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Post by Inneedofhelp! on Jan 15, 2016 23:28:20 GMT
1st post here. Long story short. My husband of 11 years has ADHD but is in denial. I need some support. I'm exhausted. So close to leaving to preserve own sanity.
This is EXACTLY how I feel. Everything is spot on.http://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/adult-adhd-attention-deficit-disorder-and-relationships.htm
We are on waiting list for relate but I'm told it maybe 3months + wait for sessions. Has anyone got any recommendations for couples counselling in London, pref one with Adult ADHD experience?
Long shot I know....
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Post by InNeedOfHelp on Jan 15, 2016 23:40:51 GMT
Not sure why the text hasn't shown up but I will try again.
Husband of 11yrs had ADHD. Undiagnosed. He's in denial and won't got to gp.
Long story short. I am close to leaving. I am looking for couple counsellor with experience of Adult ADHD.
We're on waiting list for relate but minimum 3 month wait and I can't wait that long.
Any recommendations? Long shot I know...
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Post by AndyDwyer on Feb 21, 2016 23:52:16 GMT
TCCR on Warren Street - income-related fees, sometimes a waiting list but they do excellent work.
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namchampa
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Post by namchampa on Mar 4, 2016 10:35:28 GMT
Not sure why the text hasn't shown up but I will try again. Husband of 11yrs had ADHD. Undiagnosed. He's in denial and won't got to gp. Long story short. I am close to leaving. I am looking for couple counsellor with experience of Adult ADHD. We're on waiting list for relate but minimum 3 month wait and I can't wait that long. Any recommendations? Long shot I know... Hi INof H. Me too! Just reaching out. Here's a quote of my 'introduction post':
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Post by vagueandrandom on Mar 4, 2016 13:20:31 GMT
Hi namchampa I just saw your post in intros which can only be seen on the mobile site atm and was going to suggest that you copied it here Firstly, welcome. I was really moved by your post. I'm glad that you were able to make a connection between your relationship difficulties and adhd. There's so little understanding of what adhd is in general and the thing that surprised and concerned me most during the process of diagnosis and realisation is how deeply it affects the emotions and social skills: relationships. I would say that for the majority of the members of this forum, this is one of the top concerns, even if they are in a good relationship. I know that it's probably my biggest problem. I don't have much advice because I've ruined every relationship I've ever had, but wish that I'd had a partner like you, who cares enough to try to understand. I bet there's a lot of things that you love about her which you wouldn't want to change, and that some of these are part of her adhd. You say that you don't know how to approach the subject of adhd with her. If she's already diagnosed then there must be some way of bringing it into the conversation. The best thing to do is to talk and try to understand. There are some useful books listed on the site and it might be useful to have some couples counselling,specific to adhd (if the counsellor doesn't know about it, it can do more harm than good imo). I'm not saying that it's up to you to put in all the work, but if you can get talking, you might be able to talk more openly about the things that you find difficult about her. She may not be aware that she's doing some of the things and being aware may help her to take a breath before doing it, or to explain and apologise for an outburst afterwards if she knows that it's something you struggle with. You don't say if she's on any medication or having therapy. If not, it may help. I hope you can work something out
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namchampa
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Post by namchampa on Mar 4, 2016 16:18:42 GMT
Hi vagueandrandom.
Many thanks for your reply. I've felt really lonely with my experiences - not helped by not understanding the situation or how to frame our relationship dynamics.
So, just having someone reply means a lot.
My partner is self-diagnosed.
This fits with her way of 'doing things'.
She's medical so has some relevant skills to support her tendency to self-diagnose but she's also massively anxious about her health (and mine) which means it's hard for me to sort 'the wheat from the chaff'.
But, in this instance, regardless of the hypochondria, I think she's spot on.
She's been in therapy for years, but not for ADHD and not with someone with any specific ADHD training (at least, not that she's ever said).
So, still left with a stomach full of knots about what to do next.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Mar 4, 2016 17:41:47 GMT
namchampa oh. . . I see your problem. . . First positive: she has self-diagnosed and it's not like you're imposing a diagnosis upon her. l don't know how much you've read, but the anxiety, catastrophic thinking, neurosis, picking fights ( or saying deliberately hurtful things) are all things that I recognise in myself. And I hate myself for it, sometimes even as I'm doing it. I'm sure my gp thinks that I'm a hypochondriac too. . . I don't think I am and maybe she doesn't either, just over anxious about her health. I take everything personally and can be devastated by even a perceived criticism. So where to go from here? It would obviously be a good thing for both of you for her to be formally diagnosed and treated, but that's her choice and if she's a medical professional, she may be reluctant. How to bring it up? I'm not really the person to ask. . .wait for a quiet, calm time when things are peaceful ie: not during or after a row and let her know that you've been thinking about how she says that she's got adhd and you decided to do a bit of research . . .and think that it might be something that should be explored further. .? Even a lot of gps don't think there's any treatment for adults, so she may not be aware. Just knowing and understanding the condition is incredibly helpful and often a massive relief. I'd recommend that you both read something like 'Driven to Distraction' which I found brilliant. I've had all kinds of therapy and counselling over the years and none of it had much effect. Now that I know that I have adhd, I can see why and hold strong views about it. I believe that some therapy can actually be damaging if adhd isn't recognised. Particularly cbt (unless it's adhd aware) because you'll always feel more of a failure if you can't implement the changes in thought patterns that you are well aware of. My other bugbear is the mood questionnaire that you have to fill in every session. Most of the questions describe an adhd trait, which will remain the same whatever my mood, so I always score very highly for depression, even if I'm having a good day. I'm going to stop now, but there's loads of info here about how to get assessed and I'd be happy to answer any questions and offer support. Take care x
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namchampa
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Post by namchampa on Mar 8, 2016 13:45:19 GMT
Hi vaugueandrandom.
