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Post by Bee on Jun 4, 2017 8:21:20 GMT
Hey everyone. It's been a long ass time since I last visited, and even longer since I last posted. I'm afraid I've come grovelling for help, advice, a listening ear, I don't even bloody know.
I feel so backed in to a corner. Like I've tried so hard to keep my shit together that I've basically set myself up for a fall. I've tried to be better.
I've tried to be stable and sensible and be good. I've tried so fucking hard for so long. I ignore so many of the things I want to do, I try to be someone else and right now I feel like everything is slipping and I can't hold it all together.
My family all smoke and/or drink and/or take drugs. And I've been so virtuous avoiding it all for the most part. Occasional drink. Rare fag. No drugs. I've got a physically & mentally demanding job that I've held for a year and a half, my hours exceed 46 hours a week. I'm married. We bought a house. We've got 2 doggies and 2 ratties too..
I try to be so good and as close to perfect as I can manage. I try to ignore the things that I want to do or say.
I want to drink and smoke and sleep with new people and quit my job and scream at people.
Last night I got to work and I had a cigarette. My first *sober* cigarette. I hated it and loved it at the same time. The taste was awful. But the clarity in my head was unreal. I felt like me. The real me. The me that I try so hard not to be. But it felt true and I know I sound so melodramatic and full of rubbish.
I felt like I wasn't struggling, just for a while. I gave in, even though it's so bad for me and my husband hates it. I was me for a few minutes.
I'm so full of ache. Physical tension in my muscles, mental torture. I don't expect an easy ride by any means, but I wish everyday wasn't a massive struggle.
Do I give in? Or do I keep fighting this exhausting battle?
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Post by marionk on Jun 4, 2017 9:49:56 GMT
Hi Bee! Good to see you, but sorry to hear you are having a rough time. You haven't been on since before I discovered how important protein is, and it sounds like you need to eat more too! It doesn't help with the root ADHD (at least not mine!) but if you aren't eating enough, like I wasn't (that was a shock I can tell you!) it will help massively with mood, energy levels, sleep and all sorts. Protein defecit, is not properly recognised in this country, but the States have been all over it for ages. P.s. I was actually below even the UK RDI, once I calculated it for my weight, but (without realising at the time) I actually used the US figures, which are significantly higher, as a target to aim for as a minimum, so I was and still am, eating considerably more than the official UK RDI. I'm not totally sure exactly how little I can get away with, but having had a relapse while staying with family abroad, I know I need to keep paying attention to it!
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Post by easilydistracted on Jun 4, 2017 15:31:39 GMT
Oh FFS Marion! Will you please STFU about protein? Hi Bee, it's that inner self-destruct button, that mousewheel feeling that every day is the same. Not necessarily a bad same but a same just the... same. And it sounds like you have things pretty sorted and working well for you. But none the less it's the sameness. And over there you can see crazy, chaos, fun and (mis)adventure, the kind that you knew you were escaping when you got into your new life, the current sorted sensible one. But that niggle grows and it's feeling pretty compulsive at the moment? It's a drive, an energy that you haven't felt in a while. It's also a train crash for your current life. There's no dipping your toe in the water, no eating just one crisp and leaving the rest of the packet, no just one ciggie.. Anyway, you get what I mean. Yeah, sure it won't swallow you up in one go, you'll get away with it for a while and you'll go a bit further next time and the next time further still Until it all goes wrong. And you suddenly realise what you have lost or about to lose and you'll be desperately trying to claw your way back. And that sameness that is making you itch so much will be all you want and you'd give anything to have it back again. I resisted for a while and then gave in and one day there was no going back, that door was closed to me. Take up abseiling, white water rafting or base jumping. anything else that will add the buzz you need back into your current life. But stick with that life, sounds like you've doing well Stay strong and good luck
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Post by Bee on Jun 5, 2017 3:20:11 GMT
marionk I'll try to bear that in mind. I'm not sure how much that'll help since I know a lot of things I SHOULD do but never quite manage... easilydistracted you got it. I know my life has the stability I need but it feels so damned suffocating. I miss the feeling of excitement. Those butterflies, that sparkly feeling! I miss the colour in an otherwise black and white existence.. even though I know that really I'm just colourblind... Thanks for the replies
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2017 1:16:35 GMT
Hi Bee We're awesome but we're far from perfect. Perhaps it's time to stop pretending?
