kezia
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Post by kezia on Jan 12, 2016 15:37:30 GMT
I'm really struggling with the impact of ADHD on our relationship. I understand in principle but sometimes I just want to shout 'but what about me?!' I hang on to the knowledge that I'm not being ignored or deliberately overlooked and that there is a wonderfully exciting, creative side to my ADHD partner but these last few weeks have driven me to the point of despair. We don't live together and I've been ill recently despite this I've had one visit in since Christmas and I'm wondering whether it's time to call it a day (normally I do the majority of the visiting as I'm more flexible). Sorry for the rant but I feel 'out of sight, out of mind':-(
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2016 19:47:00 GMT
What do you want to change, and have you approached him directly to discuss this?
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kezia
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Post by kezia on Jan 12, 2016 21:15:47 GMT
We've discussed it time and again and the rational side of us both understands that these are things that we have to work at. I know that time management and general organisational skills are tricky and, generally, I feel that I accommodate that. I've learnt not to try and take over, not to parent, but the result over the last few weeks had been a gradual decline in contact which leaves me very sad. I'm not sure how much more talking I can do and I don't want to pressure with texts or phone calls. I know that the stresses of Christmas mean that there is even more need for down time but I'm wondering whether there is any place for me any more
What would be the most useful thing I can do, do you think,without adding to an already delicate situation?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2016 0:53:09 GMT
I think all you can do is think hard about what you want from the relationship and take it from there. As far as I am concerned, ADHD doesn't define people, it is a condition that is one aspect of our lives. We still all have to make choices and deal with consequences, the diagnosis doesn't give us a free pass to behave like arseholes. So don't stand for any nonsense! Honestly, I find it a bit strange sometimes the number of partners who come on here asking for advice on ways to cope with "us". I don't blame you at all for asking for help, but the members here are mostly people with ADHD and so the answers that "we" give come from our own perspectives, which are invariably diverse, because we are all individuals. My gut instinct is to suggest one last (metaphorical) kick up the arse for him and/or a heart-to-heart about what you each want from the relationship, since you do seem to want it to work. If you need more regular contact then tell him that. Tell him how you feel and ask him directly if he wants a relationship that meets your needs as well as his own. But, ultimately, you know already that you can't change this guy if he doesn't want to change himself and you can't take responsibility for anything but your own life decisions. Look after yourself. It's great that you want to be sensitive to his needs, but think about your own needs too.
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kezia
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Post by kezia on Jan 13, 2016 10:16:30 GMT
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I thought that by asking on this board I might get a wider perspective hence my question. There are positives, don't get me wrong, and when it's good it's very good. That's why I'm hanging in there!
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Post by Babble on Jan 13, 2016 11:07:27 GMT
I tend to avoid relationships like the plague, because what you're saying is basically what I dread. I agree with pelargonium in that ADD/ADHD doesn't define a person, and certainly doesn't give them leeway to act like an arsehole. Looking out for yourself is important. I don't know whether its helpful to give my perspective, because what's true of me won't be true of others. I hate confrontation though, and when there's an issue or problem in a relationship with someone I care about (platonic or otherwise) I tend to avoid them and therefore the situation until it reaches the 'do or die' stage. Definitely not helpful in a situation where lack of interaction/ communication is the issue. Confronting that situation exposes me to the fact that I'm hurting someone I love, and when you know you're going to keep hurting them because silent/avoidant/anti-social phases are in your nature... it's horrible. Really f-ing horrible. Makes me feel like a monster. Better to be alone than to put someone I love through that. Also, because I'm a difficult and contrary human being, feeling under pressure to interact or communicate makes me want to do them less (I've always said to my parents 'the more you demand, the less I'll do'). That may be personal to me though lol I do want to emphasise, that's my take on the situation - his reasoning etc may be completely different to mine. Personally I'd wait him out, see what he does. Go quiet on him in return (difficult I know when you really like someone). Either he's going to suddenly realise he hasn't heard from you in a while and misses you terribly, or you fix a deadline in your mind and say 'if he doesn't contact me by this day, then we need to talk about what the hell is going on'. No harm in waiting a little while, but don't wait forever. Either he gets his act together or you move on. If he does get his act together, you can talk then about how his behaviour upsets you, and set a system in place or something, so if he starts slipping again he needs to let you know that he's slipping, and that it's an ADD/ADHD thing rather than a lack of interest/care. Sorry, going on a bit. Anyway, I hope everything works out. Let us know how it goes, yeah?
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