Many thanks for your thoughtful reply.
It's been a bit of an overwhelming weekend and, tbh, it was a good thing that Sunday/Monday I was away with family. It gave both of us some space and an opportunity for reflection.
I had said that I would write an email to let her know what I'd been thinking and, in it, I briefly told her that I had started to read around ADHAD and relationships and had had a complete 'penny dropping' moment.
This was her and this was us.
I made sure to tell her that I loved her and that although I hoped she'd be able to read what I'd said and to look at Orlov's book (The ADHD Effect on Marriage) I understood that this mightn't be the case.
Sure enough, she can't.
But she has asked that we talk about it later - in a couple of weeks. So, it's not an entirely lost cause.
In the mean time I am reading Orlov's book and trying to see things from my partner's perspective as much as possible.
A lot of love, reassurance, non-patronising or controlling behaviour seems to be called for. And a genuine interrogation of my own assumptions and traits:
- do I really want her to be a different person?
- do I need her to be non-ADHD or could I live with an ADHD person who is treating their symptoms as best they can?
- what does it mean if medication doesn't work/she won't take it?
- what do I presently contribute to her stress/anxiety and what can I contribute to create safety and ease?
- what are my needs and how can I ensure I can have them met?
It's a sticky position to be in at the moment because we are, I suspect, such different places. My world has been very effected by this new knowledge.
For her, I don't know what's going on because she's not yet ready to talk.
But, when we spoke on the phone she minimised the importance of ADHD in her life, has attributed me being more relaxed (I am because now I don't feel like I'm going crazy!) to my hormones....I suspect she is in denial about her ADHD and the impact it is having on her:
- relationships, - on those around her, - her health (she is so anxious all the time it cannot be good for; she has so many stress related symptoms) - her work (she's late for everything, has terrible anxiety attacks, can't talk in front of people, is terrified of being assessed etc., etc..)
So. I'm trying to hold my own fear in check - fear of the implications for me and 'us' - so that I can offer as much love as possible. On the one hand my choices are because I love her and want to help/protect/support.
But on the other hand my love is being offered as a 'safety net' in the hope that she'll be able to see the role ADHD is playing in her life and want to change the status quo in such a way that both our needs are recognised.
I'm very aware though, that she may make a different choice.
My fear is she will want to stay focused on the changes she needs to see in me, where we live, how we both work, what I do for work, her family, to have a baby..... rather than look at the reality that is her ADHD and how she might change how it is effecting her.
In which case I know I can't stay in the relationship - as it is, it is unhealthy for me and untenable.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Mar 8, 2016 14:40:48 GMT
Hi namchampa what a situation to be in. . . it seems that there may be a little hope and I'm glad that you've found understanding the condition helps you for the moment. It sounds like it's really hard for you both, but without your partner's participation in your concerns about her ADHD, there's not much more that I can suggest. It sounds like ADHD is the main issue, but you mustn't use it as an excuse for her behaviour. You're right to consider *both* of your needs. She's very lucky to have a partner who's taken this on in a sensitive and considered way. You can't help her if she wont admit that she needs help and I think that you know this. All I can offer is my support and hope that some kind of conclusion can be found x
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namchampa
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Post by namchampa on Mar 8, 2016 18:01:44 GMT
The most upsetting experience at the moment is that, for the first time, I feel that I'm concealing something from her.
Although, I've told her about this forum and that I have posted here I almost feel I'm deceiving her.
It's not a good feeling.
But as none of my friends, although wonderful, understand ADHD, and I feel so shaken by everything, I can understand (& forgive?) myself for posting here.
She is very cagey about reaching out to anyone about personal matters and I suspect she will hate me for asking here, for support.
I can't rush her but I wish I could snap my fingers and have her be ready to talk.
This whole situation feels so..... off key.
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namchampa
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Post by namchampa on Mar 24, 2016 19:43:54 GMT
Well, so far....so up and down.
But, to cut a long story short my OH is open to couples counselling. I have stated my boundary - the person needs to know about ADHD as well as being a good counsellor.
There was tension over me maintaining this boundary but, from everything I've read, it seems to me that it can only help.
So, I've been asked to put together a short list of names and I'm reaching out for advice/guidance.
Do you guys have any experience of someone good in the London area? As ever, much appreciated.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Mar 25, 2016 14:45:24 GMT
Hi namchampa A little progress is still progress. You must have been able to talk together about this, which is also progress. I don't know about ADHD couples counselling, but you could ask ADDISS who are based in Edgware, or Maudsley. I hope you get the help you need.
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namchampa
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Post by namchampa on Mar 26, 2016 18:22:47 GMT
Many thanks VandR.
I'll give both a bell post Easter.
I don't want to post in areas of the boards that might be for ADHD folks only. But, I wonder whether there might be others here who have some useful recommendations.
Do you know if it'd be unwelcome if I asked for advice/recommendations on therapists/counsellors in the other sections?
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