting again is that it struck me that although he may (understandably) feel overwhelmed at the prospect of going down the path of reassessment and medication, and, even though one of the diagnostic criteria is starting something and not seeing it through, these aren't acceptable reasons to not do something about this now.
He is clearly suffering / getting through life rather than living it to the full. But, equally importantly, if not more so even just using the number of people affected, the situation now is impacting on you and your family enough for you to come onto a forum in desperation. His inaction (in seeking proper help) is causing this and he needs to accept responsibility for it - and he needs to do something.
He's a husband and a father as well as an individual, these additional roles have benefits and with those come responsibilities - one of which is to try not to cause those you love anguish and undue suffering. I completely get the symptoms of his ADHD of course, I'm not unsympathetic as to how hard it is to live with this bloody condition, but he's an adult and there comes a time when you have to act.
I see that you're accommodating him and his difficulties as much as you can, and that's wonderful - it's really not easy being in your position. But sometimes with people with ADHD, limitless accommodation isn't what we need. We find it very difficult to internally motivate ourselves, something isn't there that does that, so we rely more than most on external motivators to prompt action in us.
And in this case, I think you would be doing more good than harm if you made it properly clear to him that this situation can't go on forever, you deserve to have your day to day experiences and difficulties taken into consideration too, and it's reached a point where there is no option for him other than to seek help because you're not prepared to carry on like this. We need boundaries, and we're not incapable of working within them if they're firm enough.
I'm not saying never help him, I'm just saying don't be the only one helping, he needs to as well - and that means manning up and going to the doctors. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it is as black and white as that at the end of the day, because you matter too.
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hj
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Post by hj on Dec 23, 2015 13:13:08 GMT
Thanks JJ. Its nice to have some other perspectives especially from those 'in the know' so I know Im not going mad at the end of the day... This is a good place to seek advice - thank you all so much. I will set about firming up!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2015 16:02:24 GMT
I'm really glad you are able to use the forum to start working things out. Take it easy on yourself over the next few days, remember that lots of people struggle at this time of year, so your family isn't the only one -it is completely understandable that you are feeling stressed. I really hope your husband will choose to seek help but whatever he chooses, remember that you and your needs are important too. There are usually people around the forum at holiday time, so don't be a stranger. xx
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