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Post by Bee on Jun 9, 2017 23:39:27 GMT
I think you might be right @boost
I've known for a few years now that I have ADHD, that I'll have ADHD until the day I die. But somehow I didn't realise that I'd also have all the struggles every single day of the rest of my life.
There's no way to practice it away. There's no way I'll get 'better' and just lead a normal but slightly higgledy-piggledy life.
I keep thinking that if I just keep trying eventually everything will turn out ok.
And I know I'm not the only one so I'm not looking for sympathy, just direction maybe.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2017 0:39:04 GMT
I know you're not looking for sympathy As bizarre as it might seem, do you think it might be possible to build your desires into your relationship? If not this relationship, perhaps the next one? This kinda stuff might have to be built in from day one, I suppose. The obligatory nod of compliance may not cut it. Who knows
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Post by marionk on Jun 10, 2017 7:54:22 GMT
I appreciate that it's hard to change your diet (Goodness knows how I managed it!) but protein shakes are dead easy to add to your diet.
One a day will probably be enough, and two should be plenty, but if your diet is seriously deficient in protein, or you are significantly overweight, older or physically active then you might need three or even four.
Perfect storm and only 20g protein per scoop and you might need five, but that's not likely.
It (probably) won't change your brain structure, but it will help you get on with normal living, rather than constantly worrying about everything and feeling like s***.
Sparkles will some all on their own, once you get rid of the malaise of low protein.
(If finances are tight, and you haven't the energy to shop around, or the array is too bewildering, I can post links to a couple, but I don't really like to advertise commercial stuff.)
Or . . . I could take you skating and bring a bag of shake with me!
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Post by Bee on Jun 12, 2017 2:52:09 GMT
marionkI've been buying those protein milkshake things, in an attempt to boost my intake. But to be honest I've kinda just given in a bit. I've had around 30 cigs in the last week. I've also shaved the sides of my head and got my nipple pierced both are things I've wanted to do for probably at least a decade. I feel so much more relaxed being ME. I've got an appointment with a counsellor on Weds because I know I've got a long way left to go. But just making those 2 small changes to the way I look has helped to put me in the right mindset​ to be a more genuine version of myself. I currently don't feel like I'm about to drown under expectations and responsibilities. So that has to be a plus, right?
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Post by marionk on Jun 12, 2017 7:07:02 GMT
I currently don't feel like I'm about to drown under expectations and responsibilities. So that has to be a plus, right? Indeed it is! I got the impression from your op that you were crumbling under the pressure, so I'm very glad to hear it. I knew I was different from a very early age, but I liked what made me 'me' a lot, and didn't want to be like everyone else, so never really tried to be like everyone else! Instead I tried to find others like me, and I've tried very hard to find my 'niche' in life, but as far as finding something that I can actually do, that will still pay the bills, I have failed miserably. A few years ago, I found the (almost) perfect outlet for my interests, my 'passion' for outdated crafts, learning and teaching, in living history reenactment. As well as giving me that 'fix' for a certain kind of buzz, I also get to be with people that are more like me than the rest of the population, so I get a bit of a social 'fix' at the same time, but unfortunately there is no hope for it ever giving me a living. In many ways, I have what I want, but not what I really need to keep it, whereas you have what you need, but not enough of what you want. As for the ciggies, the fact that you get so much from them, suggests that something is still not right with your 'chemistry'. Ciggies have more going for them than just nicotine though, and nicotine itself is actually toxic. Have you tried vaping or tablets and do you get the same effect? or is it something else in the ciggies that gives you the effect? If you permanently felt like you do when smoking, would you still be able to function, or would you be too chilled or w/e?. And do you drink coffee at all?
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